by Erin Trejo
“Pass me another one,” I call out to Cherry. She smiles and slides me another beer.
“You think you should get back to work?” my dad asks, sitting on the stool next to me.
I shrug before I say, “Nope. Monster’s got it.” I take a long pull before my dad’s hand tightens.
“I mean it, Mayhem. I know what the fuck you’re thinkin’ with her. She’s not Becca,” he snaps. I’ve had about all I care to hear already.
“You don’t think I know that?” I snap back. He shakes his head with an evil grin on his face.
“We all saw her. We get it. She looks like her in some ways, but she’s not Becca. You need to get that shit right in that goddamn head of yours.” I watch him grab at beer and pop the top off before turning back to me. “She’s just as fucked up as you are.”
Shaking my head, I don’t think she is. She’s better than me. Just like Becca was.
“She’s not. She’s good, Pop. She doesn’t deserve what she was given. That piece of shit dad of hers has all but shoved her out of his life. He treats her like she’s nothin’. You don’t think I’d do the same?” I cut my eyes at him. I can see what I said resonates in his eyes. He looks away from me quickly before he sighs.
“You’re as stubborn as your momma.” He grumbles. I slap a hand on his back as I shove off the stool.
“Headin’ down to check on shit at Leggs. Dec said they’ve been havin’ some shit with Nomads down there,” I say over my shoulder as I head out.
I want to get out of here for a while. Leggs seems like the best place to get lost. I ride down the road remembering the last week. Being shot at. It all settles inside of me. I could have lost her. I could have lost Tay that day. That thought sends chills down my spine. I hate that I brought her into it. I hate that I let my own selfish wants put her in danger.
I pull into Leggs and see that the parking lot is full. I smile knowing that Brooke has done a majority of this on her own. She’s a smart girl.
I walk up to the front door, bypassing the line.
“Hey, Ryan,” I say as I nod at the security idiot Brooke keeps around. I don’t like the little shit but who the hell am I?
“Hey, Mayhem. You come to watch the new girls?” he asks with a wink.
New girls? I didn’t know there were any new girls. I guess I picked a good night to come in then. I walk through the front door and grin. The place is as packed as the parking lot. People are everywhere, liquor is flowing.
“What are you doing here?”
I look over my shoulder and see Brooke. She stands with her arms crossed over her chest, a death glare in her eyes. Damn, what did I do now?
“Came to check shit out. Dec said you were havin’ some issues with Nomads.”
Brooke rolls her eyes before slowly letting her arms fall to her sides. “They aren’t really a problem. They just get a little rowdier than you guys do.”
I nod my head before I say, “Maybe I need to step up my game then.”
Brooke smiles before stepping into me. She wraps her arms around my waist. “I’ve missed you,” she mumbles into my chest.
“Missed you too, love. Heard you got some new girls.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, Brooke’s body becomes tense. This should be good.
“Who is it?”
She glances up at me with those little puppy dog eyes when the music starts. My gaze slips to the stage behind her.
“Let’s get a drink!” She squeaks out, trying to pull me toward the bar. Like she could even move my ass.
My eyes move over the girl on the stage. There’s a mask covering her face, but those legs are sexy as fuck. The more I stare, the more I realize that I know who that is.
“Get her off the stage, Brooke.” I growl. She lowers her hand from my arm but she doesn’t move toward the stage. I watch Tay sway her hips to the music, slowly peeling away each layer of clothing. My heart beats faster, my dick straining against the zipper of my jeans. The music pumps through the speakers. My stomach tightens. Tay’s eyes come to meet mine even from across the room. The tightness in my chest is way too familiar now.
“Mayhem. Don’t lose it, ok? She asked me,” Brooke says. I ignore her and storm the stage anyway.
Why is something always fucked up in my world? Is there never a free day?
Chapter 22
Taylor
The air rushes from my lungs. I didn’t expect him to show up here. He saw me. He watched me strip before he lost control of himself. I watched him storm the stage, and instead of letting him cause a scene, I ran off the stage. His anger was not something I could handle right now. Now, I’m sitting in the dressing room in tears. Welcome to the fucked-up world I call life.
This last week without him around has been torture. Monster is nice and all, but he isn’t Mayhem. I look up at myself in the mirror, the smudged eyeliner and mascara running down my face. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know where I belong or how I fit in this world. My dad doesn’t want me. Mayhem doesn’t want me. Where does that leave me? I thought about taking Beth up on her offer to stay at her place for a while until I can figure my life out, but my dad still has security tailing me every second of every day.
“You gonna tell me why you were on that stage?” His deep voice rumbles through the room making a chill run down my spine.
