by Bella Abbott
Because as angry as I’d been, I did love Jared. That wasn’t the issue. It was partly about defending myself from the pain that would come if he walked away for any reason. Even though he’d sworn he wouldn’t, there was still always the chance his feelings would change, or that they weren’t real to begin with. Partly about his shutting me out, making decisions or investigating or whatever he was doing and saying he’d let me know later. And then of course, there were the tiny little immortality and bloodlust problems…
Wade intruded on my morose thoughts with a question. “There’s a market up ahead. You want anything? Bottle of water or soda? Food? We’re going to stop and use the restroom.”
I felt in my pants for the money I still had left. “Not for me. But I’ll treat for anything you guys want.”
Kindra beamed at me in the mirror. “You don’t have to do that, honey.”
“No, seriously. You’re giving me a ride. Or if you’d rather, I can give you some money for gas.”
Wade and Kindra exchanged a look. “Always been the same,” Wade said with a laugh. “Remember the bumper sticker? Gas, grass, or–”
Kindra cut him off. “Ten bucks for gas would go a long way, Lacey. Thanks. I wish we were in a position where it didn’t matter, but, well, until we hit the fair…”
I fished a ten from my pocket and then swapped it for a twenty and handed it to her. “You’ve been more than kind. It’s the least I can do.” I didn’t tell them that the money was as much a payment for the free therapy as for the lift. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when I got to Ridley, but just being around them had forced me to view my thoughts of the prior day through a different lens, and I now was willing to admit I might have created a crisis for all the wrong reasons.
When we stopped at the market, I put in the battery, switched on my cell, and tried to call Jared, but the signal was too weak and the call wouldn’t go through. I swore under my breath and debated returning to the house. But by the time Kindra and Wade emerged from the store, my pride had gotten the better of my hesitation, and I decided to see the trip to Ridley through. If nothing else, I could get some of my stuff. True, I was now willing to admit to myself that I might have acted prematurely. The problem was that there was no definitive way for Jared to prove he could ever find a solution to our problem, which meant I would have to trust him – and the truth was I barely knew him, at least in this lifetime.
And the thought of trusting someone who could break my heart scared me more than anything else.
Except enduring a lifetime without Jared, imprisoned by my fear…that wasn’t any better. Spending just the small amount of time with Kindra and Wade had reminded me that there was something better than living inside my head, surrounded by worst-case scenarios of my own devising.
If they could cobble together happiness out of adversity with only each other, I was being a complete idiot by running from the only chance I had of it, instead of giving it everything I could.
The only question that mattered was whether I could ever be happy knowing that I’d walked away from Jared for all the wrong reasons, rather than staying for the only right one.
Watching Kindra and Wade, I already knew the answer.
Chapter 31
My luck ran out when the van overheated eight miles outside Ridley, still too far to easily walk. Kindra and I stood on the shoulder while Wade carted a scarred metal toolbox from beneath a pile in the back of the van and went to work on the engine.
“This happens every now and then. He always gets it running. Just a matter of what went wrong this time,” Kindra explained.
“You think so?” I asked, doubt coloring my words.
“Oh, sure. He’s a magician when it comes to things like this. We’ve had the van for fifteen…no, seventeen years, and it’s never let us down yet.”
I stared at the vehicle for a moment. “Looks older than that,” I observed.
Kindra laughed. “Of course it is. We bought it used. It’s more like thirty. But still has a lot of life left in it.” She lowered her voice. “I hope.”
I eyed the van. “What do you do the day it doesn’t?”
She sighed. “We cross that bridge when we come to it. Nothing lasts forever, but I have faith in Wade, and as long as we can scrape together enough to buy a part here and there, it should keep going as long as we do.”
I nodded and glanced down the road. “Do you ever think about settling down in one place?”
“Oh, we talk about it all the time. We love Sedona, in Arizona, and also Santa Cruz, out on the California coast, at least when it isn’t raining. Whenever we really think it through, though, we both say the same thing.”
“Which is?”
She gave me a wry grin. “Maybe next year.”
I thought for a moment. “No kids?”
Kindra shook her head. “Something’s wrong with my plumbing. The universe decided for me. I went to doctors, but there was nothing they could do. So I just made peace with the idea and kept pushing forward. Sometimes that solves a lot of problems – perseverance is really underrated.”
I thought about my own situation in light of Kindra’s philosophy, and if it was possible to feel even worse about my choice, I did. Was I deserving of the kind of love I wanted if at the first hint of doubt I walked away? Was I not doing exactly what I’d been afraid Jared was going to do if I couldn’t fit in with his glamorous lifestyle?
Most importantly, how could I reasonably expect to be treated any differently than I treated others? Especially Jared, who’d told me multiple times that his greatest fear was losing me again.
Kindra must have intuited my inner turmoil, because she regarded me silently for a long beat.
“Nothing’s ever as bad as it seems, Lacey,” she offered. “You learn that as you get older. Trust me.”
“I…I think I’ve made a big mistake,” I muttered sheepishly, avoiding meeting her gaze.
“That’s what landed you on the road?”
I nodded.
