by Tiya Rayne
“Zora, what’s wrong?” I can hear the worry laced in his voice.
“I’m not keeping the baby.” I say it quickly, hopefully the faster I get it out the easier it will be.
It took only a few minutes to come to this conclusion after Maya left me in the middle of my living room floor. There really was no other way.
I feel his strong presence at my back.
“Don’t let them do this to us. Don’t let them win.”
I almost cave when he says those words to me. Those words have been the staple for our relationship. Don’t let them win. God knows they have tried.
“It’s not about them.” I say, turning to face him.
“Then what?” He pleads. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong? Tell me what’s changed?”
“Nothing has changed.”
He grabs my arms. “Don’t tell me that. We had a plan, Zora. We were happy.”
“I don’t want the baby!” I shout.
He drops his hands from me as if my words have run through my body and caught fire to my limbs. He shakes his head as if he’s trying to dislodge that sentence from his mind.
“You don’t want the baby?” He clarifies.
“I’m still young, Luke. I have nothing to offer this child.”
“You offer it love. What else does it need?”
“Diapers, milk, clothes.” I list off a few things I’m pretty sure a baby needs.
“And I’ll get that for the baby. I’ll work every damn day if I have to.”
I shake my head at him, trying to fight back the tears that are burning the back of my eyes.
“You told me that the choice was mine. When I first told you I was pregnant, you said that the choice was mine and you would live with my decision. This is my decision.”
The look on his face breaks my heart. When you love someone the way I love him, you never want to put that look on their face. His eyes fill with unshed tears and he places both hands on top of his head looking up at the old roof straight into the night sky.
“Ok.” He says on an exhale, after a moment of silence. “I’ll sale my truck and get the money. You can make an appointment…..”
“I’m going tomorrow. My parents are paying.”
I know that hurt him more than anything. Allowing my parents to pay for anything that he felt he should be paying for, always made Luke feel like less of a man. His eyes look at me briefly before turning away again. Even in that brief contact I can see how my decision is killing him. But I am doing this for him. I am making this decision because I love him this much. For once, I am going to be unselfish.
“What time should I pick you up?”
God, I’m going to crush him. “I don’t want you there.”
This time when he looks at me I can almost physically feel his pain. I try to quickly explain my reasoning—not that it will help.
“I don’t want you to experience this.” I look down at my hands twisting them in the hem of my shirt. “We shouldn’t both have the memory.”
“I don’t want you to be alone.” His voice cracks.
“I won’t be. Mama’s going with me.”
He nods. “You can meet me here afterwards then.”
The tears that I’m holding back fall from my eyes in slow tracks down to my chin.
“Baby, don’t cry. We can get past this….” He reaches for me, but I step away from him.
“I think we should go our separate ways.”
He looks at me like I’ve turned into a new person. “No!” he replies as if I have asked him a question.
“Luke,”
“No!” He turns away from me, his hands clenched in fist at his sides. “We had plans.”
Even before the pregnancy, our plan was that I would follow Luke to University of Eastern Carolina. He would use some of his scholarship money to get us an apartment, and I would get a job and save up my money. My parents refused to pay for me to go to UEC and even with scholarships I would still have a good bit to pay. Hopefully by next semester I could start school with him. I was once excited about those plans, but now they just wouldn’t work.
“Plans change.”
He spins around to face me, his eyes blazing with anger. “You don’t want my kid?” His words are like knives in my heart. If he only knew the truth. “Fine. I can’t make you keep my baby. But I’ll be damn if I let you walk away from us.”
“Be reasonable, Luke.”
“I AM RESONABLE.” He shouts. “For years I’ve kept quiet about the way I felt about you. I’ve been in love with you since first grade, but I never said anything. I always thought that I wasn’t good enough for you. I was just some poor white kid, no way would a girl like you fall for me. The day I found out that I had a chance with you, I vowed I would fight like hell for you to be mine forever. I’ve worked my ass off at this football thing not just for me, but so that one day I would be someone that you could be proud of. I will not let them,” He points towards the door, but I know the “them” he is referring to. The people with their rude comments, and hateful stares. The people that taunted and bullied us. His parents and mine. All the people that made it their business to destroy the love that we have. Those are the “them” he is referring to. “…..I won’t let them take away everything I ever wanted.”
He steps closer to me, wrapping his arms around me, resting his chin on my head. “I love you, Zora. More than anything in this world. I won’t fight you about the baby, but I will fight you for us.”
I almost can’t do it. His words almost make me change my mind, but I knew what I had to do, and why. I pull away from the arms that I love. The arms I will always love. I roughly run my hands across my cheeks to dry my tears.
“I need more.” I say the words and the lie burns the back of my throat.
“I don’t understand.”
I turn to face him. “You, this football stuff, it’s all a dream. Langston says that millions of boys every year go to college to play football and never make it to the NFL.”
That was true, Langston did tell me that. My response to him was that, Luke was special. If anybody could beat the odds, it was Luke. However, I don’t tell Luke that now. Instead I finish putting the nail in the coffin of our relationship.
