“I always respected the things Mrs. Randolph said.” The nurse and I locked eyes. She closed and opened hers gently. She made me feel as though I were paying homage to her.
“All of Mrs. Randolph’s ideas have been good ones,” Miriam said. She said it with such force it was as if she wanted me to repeat it as one would a catechism.
“Yes,” I said. I still hadn’t really entered the room. I was standing in the doorway.
“And all of them have helped Lillian.”
“I guess I missed supper,” I said, hoping to change the subject.
“I said, and all of them have helped Lillian, Michael.”
“Yes, dear, they have.”
“While you were sleeping,” Miriam went on, obviously determined to deliver a thought, “Mrs. Randolph pointed out another problem we have yet to confront.”
“Oh?”
“All this time Lillian’s been falling behind in her schoolwork. One day when she’s able to go back, she’ll be at such a disadvantage. It could be very discouraging.”
“Yes,” I said, relieved that the problem was only something to do with Lillian.
“Fortunately, Michael, Mrs. Randolph has some teaching experience. Did you know that?”
“I sort of gathered it,” I said, but my sarcasm was lost on her.
“So she’s going to start tutoring Lillian.”
“Tutoring Lillian?”
“Of course, Michael. What else could we mean?” Her smile widened. She was close to laughing at me. I was annoyed, but I contained myself and simply nodded.
“That’s nice.”
“It’s an additional duty, so we’ll pay her more.”
The nurse began to take on a look of great self-satisfaction. It was nauseating, but I could do nothing.
“Of course, dear.”
“And this means that she’ll be with us for some time,” Miriam added, her voice taking on a light, happy, childish tone. “Some time,” she muttered, her eyes even wider. The idea put her in another world. I looked at Mrs. Randolph.
She was smiling.
9
* * *
FRIDAYS ARE ALWAYS ROUGH AT A BANK, BUT I HAD forgotten just how rough they could be. Like most banks, ours remained open longer to accommodate people before the weekend. I did my best to concentrate on my work, but every once in a while I had a rush of sexual imagery pass before me and I had to pause. My sense of guilt was such that I actually looked around to see if anyone could tell what sort of thoughts I had just had. Perhaps it was written on my face. I felt flushed and continually fiddled with my collar and loosened my tie. I didn’t realize how much I was doing that until Dorothy Wilson left her desk across the lobby and came to my window.
“Is something wrong, Michael?”
I looked up with surprise. I know I must have appeared like someone who had just been caught with his hands in the till. She wore the most peculiar smile on her face, as though my face were changing right before her eyes. I felt like some sort of monster, someone who couldn’t prevent himself from turning into a werewolf.
“No. Why do you ask that?” I wasn’t only annoyed; I was downright nasty. The smile faded.
“I ... I thought you might not be feeling well. You look so uncomfortable.”
“Things must be pretty slow at your desk if you’ve been watching me all afternoon.”
She didn’t say anything else. She just turned and walked away. I didn’t regret my responses. At the moment I was feeling so bad about what I had done with Mrs. Randolph that I hated all womankind. Miriam didn’t deserve someone like me. She was so much better. Even now, a day after it happened, I was reliving it as though it had happened only an hour ago. My body was hot. I was even experiencing an erection.
When customers came to my window, I tried to hurry them along. Some resented it. Unfortunately, the one mathematical mistake I made I made with a rather loudmouthed woman. She couldn’t simply point it out to me and leave it at that. She had to bust in in front of the man who had just stepped up to the counter and scream at me in what must have been close to the top of her voice. “You gave me twenty dollars too little! Look! Look!”
“All right,” I said. “All right. Just a moment.”
No, she wouldn’t have it that way. I had to push aside the transaction I had just begun and take care of her. Some people left my line because of that. It attracted everyone’s attention, and I was a great deal more belligerent with people because of it.
Charley Tooey didn’t say anything to me all day. He hardly looked my way, even when the woman made her big scene. I knew why. He didn’t believe my explanation about the girl in the wheelchair. Frankly, at this point I didn’t care if he believed it or not. I was curt with him, and when he said his wife swore she saw a child, I said, “Tell her to take the other way to town.”
“That’s a helluva answer, Michael.”
“Look, I’ve got work to do,” I said. He walked away, shaking his head. I was much happier with him not talking to me anyway.
When I called Miriam, I wanted to apologize. I wanted to say something that would make things right again, even though she didn’t know anything was wrong. I spoke as softly as I could, and I was as loving and agreeable as I could be. There was nothing in her voice to indicate anything was different. She was just as excited about things as she was the night before. I was close to tears and pressed my hand against my forehead and my forehead against the wall. Naturally my posture attracted the attention of another busybody. Peter Curtiz had to interrupt.
“Is there anything wrong, Michael?” he asked. I didn’t hear him come up behind me.
“No,” I snapped, and I turned my back on him immediately. I heard him walk off. Miriam talked right through it.
“I want you to bring home pads of paper and pencils and pens.”
“Fine, dear.”
“Get some crayons, too. She needs new crayons. She might have to color in maps or something. And current events magazines ... get some. You know, like Newsweek or Time. Mrs. Randolph says we don’t get the right magazines. She wants the latest Cosmopolitan and Redbook.”
