by S. K. Lessly
Ethan finally stopped pacing suddenly as if he hit a brick wall or realization finally dawned on him. God, I hoped I was right.
He studied me. I was raw and exposed to him and I knew the moment he realized it. The tension eased from his body. His hard-green eyes softened, but his voice was gritty, low and deep.
“Alexis, you were all I thought about when I was in Detroit. I saved money I earned from doing odd jobs for our neighbors to make sure I could get to you. But when I got that letter, when I read those words… you gutted me.” He raised his hand when he saw I was about to speak. “No, just listen. I understand you didn’t write the letter. I’m not sure who it was but I have my suspicions.” When I raised an eyebrow, signaling I wanted him to explain, he sighed.
“In one of your letters, you mentioned seeing my mom. Did you give her my address?”
I thought about it, went back to the past and was about to say no when I remembered something, and my eyes brightened from the memory.
“Your mom stopped me one day outside my house and told me our mail was delivered to her house instead of ours. You know that happened sometimes. Anyway, I remembered she said she had opened one of the letters you sent me. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled at me. At the time, I was freaked out about it. Your mother never smiled. Anyway, she said she didn’t realize the mail didn’t belong to her until she opened and started reading it. When she saw the returned address, she thought you were writing her.”
I knew Ethan’s mom wasn’t very nice, but to think she might have written those horrible words to her son was messed up.
“Fucking bitch,” he mumbled more to himself than to me. He ran his hand through his hair and rested his palm at the back of his neck. He massaged the tense muscles and closed his eyes. When he opened them, I didn’t see just the anger and the hurt there. There was so much more expressed on his face, it hurt to look at him.
“Look, I owe you an apology,” he confessed softly, his voice sounding defeated. I wanted to ask about his mom. Why would she do something like that? Where she was now? Had he spoken to her? Would he now? However, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He went on.
“I should’ve listened to you when you told me you had nothing to do with hacking into the DOD. Maybe if I had, you wouldn’t have been placed in harm’s way and you definitely wouldn’t have gotten shot. I should’ve believed you, but I didn’t and I’m sorry. I hope we can get past everything that’s happened and let bygones be bygones. We leave the past in the past and move on with our lives. We owe it to each other as well as ourselves. Let go of all the hurt, anger and frustrations and live our lives.”
“Just like that?” I asked, not feeling his words at all. “You want me to forget just like that?”
Ethan held my gaze and nodded. “Yes. I know it won’t be easy, but you have to try. I know I will.”
Damn he was killing me and I couldn’t keep it off my face. What was he now O for like one thousand?
“I’m sorry, Lex, but it’s for the best,” he whispered, turned and started to leave.
Something in me shifted as I watched him walk away. I don’t know, call me stupid or weak, but I couldn’t let him leave. With every step he took, it felt as if he was taking the best parts of me with him. I know I said I didn’t want to deal with him or our past, but now, after everything, I couldn’t let go.
I just… couldn’t.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alexis
“Wait, Ethan. You can’t leave like this.” I walked quickly to head him off. “We have to talk about this.”
“Lexie, there’s nothing to talk about,” Ethan huffed, his annoyance shining through.
“Yes, there is!" I demanded, my voice teetering on shrill. “You said that you didn’t lie to me and that you spent time with me because you wanted to. If that’s the truth, why are you saying goodbye like you’ll never see me again?”
“Because I won’t.”
“Why? Tell me why.”
“Lexie,” he bellowed. “This isn’t happening.”
He shifted to the left and I met his step.
“No, this isn’t fair.”
“How isn’t it? Isn’t this what you wanted? You asked me to go. Now, I’m going and you want to stop me.”
I stepped closer, my eyes locked on his. “You said you wanted me. Was that all a lie? Did you just say that to me because you were working a case?”
“No!”
Thank god!
“Then how can you just walk away like this? How can you—”
“Don’t you see?” he professed, desperation in his voice. “You and I can never be together.”
