“Mal showed up, and he left. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Stop. Fucking stop that. Did you forget what he did to you?”
“I’d like to, but you won’t let me. Why are you mad at me for him coming to your shop?” I asked. “I didn’t fucking invite him. It isn’t my fault.”
“Why’d I have to hear it from Mal?”
“I don’t want you to worry,” I said shrugging.
“You can’t expect me not to care about you.”
“Can I expect you not to treat me like a child?” I shot back. “I know something would have happened if you weren’t there that night and I’m glad you were. But now he isn’t a threat.”
“He could have done something today.”
“But he didn’t, and I shouldn’t have to go around scared that he will. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be scared of him and of you too.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t want to feel like you’re always looking over my shoulder the way I might think he is.”
“You don’t have to worry about him,” he said.
“What about you?” I asked.
“Look at me,” he said. I looked up at his face struggling to maintain eye contact. “Do you believe I’d do what he did to you?” he asked. I couldn’t speak. I shook my head no because I figured if he wanted to, he would have already, then immediately felt horrible for thinking that of someone who’d been so kind to me.
I felt like my heart was beating so loud he could hear it too. It was lust. It was only lust. He said he cared about me, but that was just because he was afraid of what Ryan might do. Nothing else. He didn’t really care about me like that. He wouldn’t have a different girl in his bed every night if he did.
But what if he did? Maybe he could compartmentalize in a way that I couldn’t. It feels good to feel wanted. What if he was serious when he would flirt with me and really meant it? I could pretend he did for the next minute or so. I kissed him carefully, pressing my lips firmly into his. I felt his hands hold me tight around the waist and pull our bodies together hard. His hands brushed the skin of my waist as my t-shirt rode up and I felt him squeeze. His hand went up my back and into my hair. I gasped in surprise feeling him tug, pulling my head back.
He stopped immediately, looking into my eyes. My stomach dropped when I saw it in his face. Regret. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t have any words. My throat felt like it was sealed shut. My heart was pounding, and my eyes quickly welled up. I didn’t know why he’d stopped the way he did, but I knew what was happening. It didn’t matter how much I tried to pretend. He didn’t really want me. I had been wrong.
12
Asher
When I first moved to LA, I ended up living in a house with three other guys. There was this one guy, one of my roommates named Marco, and I didn’t meet him until I’d already been living there two-and-a-half weeks. He wouldn’t come out of his room, or at least every time he did, I wasn’t around to see him.
It was like seeing a ghost whenever he came out of there. He never had a shirt on, looked like shit and would only stay out of his room for about ten minutes at a time before disappearing back inside.
I hadn’t seen Jenny since the day Ryan had come to the shop. I’d see her at work because she had a desk she had to sit at, but I never saw her at home. She’d be gone before I left in the morning and would be out of the house or already asleep when I got back home. She didn’t come to any of the parties she organized at the shop, and whenever we’d talk, maybe it was just my imagination, but I was sure I heard something hostile in there.
It’s not hard to tell when a woman’s mad at you. They either exploded and let you know why they were mad, or they went silent and made you fucking guess. I didn’t have to guess with Jenny, though. I knew what it was.
I guess we should have talked about it. Maybe I wanted to more than she did. I could think of several things I wanted to do with her that had nothing to do with talking, but I wasn’t dumb enough to think she’d just let me at her without telling me what she felt first. Scratch that, I was. I already had done that, and that was why she wasn’t talking to me.
She was the only person I wanted to be careful around. The only girl I really wanted to be slow, and gentle with and I hadn’t been. I’d yanked her hair like a fucking caveman when she’d let me kiss her. I hadn’t expected her to. She’d surprised me by even opening up like that, but I should have had more self-control.
That had been it, my fucking green light. My chance with her, and I’d blown it.
The kiss had done nothing to kill my desire for her. If anything, it was worse now. It had gotten so bad, fucking other girls felt like punishment. Hearing her voice when she talked to me, dismissive and distant, stung. Even being around her, which usually felt great, was awful because I could feel the gulf between us.
She felt closed off, like it wasn’t even an option for me to be there for her as a friend anymore, someone to talk to about what the fuck had happened to get her into rehab. That probably didn’t matter though because she’d made three great friends at the shop. I spent more time in my office than the main shop space because I didn’t need to do that to myself. I wasn’t going to. If I was going to feel like shit because of a girl, I was going to do it on my own. It was less pathetic that way.
Friday night at the shop was a party, almost by default. I could hear it getting started from my desk in my office. I wasn’t really doing anything, but I knew that Jenny tended to sit these out and if she wasn’t here, she was most likely at home. Was it really less pathetic feeling like shit about her while I was alone? Maybe it wasn’t, but sitting in my office alone while there was a party going on because I was feeling like shit about a girl was too pathetic.
Fuck it. I’d go home.
I got ready to leave, wondering whether I’d stay for a drink before I left. Ah, alcohol. Enough shots and I wouldn’t remember Jenny’s name. Numbing out had not worked. I’d tried it with pussy already and look where that had gotten me.