“OK.”
“Oh, and Lillian needs a ruler. I can’t find her ruler.”
“One ruler.”
“Get two. They’re not expensive.”
“Two rulers. How are you doing, dear?”
“I’m doing fine, Michael. Why?”
“I was just thinking about you. I’m still not used to being away from you.”
“That’s silly, Michael. You’re not really away from me. You’re at work. Most husbands and wives are separated during the day. If I didn’t have Lillian to think about, I might be looking for a job myself. Mrs. Randolph says I should think in those terms. She wants me to have more independence.”
“Mrs. Randolph should stick only to medical problems.”
“That’s not fair, Michael, and not right either. Mrs. Randolph is a worldly woman. She’s a woman of many resources. I should have half of what she has.”
“You have more. Don’t say that. You’re twice the person she is. Why you have more kindness, more beauty, more ...” I was vaguely aware of someone behind me telling me to speak lower.
“Don’t get so upset, Michael. It was only a manner of speaking. You won’t forget any of those things I told you to get now, will you?”
“No.”
“Because she’s going to need them, Michael, and I’ll just send you all the way back.”
“I promise. I won’t forget. See you soon, dear.”
After I hung up, I just stood there by the phone. I turned when I felt someone touch my shoulder. It was Peter Curtiz again.
“What?”
“Mr. Kasofsky wants to see you before you leave,” he said. I looked toward Kasofsky’s office. Charley Tooey was in there. I could see they were having a rather intense conversation. Charley was gesturing emphatically, and Mr. Kasofsky was nodding thoughtfully. When he looked my way, I went back to my window.
After Charley left his office, he left the bank without so much as gazing in my direction. I proofed out quickly and accurately and then headed for Mr. Kasofsky’s office.
Mr. Kasofsky was a man in his late fifties. His red hair had thinned and grayed considerably, yet his face always had that flushed look characteristic of people who worked outdoors. I could never understand it. I once mentioned it to Mrs. Randolph, and she said it might mean that he suffered from high blood pressure. I doubted that because he always looked like a man who had things under control. He was certainly an effective bank president and always had the appearance of stability, organization, and efficiency. He was the kind of a man people would trust with their life’s savings.
When I entered, he looked up and gestured toward the seat next to his desk. I took it quickly, leaned back, and crossed my legs. He studied me for a moment and sat back himself, although he did not look relaxed.
“You know,” he began, “I remember as a little boy going out to your place with my father to get milk from your grandfather. Did I ever tell you that?”
“No. At least, I don’t recall your telling me that.”
“Yeah.” He shook his head. “Nothing tastes as good as fresh milk. But you, of all people, know that.”
“I’ve always hated it and preferred store-bought milk.”
“Have you? I don’t know ... my brothers and I used to fight over who would get the cream at the top of the bottle.” He laughed. “Days that are long gone.”
“All I remember was that my grandfather and my father were slaves to that place.”
“I suppose that was true, only they didn’t think of it that way, did they?”
I shrugged. I really didn’t know. I had never discussed it with my father. He knew I hated the work, and that was that. I rarely initiated any conversations about the farm.
“They didn’t know much of anything else,” I suggested. He agreed. There was a long pause during which he obviously phrased his thoughts with care. I looked away until he began.
“Michael, I know why you wanted to come back to the bank, and I think that’s admirable, admirable. There is something to be said for work after all, eh?”
“Something to be said for getting out and doing things, yes.”
“I know your situation has been pretty difficult and pretty painful. I sympathize with you, believe me. Everyone here does,” he added as though it just occurred to him.
“Really,” I said dryly.
“Oh yes, everyone. There’s been a lot of concern about you.”
“Maybe too much.”
“Maybe. In any case,” he said leaning forward, his elbows on the desk, his hands clasped before him, “it might just be that you started this too soon. I know getting the nurse and all has given you some new freedom—”
“A great deal of freedom. She’s an extremely competent person.”
“So I gather; so I gather.” He nodded and bit his lower lip. Then he sat back again. “Michael, I’ll be straight out with you. When you called to come back, I was very happy about it and eager to get you here again as part of our operation. You’re a home-grown boy, and you have always been an efficient employee. However, I was worried about your temperament. You have been through a great deal. More than any man deserves. The question is, are you really ready to come back?”
“You don’t think so?”
“I’ve been watching you closely this week. I’m concerned. Not for the bank so much as for you,” he added quickly, pressing his palm at the air between us. “It could be that the pressure of the work ... dealing with various personalities, many of which I know are not pleasant, dealing with your own problems, even though the nurse is there, all of it ... might still be too much for you.”
“You want me to leave the bank. That’s what you’re getting at, isn’t it?”
“Extend your sabbatical. A little more time is all you need, I’m sure. We’ll always be able to work you in here.”
“I know I was a little on edge today. I had a bad night.” It’s Mrs. Randolph’s fault, I thought quickly, Mrs. Randolph’s ....
“Michael,” he said holding both hands up, “you don’t have to give any explanations. No one with any sense of decency would require it.”
