Salt

by David Chambers

  Every morning he’d send her a ‘good morning’ message and say how ‘he couldn’t wait to speak to her again.’ She would walk to school with butterflies in her tummy and over time she started to consider him her boyfriend.

  Then one evening she mentioned to Yunghunk19 that she had told her friends about him. He had exploded at her for mentioning him to anyone. He said she had betrayed him and he couldn’t trust her at all now. She cried and he kept telling her that he had feelings for her but had to go now because she had let him down. He told her that she had to tell him a secret now so she admitted to him that she wasn’t nineteen but lied again and said she was sixteen, he told her he was a little older than nineteen but that didn’t matter because he couldn’t trust her.

  He kept talking, making her feel guilty and then he asked her if she wanted him to go, she said no and that she loved him. She hated admitting it now but then she felt like she loved him. He told her that if she loved him she would turn on her webcam.

  She did and then he made her undress, she explained how she hadn’t wanted to but was confused. She was flattered that someone was paying attention to her and she didn’t want to upset him but at the same time she was shy and nervous. In the end Emma explained how she just switched off her mind and went along with everything he said. She found she could enjoy the pleasurable side of things without feeling guilty because she was just doing as she was told. The first time she felt a little guilty afterwards but then she woke up and he had sent a message telling her how glad he was that he could trust her and how beautiful she was. She smiled and the guilt faded to be replaced by a new feeling of being wanted.

  They spoke every day for a couple of months and she went on her webcam most evenings. It soon stopped feeling odd and she found herself enjoying it most of the time and when she didn’t want to he managed to make her feel guilty until she did it.

  Then one night, late at a weekend he told her that he wanted to meet her. She was scared and said she wasn’t ready, she wanted to meet him too but she needed a little longer to get used to it. He said he understood and that it was ok if she didn’t find him attractive. She told him she did find him attractive but was a virgin and wasn’t ready to go further yet. She said she wanted to but just not yet. He said he understood and that he would wait for her to be ready.

  They spoke as usual for a few more days and then he vanished. She thought he might be ill or busy which is why he had missed his ‘good morning’ message but then there wasn’t one on the second day either. She messaged him to see if he was ok but he didn’t reply. She remembered being a child about it and messaging him over and over saying she missed him and for him to just tell her he was ok. She felt terrible while he was gone and hoped she hadn’t upset him.

  It was almost a week when she got a message from him apologising for vanishing. He said that he loved her and couldn’t show it properly without meeting her but it was wrong because she was a virgin and wasn’t ready for things to become serious. He understood that she didn’t want to lose her virginity to someone like him. He made her forget that he had vanished and she felt guilty for saying she wouldn’t meet him. She cried and begged him not to go but he kept saying that she just wasn’t ready for a proper grown up relationship which made her feel worse and childish. Finally, she agreed to meet him but she couldn’t have sex the first time they met. She said she would but just not the first time. He said it was ok and that they could try it and see how things progressed. He told her that he wanted to meet on Saturday and that she should get a train to Coventry. He would pick her up from the station and then they would do something fun. He told her to tell her parents she was visiting a friend and would stay over the night and then she could stop in his spare room. She made him promise that they wouldn’t have sex and then she agreed to meet him.

  For the rest of the week she was a mixture of nervous excitement and pure fear. She wanted to look good for her first meeting with him so she went shopping at Next straight after school on Friday. She got the bus into town and bought a new dress, shoes and her first grown up sexy underwear. The dress was black and tight and showed off more of her cleavage than she had ever shown off before. It was always kept covered and none of the boys at school noticed she had a chest, a lot thought she was just chubbier than she was. She bought heels as high as she was able to walk in. They weren’t anything like she wears now but at the time she struggled to walk and she spent all night practicing in her room. The hardest thing to buy was the underwear. She could still remember the paranoia buying it. She felt like everyone was watching her and she kept expecting someone to come over and ask what she was buying sexy underwear for at her age and then she imagined them telling her mum and dad. She walked around the shop a few times pretending to browse and then when it was quiet she grabbed the set she had been pretending not to look at. She went straight to the till, bought it and got the bus home.

  Saturday came and she woke up early, she didn’t remember when but it was really early. She woke up instantly like someone flicked a switch in her head and she couldn’t get back to sleep no matter how hard she tried, her stomach churned and she felt light headed. She went through her usual morning routine but spent more time in the shower than usual and then got dressed in her casual clothes. She packed the new clothes from Next into her bag and told her parents she was off to her friends to study and would be spending the night.

  She got the bus from the end of her street into town and walked to the station. It was still quiet, during the week it would have been busy but everyone was enjoying their Saturday lie in. She bought herself a Coke at the station and sat to drink it. She felt grown up as if she was a woman on her way to spend the weekend with her boyfriend.

  When it got closer to the time of her train she went into the toilet and changed into the new clothes. It was difficult in the cubicle but she managed it and put the normal clothes in the bag. She put her make up on in the mirror and caught the train.

