Vin had been there that morning, Abby reported, but hadn’t stayed long before he had left to find Jamie. “What happened?” Abby asked her friend. “Did you kiss him again?”
“When did you kiss him?” Eve wanted to know having not been privy to her friend’s conversation the previous morning. Kitty seconded the question.
“Yesterday morning,” Abby answered for Moira. “Did you know Moira spends her nights in Vin’s bedchamber?”
“Oh, my goodness! I’m such a horrible chaperone!” Eve’s eyes twinkled gaily belying her words.
“It seems you are!” Kitty agreed with a laugh.
In truth, Moira’s friends were normally quite reserved and observed the strictest morals, but, when the heart was at stake; both realized extreme measures were often necessary to achieve one’s goals. And both had employed that philosophy in their own lives. Though Eve would never have condoned such behaviors with another man, she knew Moira’s history with Vin, had heard tales about him when they were all mere adolescents giggling under their covers at boarding school.
Moira loved Vin. Wanted Vin. And Eve wanted her friend to get what she wanted.
She would break almost any rule if it meant Moira finally got Vincent MacKintosh, as long as it was what Vin wanted as well. Given the looks she intercepted during the week, Eve was very certain Vin felt more for Moira than he cared to admit. She didn’t necessarily want to force him into anything, but often a reluctant man needed a lure too difficult to resist before realizing what he really wanted.
If it took Moira being ‘ruined’ by Vin for him to realize a deeper emotion, Eve—and she imagined Moira as well—was good with courting some scandal.
For Moira’s sake though, Eve prayed it would work out in the end. Whether she admitted to it or not, Moira had a fragile heart, easily broken. It was mended only loosely now from the damage Vin had done it before. The slightest pain would without doubt shatter it once more. Being abandoned after surrendering herself to Vin would certainly be a long drop for her friend.
Kitty lowered her voice asking the question they all wanted the answer to. “Have you..?”
“Heavens, no, Kat!” Moira flushed with embarrassment. “It’s nothing like that. I’ve merely sat with him while he sleeps because of his nightmares. We haven’t…”
“Yet,” Abby cut in. “But yesterday they kissed.”
“No, I kissed him,” Moira corrected determined to keep the gossip honest.
“But he kissed you back?” Kitty asked.
Moira closed her eyes, mortified. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
Eve raised her brow. “I don’t think you gave me any choice when I was in your position. As I recall, you were both determined to have it all, right down to how good it was. Now, I’ve aided you by looking the other way so you might win your Vin at last, but if I’m going to continue to do so, I’ll need details.”
“This is so embarrassing.”
“Now you know how I felt,” Eve insisted, chuckling merrily. “Come now. He kissed you back, I’m assuming. Did you kiss again?”
“Yes, do tell,” Abby chimed in.
“Not exactly.”
Abby frowned. “What do you mean, not exactly? I thought after last night everything was coming along so well. You should have seen the way Vin was glaring at Aylesbury while he was holding your cloak for you. I’ve never seen a man’s eyes burn with such jealousy in my life. And the show Aylesbury was putting on! It won’t take him even a week I think to prompt Vin into action if he keeps that up. He was livid.”
“Was he?” Moira felt some satisfaction on seeing Eve nod along with Abby’s observation if only because it supported his behavior the previous night.
He had seemed jealous of Aylesbury by words but actions always spoke more clearly to Moira’s mind. Vin’s actions left her with more questions than answers.
“He was. So what happened?” Abby asked again.
“He came to my room last night.” All the women’s brows shot up. “No, no. He came to me since I refused to go to him after yesterday morning. Anyway, he just wanted to lie with me for a while so he could relax. We talked for a long time and I guess we just fell asleep.”
“He didn’t even try to kiss you?” Eve asked as if she could not believe it. Vin was a MacKintosh, after all.
“Not once.” But a blush was already blooming on Moira’s cheeks, telling the others there was more to her tale. They waited expectantly. “When I woke this morning, Vin was kissing my neck and touching me.”
“I would assume, given your high color, he wasn’t simply holding your hand?” Abby noted archly.
“He was not.” Moira squirmed before admitting. “He was touching me everywhere. That is all I will say to that.”
“My goodness, you are a bad chaperone,” Abby ribbed Eve.
Kitty urged her on with a wave of her hand. “Then you...?”
“No,” she exclaimed. “I said we hadn’t, but we were kissing and such—he did seem to be enjoying it—but when I touched him…there…” She thought she’d never blushed so continuously in her entire life as she had in the past ten minutes. “Well, he…oh, don’t make me say it. Anyway, he started cursing then, using some words I’ve never heard before, and then he left. Just like that! I don’t understand it at all! I mean, that’s what supposed to happen, isn’t it?”
Kitty flushed and looked as if she might choke.
Eve blushed a bit as well. “Oh, dear.”
“Bloody hell,” was Abby’s more succinct response. She shared a speaking look with Eve. “He might never come back after that, you know.”
Eve shook her head ruefully. “Well, he had been five years a prisoner. Surely, he didn’t expect to…oh, dear!”
“This is not good,” Kitty agreed.
“What?” .
