by S. K. Lessly
A huge piece of me died that day. I cried that night like I had never cried before. For hours, I lay on the floor at the side of my mom’s bed and wept for the future I wouldn’t have, for the memories I’d try to always remember, and the smiling face of the woman who loved me with everything in her. After all the tears were gone, I shut down all emotions and started making the phone calls needed to lay my mother to rest.
I called my dad and told him that his wife had passed, and I heard his voice hitch before he told me he was on the next plane. I almost lost it right then, hearing the pain in my father’s voice. I knew he felt this loss just as deeply as I’d felt it. Hell, it may be worse for him. After all, he’d walked away from the love of his life. Maybe he thought he had more time. Maybe he thought my mom would change her mind and follow him. Thinking back to my talk with my mom, I knew she regretted not going with him. When she told me not to be afraid to take risks, I knew she was speaking of her not following my dad. Now, it was too late for my parents to reconcile. It wasn’t, however, too late for me.
I continued the calls I needed to make to the funeral home, and some of my mom’s closest relatives and friends. I endured a lot of crying and condolences, but I had become numb to it all. It was either that or lose it and again, I refused to lose it.
Once I was done with the calls I needed to make, I begrudgingly called Lionel and told him about my mom. He surprised me and genuinely sounded remorseful as he told me how sorry he was for my loss. However, I couldn’t bring myself to reply. The man seemed sincere enough; I was just over him, over the fake ass relationship we shared. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my life or how I was going to deal with the loss of my mom. What I did know was that I didn’t want to figure it out with Lionel by my side.
The silence over the phone had thrown Lionel a bit. I could tell by the sudden returned silence. Before he bounced back and tried another attempt at being nice to me, I ended the call telling him I’d talk to him later.
Actually, I didn’t care if he came to my mother’s funeral or if he stayed away. The person I did want to see I couldn’t get a hold of.
I had called Ethan just after the ambulance left with my mom. I was on the verge of breaking when I finally managed to dial the last digit to his phone number. But as the phone kept ringing and ringing in my ear, my hopes fell away. I called him a few more times that day, during my complete emotional meltdown, and after. I even threw a few text messages his way asking him to call me. Okay it was more than just a few calls and text messages, I didn’t care. I needed my best friend. I needed the one person I knew could take the hurt away.
I didn’t care that we left things awkward. I knew how much he adored my mom, how much she meant to him. I knew he would be devastated to know she had passed. I also knew he would do everything he could to be by my side. In one of the messages, I gave him the funeral information, hoping against hope he’d show. He didn’t, which only added to the grief choking the life out of me.
Since the funeral, I hadn’t done much of anything. I hadn’t left the house. I hadn’t returned any of the calls I received, nor text messages. Hell, I wasn’t sure if I had a job to go back to. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. The only thing I felt was pain, and I reveled in it.
My dad, God bless him, tried to pick me up. He handled all of the well wishes that came by the house with food and heartfelt pities. I didn’t have the stomach for any of it, but my dad was a trooper. He even tried to get me to talk to him about my mom, to eat, to shower more frequently, to do something other than lay in the bed. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything but drown in my sorrow.
The day following the funeral, I was in my favorite spot, lying across an unkempt bed in a room that was stifling. I had a fan in the window blowing hot air on me, but it wasn’t doing anything to cool me off. I was even dressed in a tank and short shorts, but I was still sweating in places I shouldn’t. But humidity never bothered me anyway.
I placed my arms over my eyes to shield them from the sunlight coming through the window and tried to get some much-needed rest. Sleeping had been my escape of choice. The pain I felt in my chest was debilitating. There were times when I couldn’t breathe. There were times when I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, get angry and tear what was left of this house apart. Then there were the dark moments when I debated if it was worth living. I knew taking my own life wasn’t an option. My mother would find a way to come back, bring me back just so she could kill me. It was a horrible thing to think about, much less admit. But right now, I just couldn’t think about living, or existing without my mom.
I heard the door to my room open and I groaned, openly showing my disdain for being interrupted. The smell that permeated the room told me exactly who was invading my space, which made my body tense with frustration.
Seriously, why do men feel the need to bathe in cologne? Especially the cheap ass kind.
“So, are you gonna end this moping and come home?” the familiar, yet taxing voice asked.
I opened my eyes to find Lionel standing in front of me. I rolled my eyes at him and draped my arm back over my face.
“I thought you would’ve left by now,” I said to him, dismissively.
“No, I was waiting on you. Aren’t you coming with me?”
Was he serious?
“Why would you think that? I still have a few things to do before I leave.”
“What else do you need to do, Alexis?”
I moved my arm to look at him again and I couldn’t help the frown that spread along my empty features. What in the hell had I seen in him?
Lionel was tall, lean, and granted he had a nice body, but his chin looked weak from where I lay. His eyes were too close together and his nose was big. And his head… damn, I had no idea it was that freaking long.
“Alexis, answer me. What else do you need to do here?”
I sighed, irritated by his presence and the fact that he was clogging the stuffy air in this room with his smelly cologne.
“I still have to clean the rest of my…” I paused to bite back tears.
