by Leddy Harper
“It’s a simple mistake, Finn. Could’ve happened to anyone.” Truthfully, it couldn’t have happened to anyone, but regardless, it was a genuine mistake. “Not to mention, it’s a really easy fix.”
“The problem is how much time it’s already taken, and now it’s going to take even more to make it right. There were only eight people. Which means you only had eight boxes to deliver. And the boxes were all clearly marked with their names. All that was left to do was match them with the cabin numbers and drop them off. So far, three have arrived, and none of them have the right packages. How are they supposed to try on the outfits in preparation for the photoshoot if they don’t even have the right sizes? Hell, one chick was given men’s clothing!”
“I know, and I’m sorry.” It was becoming harder and harder to hold back my emotions. Tears stung the backs of my eyes, while years of compounded frustration furled in my fingertips. None of which I could let him see. Just my luck, he’d find a way to get pissed about that, too.
“Listen to me. We are on a tight schedule for the next few days. All of the fittings have to be done before the Urban Wear store in town closes, because if these people don’t have anything to wear, then we won’t even have a photoshoot. Not to mention, I’ve got to finish getting the location list together for the photographer. We have group shots tomorrow, and then two days of individual shoots, with only one day to retake any that didn’t turn out right. I don’t have time to go behind you and fix all your simple mistakes, or finish what I’ve asked you to help me with.”
Gritting my teeth, I snatched the paper from his hand and stormed off.
How did things go from bad to worse so quickly?
As I marched to the office once again, I did so with determination. Until he dropped me off at my place on Sunday, I wouldn’t give him one more solitary reason to flip out on me. I’d do what he asked of me, and I’d do it right, even if that meant I had to call Gia and have her help me.
By six in the evening, everyone had received the correct packages, and all the clothes had been tried on and fit. Which meant Finn didn’t have to rush to the store to exchange anything. Foolishly, I thought that would make him happy, but when I had called to tell him the good news, he grumbled something along the lines of, “it’s about time something goes my way,” and then hung up.
At least I didn’t have to deal with him for the time being, considering he wasn’t around when I got back. I hadn’t eaten all day, but the last thing I wanted to do was go out in search of food. So I called the front desk and had them drop off a cheeseburger and fries, which I ate while soaking in a hot bath with a glass of white zin.
Finn was back by the time I got out of the tub. And as soon as I vacated the bathroom, he slipped in to take a shower—something I had to figure out on my own when I heard the water turn on. Annoyed and tired, I shook off my irritation and got ready for bed, making sure I was beneath the covers before he reentered the room. Not that I wore something skimpy to bed or anything, but because I wanted to limit our interactions when he exited the bathroom.
The less I had to deal with him, the better.
Too bad I couldn’t fall asleep that easily, which left me having to pretend. But once he climbed into his bed—only a few feet from mine—I couldn’t hold it in anymore. If I didn’t say something now, he’d either be kept up or woken up by the sobs that threatened to escape.
“I have a hard time focusing when I’m really stressed, or if I’ve got a lot of anxiety.” I waited a moment in the dark room to see if he was still awake. When I heard the rustling of his sheets, I assumed he was and continued. “Things get jumbled up in my mind, and when I mess up, it gets worse.”
He was quiet for so long that I wondered if he hadn’t been awake after all. But then his raspy, tired voice broke through the silence when he asked, “Why didn’t you just tell me that earlier? Had I known, things could’ve been a lot different. But instead, I was left to assume that you slacked off because you didn’t want to do any work.”
“Why would you even think that? All I’ve done today is work.”
“Yeah…you took all day to do one thing. One thing that should’ve taken half the time it did, and then it was done incorrectly. It felt like you were dragging that one task out to keep from having to do anything else.”
I took a deep breath to hold back the tears that stung my eyes. I respected Finn so much, and to hear that he’d automatically assume so little of me hurt. “Well, I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That clearly wasn’t my intent.”
More rustling came from his bed, and when he spoke again, I realized he’d turned to the side to face me. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered and then turned on my side to face him, even though we couldn’t see each other in the dark. “I guess I have a hard time admitting that to people. It’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I got made fun of a lot, so as I got older, I found ways to hide it to keep anyone from finding out.”
“Finding out what, though? That you suffer from anxiety?”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “Yeah.”
“Why would anyone make fun of you for that?”
“Because kids can be cruel, and sometimes, adults can be even crueler. And it’s not so much the anxiety that’s the issue. I’ve learned over the years to manage that on my own. It’s only when it becomes too much for me that everything starts getting really jumbled. It’s like my brain shuts down, and then I feel stupid, which only serves to compound the issue.”
“For fuck’s sake.” His harsh whisper flooded the otherwise quiet room, but it was obvious he hadn’t directed that comment at me, more of a spoken thought. “Do me a favor, Mady…don’t ever feel stupid around me. I, too, have dealt with my fair share of ridicule growing up, so please know that I’ll be the last person to judge you.”