“Let me just say, Moira,” Kitty began hesitantly, “you needn’t worry Vin is angry. That is, with you.”
“He isn’t?” The confusion was obvious in her words.
“No, dear, I would wager he’s angrier at himself right now.” Eve shifted uncomfortably. It was one thing to speak of personal matters with a friend. It was quite another to have such intimate knowledge about one’s brother-in-law. She wasn’t sure how she could face him herself. “Surely, you understand, Moira, that a man is supposed to…uh, wait until he has…well, satisfied you as well before…uh,” Eve looked helplessly at Abby who just shrugged.
“Well, of course, I do.” Moira scowled at them both. “I do have books, you know? But, you’re right, it has been five years or more since he made love. I rather thought he would be pleased to experience his pleasure so readily.”
“A man would never be able to look at it that way.” Abby patted Moira’s hand. “I wouldn’t think on it again unless he remains distant. Give him a day or two. You should be pleased he is so attracted to you. I think it bodes well for the future.”
“Do you really think so?”
Moira knew her friends were once again bolstering her hopes but she was pleased by Vin’s overwhelming passion. It excited her to know he was so enthralled by their shared passion that he couldn’t hold back. She wanted him and would take that final step in surrendering herself completely to him when the time came. Whether he came to love her or not, she wanted it. She wanted those memories to cherish for the rest of her days.
“Certainly, and I wouldn’t hesitate long before pushing him a bit farther if you are intent on pursuing a future with him.”
She hadn’t been. A week ago, Moira had wanted nothing more than to run away with Harry and leave all thoughts of Vin behind. The constant pull of friendship versus love had weakened her resolve. Already wavering, the reassurances of her friends, their opinions of what they saw, what they read in Vin’s behavior transformed longing into hope. They had her half convinced he loved her and only needed the tiniest push to send him head over heels. The other half of her knew she was betting on a long shot. It was thrilling and terrifying at the sa
me time. It was the greatest risk she would ever take if she were willing to commit to that course.
Moira recalled the feel of Vin’s arms around her that morning, the passion he displayed, the way he moaned his pet name for her in her ear. It couldn’t only be generic passion that inflamed him, could it? He wanted her. If he wanted her with such intensity and loved her as a friend, surely finding a connecting point couldn’t be so difficult! What was true love but having a passion for your dearest friend? From everything her friends had ever told her, it is what they felt for their husbands. She had that connection with Vin. She needed to jump at the chance, the opportunity facing her.
“I am. Now, more than ever.”
Eve beamed at her. “Good! I honestly believe Vin only needs the slightest nudge to realize his true feelings for you. I don’t want you to give up on him.” A more wry smile replaced the other. “But still, I would suggest that you never, ever mention what happened this morning to him.”
“My goodness, yes,” Abby agreed heartily.
Kitty only snorted, adding with a chuckle, “I thought that went without saying.”
Chapter 22
To live is to suffer,
to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Raven’s Craig Castle
Near Kirkcaldy, Scotland
Three Days Later
Vin sat on the stony beach and stared out over the Firth of Forth, watching the sun reflecting off its choppy waters where it met the North Sea. There were some small cargo vessels passing in the distance likely on their way to dock in Edinburgh. Other than the gulls, there were no signs of life on these winter days. It was a cold morning, the February winds from the waters were bracing in their intensity but he thought the chill bracing, he savored the feel of the frigid air as it entered his lungs with each breath cooling him, calming him from the inside out.
For two full days and three nights now, he’d been at Raven’s Craig Castle alone but for the household staff and Godfrey, the MacKintosh’s longtime butler who oversaw dealings between the castle and their family estate at Glen Cairn. The seclusion was not overbearing nor did it remind him of his years of solitary imprisonment unless he deliberately made a comparison. Vin thought it was perhaps because he had little to dread these days…beyond a return to Edinburgh. Instead, he read endlessly, walked on the beaches or rode one of Francis’ horses. In the silence of the winter twilight, he even tried to play the piano, glad he attempted to do so without an audience who might be more inclined to flee than listen so badly out of practice was he.
On the beach at dawn, he continued to practice the Qigong and Tai Chi Chuan knowing it was his only hope to regain the life he once knew. Nightmares still haunted his nights, one after another. Whether he was drunk or sober, exhausted or not, they came with a vengeance. After so many sleepless nights, Vin knew he must look affright. His eyes were bloodshot with fatigue and ringed with dark circles. His body ached from tossing and turning but the Tai Chi Chuan cured that symptom at least. Between his exercise, walking and riding daily, he was quickly regaining his strength and stamina.
Jason continued to dominate the nightmares. He appeared so often Vin was beginning to feel haunted as if Jason were there in the daylight hours plaguing him as well. He frequently expected to turn about and find Jason there silently berating him, not only for failing him, but now for lusting after Moira, as well.
Again, he tried to find a way to ease the lust in his body. Twice he went into Kirkcaldy, first to a tavern and then to a brothel, determined to find someone, some body to release his torment on. He wanted to. Ever part of him urged him to have it done so he might return to Edinburgh and see Moira once more as the friend she was meant to be.
