by Chloe Walsh
"I went to court with Mam yesterday," Darren pushed on, ignoring Joey's comments. "We applied for a safety order against him. There'll be a hearing in three weeks' time, one he'll be expected to attend, but we were issued with a temporary protection order against him. He's barred from the house, from making contact with any of you."
"He should be done for attempted fucking murder," Joey spat.
"I agree," Darren replied. "I want him gone, too, Joe. I hate him just as much as you do."
"Doubtful," Joey sneered. "Very fucking doubtful."
Darren sighed heavily. "You want to do this, Joe? Have a competition over who had it hardest? Or do you want to get this family back on track?"
"There is no family," Joey countered heatedly. "That's what you're missing."
"We're still a family," Darren said quietly. "And we'll be a stronger one if we're all united."
"With her," Joey strangled out, looking truly distressed. "Finish what you started," he demanded. "We'll be stronger with her." Joey shook his head and laughed humorlessly. "What a fucking joke."
"Where is she?" I asked nervously.
"At home with Nanny and your brothers."
My heart sank. "Why?"
"Why?" Darren frowned. "What do you mean why?"
"I mean why is she still here?" I strangled out, fisting the sheets beneath me.
"Finally!" Joey chorused, throwing his hands up in the air. "Finally, someone gets it!"
"She's as much of a victim as any of us," Darren said slowly. "I know you guys don’t feel that way right now, and I completely get that, but you have to understand that she's been through –"
"Bullshit," Joey sneered. "Bull-fucking-shit, Darren! She's not a victim. She's an enabler. She enabled him to do this." He pointed to where I was sitting. "She's as much to blame for Shannon being in here as he is."
"Joey, come on."
"No." Joey shook his head. "Maybe she was a victim the first time he put his hands on her. Hell, maybe the first ten. I'll give her that. She was young and thick. But twenty-four years?" He shook his head. "No, she did this to us, Darren. She had a hand in this."
"Have you ever thought about why there's so many of us? Why she kept having children with that man? Why she wouldn't leave?" Darren snapped, glaring at the both of us. "Or why she's all fucked up in the head like she is? Have you ever thought maybe she stayed because she was terrified he would follow through on his threats? We've all heard the 'I'll kill you and the children if you leave me' speech he's been feeding her – since she was fifteen year's old! For Christ's sake, that man spent two decades breaking her down and telling her that he would kill her if she left! Don't you think that might have fucked her up in the head? Did you ever consider that she was there against her will? Having children against her will? Being raped and beaten and mentally abused to the point where she lost touch with reality? She was fifteen year's old when she had me – fourteen when she was pregnant!" he added. "Think about that for a minute. Think about how fucking frightened she must have been when she was thrown into a life with that monster. She doesn't have a mother or father to show her the way. All she had in the whole fucking world was him. She was a baby having babies and it broke her!"
"I don't want to hear it," Joey barked. "I'm not listening to any more excuses."
"Have either of you ever thought about why she voluntarily put us into care?" Darren pressed, tone hard. "Well, have you?"
"She was sick," Joey sneered.
"She wasn't sick," Darren snarled. "She was trying to get us away from him. She was trying to save us from something she couldn't save herself from."
"Then why didn't she leave us there?" Joey roared. "Maybe we would have had a fighting fucking chance."
"You know why," Darren shot back, shaking now. "You know!" He inhaled several calming breaths before continuing. "She was afraid that it would happen to you, too. She was scared and pregnant with Tadhg –"
"So, because you got raped, we got brought home to be tortured?" Joey demanded. "Is that it? Two wrongs make a right? Because that's some fucked up logic, if you ask me."
"Joey!" I strangled out. "Don't!"
"I'm sorry that happened to him," Joey shot back, shaking. "I'm so fucking sorry that happened to you, Darren, I really am. But I got punished for it." He waved a hand between us. "We all did."
"It's okay, Joe," I coaxed, desperate to comfort him. "Don't get upset."