I wanted to point out that he had, in fact, judged me last night and today by assuming I was lazy and didn’t want to work. But I didn’t want to continue the bad feelings between us. I’d rather squash it. So instead, I uttered a quiet, “Thank you,” and then settled in for sleep.
Thankfully, the atmosphere had changed for the better by the next morning. As much as I didn’t want to have that talk with him, it proved to be for the best. He wasn’t as tense, which made being around him so much easier. As the sun began to rise on our very busy day, we walked around outside while he showed me the spots he’d scoped out the day before.
“Wow, Finn. These settings are breathtaking.” I wasn’t really a wilderness girl, but the locations he’d picked left me in awe. The air was so clean and clear up here that it left me with a different perspective. I could imagine myself coming back to a place like this and staying to decompress—just as long as there was no tent-pitching involved and Wi-Fi was offered.
A girl had her priorities.
“You really think so?”
I nodded and shot him a grin. “They’re perfect.”
“This place has so much to offer that it’s almost impossible to pick a bad spot. So, it wasn’t a difficult job, per se.”
We continued our hike through the trees, following the dirt path, and I was thankful I’d brought along good walking shoes for the trip. I giggled at the thought of traipsing through this terrain in heels.
“What’s so funny?”
“I was just thinking about how difficult this walk would’ve been had I worn stilettos instead of these boots.”
“Really?” His brow creased, and the look he shot me—as if what I’d said was ridiculous—instantly made me self-conscious. “Why would anyone wear heels out here?”
I began to chew my bottom lip in earnest before I offered a quick shrug. “Well, I mean, that’s what we’re wearing for our individual shots, so I didn’t think the idea was that strange.”
“Wait…you guys are wearing high heels in the photoshoot?”
“Only the solo ones—we’ve got boots and
sandals to wear for the group shots. But I thought it would be fun, considering it’s the wilderness and all, to pair their pumps with the outfits. I spoke to all the girls last week, and we all had a pair, so that saved Urban Wear from having to supply those as well.
He was quiet for a moment, once again making me second-guess what I’d said. But then he turned to me, his eyes bright, and smiled wildly. “That’s actually brilliant!”
Shocked by his unexpected outburst, I nearly tripped and face-planted in the dirt. “What?”
Finn laughed, which helped to calm me considerably. “Does it surprise you that I’m impressed with your idea? Honestly, Mads, I think it’s genius.” He genuinely appeared excited. “It’ll show how diverse the clothing is, and the pictures will grab people’s attention while scrolling through social media.”
I mentally patted myself on the back, proud I’d been able to come up with something that had made him so happy. I didn’t normally question my vision for things, especially posts. There was a reason I’d made it this far without intending to become an influencer in the first place. But for some reason, when it came to Finn, I constantly second-guessed everything. I blamed it on the fact that he was a guy, and regardless of my success, I’d always had somewhat of an inferiority complex when it came to men.
Just goes to show that anyone can have daddy issues, regardless of being a daddy’s girl. Which I was. But when I was little, my dad would tell me, “Be quiet, Mady. Wait and don’t speak. It’ll save you from sounding ignorant.” He’d meant well, I didn’t doubt that, but it’d ended up leaving me feeling like a dumbass for most of my childhood. Granted, his advice had gotten me through school, especially with teachers who didn’t know how to deal with a student like me. They could never understand how I’d manage to get such high scores on tests when I struggled to complete my daily work.
My saving grace, though, had been Gia. She never hesitated to help me when I needed it, which was why I’d called her yesterday. Truth be told, she was the reason I had as much confidence as I did.
On the way back to the cabin, Finn spoke excitedly, using his hands as he went through the day’s events again, which made me eager to get started. It was the first time since we’d gotten here yesterday that I had let my guard down and finally relaxed.
Although, that didn’t last long.
The group photos were scheduled for after breakfast, so we didn’t have long before it was go-time. The excitement could be felt in the air as soon as we made it back to the cabin. More importantly, the good mood that Finn had woken up in seemed to have gotten even better after our walk. So I decided it was the perfect time to give him the gift I’d been saving for him.
“Wait.” I stopped him from leaving our cabin and pulled out a shopping bag from beneath my bed. I’d hidden it there shortly after arriving, and it was nice to finally give it to Finn. “I got you something to wear.”
“What is it?” He stared at me suspiciously.
“Just an Urban Wear outfit. Well, technically, there are a few in there, but that’s only because I had to guess at what size you wore. So they gave me a few different options.” If nothing fit, I would more than likely spend all morning crying in the corner. I’d held onto this for over a week, and if it fell apart because I lacked the ability to estimate someone’s size, it would be the end of the world.
He glanced between the bag in my hand and the duffle he’d set out on his bed. “Then what was the point in packing half my closet?”
“Well, for all we know, these won’t fit.” I had a hard time refraining from laughing when he rolled his eyes at me. I had to admit that it was nice to finally have things back to normal between us. “Everyone here has brand-new duds to wear. I thought it was only fair if you had something new, too.”
“Wow. I actually don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you did this.” He took the bag and started to peruse the contents.
