While he was unexpectedly proud of her for coming into her own, he wanted scream back in frustration, for he didn’t really need her temper directed at him when all he was trying to do was help her.
“What do you want from me, Kitty?”
There were so many things she wanted from Jack that for a moment Kitty drew a blank. While gentlemanly Jack might give her anything else she asked for, she knew his love was the one thing she would be denied.
“I want you to understand I don’t need a man to tell me what I can do, what I should do or what’s best for me. I can do that all on my own. If I say I want to be alone, leave me alone! From now on, no man will ever tell me what to do, and if you can’t understand that then I’m done with you, Jack!” She took a deep, shaking breath and released it with a defeated sigh. “Done.”
“Well, woman, I’m going to tell you one more thing, whether you like it or not,” he grouched as he pulled his dressing gown back on.
“Oh, do tell.” She raised an arched brow.
“I am not in the least bit done with you, yet. Not by a long shot!” Jack turned and stalked out, leaving her frowning in bewilderment behind him.
Chapter 35
“My God, but she is a stubborn female!” Jack complained to his friend as they rode along the rocky coastline of Newport a few mornings later, thankful they were here by the shore and not in the city.
New York had closed in on the two Scots much as a too tight cravat tended to suffocate. Used to wide country spaces or even the low-level skyline of Edinburgh, New York had crowded them uncomfortably while they were there. One of the few sources of relief available to them in the few days they had been there had been the open lawns and wide pathways of the Central Park, where they found a peaceful retreat several hours a day. Newport, with its ocean breeze, was much more to their liking, despite the heat.
Kitty was yet refusing to talk to him, refusing to allow him into her bed, all because of her own ridiculous dispute. Did she not see how insane her argument was? It was a man’s duty to protect and shelter. To ease pain where he could. Surely, she could understand that. Still she was unrelenting, and he was being driven to near madness by her obstinacy.
Glenrothes merely shrugged as they slowed to a trot. “If my understanding of your argument is correct, I believe a simple apology would suffice. Tell her what you meant.”
“I tried!” he insisted. “She didn’t listen.”
Jack thought back over the incidents of the past week, knowing therein lay the key to the entire problem. It had all gone wrong somewhere between their first night together and when he had saved Kitty from Hayes and his henchmen, but when, exactly, he wasn’t sure. The situation had been well in hand until Hayes had confessed his evil deed. Kitty had been so down-trodden by Hayes’ confession, her body battered. Then had come her unwarranted temper tantrum. Surely, it was simply misplaced anger and grief but, as a result, she had been avoiding him for the past couple days. Oh, she was ‘recuperating’. A valid excuse, given the rainbow of bruises that mottled her face, but how long would that last?
He knew he could easily persuade her back into his bed if he persisted! Jack realized he should be content with that. It was what he really wanted from her, after all. The cold shoulder she continued to present to him had started to annoy for deeper reasons than those he cared to examine but, on the surface, he knew he missed her. He felt as if he had lost a friend. But none of his friends would ever behave so erratically. It was driving him to the edge of insanity.
And then, there was the issue with the money. After rescuing Kitty, he had wired his agent in Scotland to access the funds Jensen had set up for him, pay off the creditors and begin bringing Glen Sannox House back to life. The gift she’d given him was saving his life, his property. Saving him from the necessity of marriage until the day came when he required an heir for the title.
But now, it all felt wrong.
She would have told him it was only his pride at work once more, but he knew he shouldn’t have allowed it, despite her assurances that she wouldn’t miss it—and he did clearly understand she would not miss such a trifling percentage of her inheritance!
Still, he felt a compelling urge to give it all back. Though he couldn’t return the entire amount, Jack already notified his agent to be as thrifty as possible, intent on giving back as much as he could and paying back the rest when he was able. It chafed upon him to spend it while she was put out with him. If things hadn’t changed, it might have been all right, but now?
“Why should I apologize at all? I did nothing wrong. I saved her life. I tried to comfort her.” Haddington snorted in frustration, getting back to the problem at hand. “I have nothing to apologize for.”
“Nothing of which you are aware. I’m sure Kitty feels there is something.” His friend leveled him a patronizing grin. “It’s your job as a man to apologize.”
“But I did nothing wrong!”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“But she’s the one—”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“But—”
“Doesn’t matter,” Francis interrupted with a humorous shake of his head as he pulled to stop, compelling Jack to stop as well. “Do you truly know so little of women, Merrill?”
Jack drew back in affront. “I know women very well.”
“I’m not talking about how to please them in bed,” his friend clarified. “I’m talking about how to please them out of it. Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter at all whether you think you were wrong or not. She does.”