“Why?!” I cried out, knowing I sounded desperate too, but I couldn’t help it.
The thought of never seeing him again, of never feeling his hands on me, his mouth, of never seeing him smile. Or hell, just the way he looked at me…it had me… I just… I mean I couldn’t…
Gah!
I was losing it. My heart started to ache, my breathing picked up, and my body began to hum with the anticipation of having him. I shook with the need to feel him, to taste him. No way was I going to let him go that easily. I just couldn’t… I was… I was in love with him. I was wrong for thinking I could just walk away. I was stupid for thinking things could just end with us. There would be no other man for me but him. I had to try to get him to see this, to feel what I felt. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I had to at least try.
“Lexie, I have to go.” Ethan walked around me and headed for the door, but I was faster. I raced around his hulking frame and slammed my back against the door.
“Fuck, Alexis.”
I looked up at him, trying to think of what to say or do to get him to stay, to make him see we belonged together. It finally came to me.
“Move,” he demanded, and I shook my head. I could see the frustration all over his face. I ignored it and went for what I wanted. I took a chance, a leap, and hoped I didn’t fall flat on my face. “What do you think you’re do—”
Before he could finish that question, I pounced. I launched myself at him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arm around his neck. He let out a surprised oomph, but he didn’t let me go. I thought it was a good sign.
“Alexis,” he whispered and, having enough, I grabbed him by the side of his face and crashed my lips to his.
I didn’t have to push for entrance. He opened to me willingly and I took full advantage. I kissed him with everything I had, caressing his mouth with my tongue, claiming what was mine since forever. I moaned into his mouth, pulling every breath, every groan, every bit of strength from him. I wanted to weaken him, to make him feel, to let go, to make him realize we belonged together.
When his hand went to my ass and squeezed, hard, I knew I had him. Except, I didn’t.
Just when I was about to grind my wet sex against him, he broke away, reaching behind him and removing my legs from his hips.
“Fuck, I can’t do this!”
He awkwardly put me down and stepped away from me, cussing the entire way.
I tried to speak but couldn’t. My breaths were coming fast and hard. I watched as he battled with whatever was flowing through him. When he finally looked at me, my heart, which was mending slowly, split apart yet again. Still, I took a deep breath and tentatively stepped closer.
“Ethan?” I whispered and he shook his head.
“No, Alexis! Don’t you get it?!” he asked on a yell, a growl, his green eyes dark, frantic, feral, and starving. For what, I didn’t have a clue. I had hoped it was for me, but the tension coursing through his body had me second guessing myself.
“Explain it to me,” I managed to say.
Ethan stepped into my space and I did everything I could not to run or falter. “This can’t happen. You and me can’t happen. Do you understand that? It was a mistake. You and I were a mistake. I’m not built for your life. For this…” His finger shifted back and forth between us to emphasize his point. “You deserve m
ore than I can ever give you. Don’t you understand? It’s because of me that you were hurt in the first fucking place. If I would have just…fuck!”
He started pacing, rambling about stuff I couldn’t make out. I wanted to reach out to him, to hold him, to tell him that everything would be okay, but I couldn’t move.
Seeing the struggle of power, of resolve play out had pain filling my chest. Maybe if I…
I stepped closer and decided I needed to intervene, especially when I heard him say how he was too damaged, to broken, that I didn’t deserve him. The hell with that. He was everything I deserved and more.
“Do you have any idea how I feel about you?” I asked, my voice uncontrollably soft and at first, I didn’t think he heard me. But when he stopped moving, stopped talking to himself and rested a hard, cold, emerald green gaze on me, I knew I had him.
I took in a much-needed breath. The way he was staring at me had my body trembling. The darkness that covered his features was alarming. I even stepped back a little, giving us both a little space. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but the power that radiated from him began stealing the oxygen from the room. I could barely take a breath.
What I couldn’t do was back down. I gathered as much strength I could and put everything I felt on the table. The rest would be up to him. Either he’d accept me or he wouldn’t.
