by Lisa Hobman
Chapter Seventeen
I dressed in a sleeveless T-shirt and my combats, seeing as the weather was bright outside, and at eight o’clock sharp I knocked on Mallory’s door. I waited for a while until she opened it, looking rather bleary-eyed.
I was grinning like an idiot. ‘Morning! Am I too early? Just thought I’d call in as I was out and about, so shall I have a look at that tap?’ I was lying through my teeth, of course. I’d been up since the crack of dawn, looking forward to it. But she didn’t need to know that.
She looked befuddled and I wondered if she’d forgotten I’d said I was stopping by. ‘I’m not exactly…’ She gestured at her pyjamas.
I looked her up and down and once again was taken by how cute she looked; all rumpled from sleep. ‘Oh, no bother, they’re very fetching. Get the kettle on, eh? Shall I just go away up there? I know my way.’ I realised I was talking at about three hundred miles an hour and blamed the adrenaline coursing through my veins.
She chuntered something sulkily under her breath, but when I explained that I hadn’t heard and asked her to repeat what she’d said, she was all smiles. Funny woman.
I made my way up to the workshop at the end of Mallory’s garden and got out my tools. Getting down on my back under the sink, I set to trying to figure out what was wrong with the bloody thing. After heaving and hammering I surmised that lack of use had caused it to seize up.
Mallory walked in with some coffee and peered down at me with a worried expression. ‘How bad is it?’
‘Hard to say at the moment, the nuts are all seized… and there’s nothing worse than seized nuts!’ I couldn’t help laughing at my own joke. I killed myself sometimes. Shame no one else really got my daft sense of humour. I heard her giggle and it was a really sweet sound. She switched on the CD player that sat on the counter top in the corner and Foo Fighters played in the background as I worked on freeing the nuts. Ha-ha! Still cracks me up now. I smiled as we both sang along. It was strange how I didn’t mind really, considering my usual feelings towards audience participation. Although maybe it was just because I wasn’t on the stage. Or… maybe it was simply because it was her doing the singing.
She went silent and I could see her in my peripheral vision examining my inked bicep. ‘That’s an interesting tattoo on your arm, Greg. What does it mean?’
I knew it. I knew she’d ask. I’d been waiting for it. The trouble was I didn’t want to talk about it. When I did, it lowered my mood. And today was a good day.
‘Ah, it’s just something I had done last year.’ I hoped my short answer would get the message across that the topic wasn’t for discussion. But no, she was a bloody tenacious little thing.
‘Oh, right. Why K2? What’s the significance?’
‘Maybe it’s a story for another time, eh?’ I stood, walked over to my coffee, and drained the mug – despite the vile taste – before getting back to work. Absent-mindedly I thought how strange it was that someone so lovely… I mean someone with such good taste bought such crappy coffee. The conversation died and she’d clearly got the point that the tattoo wasn’t up for discussion. After standing there in silence for a few minutes, she said she was heading back up to the house.
When she’d gone I sat there for a while staring into space. The tap was buggered and needed replacing. And I was trying to think of ways to spend more time with Mallory, so it was perfect. Only for the purposes of making amends for my shitty behaviour.
That was all.
Nothing else.
Not a thing.
When I was packing my tools away, she appeared again. She was showered and dressed, looking fresh and smelling amazing. As I inhaled through my nose and briefly closed my eyes, my blood rushed south. She asked if I was finished and I explained about the tap needing to be replaced. I said I’d be back the day after to fix it, and she seemed concerned that she was putting me out.
She really wasn’t.
‘It’s fine. I’ll squeeze it in. It’s not a massive job. I’ve got to go now ’cause I have a few errands to run before lunch and then I’m working on my boat this afternoon. Plus, I’ll need to shower and get something to eat before I go to the marina.’
‘Oh. I didn’t mean for you to drop everything for me, you know. You could’ve come later, after your jobs and I could’ve made you some sandwiches or something to take away. It’s the least I could do.’