“Let’s face it Luke, if this football thing doesn’t work out, you will be back here probably working for your uncle in that auto shop, and I’ll be forced to be with you. I don’t want to be broke. I don’t want to be your parents.”
His eyes never leave my face and I’m forced to watch the love that he held for me in those hazel eyes turn into hatred.
The old school house is quiet. I fight the urge to fall at his feet and tell him the truth. Tell him that I really did love him and I was only doing this for him. Finally, Luke looks away from me, breaking the connection that had me only a second away from confessing the truth.
“So that’s how you really feel?”
“Yes.” No!
He turns and walks towards the door of the one room shack. Before he steps out into the cool spring night he pauses with his back to me.
“One day my dream will be a reality. Even if I don’t play for the NFL, I will be successful. I will prove to you and this town that I am more than some broke kid. And when I do, I will relish in the fact that I get to rub it in every one’s face. One day, Zora Henderson, you will regret this decision.”
He storms away from the old school and out of my life leaving me crumbled on the floor in tears. He never had to wait for me to regret those words, I already did.
Present Day
Chapter One
“H ow the hell is it so cold out here?” I mumble the question to myself as I clutch the threadbare sweater tighter to my chest.
I’ve been living in Chicago for eight years, yet I still haven’t adjusted to this crazy weather. It’s mid-May, if I was back home in South Carolina, it would be warm enough for sandals and a sundress. I guess the weather wouldn’t be so bad if I’d been prepared. My cheap sweate
r is doing nothing to fight this chill, but when you’re on a budget you have to take whatever The Salvation Army has to offer.
I laugh a little at my predicament. If someone from back home saw me now, they would never guess I’m the same girl that once wore a jacket that cost the same price I pay in rent now.
“Oh how the mighty do fall.” I say, again speaking to myself.
I wrap my arms around my waist trying to trap some of my body heat inside the thin cardigan. The strap from my camera bag falls down my shoulder again. I push the strap back up as I think about the pictures I took tonight.
The only thing I’ve ever stuck with in my life, is my love for a camera. Thankfully I was able to turn my little passion into a second income. Three years ago I took pictures for a friend’s wedding. She posted the images online and since then I’ve been asked to photograph everything from weddings, birthdays, engagement announcements, family photos, to babies. If you name it, and it can be photographed, I’ve done it. I work as a waitress in the daytime, and do my photography on the weekends and after work. I’m hoping to turn ‘With Love Photos’ into a full time job one day.
Ahead of me I spot a man bending down to tie his daughter’s shoes. She has a pink coat on that looks warm. Her hair is in two long ponytails on each side of her head. She smiles happily at me as I approach. I give her a slight wave and she waves back. When the man is done tying her shoe, he stands and she plants her small hand into his and the look on her face makes my heart feel like someone is trying to squeeze it to make a juice. That look in the man’s eyes as he looks down at the little girl is a reminder of a time in my life that is far behind me. I block the annoying emotions that are trying to take over me. When I first left home I thought I would have moments like this often. Moments when I missed my family, especially that look in my father’s eyes. But, by the time I left him things had gotten so bad, that look was long gone. Now when those moments do come, I’m reminded of the look in my father’s eyes when he turned away from me. The day I learned that I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself. I guess I can be thankful that those moments so rarely visit me, not as often as…… Don’t go there, Zora.
“Zora!” I hear my name and quickly glance over my shoulder as I continue to walk.
I smile when I see who called me. “Officer Warrant, what are you doing here?”
Calvin Warrant is a very attractive man. He’s tall and dark skinned with the most beautiful white smile. His hair is always cut in a low fade and he wears a trimmed and neat goatee. He has one of those bodies that you only see on television. Thick arms and broad shoulders. There is no doubt that he spent lots of time in the gym. And boy did he look delicious in his police uniform.
“I was on break when I saw you walk by. Where’re you headed?” he ask, catching up to me.
“Bus stop. I have to catch the 11:40.” I continue to walk.
“Dressed like that?” His eyes rake down to my bare legs.
I look down at my silver knee length skirt and black flats. Tonight I am coming from a wedding shoot. The church wasn’t too far from the diner that I worked at, or else I would have taken a cab home.
“I had to work tonight.” I reply simply.
“Should’ve figured with the camera bag. How about I walk my favorite waitress to the bus stop? It’s not safe out here for you.”
He’s been talking about my safety since the day he found out I was from South Carolina.
“Calvin, I’ve been in the city long enough now to know how to stay safe.” I say with a laugh.
I see the embarrassed smile that cross his handsome features before he turns his head. “Ok, maybe I just wanted to spend time with you.”
As always, the moment I feel some guy is trying to flirt with me my mind starts to flood with memories of Luke. Memories that I’ve tried so hard to forget. My mouth suddenly goes dry and my heart starts racing. I close my eyes and I’m met with Luke’s hazel eyes, the color of fall leaves.
“Hey, Zora, you ok?”
My eyes shoot open. At some point I’d stop walking and was standing in one spot with my hand over my heart. Whoever said that time heals all wounds was a liar. Some wounds do not heal, instead they scab over, ready to bleed with the slightest bump.