I should have known he would come after me. I wipe at my face before I turn to look at him. Why does he have to be so fucking cute?
“It’s my job. I told you, the diner wasn’t working out.” His eyes stay on mine, unwavering. It makes me nervous. I want to curl into myself and hide from his glare.
“I told you that shit wasn’t happenin’.” He slides his cut off his shoulders as he moves slowly toward me. My heart beats a little faster as I watch him set it on the counter.
“You have no say in what I do,” I snap back at him.
Mayhem slowly pulls his shirt over his head, revealing his hardened chest as he walks toward me. His abs call out to me. I want to touch them. I want to lose myself in him, but I know better now. He isn’t going to come in here and take back all the pain he’s caused me with sex. I won’t let him.
“Put your clothes back on,” I tell him. He cocks his head to the side, a devilish grin crossing his face.
“You would like that wouldn’t you?” he says. I shake my head when I feel his hands on my shoulders. He rubs them gently. I sigh. His hands send heat soaring inside of me.
“Leave me alone, Mayhem. I’ve been doing fine without you around.”
His fingers tighten into my flesh. “Is that what you want?” he asks, his voice wavering slightly.
I close my eyes before I say, “I’m not her. I won’t try to compete with your past, Mayhem.” When the words leave my mouth, he sighs. His hands leave my skin, and I instantly miss his touch.
“She died, and I never got to say goodbye.”
I open my eyes and look in the mirror to find him slumped against the wall behind me. He’s giving me a piece of himself right now, but do I want it?
“Mayhem. You don’t owe me any explanation,” I tell him. He raises his head and locks eyes with me in the reflection.
“I owe it to us both, Tay.” He takes a deep breath before he continues. “I left her alone that night. She overdosed. I didn’t know she was that far gone. I thought that she used here and there, you know? I was so fuckin’ wrong about her. She had so much in her system when they did the autopsy. I blamed myself. I still do. If I hadn’t been so fucked up, I would have been there for her. Instead, I was out at the clubhouse gettin’ my dick sucked by a club whore because I didn’t want to fight with her.”
I shove out of my chair and move toward him. Wrapping my hands around his arms, I look up at him. “What she chose to do with her life wasn’t your fault, Mayhem. She chose to use that much. She knew the consequences of that. What were you fighting about?” I ask. I feel like I need to know now. I feel like he needs this moment to open up to me. Maybe then he can
get past whatever it is that’s haunting him.
“She wanted kids, but I knew I wouldn’t be a good dad. Look at me. I’m shit and I got issues. I knew I couldn’t be what she needed,” he says softly.
I raise my hand and gently run my fingertips down his cheek. “You aren’t shit, Mayhem. She was on drugs, what kind of mom would that have made her? You made the right choice.”
Mayhem pulls his hand up to rest over mine that now cradles his cheek. “You really think so?” he asks, needing the reassurance. How can he not see that?
“You were man enough to say no, Mayhem. You knew the kind of life you lived wouldn’t allow you to be a good dad at the time. There is no blame in that. I think you were strong for saying it to her.” His eyes move between mine. There are so many emotions he holds inside.
“How long have you been having the panic attacks?” I ask. He tries to pull back, but I don’t let him. He needs to get this out in the open.
“I don’t wanna talk about it, Tay.” Shaking his head, he takes a step back. I move closer.
“Please,” I say gently. He studies me for a minute before he nods.
His voice is low and full of pain when he says, “After she died it all hit me. Every time shit would feel off, I’d feel it. It swells up in my chest. My breathing intensifies. Spots form in front of my eyes. The world spins. It scares the hell out of me.”
“You realize there is no shame in that. She meant a lot to you once.”
He nods, his eyes falling to the floor in front of him. “It’s hard to talk about. I still feel that guilt deep inside.”
I lift both my hands, holding his face tightly. “You’re not alone, Mayhem. No matter what you think, I’m here. I’m real.”
Who the hell am I trying to convince? He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t want me. He looks at me like her. I pull my hands away and walk toward the door when he speaks. “Wait.” My feet stop moving even when my brain wants to run. I lower my head and wait for the impending doom of what he’s about to say.
“You’re not her. I know that, Tay. You’re better than she was. You’re smart. You’re sheltered. You make me feel alive.” He stops.
I want to look at him, but I can’t. “But you’re not over her yet,” I say finishing for him. My heart breaks a little more inside of me.
“I don’t know how to be,” he admits.
“She isn’t here anymore, Mayhem. She’s gone!” I yell, turning to face him.
“I know that.” His voice quiet and a bit forlorn as he responds.
“I won’t be around forever, either. Just remember that.” I walk out of the room without him trying to stop me. My heart hurts. My chest is heavy as tears fall down my cheeks.