I glanced up at her and caught another nose full of her fragrance. My body’s reaction to her made anger spike within me. It was too soon, and guilt crawled under my skin. ‘I’m quite capable of making my own sandwiches, thank you,’ I snapped and immediately felt shitty. Hello, mouth, allow me to reintroduce my foot. She dropped her gaze, which told me I’d stung her with my words for about the hundredth time. ‘I’ll show myself out,’ I told her as double the guilt descended on me.
As I walked away, my phone rang and I glanced at the caller ID. It was Mairi’s father. My stomach dropped and my heart hammered at my ribcage.
‘Aye, what is it?’ I stood frozen to the spot.
‘It’s Duncan, can you talk?’
‘No, I’m just finishing a job.’
‘Okay, I’ll make it quick. They found a backpack. Thought it was Mairi’s.’
Fuck! ‘Where did they find it?’
‘About a mile away from the last find. It wasn’t hers, but I wanted to let you know they’re still looking.’
‘Aye, okay. Thanks for letting me know.’ I ended the call and shook my head. Despair washed over me at the whole damned situation and the guilt I’d been feeling over my apparent attraction to Mallory intensified. Once again I was reminded that I should be grieving, not thinking about moving on. But in actual fact I was trapped in some kind of limbo; unable to move forward and just as unable to let go of the past.
Filled with sadness, I turned back to Mallory. ‘See you tomorrow.’
*
Once I’d dropped my tools in the Landy, I got in and made my way to the boat. It was a great day for sailing and I felt sure I’d get some tourists along. I had foregone lunch on account of being sick to my stomach over my attitude to Mallory and my guilt over Mairi. Mallory wasn’t to blame so I had to stop acting as if she were. One of these days I’d make her smile instead of frown. It was my goal. I just had to figure out how to go about it.
I pulled on my favourite woolly hat to keep my hair out my face and placed the little sign I’d made ages ago on the marina. It was looking a little worse for wear, and I wondered if I should get Mallory to make me a new one. If she’d ever talk to me again, which was doubtful.
A couple of hours passed and I was contemplating going out on my own, but I could feel eyes on me. And when I turned, it was her. I couldn’t help smiling. ‘Hey, you’re out again. It’s becoming a habit.’
For a minute she seemed pissed off, but I was puzzled as to why. I usually knew what I’d said wrong.
She made her way towards the boat, nodding her head. ‘This is you, then, eh? I hadn’t twigged that you did excursions when you said you were working on your boat this afternoon.’
‘Aye, it’s my day job. You up for a trip out?’ I really hoped she was.
‘Why not? I could do with a bit of fresh air. How many of us will there be?’ Her question made me smirk. The day I’d thought would bring in paying passengers hadn’t brought in a soul.
‘You’re it. Bit of a slow day. I was just about to give up and go out by myself.’
‘Are you sure you want me to tag along?’ She frowned and fidgeted.
‘Aye, why not? I get sick o’ my own company. Get enough of it, day in, day out.’ I held out my hand to her, and her cheeks set on fire. I helped her onto the boat and she immediately thrust a tenner towards me. I wasn’t going to take her money so I waved it away, shaking my head defiantly, and she got the message.
She made small talk about the boat’s name and I told her about my old dog Little Blue that the boat was named for. He was a smashing dog that I had rai
sed from a pup when I lived with my parents.
When I asked her if she wanted the running commentary that I usually gave to passengers, she gave me another puzzled glance, which made me laugh. ‘You know,’ I said, gesturing out at the water. ‘And on my left we have a seal and on my right, oh, look, there’s another seal.’
She laughed too and it was such a lovely sound. ‘No, it’s okay. I just wanted to get some fresh air, to be honest. Colin in the shop recommended a boat trip. Feel free to pretend I’m not here.’
Pretending she wasn’t here was something I knew I couldn’t do. It was nice to be with her and not be pissing her off for a change. We set off on the still water with the slight breeze in our faces. The farther out we got, the chillier it became. Once we had travelled out far enough just to see the land in the distance, I cut the engine and dropped the anchor. I reached down and picked up the flask of coffee I’d brought and handed Mallory a tin cup.
