He held her close. He wanted to speak to her, he wanted to tell her that everything would be ok. He wanted to say something amazing that would make all the pain and tears go away, like a bad dream that faded when you woke and then disappeared when you went to sleep again. He didn’t know what to say because this was a nightmare she wouldn’t wake from, it would fade in time but it would always be there every time she woke. Dan had no idea what to say so he just held her tight against him. She felt smaller than before. She felt fragile and he knew that he would never let this happen to her again.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Three little words. That’s all she wanted to hear. A simple phrase to make her feel wanted and tell her she wasn’t being silly. Loving someone who didn’t love you was terrible, everyone knew that, everyone had felt that rejection. Few people gave thought to how it feels to love someone and not know how they feel about you. She sat on her sofa, the gas fire flickered in the dark room. An open bottle of red wine stood beside her as she watched the flames dance. She loved him and had for a while. She hoped he loved her but didn’t know. There was just no way to slay the dragon of insecurity without knowing how he felt. No guy wants a crank who comes out with that question. ‘Do you love me?’ It’s a relationship killer. If he says ‘yes’, can you really believe it’s not just a response to being put on the spot. If he says ‘no’, well then that’s game over.
She had never felt this connection with anyone before. She’d felt heart break and everyone ‘loves’ someone until they know what love really is. This was love and she knew it but right now loneliness was all she felt. She could call, he would answer and she would feel better for a while but as soon as the call ended, the same ache of creeping despair would begin.
The loneliness and isolation from not hearing him say it pressed down on her. There were moments in her days where distraction put the thought out of her mind temporarily but they would always return. Whenever she sat down and her mind wandered the thoughts surged back. She had friends and family, people who loved her and would do anything to make her feel better but it wasn’t the same and never would be. She took them for granted, she knew that but everyone did. The people who have always been there will almost always be there. That’s why grief hurt so much, it was the loss of certainty as much as the loss of the person.
Her mind now swarmed with uncertainty. Small wasps of doubt, stinging her with negativity. He was using her, he liked her but that was it, he didn’t want her really, one morning would be the last morning they woke together, the next text would be THE text. The buzzing in her head kept her awake at night as she lay there with sting after sting hurting her being.
Only he could take her loneliness away. The wasps flew back to their nest scared of him. For the first time in her life she didn’t feel lonely but then he would go and they would come out again. Tiny wasps ruining her perfect picnic.
There was something about the way he held her. She had been with guys before. She had felt small and vulnerable and she had felt safe and comfortable. He was the only person whose arms made her feel everything. Lay naked with him was the only time she felt truly naked. Her body and soul stripped bare before him. When he held her, she felt like he was blind to her insecurities and faults. He saw her in a way nobody else saw her and it felt good. He held her like a father would hold a child. Caring, protective and with complete acceptance. She loved it and she loved him for it. Then there were the times where he changed. When he no longer held her like a child. He held her like a woman, a woman he needed to have.
Some of her friends complained to her about how their boyfriends would wake them in the morning or come in from work almost demanding sex. She never understood it. She wanted sex with Dan and what woman doesn’t want to feel desired? Nobody had fucked her like he had. There was a mix of tender and rough in every touch that lit her from inside. She felt wanted and needed but never used. Her first experience had taught her what a man who wants you can feel like, a man who wants you but hates you. For years afterwards, she had dealt with boyfriends either too scared to show their wants or too selfish to care for hers. He was different. His needs were clear and he made no attempt to hide them but he always took care of hers.
It felt as though he could read her mind. There were times when she needed gentleness and he gave it. There were times when she needed more and he always gave her more.
She loved him. She ached to tell him so. She wanted him to hear how she felt and how he made her feel. To tell him would strip her down completely. She would be exposed and vulnerable unless he responded with those three words. Whenever her mind pictured him telling her, the wasps would return. She knew really that he didn’t love her, he liked her but he was just having fun. She was a side-line to his business and no guy who lives in hotels and a boat would ever want someone used and dirty like her.