"It's not okay!" he strangled out. "Jesus Christ, I should have taken you all out of that house years ago. I should have called it in. I knew this would happen –" His voice cracked and he dragged in a harsh breath. "But they scared me – made me doubt myself!" He glared at Darren. "You terrorized me into believing that living with him was better than what was out there." Tears burned in his green eyes but he blinked them away. "I had the best six months of my life with that family. So did she –" he pointed a finger at me. "We were happy with that family. We were safe! But you and Mam convinced me there was danger, that it was safer at home." Slamming the heel of his hand against his forehead, he hissed, "I was six years old and you fucked my head so bad that I can't trust anything now. I can't even trust my own fucking instincts."
"I was afraid of it happening to you," Darren strangled out. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to keep you safe –"
"By terrorizing me! You made me believe you and you left!" Joey roared, shaking from head to toe. "You made me trust you! I was twelve and you walked out that door and dropped it all on my shoulders. And then I terrorized them! I told them all the same shit you told me, filled them up with all the same fears and paranoia, because that's all I knew. And look at us now!"
"I'm sorry for leaving you, Joe." Shuddering, Darren dropped his head. "But I had to go –"
"Yeah, and I'm sorry for believing you!" Shaking violently, Joey hissed, "I won't make the same mistake twice."
There was a long stretch of silence before Darren spoke again. "Look," he said gruffly. "I don't have all the answers for you guys, but I know I can't turn my back on our mother."
"I can," Joey offered tersely. "Easily."
"For the first time in her life, she is fighting back," Darren bit out. "She is trying to do the right thing by us. She's not a bad person and you both know that. She's a frightened woman who let her fears make terrible decisions for her."
"Her bad decisions nearly killed us," Joey shot back. "They put my sister in a hospital bed."
"Our father put our sister in a hospital bed," Darren corrected. "Don't let your anger cloud your logic, Joey."
"I'm not doing this," Joey hissed, throwing his hands up. "I'm not. I'm not going to listen to you justify her reasons for letting that bastard do this to us."
"All I'm saying is that it's not all black and white," Darren replied before turning back to me. "The Gardaí will be here later on in the day to take your statement. You'll either need Mam or me to be present with you when that happens."
"No." Anxiety was churning inside of me, festering away at all that was good and pure until I was nothing but a trembling mess. "I don’t want to do this."
"It's okay," Darren said gently. "We'll talk it through and you'll have nothing to worry about."
"It can be me if you want, Shan," Joey interjected. "Doesn’t have to be them."
"The last thing you need is to be around Gardaí in your condition," Darren growled. "What was it this time? Are you back on the –"
"Glad to hear your special phone calls with Mam kept you in the family loop," Joey spat. "Pity she didn't tell you about the actual problems we were having – oh wait, she probably did, and you just went right ahead and blocked it out. Must be nice to have a conscience with an off-switch. Selective hearing must feel fucking fabulous."
"Stop," I groaned. "Please."
"There's a social worker lurking around outside," Darren announced, turning back to me and dutifully ignoring Joey. He pulled at his blue tie and popped the top button of his crisp, white shirt before
continuing, "You'll have to talk to her alone, of course, but once we all have our story straight, it should be fairly straightforward."
"Our story straight?" Whatever ounce of self-restraint Joey had been clinging to evaporated the moment those words came out of Darren's mouth. "Fuck that!" Jerking to his feet, he began to pace the room. "No more goddamn stories." Running a hand through his blond hair, he tugged at the ends and growled. "No more."
"I'm not asking any of you to lie," Darren replied. "I'm simply saying we need to rally around Mam –"
"You're asking her to omit the truth," Joey countered. "To leave out the parts where Mam covered up what he did to us – where she stood by and watched. Where she did nothing. And in my book, an omission of truth is a fucking lie."
"Well, if you want to stay together, then I suggest you accept her and get with the fucking program," Darren barked, losing his cool. "Because this is how I keep you guys together, okay? If we don’t have her, if she's seen as anything other than what she is – a victim of domestic violence who did her best for her children – then Shannon, Ollie, Tadhg, and Sean might as well pack their bags now. And god knows where they'll send you. It'll be new schools, new homes, new friends, new fucking strangers. If you want that, then go right ahead and fight me on this, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can make this work, guys."