“Ethan, I fell for you the moment I saw you. I didn’t know what it was at the time; we were only twelve, but I used to always feel that pull toward you. I knew when you were in the room before I even saw you. I felt you here.” I grabbed the front of my robe, right above my heart, for emphasis. “When you moved away, you took the better part of me. I was lost without you. You took my heart, my soul. And even though I never thought I would ever see you again, I never truly gave myself to anyone. Lionel never had my heart, and he wasn’t worthy of my soul. He could never measure up to you in real life or my dreams of you. God, Ethan, now that I have you, I don’t want to let go. Please don’t make me.”
“Fuck, Lex.” Ethan closed his eyes and breathed out. I took that time to move closer to him, digging deep inside for every bit of strength I could find.
“Please don’t reject me,” I begged shamelessly. “There is no one else made for me but you. If you don’t want me, I’ll…” I shook my head as tears pooled in my eyes. “Jesus, Ethan. I’ll fall without… you can’t…" I paused, unable to speak past the huge life-sized boulder in my throat. But before I could gather myself to speak again, Ethan was on me in two strides, a curse falling from his lips right before his fingers touched my own.
“Baby, don’t,” he whispered so softly I barely heard him. He rested his forehead against the top of my head and inhaled deeply. “You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re just—”
I pushed back from his hold, shaking my head. “No, I know exactly what I’m saying. Do you really think I was a mistake?”
“What? No! That’s not what—”
“Did you mean what you said to me? Did you really want me?” I asked, bracing myself for his answer.
“Yes, I told you, I meant every fucking word. But, baby this can’t—”
“Then I’ll wait for you,” I announced, tilting my chin up in defiance.
Ethan’s eyes widened. “Fuck, Alexis. No! Baby, you can’t. That’s not what... Shit!”
I stepped closer, narrowing my eyes at him. I could feel my pressure rising but there was no way I was letting him leave.
“You don’t understand, Ethan,” I admitted, my voice trembling with desperation and I didn’t care one freaking bit. I needed him to see. “I’m in love with you, don’t you see? There is no one else for me but you. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to see that. If that means waiting for you, I will. If it takes a lifetime I’ll wait. I’ll—”
Ethan cut me off with a growl and a kiss that had my toes curling, my breath robbed from my lungs, and my knees buckling from the sheer emotions running between us both.
“I’m yours… I’m yours…” I confessed over and over again as his lips ran along my jaw and down my neck. “Oh good god, take me, please…baby. I’m all yours.”
When his hands went to the tie in front of my robe and snatched it open, I breathed out a sigh. I had him, but unfortunately, I knew it wouldn’t be for long. For now, he was giving me what I wanted, what he knew I needed, and I would take it. I’d worry about what came next later.
Ethan’s lips were back on mine as his hands finally found my bare skin. They slid along my goose-pimpled skin, caressing my sides, moving to my back then down, down to the globes of my ass. He squeezed. I moaned.
He tore his lips from mine and stared down at me. I blinked up at him, still feeling the effects of the drunken haze of lust flowing through my veins.
We held each other with heated eyes, using the desire swimming in them to speak the words our mouths couldn’t. I shivered as his features darkened. I thought I would die right here if he didn’t touch me, take me, own me.
Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, he pushed my robe off my shoulders. It pooled at my feet and he stepped back slightly and drank me in slowly, deliciously slowly. His fingers fluttered along my clavicle, down between my breasts, tracing my scar. I wanted to shy away, to cover myself, but I didn’t. I would have if I’d seen pity or disgust in the way he looked at me. But that wasn’t what I saw. At first there was remorse, regret, but that soon disappeared the moment I started pulling on his belt buckle. I worked the stupid thing, trying to get it open. I growled when I felt him chuckle.
I glared up at him and he grinned down at me, his face softening, becoming playful. I knew he knew I was trying to get his mind off of what happened to me, and I hoped by the way he was now looking at me, I was successful.