  The train took an hour and she spent the whole journey feeling that everyone was looking at her especially the men who seemed to notice her a lot more than they usually did. She arrived in Coventry and followed the other people who seemed to know where they were going, she stepped outside and stopped. Her feeling of safety ended at the doors. Outside was the real world. Taxis circled, battling for fares. A homeless guy sat against the wall with an old coffee cup in front of him, she had never seen a homeless person before and stood looking at him until he turned and looked back. He smiled, reminding her she was alone in a strange place, she felt vulnerable and then she heard a voice calling her.

  She turned and there he was, Yunghunk19 but now he looking more like Averageguy29. She thought about getting back on the train but then he was right beside her. He was much smaller than she imagined. Short and skinny with a podgy face and dark, deep set eyes. He spoke to her and told her how she looked much older than sixteen. He smiled and took her arm. He walked fast and kept his head down as he almost dragged her to his car. She struggled to keep up in her new shoes but she went with him.

  It was a big car, a four-wheel drive, a Land Rover or BMW. She couldn’t remember many details but it was black with blacked out windows. He opened the door and ushered her in and then closed the door behind her. The seats were black leather and it felt nice inside but when he closed the door there was an overwhelming smell of aftershave. It was strong, sickly and cheap and when he got into the driver seat it grew stronger. He told her to fasten her seatbelt as he started the engine, the central locking clunked and he pulled away.

  She started to speak, to tell him that she was nervous but he turned the radio up and told her to just relax and listen to the music. They drove for half an hour along a dual carriageway with bridges and through housing estates. The only thing that stood out to her was a fire station.

  He drove as if he wasn’t sure where he was, he stopped at each junction looking around like he needed to see a sign. Then he seemed to settle on a straight road which to
ok them out into the countryside. He drove on, she felt like they had doubled back on themselves and entered a built-up area again. They drove through council houses until he pulled into a gravel area with lock up garages on either side. He pulled up in front of a faded green door and got out. He walked to her side of the car. He opened it and she got out. She started to tell him that she was scared but he told her not to worry and that he had some food and wine inside. She walked into the hallway when he opened the door.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Inside the house was dark and smelled of strong cooking. An old, ingrained smell of garlic and onions. She remembered the smells most of all, how the strong garlic mixed with his sickly aftershave to make her feel dizzy and sick. He sat her on the sofa and brought two glasses and a cheap bottle of white wine from the fridge. She said she hadn’t drank before, he smiled and told her she looked old enough and to try it. She said yes and he poured her a glass full. He then took her bag into another room and left her with the wine. He seemed to be gone ages. With her nerves and the time waiting she’d drank the glass by the time he returned. She felt warm and giggly but he just smiled and poured her another drink. She said she didn’t think she should but then he insisted and so she drank. She hadn’t noticed at the time but when she looked back she realised that he hadn’t been drinking and she’d drunk half a bottle to herself before she felt any effect.

  She asked him what they were eating and he told her that it was a surprise but he needed to show her something first. She asked what it was but he said it was a secret upstairs. She said she wasn’t sure about going upstairs but he told her it was ok and pulled her by the hand. He walked behind her on the steps pushing her and when she got to the landing pushed her towards a door. She resisted but he kept pushing and the wine had ruined her sense of balance.

  He shoved her inside and she saw it was a bedroom, it was almost bear with nothing in it but a bed with tatty bedding. She looked around and noticed two picture frames face down, she looked around naively wanting to know what the surprise was. She turned and asked him but before she could get the words out he grabbed her shoulders and kissed her. She didn’t know what to do but his tongue forced its way inside her mouth. She tried to push him away but he was too strong, he had her pinned against him, his hand gripping her hair. She could still remember the smell of his aftershave, made worse by the wine and then his taste. He tasted like cigarettes and mints. She was nearly sick and even now she couldn’t kiss a smoker.

  Then he pushed her onto the bed and dropped on top of her. She could finally speak and told him to stop, that she wasn’t ready and felt sick. When she saw his face, he had changed. It was as if he had the eyes of a shark, just dead black circles. There was no passion or humanity, just cold determination and hatred. She felt him pull her dress up to her waist. She tried to push his hand down but he grabbed her throat and squeezed. She gripped his wrist as he forced himself between her thighs. He loosened his grip on her throat enough to let her breathe and she tried to plead with him but he just told her that it was happening and to enjoy it, this was what grownups did. She told him she was only fourteen but he just smiled and said something about her being old enough to bleed.

  Then she felt him and cried out but this only made his eyes more determined. She can still remember them like camera lenses, seeing but devoid of emotion.

  She couldn’t remember how long it lasted but when it was finished she hurt. He climbed off but before he did he kissed her again. He stood and left the room. She pulled her dress down as best as she could and tried to cover her breasts with the now ripped fabric. She hurt everywhere and she felt like she’d wet herself.

  She was numb and unsure what had happened but she remembered crying, not sobbing or screaming, just her eyes leaking water.