She took another sip of wine, the warmth sliding down her throat. Tonight, she would finish the bottle. After that she would sleep, the wasps quietened by the alcohol. The morning routine would keep her mind busy so the pain would be pushed aside but it would return. It always did.
She wanted to hear him say it but she needed to know. If he didn’t she could accept it and try to make the most of the time they had together. She would take whatever he offered because without him, there was nothing to keep the wasps at bay. Nothing to stop the stinging.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
She wiggled her shoulder under his arm, his body was warm against her. Warm and strong. He was firm where she was soft and made her feel small but never afraid. She knew now, this was it. He was the one but he would leave her soon. His strength and warmth would be gone. He would move onto a girl who deserved him, a girl with a better body and a cleaner history. It would be a girl, not a virgin, they didn’t really exist beyond teenagers but girls without her history did. She would find someone else, settle for someone in the future but there would be nobody like him, nobody good would want a girl like her. She wished she hadn’t told him or had maybe left it longer, but she knew time just made it worse.
‘Is this just sex?’ she asked.
‘What?’
‘Is this just sex? Me and you. This. Is it just sex?’
‘To be honest I thought we were just snuggling but I guess I could be persuaded.’ He said squeezing her.
She sat upright and turned to face him. She looked at him, into his eyes. ‘I’m serious. Is this just sex or not? Its ok if it is but I need to know.’
‘Ok. Why do you keep asking me this?’ He said.
‘I just want to know where I stand before I get too attached.’ Emma said.
‘Well I haven’t really thought about it to be honest, I enjoy being with you.’ He paused. ‘A lot’
‘It’s ok if you want to be honest. If I’m just a bit of fun then that’s fine but I’m starting to really like you and I don’t want to get hurt again.’ She looked away feeling her eyes start to glisten.
‘Look at me.’ He lifted her chin gently with his hand so her eyes met his. ‘This isn’t just sex. I don’t really know what it is but I want to find out and the only way we can do that is by keeping going. I’m not just here for sex. Ok?’ Dan said.
She nodded her head gently, his fingers still touching her chin.
‘Ok?’ He brushed his thumb from the corner of her mouth along her jawline. ‘Ok babe?’
‘Ok.’ She nodded again, her head moving up and down slowly. ‘Thankyou. I just can’t see why you would want someone like me.’ She said.
‘Someone like you? You mean a gorgeous blonde with beautiful eyes. Yeah no guy wants that now do they?’
She smiled. ‘You know what I mean, I’m used. You deserve better.’ Emma said.
‘You aren’t used at all, stop being daft. My days of virgins are long gone and they really aren’t that fun. To me, what happened, was just like an ex-boyfriend. I mean he obviously wasn’t and was much worse than that but everyone has a past and you didn’t do anything wrong. He di
d the wrong, not you and besides he isn’t around anymore. If he was I’d want to hurt him but he isn’t so I can’t. All I want now is you.’ Dan said.
A single tear rolled down her cheek. ‘You have me.’
He brushed away the tear from her face and smiled. ‘I forgot to mention something else I really like about you.’
‘Ok, what is it?’ Emma asked.
‘Your tits. I really, really like them you daft bugger.’ He smiled and held her face more firmly.
She giggled, her eyes dropping from his. ‘Dirty bastard.’
‘You love it.’ He pulled her towards him, bringing her mouth to his.
Their lips touched, softly brushing against each other. She came closer to him, raising to her knees, he held her face and reached down to grip her hip. Their mouths opened together, his tongue tasted her lips. Her lips parted further letting his tongue inside, dancing with hers as they circled and flicked each other.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
It was bright and clear despite the early hour, a blue sky with nothing but a faint half-moon to disrupt the uniformity. Dan wore a faded blue polo shirt, board shorts and his brown leather deck shoes. He looked down and wished he’d remembered to polish them. They were faded and speckled white with salt splashes. He hoped she wouldn’t notice or would think it made him look more maritime than cocktail bar. He had a mixture of excitement and nerves about her visit today. Excitement because he always felt it whenever he was about to see her but nervous because this was the first time she would see where he lived. His Spartan lifestyle always sounded good but had ‘no commitment’ stamped in big red letters all over it.