"I can’t." Joey walked over and gripped the window sill with so much force, I was surprised he didn’t tear it off. "I can't do this anymore," he muttered to himself. "I can't keep living like this."
"Joe," I croaked out. "It's okay –"
"No," his voice cracked. "No, Shan," he whispered, keeping his back to me. "It's really not."
"We have another issue," Darren added, breaking the palpable tension.
Tearing my eyes off Joey's back, I looked back to Darren. "What?"
"Johnny Kavanagh."
Joey grunted in what sounded like approval.
"Wh-what?" Shaking my head, I fought down the tsunami of butterflies trying to claw their way out of my throat. "What does Johnny have to do with any of this?"
"Fucker figured it out on his own," Joey muttered to himself, keeping his back to us. "Must be worth something after all."
"He's making a right nuisance of himself," Darren confirmed grimly. "Calling the Garda station morning, noon, and night. He's had four Garda cars out to the house since yesterday."
"Wh-what?" Now I did clutch my temples as the throbbing in my brain threatened to kill me. "How does he know?"
"Don't worry, Shan. It's a good thing he knows," Joey piped up. "You don’t have to lie for these people anymore."
"Can you just shut the hell up?" Darren snapped. "I'm trying to fix this and you're not helping matters."
"Because this isn’t fixable," Joey tossed back. "I know it, Shannon knows it – Christ, even Sean knows it, and he's three!"
"I don’t know what you told your boyfriend, Shannon, but you need to make him stop," Darren stated, turning his attention back to me. "He's interfering in something he knows nothing about."
"I haven't told him anything," I breathed, heart racing at the thought of Johnny. "And he's not my –"
"You're barking up the wrong tree if you think you'll keep her fella quiet," Joey scoffed. "Not everyone can be put in a box, Darren."
"Joey, for the love of god, can you just stop talking!" Darren snarled. "If you're not here to help, then go home."
"Fine, I'll go," Joey hissed. "Because I'm having no part in this." Swinging around, he glared at Darren. "If you want to lie and fuck these kids up further by keeping that woman in their lives, then go right ahead, I clearly can't stop you, but I'm done being a pawn in this game. I've done my time."
"It's not a game, Joey," Darren growled. "This is our lives."
"Then I don’t want this life," Joey strangled out, face flushed. "If this is how we have to live, then I don’t want to be here."
"Joe –"
"I'll see ya later, Shan," Joey croaked out before stalking towards the door. "I'm out."
I watched, frozen to the bed, as Joey stormed out, letting the door slam shut behind him. I didn’t want him to go. Being left alone with Darren was the last thing I wanted to happen, not because I feared him, but because I didn’t know him. He was a man now; a man who, by the look of his designer suit and expensive looking watch, I had very little in common with.
"What are you now?" I asked, disappointed with myself for allowing my curiosity to get the better of me. With my wire clad hand, I gestured to his clothes. "What do you do?"
Darren leaned back in his chair, eyes locked on mine. "I work for an international IT company." Shifting in his chair, he pulled on his tie again. "I'm based in their Belfast branch."
"So, that's where you've been?" I breathed, swallowing down the pain. "All this time and you've been a six-hour car drive away?"
"Yeah." He nodded slowly and then stopped. "Well, no, I spent the first four years in Birmingham, getting my degree and working an apprenticeship. I moved to Belfast in late 2003."
"Oh." I wasn’t sure what else to say so I remained quiet. In truth, I wasn’t sure there was anything else to say. He left. We stayed. His life improved. Ours worsened. End of story.
"I had to get out, Shannon," he added quietly.
I knew that.
But so did we.
"Did it get better for you?" I heard myself ask. I glanced up at him. "Did you find peace?"
Darren hesitated before saying, "I found a way to cope."