‘Thought we could sit and chill for a bit here – is that okay? It’s usually a good place for seal-spotting.’
She inhaled deeply and looked out at the view. ‘Yes, I suppose. Am I not keeping you from anything? Another job perhaps?’
I took a gulp of the coffee in my cup. ‘Na’, boat trips three days a week, odd jobs two days a week and pub shifts the rest of time… oh, and entertainer at the pub on my nights off now, that’s me.’
‘Crikey! I’m not sure I could keep up with all that. I think I’ll just stick to making stuff, plain and simple.’
She was right. Keeping busy was the thing to do. It was what I’d been doing for the last eight months. ‘Aye, you should do that. It’s good to have something to focus on at times like this.’
She seemed to drift off and a deep melancholy settled over her. I watched her change before my eyes, and my heart ached for the pain I knew she was feeling. I had the same pain.
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my knees. ‘It sounds like a cliché, but it does get easier with time.’ I wanted her to believe that even if I didn’t fully. ‘You just need to keep busy.’ It suddenly dawned on me that that was exactly what I’d been doing these past months since Mairi’s death.
‘Is that what you’re doing with your gazillion different jobs?’ she asked.
I looked up and was met with her beautiful but pained blue eyes. I wanted to comfort her, but as soon as the thought popped into my head, it was followed by guilt. ‘Na’. I like the variety. Don’t get bored that way.’ I didn’t feel like owning up to my true feelings. That would require more introspection and I was scared of what else I might find. I took another gulp of my coffee. ‘Anyway, it’s good that you’re getting out and about. No point sitting and wallowing in self-pity, eh?’ I knew she’d be angry at my harsh words and I hated that I’d actually said them out loud, but it was a way to keep the barriers in place.
‘Thanks for your concern, I think,’ she snapped. ‘But I’m not wallowing, as you so eloquently put it. I’m grieving; there’s a difference.’ Yep, I’d pissed her off, all right. Her brow crumpled and her nostrils flared.
‘Aye, what I meant is you should nae be on your own all the time. If you were my little sister I’d be keeping an eye on you, is all I’m saying.’
‘Well, thankfully I’m not your little sister. I’m a twenty-nine-year-old woman with her own life and I’m fine with Ruby for company, thank you. Don’t be so bloody patronising.’
There was an edge of irritation to her voice. And no wonder really. It was no business of mine what she did. But I knew what’d happened to me, and I figured I’d try to stop it from happening to her too; although I wasn’t too sure why I was so insistent on helping when my input was evidently unwelcome.
I’d really gone and done it, hadn’t I? What was it with me and this bloody woman? Could I ever learn to think about what I said before the words actually fell out my mouth like oral incontinence?
My mind whirred with what I could say to break the tension. ‘So, you made any other friends in the village yet?’ I finally asked.
She snorted. Okay, so she definitely doesn’t count me as a friend. My stomach knotted at her unspoken yet clearly intended words. I’d actually been trying hard with her, despite how it appeared.
She cringed. ‘Sorry. That was mean. I was just surprised to hear you class yourself as my friend,’ she explained. ‘We haven’t exactly got along very well since we met, wouldn’t you agree?’
I forced a smile but was sure my sadness was visible on my face.
She sighed and continued, ‘Great, now it’s my turn to put my foot in it, eh?’
I didn’t know what to say so I figured I’d stay quiet in case I said the wrong thing again.
After a long silence I leaned forward once more. ‘Look, I know I can be an arse, all right? I’ve never had a female friend, I suppose. I’ve two brothers who never dare let me meet their girlfriends for fear I’ll speak to them how I speak to you. I spend a lot of time on my own – by choice, I hasten to add – and I feel sorry for you.’
She sat up straight and glared at me. ‘You feel sorry for me? I don’t want you to go out of your way to be your version of nice simply because you pity me.’ The pitch of her voice rose exponentially with its volume.
My version of nice? Oh, for fuck’s sake! ‘No, you misunderstand me.’ I couldn’t help getting pissed off at my own choice of words. ‘That’s not what I meant. See? This is why I don’t do… this.’ I waved my hand back and forth between us.
