“I have been trying to tell you that.”
“You did hide it quite well.”
He laughed. “Yeah. I did do that.”
It was difficult to not acknowledge that things were getting more serious with Wade. I didn’t want to, because I’d have to put a stop to it. So, I figured why not just go on the ride and see where it took me.
“I’m still sorry I forgot.”
He shrugged again. “We all forget things, Norah. We found our way back. That’s the important thing.”
“Until Lisa finds out,” I huffed.
“You could pre-empt that….” he offered, like he knew what I was going to say.
“I know. I know. But I think, if I could just get her to say yes to Matt… You know? Then maybe she’d be too delirious to notice.”
“You’re still trying to set them up?”
I nodded. “Yes. Half of me is convinced it’s going to work fabulously and they’ll be so happy…” I petered off.
“And the other half?”
“The other half of me wonders why bother because isn’t love a crock of shit?”
He took a couple of steps back to look at me. “You’ve decided love’s a crock of shit?” he asked, his face a mask of shock. “When did this happen?”
“It’s not like I’ve ever been a romantic.”
“There’s a difference between not being a romantic and thinking love’s bullshit, Norah.”
“What am I supposed to think as I watch my parents’ marriage dissolve?”
Wade looked at me. “Uh, that sometimes it doesn’t work out. That’s not reason not to give it a chance.”
I laughed. “Because you’re such a love advocate.”
“I might not be quite ready for it, but I don’t doubt it can happen as quickly as it ends. An end is no reason not to live and enjoy in the meantime. To not take a chance it could be something amazing.”
Wade seemed… Agitated wasn’t quite right. But he seemed restless or disconcerted about something. I didn’t know what it could be.
I shrugged and told him what I thought he wanted to hear. “I guess so. Maybe. It’s not like it matters anyway, because who’s going to fall in love with me?”
“You say that like it’s impossible.”
“I say that like who are my options right now? You?”
An expression crossed his face too quickly for me to register what it was. In fact, it was a number of expressions. I assumed it was humoured aversion.
“Me?” he spluttered a laugh. “Can you imagine?”
“Yeah,” I said, feeling like there was less humour in it than he apparently did. “Wade Phillips falling in love with Norah Lincoln. Like, really? As if.”
“Absurd.”
“Not happening.”
“So unlikely.”
We faced off against each other for a few seconds, something in the air between us. I felt like one – or both of us – had something more to say. But neither of us said anything.
“Uh,” Wade finally cleared his throat. “Shall we get back to…?” He pointed inside towards the tellie.
I nodded. “Yes. Yep. Sure. Sounds good.”
We went inside, leaving my sad little attempt at a pyre on his back lawn.
Nothing more was said about anyone falling in love with anyone and, after things feeling a little awkward for a half hour or so, everything went back to normal.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I woke up on my birthday feeling, for the first time in my life, like it may as well be any other day. It wasn’t the ageing I disagreed with. Now I was eighteen, I was fully legal with no restriction; who wouldn’t be excited about that? No, it wasn’t the ageing. It was the fact that I didn’t feel like I had an awful lot to celebrate.
I slumped my way down to the living room and binged nonsense for the better part of the morning. It wasn’t until the doorbell rung for the second time that I realised, of course, that I was the only one home. I pulled myself off the couch and headed for the front door.
“Norah Lincoln?” the delivery guy said and I was too busy gawking at what was in his hands to answer him. “Norah Lincoln?” he repeated.
I nodded slowly. “That’s me.”
“Great. Here you go.”
He shoved the giant bouquet of flowers at me, gave me a nod and wandered away.
Still marvelling over the whole thing, I closed the door and walked back into the living room. Awkwardly – the bouquet was a two-hand job for me – I put them on the coffee table and stood back to look at them.
They were my favourites. Lilliums. In all different colours. In white and orange and pink and purple and red. Shot through with the gorgeous green of their leaves.
“Who in the hell’s sending me flowers?” I mused.
Thinking it was either Lisa or Dad, I went searching for the card. It was wrapped up in a little envelope that was more difficult to extract without losing petals than getting the butterfly out of Cavity Sam. Finally, I managed and opened it.
Happy 18th Birthday, Norah,
From a secret admirer who is
definitely not your boyfriend ;P
It was even in Wade’s handwriting.
I smiled as I leant over to smell them. They filled my nose with their bright scent and I had a little gushy moment that a guy had sent me my favourite flowers on my birthday. The fact that it was Wade, and that all he’d done was remember a conversation we’d had, didn’t matter to me at all.
Suddenly, it was feeling an awful lot more like my birthday.
I got myself some more iced coffee and dropped back onto the couch to look at my flowers some more. After some time had passed, I realised that I’d assumed they were from Wade, but what if I’d got it wrong and mistaken someone else’s handwriting for his?
May as well check. And say thank you if he confirmed.
Norah
Did you send me flowers?
Wade
It depends.