“You want me to leave,” I repeated, almost under my breath. Then a thought occurred. “Did Charley Tooey say something? Did he fill your mind with crazy ideas? Is that what happened here?”
“No one has to say anything to me. I know my employees better than some of them know themselves. Listen—”
“No,” I said, “I don’t want to listen. I gave him an explanation that would have made sense to anyone else, but his wife ... his wife is more hysterical than mine. Mrs. Randolph gave me a perfectly plausible explanation. Any reasonable person—”
“Michael.” He didn’t raise his voice, but the sharpness of it stopped me. “Look, do yourself a favor. Think over what I said. You have the weekend. Give it a day or two and then let me know. If you want to stick with it, then we’ll talk some more about it.”
I didn’t want to say anything more to him. I certainly didn’t want to argue or beg for my job. I could see that he had developed his ideas and there was no changing him. I stood up slowly, keeping absolutely tight control of myself.
“Very well,” I said. “I’ll let you know.”
“Good. Have a nice weekend, Michael,” he said. He had said that on so many Fridays for so many years that he no longer knew what it meant. I left quickly.
I was shaking. Everyone left in the bank was looking at me. Dorothy Wilson was standing at her desk, embracing herself. She wore a look of sorrow and pity, and I hated her for it. The bank guard eyed me suspiciously. Maybe he thought I would go berserk and start throwing things around in a mad rage. I wanted to shout something obscene at all of them, but I simply walked out the door and went to the parking lot to get into my car.
I sat there for a while trying to calm myself. I didn’t want to start driving in the condition I was in. I needed composure, composure to face Miriam and the nurse. Thinking about Miriam reminded me of her list of things so I got out of the car and walked up to the department store. The walk and the shopping had a cooling effect. I was able to get hold of myself and start out for home.
All during the ride home, I kept thinking that I was being punished for my infidelity. It was my own fault. Something precious and important had been shattered, and I was paying for it. If I hadn’t had sex with Mrs. Randolph, I wouldn’t have done what I had done in the bank and none of this would have happened. At first I had been afraid that Miriam would find out. Now I had this insane idea that Lillian knew.
The dead hover about us and know our most secret thoughts and actions. They linger. They become our good and bad angels. God assigns them this role. Call them ghosts, spirits, or souls. It’s all the same. We are haunted by the ones we loved the most. It’s why we can’t forget them. The closer we were with them, the longer they remain with us. I believed this; I was terrified by it.
Wherever Lillian was, she was upset with what I had done, for I had not only betrayed Miriam, I had betrayed her. I betrayed what we three had together—our own private sanctuary, an existence separate from the hardships of the outside world. Insulated in the farm house, we could shut out the noise and the commotion. We could read to the sound of a delicate music box. We could speak in soft voices and tell happy stories. We could go out on the porch and look at the stars and listen to the sounds of the night, and never would we be afraid because we had one another.
Even after Lillian’s death, Miriam would not let go of her hand, and I would watch the shadows and listen to the tinkle of her chimes. Something remained; something of the three of us was still there. I had polluted it when I had sex with the nurse. She was not of our world. She had come in disguise. She was supposed to cure our madness and bring us back to a fruitful existence. Instead she had made the darkness deeper.
As I sped down the highway, I muttered in chantl
ike fashion. “Please forgive me, Lillian, forgive me. Daddy will make it all good again.”
I was losing everything—my family, my job, my sanity. Maybe it wasn’t important that we cure Miriam, I thought. Maybe we shouldn’t bury Lillian again. Maybe things should be permitted to find their own natural end. One day Miriam would wake up and realize that Lillian was gone and we would go on.
We should get rid of the nurse, I thought. Mrs. Randolph must leave. It would take a few days, but I would have things back to what they were and I would be able to deal with my life again. I wanted that woman out of my house. As I drew closer and closer, the thought became an obsession. I knew it would be difficult to convince Miriam. Somehow I had to make her see that what she thought were Mrs. Randolph’s contributions were really meaningless things. She’ll listen to me, I told myself; she has to.
I knew what I would do. I would call Dr. Turner’s office in the morning. He said I could if I had something important. He said Mrs. Greenstreet would relay the message. Shortly afterward, he would call me and I would tell him that now I was positive—Mrs. Randolph had to go. It’s not working out, I would tell him. You don’t have to be a doctor to know that, I’d say. That would be that. I’d put her on the phone and he would tell her to leave. We might get another nurse later on, if need be. That’s it, I thought, I’ll tell Miriam we’ll get another nurse.
Miriam greeted me at the door. She was anxious that I hadn’t forgotten all the things she listed over the telephone. I wanted to tell her right away about the bank and my meeting with Mr. Kasofsky, but she was too excited about Mrs. Randolph tutoring Lillian.
“Imagine,” she said, “a nurse who can also be a teacher.”
“Yes. Where is she?”
“Oh. She’s upstairs in her room. She told me to tell you as soon as you came in that you should go up for your second meditation session. She said she expected you would be very eager.”
“She did, did she? Well I’m not interested in meditation anymore. I think it’s a farce, just like some other things around here.”
Tender Loving Care Page 15