The shop wasn’t full, but it was still just a little after nine; it would get fuller. A girl whose name I wanted to remember but couldn’t came up and hugged me saying it had been a long time since we’d seen each other. I mean, okay, if she said so. Mal was nowhere in sight, but I spotted Jun and Devon easily enough. What I hadn’t expected to see was Jenny talking to the girl on Jun’s arm.
I stared, waiting for myself to stop hallucinating, but it was definitely her. Blond waves and bright brown eyes. I almost smiled. The last time she’d been to one of these, she had hung quietly by the wall letting it all happen around her. She was smiling at something the girl was telling her. She looked like she was having a good time.
At least one of us was.
Now I knew the apartment was empty. I decided to leave when I saw Phaedra in front of me. She waved me over. There was an arm around her shoulders and attached to that arm was Ryan, with a drink in his other hand and a smug smile on his face.
When I stopped moving, Phaedra came over, her hand taking Ryan’s, dragging him behind her.
“Hey, you,” she said happily, letting go of Ryan to hug me. “Where were you?”
“For a minute we thought you’d bailed,” Ryan said. He grinned at me, daring me to say something. I couldn’t believe the balls on this guy. If he knew how mad I was at him, he’d have known better than to put himself right where I could reach him.
“Are you here alone, Phae?” I asked.
“Sorry, not tonight,” she said, giggling and leaning into Ryan’s chest.
“Take it easy on the booze, okay?”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because this guy will get you drunk and swear you said yes,” I said, looking at him instead of her. She looked at me, confused.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I don’t want you to get hurt. Don’t leave with him; he can’t take no for an answer.” She backed off of him, turning to look at his
face.
“What does he mean, Ryan?” she asked.
“He’s just jealous his new girl fucked me before him,” Ryan said, looking at me.
“I’m giving you one chance to leave on your own before I make you,” I said.
“I was just going. Let me go get Jenny, and I’ll be on my way,” he said. He did it to himself. I punched him right in the mouth, feeling his teeth connect hard with my knuckles. I grabbed his shoulder and punched him again. I shoved him, making him land hard in the middle of the floor. The crowd had scattered, leaving the floor open for us. I lunged for him, not caring that he was down. I felt two people try to pull me off him. I heard shouting, but I couldn’t make it out.
A couple of girls were helping Ryan to his feet, and he was saying something too, but I couldn’t hear him over my own yelling.
“Ash, what the fuck man, you want someone to call the cops?” I finally heard Devon ask me, appearing in front of me. I shook the two guys off me and looked around. Everyone had stopped, just watching in shock. I scanned the crowd for Jenny suddenly remembering what he’d said and saw her, the same stunned, scared expression on her face.
I walked out. Ryan was there against the glass storefront and jumped when he saw me.
“You shouldn’t have come here.”
“When the fuck are you gonna let it go?” he asked. I just shook my head. I was about to tell him to fuck off when I heard someone else come out of the shop.
“Asher?”
It was Jenny. I turned and looked at her. She came up to me, worried.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine. Go back to the party.”
“Are you sure?” she insisted. I nodded, glancing over at Ryan who was watching us.
“Go back. You can get a ride home with one of the guys.”
“Are you leaving? I’ll come with you,” she said. I put up some weak resistance before giving in because home was where I ultimately preferred she be.
The car ride was the longest I’d ever had in my life. She didn’t say shit to me the entire time, and slowly, the tension that had become familiar between us had built till we were drowning in it. The elevator ride up had been worse. She’d walked out ahead of me and opened the apartment door, going in first. I followed her inside, closing the door behind me. I watched her form heading for the bathroom, probably to take a shower. I sighed and went to the kitchen for some water.
She appeared suddenly, walking to the freezer and pulling a frozen chicken breast out of it.
“Here,” she said, taking the water from me and flattening my palm so she could put the frozen meat on my knuckles. Good idea. I was tattooing the next day. Fuck, I hoped I still could.
“Why did you do that?” she asked, not looking up at me.
“You know why, Jenny,” I said, picking the water up in my other hand and drinking it.
“I didn’t ask you to.”
“I know you didn’t. You have more mercy than I do, and for that he’s lucky.”
“Don’t do that again,” she said. “I’ve watched you fight him twice because of me. I don’t want to get in between the two of you.”
“You didn’t do anything, Jenny. He had it coming.”
“Still not a good reason to fight.”
“Do you want me to tell you what he said? What earned him that fucking punch tonight?” I asked. She shook her head, not looking at me.
“You need to stop,” she said.
“Stop fighting Ryan?”
“Stop doing things like that. Stop changing your mind.”
“The hell are you talking about?”
“You already… I know how you feel now, finally, and I don’t want to get my hopes up again,” she said.
“You know how I feel? Crazy because you’ve been ignoring me all week—that feeling?” she looked up, frowning.
“Ignoring you? You’re the one who made it more than clear that you didn’t want me. I have counted no less than six different women with you since we met, Asher. Six. Even after that, I thought maybe there was a chance, but no. There wasn’t, and you’re not going to do this to me anymore so I can keep embarrassing myself.”