I refused to let the tears go, especially in front of Lionel. I had learned that lesson the hard way.
I had allowed myself to let go once when he came to the house the day before the funeral but that shit quickly died after he said to me, “Well hey, at least you were prepared. You should’ve known it would happen sooner or later, right?”
His phone then rang and he had excused himself and walked out of my mom’s house without another thought.
He was really there for me after the funeral last night when he said, “You don’t expect me to stay in this hot ass house with you, do you?”
He is such a great catch!
“Look,” he said on a sigh, his squirmy voice bringing me back to the present. “I hope you don’t expect me to stay here another day. I have a life that quite frankly is more important…” he paused abruptly, I figured, finally realizing what he was saying and wisely stopped speaking.
I got up from the bed and walked past him, stepping out of the room for something other than a restroom break. I spun on my heels to face him inside my doorway and narrowed a heated gaze on his apologetic face.
“You’re right. I don’t expect you to stay. Hell, I don’t expect anything from you. So, leave. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. Don’t let me stop you from living your important life.”
“Alexis, I didn’t mean—” he started to say but I put my hand up to stop him.
“No!” I cut him off sharply with my tongue. “I know exactly what you meant, trust me.”
I walked out of the kitchen and past my father who was sitting at the kitchen table trying to concentrate on the upside-down paper in his hands.
“Look Alexis, I know how you feel,” Lionel consoled, as he followed me.
I had almost made it to the front door before he spit that crap in my presence. He knows how I feel? He has no fucking clue how I feel.
/> I stopped and turned back around. I regarded him with disgust evident on my tired face. “You know what, Lionel? I don’t think you’re capable of feeling anything. In fact,” I barked out a mirthlessly laugh, “I don’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to marry you. I must have been out of my mind.”
“What?” he prodded, but I spoke over him.
“But now I feel like the blinders have been lifted from my eyes.” I walked up close to him. “You are a selfish son of a bitch with no heart.”
“Now, you wait one damn minute. You better watch your mouth.” Lionel pointed his finger in my face, but I smacked it away.
“Get the hell out of my mother’s house now before I throw you out,” I said coldly and meant every single word.
Delivering my final blow, I walked past him, brushing my shoulder hard against him as I passed by. I walked past my dad, seeing the smirk on his face and ignoring him too, and headed back to my bedroom. I paced inside the hot ass room, fury, stupidity and sadness bombarding me all at once. I was debating on the words I spewed at him. They were harsh and by right, he deserved every bit of my wrath and more. Maybe I should go out there and tell him the rest. Let him know the thing between us was dead and that I didn’t want to marry him anymore. I didn’t want to be in this agreement anymore. At first, it was because I deserved more, and I wanted more. Now, I just didn’t want him.
***
Ethan
I arrived the next day at the house and blew out a breath. I dragged a hand over my face and stared up at the house. Last night, I finally listened to all the messages Alexis left me. Fuck, she was wrecked. I could hear it in her voice she was destroyed, and I hadn’t been there for her. Damn it!
I drove straight to her house last night after I left the command center, ready to get on my hands and knees, beg for forgiveness, and pray she forgave me and allowed me to comfort her. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me and despite the time apart, I felt that shit deep.
I had parked my car in the driveway and studied the dark house. It was quiet, despite it being seven pm at night. I had called Billy to check the video feeds and he told me the house was empty.
I had staked out the house for most of the night, hoping to catch her, but my vigilant stalking didn’t produce shit but a crick in my neck. I didn’t catch anyone coming home last night and the house remained dark throughout the night. By three am, I decided to call it a night. I’d come back tomorrow and hoped she’d talk to me. Despite how pissed off I knew she’d be, I needed to make sure she was okay.
The bond between mother and daughter had been uncanny growing up. Mr. Stone called them twins they acted so much alike. If Lexie wasn’t with me hanging out, she was with her mom. They spent a shitload of time together, whether it was grocery shopping, cooking, working in the yard or heading to the mall for the day. Knowing that truth, I knew this loss would hit her hard. I could hear it in her voice the many times she left messages for me to call her.
Fuck, if I could kick my own ass I would. I should’ve done more research on Lexie and her family. I didn’t merely because I knew them, or at least I thought I did. I should’ve known Ms. Mille was sick, more than sick. That she was terminal.
Mama Millie was the closest I’d had to a mother. She was a wonderful person that had no problem showing affection, especially to me. She took care of me, feeding me but also talking to me, allowing me to express myself any way I liked. Thinking of that loss hurt more than anyone would ever know. The only thing left to do was to be there for Lexie and I’d do whatever it took to achieve that goal.
I stared at the house for a few more heartbeats before I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. I made it around the front of my car just as I saw Alexis’s father and a man step onto the front porch. Both men turned in my direction and as I got closer, the older of the two men started to smile.
“Well, I’ll be damned. Is that really you, son?” Mr. Stone said in greeting before a huge smile spread along his somber face.
“Yes sir, it is. It’s good to see you.” I met his smile with one of my own and jogged to where he stood at the bottom of the steps to the house. We embraced in a fierce bear hug, slapping each other on the back before we separated.