She smiled sympathetically. “I have yet to see mistakes that can’t be fixed with some honesty…and humility.”
I looked up at her. “How…how did you know?”
She laughed. “I was young once. Maybe a million years ago, but I still remember how it felt. Pride’s a strange thing – the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the less you need it to prop yourself up. Sometimes that just takes time to figure out. Nobody was around to tell me that when I was your age, but I wish there had been. It would have saved me a lot of trouble.” She paused. “There. That’s my good deed for the day.”
I shook my head. “Second one. You gave me a ride.”
Kindra chuckled. “You got me there. Anyhow, you seem like you’re a smart lady. You’ll figure out the right path. Mostly I do it by discarding the wrong ones. Whatever’s left is usually it.”
I sighed. “I wish it were that easy.”
“The way Wade keeps the van ticking along is, he breaks the problem down to something simple, and then he fixes it. Like now – he’s troubleshooting all the possible reasons it gave up the ghost. Eventually he’ll figure out what went wrong, and why – by the side of the road, with little more than a screwdriver and his wits. It’s a motor with hundreds of parts, all working together to achieve an end in a really complex way. But if he thought of it that way, he’d likely throw up his hands and never figure it out.” She kicked a pebble aside. “What’s that old saying about the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time? There’s a lot of truth to that. Otherwise it seems too big to tackle. Whatever it is that’s bothering you – and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts it’s a boy – it isn’t too big. Break it down to what you really want and what needs to happen to get it, and whether it’s worth the price you’ll wind up paying. Because there’s always a price. If it isn’t worth it, then there’s your answer. If it is, then you’ll figure out what to do.”
I stood on the shoulder of the road, mulling over this kind stranger’s
words of wisdom, and felt a pang of sudden loneliness. My father should have been the one to be telling me these truths, not some hippie artist. Or my mom – although she’d never known me at all.
Whatever the reason, Kindra’s advice struck a chord in me; it resonated with essential truth. What did I really want, and what was I willing to do to get it?
Wade cried out in triumph, and his bearded face appeared from the engine compartment. “I got it. Thermostat’s frozen. Gonna need a new one in Ridley.”
“Is that a big deal?” I asked.
“Shouldn’t be. Normally I’d nose around and see if I could find a wrecking yard that has a used one, but Ridley’s not that big, so might have to pay retail.” He shrugged. “That twenty will be well spent.”
“Can we make it there like this?”
Wade grinned. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
He reassembled the motor and we piled back into the van. We crawled along at a snail’s pace, pausing regularly to allow the engine to cool down. Once in town, I parted ways with them and sprang for a cab to the academy. I got the same driver as when I’d arrived at the bus station, but now I was seeing everything through new, and perhaps wiser, eyes.
I was crossing the field toward the dorms when a familiar blond figure beelined toward me from the cafeteria. My shoulders sagged at the sight of Alex making his way to intercept me, and I slowed, resigned to chatting with him for a few moments before heading to the room. He stopped a few feet away, his expression neutral, and glanced at the duffel before meeting my eyes.
“Hey. Missed you in class the last couple of days.”
I nodded. “Yeah. Something came up.”
“Rumor mill says an accident?”
I frowned a little. “Scary. Hit and run. But I’m fine.”
“Where did it happen?”
“Upstate,” I said, hoping my brevity would signal I didn’t want to discuss it.
“Well, it’s good to see that you’re okay,” he said. “Nobody else was hurt?”
“Everyone’s going to live,” I said, checking my watch. “Thanks for asking, Alex. Now I have to get going. See you around.”
“Yeah. Um, okay. I’d like that.”
I exhaled in relief as I continued to the dorms, and then remembered my phone. I switched it on and, when I had a signal, texted Kate.
I’m back at Ridley. Heading to the room. See you guys after class
Next, I thumbed Jared’s cell number. It went directly to voicemail, and I swore as I listened to the automated greeting before leaving a message.
“Jared, it’s me. I…it’s a long story, but…I took off. I’m at school. Before you go nuts over it, I want to talk to you and explain. So please, just call me when you can talk. I’d like to see you in person.” I hesitated. “Maybe if you’re shooting tonight? I could come to the set. Just let me know.”
I hung up, wondering when he’d put his battery back in his phone and get my message. I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain the conclusion I’d come to on the drive, but I wasn’t going to let that stand in my way. I’d figure it out, as Kindra had recommended. What was important was that I knew I didn’t want to live without Jared, just as he’d made clear he didn’t want to spend his eternity without me. From that, everything would follow.
How, I still had no idea.
The room was empty, as I expected; at this time my roommates would all still be in class. I unpacked the duffel and stared at all the new clothes on my bed, most still with tags, laid out like trophies while Cyrus greeted my return with loud purrs and incessant leg rubbing. Each item reminded me of Jared, of course, since he’d helped to pick them out, and all I had to do was close my eyes to see the flash of his smile and the twist of his lips into his trademark grin.