She frowned at me. ‘What are you on about? You don’t do what?’
I placed my cup down on the bench beside me and rubbed my hands over my face. ‘Look, that night on the beach, I really felt your pain.’ I paused to think my words through carefully for once. ‘I felt so terrible for what you were going through. I understood… I understand.’ I looked up at the cloudless sky for a moment. ‘It’s not pity, it’s… it’s… argh… What’s the fuckin’ word…? Empathy!’ Finally, the right word came to me. I felt relieved that I could say what I actually meant for once. When I looked over, her lip was quivering and tears were brimming in her eyes.
Oh no. Not again. I leaned towards her, desperate to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything would be okay. But how could I? She would no doubt take my intended act of kindness completely wrong as she took all of my good intentions completely wrong. So instead I sat back and clenched my fists lest they act of their own accord.
I swallowed the familiar lump in my throat. ‘I know how hard it is. You’re in a strange place where you hardly know anyone, and you’ve lost the one person in your life that would’ve made that whole situation okay.’ Needing something to do with my hands, I pulled my hat off and ran my fingers through my hair. ‘I get that. I get what you’re going through. I wanted to help – no, needed to help – but it turns out I keep making it worse.’ She turned her face to me as tears spilled over. ‘Oh, fuck, and now I’ve fuckin’ made you cry again.’
She sniffed and wiped at her eyes. ‘It’s fine. I’m not your responsibility! I get that you understand, but every time I try to ask you anything, you go all mean and moody on me. I have no clue how to take you. If you want to be friends, you have to change how you act around me. I can’t do with trying to second-guess your mood and wondering if I’ve overstepped the mark.’
I slid over to sit close to her – against my earlier better judgement, I might add. Her scent filled my nostrils and my stomach flip-flopped as my heart did its best to make an escape through my ribcage. ‘Right, this is stupid. Can we please just fuckin’ start over, eh?’ Watch the fucking language, McBradden. ‘Fuck, I’m sorry I keep swearing.’
She smirked at me. ‘It’s fucking fine! Just don’t fucking do it again, okay? It’s fucking rude!’ she shouted. I stared at her in shock but then we both cracked up. It felt good to laugh. No, it felt good to laugh with her.
Chapter Eighteen
As we sat there in the boat we both relaxed and the tension between us eased. I began to tel
l her about Mairi and how we met. In fact I told her everything, and it felt cathartic to talk about it all. Once I’d finished, I sat in silence for a while again, but this time the silence was comfortable.
After a few moments I spoke again. ‘You don’t need to feel lonely here,’ I told her. ‘Folk around here are great. They’re warm, friendly people. From what I’ve heard, they all have nice things to say about you. It’s funny, you know, some can move here and are here for years but never fit in. Not you, though. People love you already.’ It was true. The villagers were already fond of her. And why wouldn’t they be? She was a very sweet lassie. I suddenly had a brainwave. A total out-of-left-field idea. ‘Hey, you know what you should do?’
She eyed me suspiciously. ‘Hmm, you seem rather excited, and that worries me.’
‘You need a way to meet people. Stella’s looking for an extra bartender for the evening. I could put a word in for you.’
She looked as if she was thinking about it, and I was quite hopeful but instead she shook her head. ‘But I have no clue how to pull a pint and I can’t add up in my head.’
‘Ah, but I can train you to pull pints. And we have an electronic cash register, you know. We don’t live in the Dark Ages up here.’
‘Okay, well, have a word with her, then. I could come in for a trial to see if I like it and if Stella likes me.’
‘Aye, well, Stella employs me, don’t forget, so being likeable can’t be one of the requirements.’ I laughed and Mallory joined in. I was so glad she was considering this. I knew that Stella would think she was great. There was no doubt in my mind.
*
We arrived back on shore a couple of hours later, and I felt as if we’d really cleared the air. I was a little raw, emotionally, but it was no wonder. I’d talked about Mairi openly for the first time since she died. It was difficult but somehow I felt better. Mallory was a good listener and I appreciated her lending her ear when she was grieving herself.