Brogan watched as Quinn and Heaven smiled at each other. It was so obvious that they were in love and that was what Brogan wanted and nothing less.
“If it’s fine with the rest of you, Ciara and Orla would like to stay here for a while. I’d take them to my place, but you were right, it wouldn’t look respectable.”
Teagan smiled at him as though Brogan had just won some prize. “Of course, they can stay. We were hoping they’d stay before they left the first time. We have more than enough room, and they are both welcome.”
Tears ran down Ciara’s face, and she dabbed at them with her napkin. “Thank you,” she croaked out.
It tore at Brogan to see her cry. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her everything would be fine, but he didn’t have the right.
“I’m sorry I’m crying at the table. It’s all been so overwhelming, and your kindness went right to my heart.”
“No need to apologize,” Gemma said with a smile. “It happens to all of us.”
Dolly began to clear the table, and Gemma and Heaven both jumped up to help. “You girls sit down. Ciara could you help me in the kitchen for a moment please?”
Ciara was slow in getting up, and she groaned. “Dolly, I’d be more than happy to help you.”
As soon as Ciara and Dolly were in the kitchen, everyone exchanged surprised expressions.
“She probably just wants to make sure Ciara is fine,” Sullivan said.
Donnell nodded his head in agreement.
Yes… that must be it. Brogan sat back and relaxed. Ciara was tough, and she was fine—a little shook up but fine. He’d have to make a plan for him and a couple of his brothers to go get the wagon. He would bet Ciara and Orla didn’t even have a change of clothes with them.
“Do you think Dolly is mad at Ciara?” Orla whispered.
“I don’t think so. It takes a lot to get Dolly mad,” Donnell whispered back.
Orla nodded slowly as if she was taking in Donnell’s words and thinking about them. “Brogan will you tell the horses I said hello and I’ll be visiting? I don’t want them to forget me. Or… I could come over there and talk to the horses myself. I’d have to bring Ciara along. Would that be a problem?”
Brogan grinned. “I don’t see a problem with that at all.”
He waited for Ciara to come back out of the kitchen. He wanted to know what Dolly said, but Ciara didn’t tell him. However, he was enlisted to help carry water for Ciara and Orla to bathe in.
It was harder than he thought it would be to say good night and then leave. He wished he had his old room back, but those days were past. Now he was a man with a ranch to run.
Chapter Thirteen
The next day Ciara sat on the front porch drinking coffee and watching the sun come up. It was a spectacular site with all the oranges, yellows, pinks, and purples sweeping across the horizon. Her thighs still hurt from riding the horse, but she’d be fine in a day or two, and she was determined to pull her weight. Dolly liked the idea of her baking pies, but she’d have to make them over at Brogan’s because the oven here seemed to always be in use. It was perfectly understandable. Brogan would work anyway, so it wouldn’t be as if they’d run into each other all the time.
It had been stupid for her to leave when the weather was so cold. She had put Orla in grave danger, and for that she couldn’t forgive herself. She knew now she had just expected too much of Brogan. He might not even have it in him to love. He’d never shown love before to any woman, at least as far as Dolly knew. The conversation she’d had with Dolly in the kitchen had been nice and also illuminating. There was no reason to wear her heart out on Brogan.
Dolly had suggested she let Brogan lead things if he would. He was interested, and Dolly could see he cared, but she didn’t want Ciara to get hurt. Not a lot of sleep had happened last night, as Ciara’s mind had refused to stop whirling with her thoughts. Dolly was right, but what she didn’t know was that it was too late. Ciara already loved Brogan.
But she could bake pies at Brogan’s house. She wouldn’t have to see him every day, and if he came over, she could be occupied with something somewhere else. She’d tell Orla she would be allowed to go to Brogan’s without her. They both trusted Brogan. She heard the others get up from the table and go out the back door to start their day. Gingerly, she stood and slowly walked toward the kitchen to help clean up.