Norah
On what?
Wade
On what flowers you’re currently looking at.
Norah
Do you really think more than one person would have sent me flowers?
Wade
How am I to know what other people are doing on your birthday?
Norah
You remembered it was my birthday?
It was a stupid question. If the flowers were from him, then of course he’d remembered it was my birthday. That he confirmed.
Wade
Of course I did.
Wade
I was even going to send you a message. When I got up.
Norah
Are you still in bed?
Wade
I am
Next came a picture of him lying in bed with a big cheesy grin and one arm behind his head. He was naked from the waist up. He could have been naked from the waist down for all I knew, but the sheets covered him.
Norah
Just what a girl needs on her birthday.
Wade
You can pop that in the birthday spank bank :P
Norah
You’re assuming I have a birthday spank bank.
Wade
Doesn’t everyone?
Norah
What makes it different to everyday?
Wade
You get cake and balloons, and you’re officially one year older. Has no one explained birthdays to you before? ;P
Norah
Har har.
Norah
Can I take that as a yes?
Wade
About the spank bank?
Norah
About the flowers.
Wade
Oh.
Wade
Yeah.
Wade
:D
Wade
Like them?
Norah
I do. Thank you.
/> Wade
You’re very welcome. Happy birthday, gorgeous.
For the next couple of hours, I snuck looks at the bouquet like I somehow expected it to be a mirage and disappear while I wasn’t looking. I just couldn’t get over the fact that someone – and Wade no less – had sent me flowers for my birthday. I took them upstairs with me while I showered, then brought them back down with me while I waited for Lisa to arrive.
And of course, when she did, she did it with style. ‘Happy Birthday’ was sung a la Marilyn Monroe and ‘Mr President’ was swapped out for ‘Norah Young Linc-oln’. I accepted the tribute as proper and worthy, then let her into the house.
“Woah, who died?” she asked, as she walked into the living room.
I looked at the flowers on the table and smiled. “Uh, no one. Those are for me.”
“For you?” She went up close to inspect them. “You mean someone sent you flowers? For your birthday? Like some kind of proper adult shit?” She straightened up and looked at me. “Was it your dad?”
“It wasn’t.”
She got that all excited smile she was known to get. “Who was it?”
I shrugged. “Card said ‘secret admirer’.”
It wasn’t a lie. The card had in fact said ‘from a secret admirer’. The fact it had said more and Wade had admitted they were from him were irrelevant.
“Oh,” Lisa gasped. “Who do you think it is?”
“I can’t say I’ve thought about it,” was obviously a slight lie.
“Someone from school?” she asked. “Oh, your casual but oft hook up?” She grinned at me suggestively.
I laughed. “I doubt it. On both counts,” was a definite lie.
Lisa waved it off. “Oh, well. We’ve got time to ponder the mysterious sender later, we have birthday shenanigans to undertake!”
“You’ve decided it was Dad?” I asked her.
She nodded. “I’ve decided it was your dad.”
I laughed. “Okay. Where’s Erin meeting us?”
“Mall Balls. At one-thirty, so we must vamoose!” She looked at me. “You ready? Happy with your life choices? Don’t want to change? Don’t need a sweater? Walking-appropriate shoes?”
As I picked up my keys and phone, I gave her a disbelieving look. “Since when do I ever wear walking-inappropriate shoes?” I asked her.
She grinned. “Hey, I don’t write the checklist. I just tick it off.”
“You tick me off,” I muttered as I locked up the house then followed her to her car. As it was my birthday, I didn’t have to drive myself around.
Erin, as the baby of the group, wasn’t legal yet, so the three of us didn’t have plans to go out clubbing or anything crazy, we just hung out at the mall for a few hours before it was time for me to head home and get ready to go out to dinner with the family. Nothing special, just the local pub. Normally, I loved dinner there, but I wasn’t really looking forward to it this year.
Which I’d spent all day whinging to Wade about.
Wade
I’m here if you need anything.
Norah
What’s the code word to come and save me?
Wade
Lol. I’m not coming to save you unless it’s absolutely necessary. But you can complain and vent as much as you like. I’m all ears…or eyes…
Norah
Thanks, Wade.
Wade
You don’t have to thank me for that, Norah. It’s what I’m here for.
Norah
I thought you were here for healthy distractions?
I was teasing, but I couldn’t deny I hoped he’d come back with some more serious. He didn’t disappoint.
Wade
Oh, I’m here for ALL the distractions. But I’m also just here for you in general, baby. Anything you need.
Norah
Except saving me.
Wade
Including helping you do the hard shit when necessary.
Ugh. He wasn’t wrong. Helping me find the strength to go to dinner was what I needed.
Norah
You know I’ll do the same.
Wade
I know.