The car park was empty so Dan knew it was Emma when the weathered Mondeo taxi turned off the road and drove under the maximum height bar. He stood from the bench and walked across the grass verge towards it. A few moments after stopping the driver climbed out at the same time as Emma. She wore a fitted blue vest which highlighted her cleavage, a pair of denim shorts and brown strappy sandals. Dan recognised the driver and smiled when he realised he had never seen him get out to pass anyone their luggage before.
The driver smiled when he saw Dan and nodded his head in greeting as he climbed back in the car.
‘Hey you.’ Emma said.
‘Hey you back. You look gorgeous.’ Dan said lowering his head to kiss her. ‘I could have picked you up you know.’
‘Don’t be daft.’ Emma said blushing. ‘I wasn’t sure what to wear so I just went with this and there’s no need for you to go out of your way to collect me.’
‘It wasn’t too far out of my way though. Never mind. Your outfit’s perfect. Did you bring something to swim in?’
‘Yeah I’ve got my bikini in my bag like you ordered.’
‘Good, it looks like it’s going to be nice out there’ Dan took the black suitcase from her hand. ‘You know it’s only a couple of nights, right? Not a round the world voyage.’
‘I know that but a girl needs her things. You’d moan if I forgot anything, now wouldn’t you?’
‘I guess so. Ready?’
‘Aye aye Captain.’ Emma said saluting Dan.
‘It’s a good job you’re cute you know.’ Dan said extending the suitcase handle. ‘Come on then sailor. She’s just down there.’
‘She? I didn’t know you had another woman.’
‘Boats are always a she.’ He said as they started to walk towards the harbour.
‘Why?’
‘Because they’re expensive and wet.’ Dan said.
‘Fuck off. You’re filthy you are.’ Emma said giggling.
‘You love it. I don’t know really though. It’s just how it is.’
They walked from the car park to the harbour, the sun glinted on the waves as the boats shifted rhythmically in their berths. Most of the boats were empty, their owners mostly asleep in their houses waiting until later before they went out to sea or maybe they had something else planned for their Saturday. Dan knew most of the people moored around him but he preferred to keep to himself in an evening. His day job meant he spent time socialising so away from work he liked to recharge himself in peace.
‘Morning how’s it going?’ Dan said as they walked along the wooden decking.
‘Morning. Lovely day for it.’ The man was in his sixties. He sat on the deck of his boat and put a newspaper down on the table in front of him. ‘Going out for a bit?’ He said smiling.
‘Yeah, she’s never been out with me before.’ Dan said.
‘Oh well I’m sure she’ll enjoy it. I’m Alf by the way.’ He said waving to Emma.
‘Hi. I’m Emma.’ She said smiling. ‘I just hope he doesn’t sink it.’
‘Nah it’s been a while since he did that.’ He said laughing.
‘Hey, that wasn’t really sinking. Just a little leak.’
‘Whatever makes your crewmates comfortable. Alf said smiling.
Dan laughed. ‘We better get going anyway. Maybe see you later?’ Dan said.
‘Maybe. I’ve got my usual busy schedule today.’ Alf said.
‘Cool. See you soon then.’ Dan said as he lead Emma further along the decking.
‘Who’s he?’ Emma said waking with Dan. She turned to wave to Alf.
Alf watched as they walked away. The view of Emma was worth postponing his morning paper for a little longer. He felt a pang of jealousy and wished he was forty years younger.
‘He’s just one of the other owners. He’s a nice guy. He’s on his boat a lot. Just reading and tinkering. It’s good having people around to keep an eye on things.’ Dan said.