There weren’t as many at the table that morning. Quinn had a house of his own, and about half the brothers ate at the bunkhouse because it was quicker. Orla had smiled throughout breakfast; she must enjoy their company. They were very nice men, but to her one was missing and she’d have to get used to it.
She was just about to ask Dolly what else needed to be done when she heard a wagon pull up, and a peek through the kitchen window revealed that it was her wagon. Someone must have gotten up early to get it fixed. She stepped outside, and her heart bounded with joy when she saw that it was Brogan.
“How’d you get the wagon here so fast?”
Brogan tied up the reins and climbed down. He smiled at her as he walked up the steps. “I couldn’t sleep, so Prince and I along with your two horses went down the road, and there was your wagon. I fixed the wheel hitched up the horses and here we are. I figured you can use your clothes.”
“Your hard work is much appreciated. I was just about to ask Dolly what I should do today, but I see now I’ll be busy unpacking the wagon.”
“I could stay and help if you like.”
“No. No you have enough to do it your own ranch. If I can’t lift something, your brothers are all here. I won’t try to do more than I can. Would you like a cup of coffee before you leave?”
His eyes brightened for a moment, but he shook his head. “You’re right, I need to get back. Tell Orla I asked about her. Have a good day.” He untied Prince from the back of the wagon, mounted the horse, and set off.
Ciara rubbed the back of her neck trying to make some sense of their exchange. It appeared they were both of the same mind. They shouldn’t get involved. Her heart dropped, but she knew it was for the best. At least she had gotten to see him today.
* * *
A week later, Brogan was wrestling with the same fence that he had just fixed. He thought he had done a good job on it last time, but the boards were all loose again. He was growing tired of being by himself. He missed his conversations with Ciara. Was she doing well over at the Kavanagh ranch? Did she even miss him? He took off his hat and slapped it against his thigh. It was worse to know she was near and they never saw each other.
He didn’t need anyone, right? After all, he was a loner. Being a loner wasn’t much fun, though, when there was no hate to feed on. He wondered what God would think of all this. He would be glad about the forgiveness. But what about the thoughts Brogan was having of holding Ciara in his arms? He didn’t know.
He was already on his knees he might as well pray.
Dear Lord, I’m not even sure what I want to say. I mean You already know everything. I need some help. I need Your help. How do I learn to trust someone completely? I’ve forgiven my brothers and I have forgiven my parents, but how do I know that Ciara would never lie to me or betray me? She hasn’t yet, but I feel like I’m waiting to catch her in a lie so I can be happy and say I knew it and walk away from it all. That would be a big mistake, wouldn’t it? Help me see my path. Help me change and learn how to trust. Thank You.
Just saying it aloud made him realize that it wouldn’t only be a mistake, it would ruin his life. He had to make sure she stayed. It was time to visit the Kavanagh ranch and remind Ciara about the pies. Hopefully, that would work.
He rode Prince to the Kavanagh house, and as he passed the barn, he thought he heard Ciara’s voice. Orla’s voice would’ve been expected but not Ciara’s. He climbed down, patted Prince on his neck, and pretended to be strolling toward the barn.
He walked in, and no one was in sight. But Ciara’s voice could be heard again. Continuin
g to the end of the barn, he opened the stall and stared.
“What are you doing? We hire people to do that. Did someone tell you this was your job now?” He gritted his teeth. There she stood in an old dress with a shovel in her hand.
“What? Oh this. I volunteered because I had nothing else to do and I like to keep busy. I’ve mucked out plenty of stalls in my life. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean that I can’t do anything on this ranch.” Her eyes burned bright and then dulled.
“Come, take a break with me, and I’ll show you the stream.” He held out his hand to her and when she put hers in it, he felt something he had never felt before. It went much deeper than just wanting to hold her. He wanted to know all about her. He wanted to be her best friend. He could tell by how her eyes widened that she felt something too.