“On the bed, Lexis,” he ordered, his voice husky and low. “Your legs open for me. I want to see your pretty pussy.”
I tried not to smile or jump for joy. Instead, I did as ordered, thankful I had trimmed and shaved all of the necessary spots while I was in the shower minutes ago. It wasn’t like I would’ve stopped to take care of it. I just hoped he wouldn’t have cared.
I crawled on the bed, purposefully giving him an eye full of my ass before I laid on my back and rested my head on the fluffy pillows. I watched him watch me, a predatory look shrouding his dark features. My body hummed with desire, and my pussy throbbed with expectation of him filling me with his long, hard, thick shaft.
I squirmed at that thought as I watched him pull his shirt up and over his head. My eyes raked along his marred tan skin in awe at the hard lines, angles, muscles, and scars that covered his entire torso. Goodness, he was ripped. His eight-pack abs flexing as he worked to remove his belt from his pants. I tried not to concentrate on the many scars I saw, bullet wounds and probably stab wounds I had ignored the first time I saw him naked. His scars were a part of him, and if I wanted him, I would have to accept him fully. And I did, one hundred percent.
Ethan unsnapped his jeans, unzipped, and let his pants dropped to his ankles. He was left with a pair of dark colored boxer briefs that left nothing to the imagination.
My mouth went dry as I followed the lengthening, thickening bulge lying against his thick thigh. I sat up on my elbows wondering if it had been that big a few months ago. I wanted to touch it, I wanted to feel it as I wrapped my lips around the shaft, licking and tasting him. I licked my lips hungrily, waiting for him to…
Good god!
My eyes followed his dick as it bobbed free from his briefs. Ethan fisted himself and stroked once, twice. I moaned, feeling my pussy clench and throb, wetness pooling between my legs.
“Open wider, let me see. Yeah… like that. Touch yourself. Tell me how wet you are for me.”
Just hearing him speak was undoing me. I leaned back, and dramatically slid two fingers down my stomach, past my folds and straight into my soaking wet sex. I bit my bottom lip and tried not to pass out from the sensations crawling along my body.
“Are you
wet for me?”
I nodded as I pushed my fingers in and out of my sex.
“Yeah? let me see.”
I held up my two glistening fingers for his perusal.
“Damn baby, I can see your fingers glistening from here. Push your fingers back inside your pussy, gather your wetness, and touch everywhere you want my mouth to go. Make sure you get those fingers nice and soaked. I want to taste you everywhere. Show me.”
I thrust my fingers inside, doing my best not to come because fuck, it was building. It was his voice, the deep, rich baritone sound that seemed to ignite a fire all over my body.
When my fingers were nice and wet, I ran them along my thighs, my clit. I captured more juices and touched my nipples, my lips, my neck. Before I could dive back inside my pussy for more, his fingers wrapped tightly around my wrist. He brought my hand to his mouth and sucked each finger into his warm mouth. My mouth fell open, unable to take the sensations running through me. I squirmed on the bed, circling my hips needing more, wanting more.
“Ethan, please,” I cried out, pained, aching and seeking.
“Please what?” he challenged, hovering over me. “What do you want?”
“You,” I answered on a breath. I reached up and caressed his shoulders, his chest. I ran my hands down his biceps, down his back. He closed his eyes and a sense of calm and contentment covered his face. “Kiss me,” I whispered to him and he opened his eyes and sent a half grin my way.
“With pleasure.”
Ethan traced my lips with his tongue before he devoured my mouth. He kissed me hungrily, desperately, as if I was his last meal. Just when I couldn’t take anymore, he released my bruised lips and kissed, licked, and sucked every place I touched with my fingers.
When he got to my nipples, I was panting. I gripped his hair tight as he sucked on one taut nipple while pinching and rubbing the other one.
“Oh, Ethan, shit yes… fuck that feels…” I arched into him, moving my legs from side to side, trying not to clench him between them. I could feel the pressure building in my belly. My body started to tense up and fuck, I was going to come.