“But…”
“Don’t try to argue about it or justify yourself. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing you can do to change her mind about it,” Francis went on. “Clearly Kitty is emotional right now. She has been divorced, kidnapped, and found out her husband murdered her father, all within a week. She surely feels anger and guilt she is unable to cope with, so she is lashing out at you. Why you? Who knows? I understand your point of view, old man, I truly do. I, too, would take whatever steps I felt necessary to protect, comfort or shield Eve…hell, even Fiona, from anything I felt might upset or hurt them. But Kitty is proving herself to be a stubborn lass. I would wager she’ll not relent until she hears an apology.”
“I still don’t understand why I should have to apologize for doing something any decent man would do,” Jack said stubbornly.
Francis merely shook his head. “Don’t be obtuse. You know as well as I your desire to comfort her probably had little to do with it. You need to discover what the problem is.”
“How am I to do that? She won’t even speak to me,” Jack argued. “I’m not a bloody clairvoyant, MacKintosh!”
Glenrothes merely laughed and kicked his mount back into a trot. “I’d find a way, old man, for I doubt this will be the last argument you ever have. These American women are like our own highland lassies, they like to have a measure of control. Look at Eve and me, for example. You might think we never disagree, but we do. I want what I want. She wants her own way. We’ve had our share of fights already, about everything from household and estate issues to how to raise her son and the child we have on the way. But with time, our goals often become the same and when they do not, we compromise.”
“Sounds like too much trouble for me.”
“There are rewards to every conflict.” Francis’ eyes gleamed as a smile of a different sort lightened his features. “Making up is often the best part of a fight.”
“You are getting that look again that tends to make me ill,” Jack grimaced. “I think you and Richard are perhaps so well bound to the leash by which your wives hold you that you are more often led than the leader.”
“I think you merely read love and caring for a lady in the wrong light,” Francis argued. “It’s not as if you haven’t done the same for Kitty. You followed her around the ship for two weeks like a devoted hound.”
Jack looked appalled by such a notion. “I say! That is uncalled for. I was merely trying to
be available to her if she needed a friend. She is in mourning, you know? It had nothing to do with anything as absurd as loving. I don’t love her.”
“Don’t you?” Glenrothes raised a questioning brow, his tone clearly relating his skepticism.
“I don’t.”
“You just want to protect her, comfort her, out of…friendship?”
“That’s right.” The expression of amused tolerance remained on Francis’ face, prompting Jack to continue, “I told you before, MacKintosh, I have nothing else to offer the lass that she doesn’t have anyway. Look at that house.”
He gestured to the mansion in the distance as a reminder. MacKintosh remained silent, mocking until Jack couldn’t stand it any longer and spurred his horse into a gallop, leaving Francis laughing behind him.
“Take her flowers when you apologize,” his friend called after him.
Chapter 36
Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~ Benjamin Disraeli
Out on her favorite bench along the Cliff Walk, Kitty watched the waves crash against the rocks below, thinking her life was as jumbled as the waters right now. The anger Jack roused in Kitty diminished very quickly as she lay abed, allowing her body to heal from Freddie’s assault. He was right about her temper. It had indeed been irrational and like nothing she was used to. She hadn’t thought about it before, such as when she had berated that Wallis fellow in Edinburgh, but it wasn’t until she had been freed from Hayes and gained self-confidence that she ever dared to fight back like she had in the early years of her marriage.
Lying in bed had given her a lot of time to think, to replay her encounters with Jack and to reanalyze what had happened. She realized he had not been the one she was truly angry with, hurt as she had been by his callous comments regarding their affair. It had been Freddie and his actions and that loss of control that had prompted her rage. Her ex-husband had stolen a life from her and her family. He had taken more than her life away—another realization she made after seven years of marriage—and he had taken her father as well. She hadn’t a chance to control any of that.
She had been unfair to Jack, lashing out at him as she had but, in that moment, it seemed as if she were stretched to the breaking point and he had cut the string tethering her to sanity. He tried to control her, make her comply with his wishes, and it had been enough to make her snap. She knew she should apologize for tearing into him so, should explain to him that the rage and sorrow and guilt had been too much for her.
But that wouldn’t solve the whole problem. It still annoyed her to no end that he would take the same chauvinistic attitude so many men tended to take. That they know better. That what they decide or want is always the best choice.
As if women had no intelligence whatsoever.
She’d had enough of that attitude in her life and there was no way she would ever sit calmly by again and let a man assume he could take away her choices just because of his gender. It would not happen. And until Jack realized that…and verbally acknowledged it…she wasn’t going to forgive him.
But she missed him.
In a just a few days of his absence, she missed his company, his wit and conversation. She wanted him back.
She wanted him back in her bed.
* * *
As if conjured by her thoughts, the crunch of shoes against the oyster shells of the path heralded Jack’s arrival. Catching him out of the corner of her eye, she pretended to ignore him as he sat on the opposite end of the bench and stared out at the water. The sounds of the waves and the gulls filled the silence as it stretched between them.