‘I guess so. Which one is it?’ Emma asked.
‘The white one just along here.’ Dan said, the suitcase wheels clicking across the deck boards of the pontoon as they walked.
‘They’re all bloody white, I don’t know how you know which is yours?’
‘Well that’s why they have keys, if they don’t fit it’s not yours. It’s maritime law.’
‘Seriously? So, if you can get a key to fit you can take it?’ Emma said shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand.
‘Yeah. It’s like a busy car park, you just keep clicking the key fob and if the indicators flash you know the key works.’
‘Shut up, it’s that simple? If the lights flash you can take it?’
Dan smiled, ‘Yeah maritime law is weird.’
‘Oh well I never knew that.’
They turned a corner on the pontoon and Emma stopped walking.
‘What’s up? It’s just on the end here.’ Dan said turning to look at her.
‘Boats don’t have indicators?’
CHAPTER THIRTY
The sea was flat and calm as Dan held the boat on a steady course out to sea.
‘This is the first time I’ve been on a ship you know?’ Emma said standing beside Dan.
‘It’s a boat.’ Dan said.
‘Well this is the first time I’ve been on a boat then.’
‘Really? You mean out to sea?’ Dan asked.
‘Yes, it’s the first time.’ Emma said feeling a little nervous.
‘That’s cool, hopefully you don’t get seasick.’
‘I hadn’t thought about that. What do I do if I do?’ Emma said.
‘Lean over the side and be sick. Just make sure you take your glasses off first or they’ll go in.’
‘That’s gross. I can’t be sick over the side.’ Emma said with disgust on her face.
‘Well if you need to be sick it’s the best place to be sick. The fish eat it anyway.’
‘Oh don’t, that’s fucking horrible. As if the fish will eat it.’ She put her hand across her mouth.
‘Of course they will. It’s just food to them. They eat rotting stuff or whatever else they can get their mouths on. It’s the circle of life. You puke, fish eats the puke and then some guy catches the fish and eats it.’
‘No that’s horrible. Stop. I’m glad I don’t eat fish but I’m not sure I can even touch them now.’ Emma said.
> ‘Ok. But if you need to be sick that’s what you do though.’ Dan said.
‘Mention fish eating puke again and I won’t need to eat.’
‘Ok. I promise no more mentioning that thing I can’t mention. Captain’s honour.’ Dan smiled and saluted Emma.
‘That’s better, a little respect. I like it. How much further before we’re wherever we’re going?’ Emma asked.
‘About another five miles, then I’ll check for fish.’
‘Wow. I hadn’t realised we’d be so far off shore. No chance of swimming back.’ Emma said.
‘Nope. No chance at all. You’re trapped here with me all day.’ Dan said.
‘I can think of worse places to be trapped to be honest. How far is France?’ Emma asked.
‘I don’t know really, maybe a hundred miles. We could go one day if you like?’ Dan said.
‘I’d like that. It would be nice to just rock up in a boat like we were in Monaco or something.’ Emma said looking across the water.
‘Monaco’s a lot further and I doubt they would even let me near it in this.’
‘Why wouldn’t they let you in?’ Emma asked.
‘Well I couldn’t afford a mooring and they’d probably not let anything this cheap get in there.’ Dan said.
‘Really? What’s wrong with this?’
‘Nothing’s wrong with it. It’s just that Monaco is the place billionaires take their boats, big huge things that cost millions.’ Dan said.
‘Really? They cost so much?’ She was shocked.
‘Yeah, Abromavich’s supposedly cost a billion dollars, so that’s what, six or seven hundred million pounds.’
‘Jesus. And these guys all hang out in Monaco?’ Emma asked.
‘Some of the time yeah, they go wherever they want really.’
‘I don’t know why I’m wasting my time here then. I need to whip out my bikini and hit Monaco.’ Emma said wiggling her hips.
Dan laughed. ‘I can drop you at the train station when we get back if you like?’
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