  Then he came back in smiling, he was back to happy and spoke to her like nothing had happened. He told her that she was beautiful and amazing in bed, he told her that he thought he loved her. She told him that it hurt and he told her that it always did the first time and she needed a shower. She said she didn’t want one but he just repeated himself and she felt unable to say no.

  He took her to the bathroom, the shower was already running. He stripped her off and told her there was no need to be shy now. She was naked and felt ashamed but he put her in the water and worked it all over her. The water felt good but then he made her open her legs and it stung, she tried to stop him but he told her that it was normal and part of being a woman. He had her stand with her back to him and hands on the wall while he washed her like an animal.

  She didn’t know how long it took but she remembers her crying turning to sobbing, the pain and shame of feeling his hands on her body. She opened her eyes and the bottom of the shower swirled red. At the time she didn’t know why but later she understood.

  He gave her a towel and told her to dry and dress herself. She opened her bag to check for her phone but couldn’t find it. She started to look around but then he came back in and asked what was wrong. She told him nothing and he lead her into the living room.

  He ordered a pizza and pushed the wine towards her while they waited. She remembers now that he didn’t speak to her at all. When the pizza arrived, it was no different. He just pushed it towards her.

  It was getting dark and she told him she needed to leave but he said her parents weren’t expecting her until tomorrow so she would be safer with him Her parents probably had plans anyway. She didn’t know what to say so just agreed. He promised to take her to the station in the morning as planned. She didn’t resist, she felt completely numb everywhere, everywhere except where it hurt.

  When he finished eating he decided it was bed time and led her back into the bedroom.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  She didn’t try to fight, just told him she was sore and that it hurt too much for more. He told her she needed to get used to it. She started to cry and he said that he would let her off but she had to do something else for him. She said she would do anything. He smiled and took her back into the bare room. The sheets were red where it happened and she winced at the memory.

  He stripped off and got into bed, she just stood there facing the wall. He told her to strip off for him, nice and slow. She didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to take off the protection of her clothes but he insisted and gave her no choice. She stripped while he watched her. She hurt from before but this new pain was worse, it was like being a slave at market and she couldn’t take her chin from her chest.

  Then he told her to climb in and she did, glad to be under cover again. He kept the light on and threw back the quilt covering him, she could see he was hard again. I was the first real erection she had seen and it looked horrible, twisted and knotty like an old branch. She looked away but he grabbed her face and told her not to be shy.

  He told her to suck him. She tried to explain she didn’t know how but he told her not to worry, he would teach her. She told him no, she didn’t want to but he said that if she didn’t suck him then he would have to fuck her again. She couldn’t take that again so she did as he told her. She started, not really knowing what to do, just trying to get it over with.

  She remembers his smell and the feeling, his taste. She felt revolted and didn’t know what to do. Then he grabbed her hair hard and pushed her head down. He called her a bitch and laughed when she gagged. Her eyes flooded with tears and then she was unable to breathe again until her mouth flooded with an even worse taste.

  Then he covered them up and lay with her wrapped in his arms. She couldn’t move and he went to sleep squeezing her against him. She couldn’t sleep and remembered laying there with him snoring and farting all night. She thought about getting away but she didn’t know where she was and didn’t have her phone. Then she remembered her phone, all the messages and pictures she had sent him. Nobody would believe she’d said no and everyone would think she was a slut so she stayed there, silently lay against him until morning. Until he woke and gave her a choice
again, she still hurt too much for one so she took the only other option.

  When he finished she went to the toilet and vomited, she remembered there not being much sick but she tried to empty herself of him completely. Then he came in and showered her again.

  He dressed her and drove her to the station, he didn’t even get out of the car this time. He just nodded for her to get out and she did. As she climbed out of the car he gave her the phone and told her she had dropped it. She walked as best as she could to the platform and then went into the toilet where she sat down and cried. She cried for what seemed like hours until there was nothing left to cry, until a little voice in side her told her to get up and get her shit together.

  She washed her face in the sink and tried to make herself look respectable and then went home. Her dad picked her up and asked if she’d a good time. She lied and said she had an amazing time but was really tired and needed a shower. She got home and showered again trying to ignore the stinging. She went into her room and didn’t leave until her parents called her the next day.

  She stopped talking, Dan held her. He wanted to say something but didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Dan?’ she turned her head to look at him.

  ‘Yes, sorry babe.’ He squeezed her giving himself a moment to think. ‘That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard, I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s ok, it is what it is. Do you want me to go?’ Emma asked.

  ‘What? No of course I don’t want you to go. Why would you say that?’ Dan said.

  ‘Because it’s horrible, you must hate me now. Its ok, you can be honest.’

  ‘I don’t hate you at all, I just need to think. I hate him.’ He turned towards her and kissed her on the forehead. ‘I want you to stay, I really do.’ Dan said.

  ‘Ok.’ She wriggled into him, burrowing like a kitten.