Since he’d told me…pretty much everything, we hadn’t talked much about what was going on with him. It didn’t feel like he was hiding it. I wondered if, maybe, like it had been for me when I told him about my parents, that just sharing the load made things easier to bear. For now.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I pushed him playfully, not that he could go far with us entwined on his couch. “I can’t believe you got me flowers!” I laughed the next day.
His smile was big and his eyes shone. “What? Why wouldn’t I?”
“Why would you? That was totally random.”
He shrugged as he played with my hair and kissed my neck. “You said you’d like flowers for your birthday. We weren’t at school, so I had to send them to your house.”
I smiled. “I believe I joked about a boyfriend giving me flowers for my birthday.”
“And…?”
“And what?” I asked.
“I’m right here, Norah…”
“And what does that mean,” I laughed.
“It means take a chance.”
I pulled back to look at him. He surely didn’t mean what it sounded like he was meaning. We’d agreed. We didn’t do that. We didn’t want that. That’s not what this was. I had to be misunderstanding him.
“So sayeth the love cynic. Keep any of that advice for yourself?” I teased.
“Exactly why I’m bringing it up.”
My heart flopped. My mouth went dry. My stomach dropped out of the arse that was suddenly not on the couch anymore.
“I should go,” I said quickly.
Wade stood up as well. “Go? What do you mean, go?”
I nodded as I started walking backwards towards the door. “Yep. Go. Gotta go.”
“Go where?”
He knew he had me. The trick here was making sure I didn’t confirm he had me and try to weedle my way out of it. “Uh. Go to… Home. Go to home for the homework.”
“For the homework? The homework we both know you’ve already done so you could avoid talking to your family?”
My nod was quicker this time. “The homework for…next week.”
“Norah, quit with the bullshit.”
“What bullshit? There’s no bullshit, Wade.”
It was school holidays. Our last school holidays. It wasn’t like I was getting more homework two weeks out from SWOTVAC in the middle of the holidays. We both knew there was bullshit.
“There is all the bullshit, Norah. So much that your arse has to be jealous over the amount of shit coming out of your mouth.”
“You would use that against me?” I asked, horrified.
“Stop deflecting and talk to me.”
“About what?”
“Norah, for fuck’s sake and all that’s holy!” he snapped. “Will you just let me…? I’m trying to bare my soul–”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” I blurted out. “Obviously, this was a mistake.”
“A mistake?”
I nodded quickly again. “A mistake. So, I’m going to go home and we’re going to…”
“If you say something wanky like ‘put this behind us’, then I will hit something.”
“Fine. I won’t say it. But you know it’s for the best.”
“Do I?” he asked, sarcastically.
“Yes!”
“I tell you I want to be official and you answer by…ending it?” he asked.
Official?
My head and my heart were a mess of thoughts and feelings and everything seemed far too scary.
“Yes,” was all I could say. It was breathless and weak and didn’t sound anything like me.
“That’s it?”
I nodded. “That’s it.”
“You’re… You’re really�
� Seriously?”
I couldn’t do anything more than nod.
“After all that, you’ve got nothing else for me?”
“What’s…?” I swallowed hard. “What happened to friends with benefits? What’s so bad about that?”
“Nothing,” he said simply and I thought we were going to be able to put this behind us. “Unless you both want more.”
I fell my stomach plummet out of my arse. “More?”
He nodded, so sure of himself, of what he thought and wanted. I’d have envied him if he wasn’t asking me for something I couldn’t give him.
“What makes you think I want more?” I asked him, trying to think about how best to make things just go back to the way they were.
“You’re really going to stand there and tell me nothing’s changed?”
I shook my head. “No. It hasn’t. Has it?”
“I mean, other than me thinking I could fall in love with you? No. Nothing important.”
My heart skipped a beat and I wanted to tell him I thought I felt the same. But being official meant talking to Lisa and explaining everything that had happened. I was starting to think that Wade might have been right all along; maybe I should have just not hidden it from her in the first place. At least then I wouldn’t have to also tell her that I’d been seeing Wade behind her back and have her hate me even more. I was in a lose-lose situation and had no one but myself to blame.
Idiot.
Faced with losing Lisa, losing Wade seemed like the lesser of two evils. He wasn’t supposed to have been mine anyway. So, how could you lose something that was never meant to be yours?
“I’m sorry,” I told him, meaning every word and wishing there was a way to say it more strongly. “I just… I can’t… Breaking my heart is better than breaking Lisa’s.”
His eyes narrowed. He didn’t look upset so much as epically pissed off. “And what about mine?”
“Yours?” came out a squeak.
“I guess mine’s irrelevant. I guess Wade Phillips has left enough hearts in his wake that he deserves to add his to the trail?”
Which wasn’t true. I’d thought it was true, but it wasn’t. I’d seen a player where there wasn’t one because I was looking for any reason to dislike him. In truth, he was no more a player than me.
I opened my mouth and closed it a few useless times. “No. I didn’t–”
“Save it, Norah. It serves me right for thinking I deserved more.”
the Art of Breaking Up Page 22