I shook off the melancholy as I finished my project, and sat heavily on the bed. Cyrus jumped up and plopped down beside me, as though sensing my mood and wanting to comfort me. I remained like that for a half hour as I worked through what I was willing to give in order to get what I wanted now that I was completely sure about it. The little voice in my head that tormented me with my inadequacies argued to hold back in order to protect myself, and I spent much of my time trying to silence it – I was done letting my fear determine my outcomes.
My phone didn’t ring, no matter how many times I picked it up, and as the hour grew later, I thought about what I was going to tell my roommates. I’d already decided that I would sacrifice my grades and remain with Jared as long as it took for him to deal with the hunters – I would just have to work that much harder to make up for the lost time. I could maybe invent a story of a sick relative or a pressing issue of some sort that would keep me away the rest of the week. If that wasn’t long enough, I’d deal with it then. Maybe take a semester off?
Serena was the first through the door, and when she saw me, she squealed and ran to me with outstretched arms.
“You’re back!”
I returned her hug with a smile. “Yeah. For a little while, anyway.”
Her grin turned into a concerned look. “What? Why? Is everything okay?”
“I have to take care of some stuff, so I’m bailing on the rest of the week. There’s no getting around it,” I said, keeping it vague. I wanted to take no chances of anything I said making it into the gossip mill, even if it was already too late to undo the past.
“Whoa.” She studied my face for a beat. “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, I suppose. Is there anything I can help with?”
I shook my head. “No. Thanks, though.”
“What about the last four days? You were with Jared the entire time?”
“A lot of it,” I admitted.
Kate and Sarah arrived and they clustered around my bed. “So tell us everything,” Sarah said. “And I mean everything. I want details. Photos. Positions. Numbers. You’re not leaving this room until you give it up.”
“Was it amazing?” Kate asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s everything you can imagine, and more.”
“Where did you go? What did you do?” Sarah demanded.
“We drove around a lot. Stayed at some cool little bed-and-breakfasts. It was a good way to get to know each other.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “I’ll say. How many times did you…?”
“I’m not going to talk about that kind of stuff. Sorry, Sarah. But I’m not,” I said firmly.
“What? Of course you are! What else is there to talk about? Come on. I’m taking notes.”
“Sorry. I mean it.”
Kate shook her head. “Really? You disappear with a rock star, and all we get is some crummy excuse instead of the hot details?”
“It’s still new, Kate. I don’t mean to be a buzzkill, but it’s really personal, and I’m not sure how things are going to work out. I don’t want to jinx anything.” I paused. “I’ll share when I’m ready, not before.”
My roommates’ faces radiated disappointment, but Serena nodded reluctantly and nudged Kate’s arm. “I do feel like we’re ganging up on her a little.”
“Because we are,” Sarah said. “We have a need to know. It’s dorm rules, isn’t it?”
Kate sighed. “No. Serena’s right.” She turned back to me. “Will you at least tell us if you…?”
Sarah snorted. “They were together for four days.”
“We had a nice time,” I said innocently, enjoying torturing Sarah rather than allowing myself to be cowed into discussing things. “He’s a great guy.”
Sarah spun and made for the door. “I can find out more about Jared on the web than Lacey’s telling us. This totally sucks.”
We watched her storm out, and Kate offered an apologetic smile. “She’s taken it personally.”
“I got that.”
“Don’t worry. She’ll chill in a while. I think she’s a little jealous, frankly. First you’re working the movie, and then you wind up with Jared. It’s a lot for her to deal with.”
“So I see.” I p
aused. “How about you and Robert?”
Kate blushed and looked down. “That’s going really well. We’ve been hanging out a lot, getting to know each other. But we’re also not rushing into anything.”
“Good for you. I mean that.”
“Lacey’s taking off again,” Serena announced.
Kate’s forehead furrowed. “You are? Why? Because of Jared?”
“No, it’s… I have kind of an emergency thing I need to take care of. But I’ll be back soon.”
I reassured them that I wasn’t dying or running from the law, and then told them I was beat and needed a nap. They agreed to be quiet for an hour, and I curled up with Cyrus for company and closed my eyes, praying with each beat of my heart that my phone would ring so I could embark on the next phase of my life.
Chapter 32
My sleep was filled with dreams of Jared refusing to return my call, laughing at my pathetic message while surrounded with gorgeous female vampires in provocative outfits. Even though I knew even while I was dreaming that it wasn’t real, when I awoke a ball of acid was burning in my stomach and my heart was pounding.
The girls weren’t anywhere in evidence. I took the opportunity to pack my duffel with the items I would need for a weeklong stay, pushing any images of Jared’s imagined infidelity or indifference from my mind. I reminded myself that I wasn’t going to allow my imagination to ruin my reality anymore. That much had coalesced from my discussion with Kindra.
When I finished, I stared at the bag for several moments, wondering whether I should try Jared again. If he didn’t call, I figured I could stay at the dorm for the night. Here in my room, his concerns over vampire hunters now seemed as distant as New York, and I wondered again at the odd reality I was inhabiting – where all my beliefs about what was normal and logical had been upended, and the truth was the opposite of the common wisdom. It would have been easy to dismiss the events of the last few days as hallucinations, except for the vivid memory of Jared’s lack of a heartbeat and the ease with which he lifted his car.