Still he could not bring himself to take another no matter how aroused he was. He wanted only Moira, as insane as it was. No other would do. How to reconcile the two was the matter that most beleaguered his waking hours.
Almost as much as facing her following that humiliating episode. He would have to eventually, he knew. As easy as it might be, he couldn’t hide out here at Raven’s Craig forever. He had a life to live, the gift of a second chance. He didn’t mean to waste it over this.
No, he would go back, render his most sincere apologies for once again ravaging Moira while she slept and then he would have to put as much space between them as he could.
For both of their sakes.
* * *
“We’ve been wondering where you went.”
Vin turned to find Richard walking down the beach and let out a sigh of irritation. “I am not an invalid or lunatic, brother, that I must tell my keeper where I go or ask permission to do so.”
“Nay, but it is normally a courtesy,” was Richard’s rebuttal. “You had us worried leaving without a word like that. Even James, was concerned.”
“I wired Francis to tell him where I was.”
“Yesterday.”
Leaving them two other days of worry as they hadn’t known Vin had spent that first day with Jamie. It hadn’t been until the previous day that anyone started to worry. They all knew Vin was having his own troubles fitting back into the family and society. To an extent, Richard could empathize with Vin. Whether he’d seen the worst of it or not, Richard had been there, had been a prisoner as well. Even without details, he could imagine Vin’s pain because it had once been his own. Occasionally, it still was. What a man saw or did during war wasn’t something that just went away. Even the most hardened could sometimes feel the ghosts shadowing their lives. Feel trapped.
Vin shook his head. “I just had to get away. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I understand how you’re feeling.”
“Bloody hell, Richard,” Vin ground out feeling that same frustration building in him once more. “Please do not think to placate me again. I’ve already told you that you cannot understand.”
“Actually, I think in this case I can.” Richard dropped down next to his brother on the sand, pulled his coat around him and stared out over the water. The trouble with Vin, he thought, was that he considered himself alone. Perhaps it was a normal side effect, a circumstance of his solitary years, Richard wasn’t sure, because there had been a time when Richard wanted nothing more than to be left alone to his troubles.
The worst thing that ever happened to him was that, for a brief time, he had been. He didn’t like to remember those days, but at the same time, he refused to let Vin fall into the darkness that could easily engulf him.
War did strange things to men, made them feel fears or paranoia they might not otherwise. He too had been subject to some of those feelings when he returned to England but Vin couldn’t go on alone thinking what he was experiencing was so abnormal he must hide himself away from those who cared about him.
Vin thought that made him weak. Richard personally thought his brother was one of the bravest men he’d ever known. He thought, also, Vin was handling things much better than he ever had.
Of course, he was also the most stubborn ass of a man Richard had ever met. It was astounding that Vin could face one battle so fiercely and run from another so hastily.
Naturally, he couldn’t say any of those things to his brother lest he rouse his anger, so instead he offered another perspective on Vin’s troubles.
“When I was sent home from Egypt to recover, I wanted to return right away to find you. Francis, of course, insisted that I regain my full strength first. He’d been in London awhile at the time, I think. Avoiding Vanessa and trying to push his divorce petition through Parliament. I stayed with him there. Better doctors, peaceful recovery, et cetera. I’m sure he told you all the same when you came home.”
Richard was sounding so thoughtful in his reminiscing Vin simply nodded and waited for him to continue. “That’s when I first saw Abby again, did you know? I hadn’t seen her since she was about seventeen or so. Before we went to join the guards. Still, I recognized her right away. Sweet little angel
hadn’t changed a bit in all that time.” He gave a self-depreciating laugh. “Did you know I thought she was only about fifteen or so at the time? She’s such a wee lass. It’s easy to mistake her as a child at first glance and I had always thought of her as such because she’s Jack’s sister, of course. Always thought of her as a sister. Just like Moira, too. Right?”
Vin shifted uncomfortably. “Naturally.”
Richard watched Vin slyly out of the corner of his eye noticing his brother’s unease. He didn’t like this subject any better than speaking about the war, it seemed. “Hurts, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Vin said evasively, though he knew clearly now where his brother was heading. An idiot could draw the parallels from his tale.
“To want what you think you should not,” Richard said simply, confirming Vin’s suspicions. “My conscience ate at me wanting Abby as I did. Jack took it all out of my hide when he found out I was sleeping with her. Thought he was going to kill me for certain.”
He said nothing.
“In truth, I felt good after Jack beat me to a pulp,” was Richard’s next confession. “Made a lot of the guilt go away.”
He could almost feel Richard’s amusement on the whole subject and felt in that moment he would feel pretty good if he beat his brother to a pulp as well. He idly wondered if he was strong enough to take him.
“Your point?”
“Moira doesn’t have a brother here to do that for her and her father is a pretty old man, but the rest of us—uh, those with more brotherly inclinations toward her—would gladly line up to give you the beating of a lifetime if it helps.”
Silence reigned as Vin ground his teeth in frustration. Bloody hell! Was he that obvious?
“No one blames you, of course,” Richard went on conversationally. “She’s sought after and not just because of her wealth. Moira is a beautiful woman, very desirable.”
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