They left the barn holding hands and walked across the meadow until they got to the creek. It was his favorite place, the place he went when he needed to think. The bubbling of the water flowing down over rocks, combined with the rustle of the leaves blowing in the wind, soothed him. He’d hear an occasional bird or crickets, but otherwise it was very peaceful. He led her to a large rock that was flat then lifted her up so she could sit on it. Quickly, he scurried up next to her.
“You never told me about the wagon train and why you didn’t go with them after your parents died.”
She was silent for a moment, and then she turned to him. “Orla and I took the time to bury our parents. So many people were sick, but the train had to keep going. It couldn’t stop for anyone. I guess we stayed longer than I thought because we traveled the whole day and never saw the wagon train again. Orla and I were heartsick, and we decided to turn around and go back to what we knew instead of moving on ahead alone.”
A frown creased his forehead. “They didn’t send any scouts to look for you?”
“They talked a great deal about how we were leaving so late in the season, but everyone was willing to take the chance. So they just left us behind. They told us they wouldn’t have time to come back and search for us. I didn’t expect them to.”
He took her hands into his again, and this time he kissed the backs of both. “I’m sorrier than I can say. I don’t know how you did it. With the sorrow from losing your parents, and the belief that you were alone… plus you had Orla to take care of. That’s a lot. I don’t even think you know how strong you are. I admire your strength and determination because it’s mixed with much kindness.” He gazed into the distance for a moment, then sought her eyes again. “I have a confession to make. I’ve been trying to come up with ideas about how to get you over to my place so we could talk and I could see you again.”
She chuckled. “And tell me what excuse you decided on?”
He grinned, cautiously thrilled at her response. “I decided to go with the pies needed to be made. And if that didn’t work, I was going to tell Orla the horses needed her and you. I know Orla would have come along and dragged you with her.”
“I was going to use the pie excuse. I told myself that you’d be busy and I wouldn’t be a bother. I decided I probably wouldn’t even see you, but it would have been worth it if I had just glimpsed you. You became part of my life, and I missed you. Leaving your place was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it seemed to be the right decision.”
“I know you’re Christian, but do you believe? Do you really believe?” he asked. “I’ve been praying a lot lately for God to show me my path. It’s taken a lot of faith to believe that there is even a path for me. But having faith has filled my heart in a different way. It makes me want to throw out the bitterness and let all the good things in. I don’t know if I’m explaining it very well, but before this I had decided to stay away from you. I was convinced that you would either lie to me or betray me because that was what I was used to. And I knew I couldn’t go through it again. But you’re neither a liar nor a betrayer. You’re full of kindness and generosity, and it opened my eyes to what I might miss if I let you go.” He glanced away, not wanting to see her face. He’d been too open, too honest, too vulnerable.
A shudder rippled through her. “I’ve been telling myself to avoid you at all costs, because you will tear my heart out. You had love inside of you, but you had too much bitterness to let it out. I was elated when you said that you had forgiven your brothers and your parents, and I hoped to see another side of you, but I didn’t see much of you after that. Dolly said I’d wear out my heart on you, and I knew she was right. I had told myself the same thing. I wanted to be near you, but it was so hard being near you and not being able to see you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before, and I’ve been wishing my mother was still alive so I could ask her if this is what love feels like.” She drew a deep breath. “It also scared me, and that’s why I packed the wagon and left. But you have to know I’m a package deal. It’s not just me, it’s Orla too. If you can’t accept Orla as a constant in our life, then we must say goodbye here and now.” Her brow furrowed as if she was waiting for him to say no to Orla.
He shook his head, bemused. “I’ve known from the beginning that you were a package deal. It’s fine for Orla to live with us for the rest of her life. She’s gifted with animals, and she has a sweet and kind nature.” A chuckle slipped out. “Plus I think my horses miss her.”
Ciara’s soft laughter made his skin tingle.