“I’m fine.” I say to Calvin with a weak smile that probably looked more like a grimace.
I start back walking, anything to get my mind off my past.
“So, I’m just going to go for it.” He rubs a hand over his low cut waves. “Zora, I was wondering if maybe we could go out sometime.”
And there it was. Calvin hasn’t been the only guy to ask me out since I left South Carolina with a broken heart and $670. When I thought I was finally ready to date again, I went out with a few guys. It ended in disaster every time. The moment any man tries to touch me in an intimate way I completely freak out. I thought it was just a nerves thing. I figured if I just jump all the way in and get my feet wet I would be ok. I completely broke down crying lying in this guy’s bed after sex. He consoled me, told me it was ok, and never called me again. I didn’t blame him. I’ve stayed off the market since then, focusing on more important things than dating. And when the mood strikes, I pull out my trusted B.O.B (Battery operated boyfriend) to quench my thirst.
However, Calvin has been the first man in years that I’ve even considered breaking my hiatus for. I’ve known him for a while now. He patrols the block my waitressing job is on. He is a loyal patron to the diner. Usually he does a lot of playful flirting, but has never asked me out before. He’s funny, nice, has my love for classic horror movies and did I mention Sexy? I know B.O.B would love the break. I’ve been so fully committed to him over the years, in some states, we would be considered a legal couple. However, even now those damn hazel eyes flash through my mind like neon lights.
Why can’t I get over you?
“Look, Calvin.” I say as I finally stop in front of the bus stop. “You are a really great guy, but I have a lot of baggage. I mean, a lot.”
He smiles down at me from his towering height. “I know. I can see it in your eyes.” He reaches up to touch my face.
I almost allow another man to touch me, and then at the last minute Luke comes to mind and I step away from Calvin’s touch. His arms fall back down by his sides. Although Luke plays a huge role in my hesitation to let new people in, he isn’t the only issue I carry with me from my past. I learned at the age of seventeen that people, even those close to you, will betray you.
“I won’t rush you, Zora. I know you need time. I’m not asking for anything big, I just want to spend time with you outside of work and for more than five minutes.”
Such a simple request. “Calvin…”
He holds up a hand to stop my refusal. “I don’t need an answer right now. How about you think about it.”
How can I refuse that? He’s been nice and extremely patient with me.
“Ok! I’ll think about it.” I say with a smile just as the bus pulls up.
“Cool, you know where to reach me.” He watches me as I climb on the bus swiping my bus pass before finding a seat in the middle near the window.
The bus pulls off and I watch as Calvin slowly slips out of view. Why couldn’t I be normal and just say yes to a man like Calvin?
***
I climb off the bus a block away from my apartment. When I was a kid I had heard all these horror stories about living in big cities. When my cousin Sean invited me to move up here with him I was terrified. I thought about all the things that could happen to a young southern girl in the big bad city. Yet, I soon realized that after the stuff I had lived through, the city was like paradise. I have never felt threatened here. Unlike back home. Before I left, Luke and I couldn’t even go out in public. We even had to skip our prom.
I rub my hand over the scar at the back of my head. The unwanted memory of that night springs up in my mind like weeds.
By the time I received this scar, things had gotten really bad back home. Just a few days be
fore that night someone had broken into my car, smashing out all the windows and carved the words “Whore” into the side of my door. This wasn’t the first or last time my car was vandalized. Even Luke’s truck had its tires slashed.
My dad refused to get the car fixed this time. He said as long as I agreed to see “that boy” I needed to be prepared to deal with the outcome. So, I was stuck with being chauffeured around town.
Luke had no problem taking me where I needed to go, even though he couldn’t pull into my parents’ yard or come in their house. If they could, they would have forbade me from seeing him—not that they hadn’t tried.
It was a weekday, and Luke was meeting his coach after practice to talk about the upcoming game. I was only after school because I was on the yearbook staff. It was one of the few clubs at the school I still felt welcomed in. Many of the teachers and the students did not agree with Luke and my relationship and often made it known. Mrs. Hagle, my Yearbook staff advisor, was not one of them.
I was so busy looking through my Nikon at the new photos I had taken of the swim team that I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings. By the time I noticed the group of boys surrounding me, it was too late.
“Look what we have here. A little porch monkey.” Buck Mitchell, one of the most outspoken against Luke and my relationship, said.
“I hear this little porch monkey likes white cock.” Jacob Holmes, one of Buck’s friends, added.
Someone’s hand reached out and touched my shoulder. I jerked away from the foreign hand.
“Don’t touch me.” I warned.
“I think this little monkey needs to learn her place. She thinks she’s better than our good wholesome white girls.”
Luke always told me to not encourage these assholes. He said that ignoring them makes them lose interest. However, I was tired of letting them treat me like some second class citizen.
I laughed dryly. “Wholesome? Is that what you call Rebecca?” I asked, referring to Buck’s girlfriend.
“Her mouth’s been filled with more dicks than a football locker room. Does that mean you like white cock too?” I knew the moment that last sentence left my mouth, I should have listened to Luke.