I kept a hand on the old man’s shoulder, squeezed before I let him go.
“I can’t believe it. It’s been like what, ten years?” Mr. Stone queried, still smiling big.
“Twelve actually. Twelve long years,” I admitted soberly.
I took in the man in front of me, clocking the signs of aging he sported. There wasn’t much there, some lines around his eyes and gray in his hair. Other than that, the man I had thought of as a father looked the same as he did twelve years ago.
I remembered wanting to be just like him when I grew up, a family man with honor and integrity. It had been years, but I still felt my chest get tight with just being in the presence of this great man.
I looked at my mentor’s grief-stricken eyes and said softly, “I’m so sorry to hear about Mama Millie. She was a wonderful woman.”
Mr. Stone nodded and I could see the emotion creep in his eyes. “Yes, she was, son. Yes, she was.”
“How’s Lexie?” I asked softly.
“Lexie, is it?” I heard the other guy repeat, trying to imitate my voice. I assumed from his lack of presence this was Lionel.
I turned toward the voice and found a well-dressed dark-skinned man walking down the steps toward us. He was clean-shaven with one of those smiles that made me instantly want to cave his face in. He seemed sneaky and when I looked the man in his eyes, I could tell he wasn’t about nothing. No wonder Mama Millie didn’t trust him.
Lionel looked me up and down. “If you mean Alexis, my fiancée, she’s just fine. And who might you be?”
I didn’t say a word to the coward. We continued to size each other up, indifference in my eyes, disgust evident on his pretty boy face. I could feel Mr. Stone straighten beside me. The old man glanced at the suit then at me. The tension was building. I felt it in my bones, welcomed it. I also knew I wasn’t the only one who felt the tension rise, which was probably the reason Mr. Stone stepped between us and started the introductions before things got ugly.
“Lionel, this is Ethan Wolf. He and Alexis grew up together. Ethan, this is Lionel.”
“Alexis's fiancé,” Lionel added, giving Mr. Stone a heated look before returning his eyes to me. Neither one of us stretched out our hands for a shake. Lionel’s piece of shit ass tried to give me an intimidating look, though.
I snorted and turned my gaze to Mr. Stone. “Is Lexie inside?”
I saw Lionel stiffen slightly, and I bit back a grin. I guess the asshat didn’t like being dismissed. I could give two fucks about his feelings. I had someone else to worry about.
“Uh actually,” Lionel spoke up. “My fiancée is lying down asleep at the moment, resting. She just lost her mother.”
I squared my shoulders with Lionel’s, towering over the little shit. I bested him in height, weight and muscle mass and he and I both knew it. I could be an intimidating SOB if I wanted to and, in that moment, I wanted to.
“Yeah, she did. So, I guess you’re staying?”
Lionel stumbled a bit before he said, “No, actually. I have to return tonight to Philly, but I’ll be back tomorrow.”
I knew he was lying but I didn’t let on. Instead, I said, “Aw well, have a safe trip.” I gave him a rueful smile before I walked past him, grazing his shoulder with mine before I climbed the few steps to the porch, Lexie’s dad coming up behind me.
As I walked up the steps, I could feel Lionel's eyes burning a hole in my back. I didn’t turn around to acknowledge him, but I knew with every fiber of my being we would have words again. And I couldn’t wait.
Mr. Stone led me through the empty house to the kitchen and offered me a cup of coffee. “Sit down, son. Tell me what you’ve been doing with yourself.”
“Nothing much, sir, just working. I’m working for Sig
ma Protocol.” Mr. Stone's eyebrows rose in recognition, and it made me feel like shit lying to the man. But, for some reason, I still wanted his approval. I wanted to make him proud. I decided to give him a bit of truth. “That’s a company that—”
“Yes, I’m actually familiar with the company. They are right outside of the Air Force base we have in Dover, correct?” Mr. Stone pointed to the cup of joe in his hand signaling if I needed anything in my coffee. I shook my head and he passed me the cup. “So, if you work for them then that means you served?”
“Yes sir, the army to be exact,” I told him before taking a sip.
Mr. Stone’s chest swelled as he smiled. He took the seat in front of me, his eyes bright with pride. He used to tell me about the glory days when he served in the army many times. He didn’t glorify his time; he merely talked about the camaraderie of the army, what it taught him, and how it shaped him to be the man he’d become. “The army? How long?”
“Four years,” I returned then added, “You inspired me, by the way. I actually served because of you.” Which was the truth in every sense of the word.
“Wow, I’m honored to have inspired you,” he replied, giving me a slight bow of his head. He hesitated for a beat then asked, “So, you got out after the four years?”
I smiled behind my cup, took a sip, and studied the man before me. I knew what he wanted to know, the unasked question. Did I do more with my military career? I had and it was because of the man before me. The question I had was should I make him sweat or tell him what he wanted to hear. I decided to tell him. “No sir, I decided my talents were needed elsewhere.”
That news made his eyebrows rise again. “Oh? And where would that be exactly?”
“Special Ops, sir.”
I noted the tension in Mr. Stone as he sipped his coffee. He looked at me for quite some time before he spoke. “Delta?”