Exhaling shakily, I nodded. "Good."
"I have a partner," he offered, sounding a little uncertain. "His name is Alex. We've been together three years. We share a small apartment on the outskirts of the city center."
"Does he love you?" I asked.
Darren nodded. "Yeah, he loves me, Shan."
"I'm glad." Dropping my gaze to my hands, I cracked my knuckles and tried to find the right words. "I was always on your side." My voice was small. "I wanted you to be happy – to find someone who loves you. I never cared about whether that was a boy or a girl. I always wanted you to know that." I shrugged helplessly. "I was afraid you didn't."
"Shannon," Darren said with a sigh. "I didn't want to leave you behind."
"But you did, Darren," I whispered, forcing myself not to blink. "You did leave us behind."
"Do you hate me?"
"No." I sighed. "But I don't know who are you anymore." I lifted my gaze to meet his. "And you don't know me, either."
"I know who you are, Shannon," he said, voice trembling. "You're my baby sister who loves to sing and dance and read – and you're smart. You're so smart, Shannon. You've got the best school marks out of all of us. You love to play basketball. You love animals. Your favorite color is pink. You're always bringing home injured animals and birds and nursing them back to health. You want to go to University College Dublin to study be a veterinarian, and your ultimate ambition in life has always been to travel the world."
"I don't sing anymore and I don't dance. My favorite color is green and I haven't picked up a basketball since he stuck a knife through mine for bouncing it against the side of the house. I stopped bringing home animals a long time ago because I realized I didn't want them to be caged with me – when I realized they were safer in the wild than with me. I'm not going to go to college and become a vet because I've failed every single one of my classes for the last three years." I kept my gaze trained on his as I spoke. "Even if, by some miraculous intervention, I managed to pull my school marks up and pass my exams, I'm not naïve enough to believe I could ever afford to go to college. I don't want to travel the world anymore, and my ultimate ambition is to survive." He flinched but I forced myself to finish. "The girl you remember is gone, Darren. I'm not her anymore. Whatever I used to be, he beat it out of me a long time ago."
"I'm sorry, Shannon," was all he said.
"Yeah." I sighed. "I'm sorry, too, Darren."
"We need to talk about what's going to happen next
," he said after a long pause. His tone was hesitant, his eyes wary. "It's important."
Swallowing deeply, I nodded. "Okay."
"Do you trust me?"
"No."
Darren flinched. "I deserve that."
"It's not about what you deserve," I croaked out, voice raspy. "It's how I feel."
"Fair enough," he mumbled, rubbing his jaw. "But social services are breathing down Mam's neck. You know what that means."
Yeah, I did.
I wasn’t entirely sure I cared anymore, but I definitely knew what it meant for us.
"I'm prepared to move back home and take care of you guys until Mam gets back on her feet and we get this whole mess cleared up. The social workers involved in the case are supportive of this arrangement and are confident enough to allow you to come home to us," Darren continued. "I've spoken to Alex and he understands, and my boss is willing to let me work mostly from home. I will be required to make an appearance at the office once a week, but we can work around that once you guys go back to school after the Easter holidays. But none of this works without Mam. Without one decent parent in the mix. We need to support her, too, Shan. Regardless of what Joey says, we need to show a united front."
"When you say support her, what do you mean?" I wasn’t sure why I asked that question when the answer was obvious.
"Basically, when they ask you about your relationship with Mam, you need to remind them that she's a good mother who tried her best for you, provided as stable a home as she could, and financially supported the five of you on her own. Tell them about how she enrolled you in Tommen when she found out you were being bullied at BCS, and how she loves you very much."
"So, you want me to lie?" I whispered.
"It's not a lie. She's a victim, too, Shannon," he said with a weary sigh. "And right now, she's about all that stands between you and the foster care system." His eyes darkened then and he looked away. "And whatever Joey says, trust me when I tell you that you don’t want that."
Pain churned inside of me for all he'd been through. "Are you okay?"
He blinked at me, looking a little startled by my question. "Me?"