“I didn’t want you?” I said because it was the only part I’d really heard. “After that kiss, you thought that I didn’t want you?”
“I kissed you, and you looked at me like I was the biggest mistake you’d ever made.”
“Fuck, Jenny, that wasn’t it. I thought I fucked up, pushed you too hard.”
“Don’t make fun of me,” she said, looking down. “Don’t play this game with me. There is no gray area with this. There is me and you, and there’s yes or no. That’s it. Don’t tell me one thing then do another. You can’t keep me guessing in the dark about what you feel while you do whatever you want.”
“I want you, Jenny. This isn’t a game,” I cupped her face and tilted it up so she’d look at me. She looked up at me and licked her lips, unsure, expectant. This was it. I wasn’t going to try telling her again when this would say it for me. I held her face with both hands, gently bringing our lips together. My right hand probably felt cold against her cheek, but she kissed me back, moving her lips slowly, parting them when I pushed carefully with my tongue.
I felt her touch me, resting her hands on my stomach, pulling my t-shirt up so she could touch my skin. Too close to my dick; I was getting hard. Her fingers hooked in the waistband of my jeans. Our tongues danced lazily as she ran her hand lower, over my crotch, till it sat just over my hard-on.
That was all the encouragement I needed. I didn’t want to do it in the kitchen. I lifted her up and carried her to my bed, lowering her down carefully and kissing her deeply, tasting her. I let her pull my shirt off and rake her fingers over my back. Her hand was in my hair pulling me into her.
I held myself above her. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I also didn’t want to push her, make her scared or uncomfortable. I liked it harder rather than softer, but I didn’t want to risk her feeling she wasn’t safe with me. It was difficult, though. Very very hard. I kissed her neck, running my thumb over her nipple over her bra and I thought I’d bust just hearing her moan.
I sat up and pulled her jeans off along with her panties. Her pussy was glistening wet. Beautiful like the rest of her. I wanted to touch her. Fuck, I wanted to touch her. I wanted to hold her thighs open and pound her for how hard she made me. I wanted to suck and bite that soft skin inside her thighs till it bruised.
I wanted to, but I couldn’t do it. If it reminded me of the way Ryan had held her down, how wouldn’t it remind her of that? I felt like I had to be careful. I couldn’t fuck her the way I wanted.
Her hands were all over me. She undid my jeans, and I felt her warm hands on my ass, around my cock, squeezing.
“Fuck me, Asher, I want to feel you inside me,” she whispered. Goddamn. She wasn’t going to make this easy for me. I kissed her and reached for a condom in the bed stand drawer. I felt her watch me as I slid it on. I settled between her legs again, and she spread them further.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Please,” she said. I teased her opening before I pushed inside slowly. She moaned, wrapping her arms around my neck. She whimpered as I slowly buried myself deeper and deeper till I was balls deep. She was strangling the shit out of my cock. Her eyes were closed when I looked at her and when she opened them and smirked at me, I nearly lost my fucking mind.
I wanted to hold her down and show her how much I fucking wanted her so she never made the mistake of thinking I didn’t again. Instead, I started slow, thrusting carefully. I held myself up and called on every power on earth to grant me self-control. She squirmed underneath me, touching me, telling me to give her more. Harder.
But I couldn’t. When would I get another second chance? I didn’t want to fuck up. She turned her face away and shut her eyes, wrapping her hands around my wrists near her head.
“Stop,” she choked out below me. I looked down at her, holding
myself up on my arms.
“What?”
“Stop it. Get off of me,” she said. I pulled out of her, and she immediately got up, grabbing her panties and pants off the floor.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What’s wrong?” she repeated. Her voice was thick like she was crying. “Why would you come onto me like that if you didn’t want to fuck me?
“What? Jenn, I’m hard as a fucking rock. Does this look like I don’t want to fuck you?”
“Don’t,” she said pulling her pants up. “If you really didn’t want to do it, you should have said something. I don’t need you to mercy fuck me.”
“Jenny, what are you talking about?”
“You won’t even touch me,” she said. “I don’t care if you’re not attracted to me. Just don’t treat this like a game where I can’t get hurt.”
“Jenny, come back.” She shook her head and sniffed.
“That was the last time,” she said. “I think now it’s safe to say we both understand each other.” She left the room, closing the door behind her. The sound of another door slamming told me she’d left the apartment.
Fuck. Again. I’d fucked up, again. Five minutes ago, I had her, and now I had another night jerking off thinking about her.
Just because I was used to it, didn’t mean I had to like it.
13
Felicity
I stared up at the starless sky. The sky didn’t even get all the way dark on account of all the light the city produced. I wasn’t sure whether a bright city below was a good tradeoff for a bright sky above, but it was pretty from the roof of the apartment building—the city.
Something alive and thrumming with activity even if I wasn’t. Sometimes that was comforting, knowing that the world was still turning and people were still living, moving, and existing all around you even when you felt stuck. Other times it just made the feeling worse.
Asher (Heartbreakers & Troublemakers Book 6) Page 10