“Do you want to wear it to the shoot today?” I tried to be inconspicuous about it, but he needed to wear the outfit in order to go along with my plan.
“I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea since everyone else will be dressed in their clothes.”
While he was in the bathroom getting dressed, I used the opportunity to go through my box to set aside the outfits I’d need for the rest of the day. Organization was something that saved me. If I could keep things organized, then I wouldn’t get as anxious and feel out of control. It had been a technique I’d learned as a teenager. My mom told me that when I’d turned that corner, it had made her life so much easier. She no longer had to ride me to clean my room or pick up after myself, because when I automatically did it, things weren’t as jumbled in my brain.
“Oh, wow. This is absolutely breathtaking.” Jennifer, one of the girls in the shoot, faced the rolling hills that served as the backdrop for the final shot of the day. She was a mother of four with her own blog, who had actually taught me a few posting tips throughout the day.
Sine this was our last group photo, Finn had planned it so that we could get the sun setting behind the hills in the background. I’d been dying to tell him about my surprise, but as the time grew closer, nerves set in.
When the photographer placed everyone in the correct positions, I blurted out, “Finn, come join us!”
He stared at me, confusion marring his smooth brow, and then glanced at the photographer, who was already expecting him to be part of the last shot. I wanted him to feel included, and he’d done so much prep work for this campaign that he deserved to be a part of it. I thought it would be a lovely remembrance for him.
“Come on, Finn.” I waved my arm to encourage him, but he stayed firmly planted in place.
To my delight, all the participants urged him on until he finally gave in and joined us.
The photographer placed him to my right, and that’s when I noticed how rigid he was.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Except he didn’t look fine. He looked anything but. His limbs were stiff, and his shoulders were up. I couldn’t understand why he’d behave this way, and it nearly made me regret involving him. It was a harmless photoshoot. Why couldn’t he just go with it and have fun?
“Here we go. Positions, please.” As soon as the sun dipped below the green hills behind us, the photographer began to bark out orders in rapid-fire. We were on the sun’s clock, so our time was limited. Without a word, we all followed his direction and held our poses. Then finally, he called out, “That’s a wrap!”
Everyone whooped and hollered, happy with the success of our first day, and then we all went our separate ways, agreeing to meet up first thing in the morning for solo shots. I was on a high…until I noticed the way Finn almost sulked as he walked back to the cabin with me.
“Are you okay?” I asked tentatively.
“Fine.” There was that one-word answer again. He didn’t have to tell me what was wrong, but he definitely wasn’t okay, and the tone he’d used spoke volumes.
Finn’s mood had turned, and I had no idea why. Everything had gone perfectly and as planned. He had no reason to be upset, yet he seemed madder than a hornet. As we neared the cabin, I fought the urge to bolt and run down the path in the opposite direction.
What had crawled up his butt and died?
10
Finn
The walk back to the cabin was tough. Mady had completely thrown me under the bus and didn’t seem to care—or have a clue what she’d done. I wasn’t mad at her; the anger I felt was toward myself.
“Are you okay?” Her voice seemed small and worried, which only fueled my miserableness.
“Fine.” It was the only thing I could muster. I didn’t want to make her feel anxious. I’d felt awful after listening to her explain it last night, and I never wanted to be the cause of her anxiety ever again. It just served as a reminder of how much we still didn’t know about each other.
The closer we got to our cabin, the more nervous she became. And the more nervous she beca
me, the worse I felt, which made my footfalls even louder against the packed-dirt trail. When we got the door, I couldn’t handle the silence any longer, so I stopped and turned to her.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, my voice a concoction of bitterness and concern.
“What for?” Her brows knitted together, the crease between them deepening while her gaze searched my face for answers. “I’m pretty sure I should be the one saying sorry, but I don’t know what I did. I hate giving blanketed apologies, which makes it difficult when you won’t tell me what’s wrong. So I don’t even know where to begin.”
I grabbed her hands in mine—to shut her up, but also to halt her frantic movements. “You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s me. God, Mads. You have no idea.” I pulled her into my chest and rested my cheek on top of her head. It must’ve surprised her, because she stood there for a moment before wrapping her arms around me.
“You’re freaking me out, Finn.” Her words were muffled against my shirt.
I tried to gather the words I needed to form an explanation, except nothing came. I had no idea how to express myself without my mood getting in the way. But one thing was for sure, this conversation didn’t need to be had outside. So I dropped my arms, pulled away, and said, “Let’s go inside and talk,” as I held the door open for her.
Mady took a seat on her bed, and I mirrored her on mine so we faced one another. It was important that she looked at me as I tried to explain myself, even though it was hard to look at her while I spoke my truth. And the longer we sat there, the harder it was to form words, until I gave in and uttered the first thing that came to me. “I have a bad habit of jumping to the worst conclusions first.”
“I’m confused. What conclusion did you jump to?”
I let out a long sigh and decided to just go for it. After all, it wasn’t like it was a secret or something I never wanted her to find out. One flip through any of my yearbooks, and she could’ve figured it out on her own.