“I want to tell you everything about me,” he went on. “My father and Gemma’s mother had an affair, and the result was me. Mr. Maguire wasn’t about to raise me, so as soon as I was born he dropped me off here at the ranch. The woman I knew as my mother couldn’t stand the sight of me, though I grew up never understanding why. I was never good enough, and I received no hugs from her. The worst was I could see her affection for my brothers. My father didn’t bother with me much. I swear I worked harder and longer than anyone, yet I couldn’t win his approval. I found out the truth about six months ago, and I couldn’t stay. To top it off, my father left the ranch to Teagan. It was Teagan who explained later that it was so the ranch wouldn’t get divided up or parts sold off. But it all overwhelmed me and fed into my feelings of being unwanted and unlovable. I became a classic loner.” A smile tugged at his lips, and he let it form. “But you changed everything for me. You opened my heart, and even though I didn’t want to feel anything, I was able to let most of my anger out. I feel more at peace now. I prayed on it too. I never thought any woman would take a second look at me.”
He shifted until their gazes met. “You did. I still can’t believe I let you go. I never wanted you to leave. It was as if my heart was doing somersaults when I was near you. And I was afraid of my feelings at first, but now I welcome them. God helped me to open my heart. I think you are beautiful and brave and the best sister to Orla that she could ever have. I admire so much about you, and I’m taking a big chance here telling you this… but I love you.”
So many expressions crossed her face, and his gut began to hurt. “We should head back.” His good mood faded, and he couldn’t even summon the smallest smile for her. He slid off the rock and lifted her down. When he started to pull away, Ciara wrapped her arms around his neck.
“I love you too,” she whispered. Her smile grew and her voice strengthened. “I have for a while now, and I’m so glad your heart was unburdened and you have room in it for me. I tried not to love you for Orla’s sake. But I know you care for her too. You are the handsomest, smartest man I know. You work hard, and I see how you gaze at the children. You’ll make a good father. I want to be with you every day.”
He gave her a quick kiss and grasped her hand, leading her back to the house.
Chapter Fourteen
Their carefree moment had passed and now doubts filled her. Shortly after they’d professed their love for one another, Brogan had left with no explanation. Ciara’s heart physically hurt, and she didn’t want anyone to know. Had she scared him off by telling him she wanted to spend every day with him?
For th
e last three days, Orla had begged to go see the horses, and Ciara was at the very end of her rope. Everyone had stared at her at one time or another, and she only wanted to be alone. She needed to lick her wounds and make a plan for her and Orla.
Watching the huge snowflakes fall saddened her. They wouldn’t be able to leave until spring. Snow or not, it was still too cold at night. Nothing would ever come of her pie business. It was as though one by one she’d had to let her dreams go until they were all gone. Maybe it was for the best. Dreams only caused her grief. She had responsibilities, and that would be her life now. She’d dreamed of children too. Shaking her head, she grabbed a cloth and began to dust.
Too bad dusting didn’t take much thought. She put the cloth down and went up to the room she shared with Orla while her sister was in the barn brushing horses. Ciara lay across the bed and wept into her pillow. She just didn’t understand.
Are you there God? Of course You are. Forgive me for even asking. Thank You for opening Brogan’s heart. I bet it’s made a big difference in his life. Thank You for giving Orla and me a warm place to be. She has such a gift with animals. But I’m at a loss. I’ve tried so hard to be a good woman, and I’ve tried even harder to be a good sister and an example for Orla. I suppose that’s my calling, to keep Orla safe.
She was far better off than most, and here she was crying. She just needed to buck up and forget about Brogan—or any man for that matter. She got off the bed and washed her face. She still looked as though she’d been crying, but there was no help for it.
Ciara wandered downstairs. The dusting had all been done. She followed the voices in the kitchen and came upon Dolly and Gemma. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to shirk any of the work.”
Brogan: Cowboy Pride: The Kavanagh Brothers Book Three Page 8