After a long silence, he took a deep breath and spoke. “I understand you were upset, and I suppose I might even understand why. I know you want an apology and certain people seem to think I should just give it to you.”
“So, you apologize?”
Kitty’s heart leapt that he would finally give her what she wanted so that they might move on. His apology. Her forgiveness, and all would be well.
“Nay, I am not going to do that.”
“What?”
She finally turned to stare at him, flabbergasted, sure he was only joking but he shook his head in all seriousness. Did he not realize he had been so wrong? Did he simply assume she was? Soon one of them would have to bend before they broke completely. Their eyes met as he stared her down. With a shiver, Kitty looked away. She knew whom he expected to bend. Knew he expected it to be her.
He went on, as if unaware of the blow he had just dealt her. “I will not apologize for wanting to protect you or comfort you when you’re in need and, regardless of what anyone else has to say on the matter, you’re just going to have to accept that occasionally you’re wrong about things. Take the other night, for example. You had just found out your husband had murdered your father and, whether you realized it or not, you needed arms to hold you. I understand you were angry, but that anger wasn’t for me or what I did that day. That anger was for Hayes and all that he had put you through, but you’re just too bloody stubborn to see that. I had to do it, just as I would hold you back from jumping off a cliff if you were determined to do it. I will do what I must to protect you and see you safe.”
“Even if I don’t want you to?”
“I think you might not always want to rely on another person to see you safe and happy, but, bugger it, Kitty, sometimes you need it, whether you like it or not,” he insisted steadfastly. “Everyone needs it.”
“Even you?”
“Aye, even me, from time to time.” He gave a cavalier shrug of acceptance. “I have good mates who will hold me back from a fight if they think I’m being irrational and mates who will second me in a worthy cause. Mates who will help, and have helped, me drown my sorrows when my fortunes turn. You think I don’t understand the importance of friendship, lass? That is what friends are for.”
She understood what he was saying. Hadn’t she already admitted to herself that her anger had been rash and irrational, but, more accurately, aimed at Freddie and all he had done? That that guilt and anger had been unleashed on Jack simply because he was handy? Jack’s part of it was much more insignificant and, though he was merely illustrating her conclusion, his offhand words stung.
“And that’s what we are then? Friends?”
“Aye, I had thought we were incredible friends. You have given me back my life,” he confessed. “All I have done, all I have tried to do, for you is be the very best friend I know how to be. Not having that bond with you these past several days has made taking your money a bitter pill to swallow, so much I want to just give the whole thing back to you and have done with it.”
Her annoyance with him fled with his words. This wasn’t what Kitty wanted at all. Her offer to give him the money had been a gesture of friendship and she did not want his guilt or second thoughts to deprive him of the future he deserved. He had to keep the money and she would see that he did. It was for his own good…after all.
Kitty’s inner turmoil suddenly ceased in the face of this epiphany. Sometimes when you cared for someone, you did what you must when you were sure it was best for them.
She was doing it for him.
He was doing it for her.
It humbled her and washed away her remaining indignation to realize he had been right. It wasn’t as if he were trying to control her life by forcing his comfort and caring on her as she had thought in her anger and grief. Just as she forced him to take her monies, he was doing what he felt right. Whether they liked it or not, she thought. But surely, he cared even more than simple friendship?
“Obviously I’m in no position at this point to do so, but I’ve already ordered my solicitor to send back what remains,” Jack continued, unaware his words had prompted such a significant reaction in her. “The worst of it is covered and I’ve invested in an enterprise with that Morgan fellow I met at your father’s funeral. We’re working on a deal between Edison and his electric com
pany to merge with another up in Massachusetts that should prove most profitable. Morgan is projecting fast enough returns that I expect to have the balance paid back to you within the year or perhaps next.”
Scooting closer to him, she swallowed deeply and laid a hand on his sleeve, “This isn’t what I wanted.”
The earl shook his head but covered her hand with his own. “Nay, lass, it’s what I want. My pride, I find, is stronger than my needs. I won’t stay indebted to you any longer than I have to.”
“This isn’t right,” she argued, put off by this cool, distant earl who was unlike the man she had come to love. “All I want is for you to understand I am capable of making my own choices, good or bad. I just want you to be able to respect them.”
“Aye, and I do. In the normal course of life, I can respect your wishes for I know you are an intelligent, rational person. But when rationality isn’t what I’m seeing, when I see you in pain or in danger, I’d do what I did again without hesitation. Would you expect me to let you jump off this cliff right now if you wanted? To me it was the very same.” The words bespoke a caring but without any of the emotion one might expect. It was as if a part of him had already left.
“And I understand that now,” she insisted, trying to revive the caring, devil may care earl she had come to know. “What you were just saying. I see it wasn’t about control or forcing your will on me. You were right. I was just struck by grief and I couldn’t see that. Just as you’re wrong about keeping the money.”
All You Could Ask For Page 83