Chapter 23
Mayhem
My knuckles bleed. My jaw screams in pain. My left eye is partially swollen yet I won’t give up until I take this motherfucker down. It’s all I have left in me. I want the fight. I want the pain. It’s all that is real for me right now.
“Can’t we just shoot the motherfucker?” Tic chuckles behind me. I square off ready to throw another punch.
“No. Let Mayhem work this shit out of his system.” I hear my dad say. It gives me a little push to hear him talk. The push I needed to finish this shit. I throw a left jab to this asshole’s jaw before I slam my right fist into his face. The motherfucker goes down hard.
“Fuck yeah!” Declan roars as he leans down and checks the guy’s pulse. “He ain’t dead.”
I walk forward, lean down, and grab his head in my hands. One quick jerk and it snaps.
“He is now,” I say with no feeling at all.
“You feel better?” my dad asks when I turn to face him. I just shrug. I don’t know if I feel better. I don’t really feel anything.
“It’s not like he wasn’t gonna die anyway,” I say as I walk past the guys and toward the door. It’s true. He was a thief. He stole from one of our suppliers, which in turn meant he stole from us.
I light up a cigarette and lean against the hard metal of the warehouse. I take in the night sky and the stars. I wonder what Tay’s doing. Probably working at that fucking strip club.
“How long’s this shit gonna last, Mayhem?”
I look up and see my dad standing there with a distraught look on his face. I hate that I’m affecting him, too. I hate that I’m affecting everyone around me, but what the fuck do they want from me?
“What shit are we talkin’ about?” I inhale the nicotine into my lungs before blowing out a ring of smoke.
“Why don’t you take a break? Get your head together? We need someone to check out the Southern Chapter anyway. Might as well be you.”
I huff. Is he sending me away? Isn’t that real fucking fatherly. “You just tossin’ my ass aside now, Pop?” I ask.
Standing up straighter, I look him in the eyes. I want him to say it. I want him to say that he’s sending me away for my own fucking good when I know I’m just screwing the club up.
“You know I ain’t tossin’ you aside! You’re my fuckin’ son! I want my son back, Mayhem. I want the man that I raised! I get it, Son. I get that you’re hurtin’ still. I think you need some time to think it all over and work it out.”
He may be right. I may need to work shit out, but that doesn’t mean I want to leave my club to do that. This is my home. This is who I am, who I’ve been since I was born.
“You think I can’t get my shit straight here?” I ask him, my tone calming slightly.
“Honestly? No. I think this place holds too many reminders of her. I think you need to get away and let shit settle in that head of yours. Since she died, you’ve been goin’ nonstop, and I let you. It’s partially my fault that you’re strugglin’ the way you are. I should have seen it. I should have been the father I needed to be and did something sooner.” I can see the defeat and regret all over his face. He thinks this is his fault.
“That shit didn’t have anything to do with you. I fucked up, Pop. That was all me. I know I need to work shit out. I just don’t want to let you or this club down,” I admit.
“Fuck that, Mayhem. You aren’t lettin’ this club down! You are this club! We made this shit. As for me, I’m your dad. I’m always here. I’m always on your side. This club means shit to me without you boys in it. You have to know that.”
I nod my head slowly. Never realizing I needed to hear those words leave his lips. The way he says it, I know he means it. I wouldn’t want to be a part of this club without him in it either.
“Take her with you. See where it goes. Tell her it’s no strings attached and don’t fuckin’ attach them, Mayhem.”
I shake my head no. I don’t want her there. “I need to do this on my own, Pop. I get what you’re sayin’, but I can’t see her. Not yet. I need to figure some of this shit out on my own.”
He nods his head. He seems to understand what I’m saying. “Let’s get you home. Get that face cleaned up. You won’t be gettin’ any pussy lookin’ like that.” He nods toward my face laughing.
“Oh, come on, Pop. You know the ladies love that rugged, bad boy look.” I tease as we walk toward the bikes.
“Rugged is one thing. Raggedy is another.” We both laugh at that. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed being able to laugh and smile with my family.
“I’m gonna make it back to this club, Pop.” I flick my cigarette through the air, watching it fall to the ground.
“I know, Mayhem. I have no doubt about that. You’ve always been stronger than the rest of us. It’s ok to lose your way as long as you know the road back home, brother.” He slaps a hand on my shoulder, and I’ve never felt such a sense of pride surge through me. He’s right. I do need this.
Chapter 24
Taylor
“What do you mean?” I ask my dad, shocked by what he’s saying to me.
“It means that I don’t trust the people who are out for me. You are going back.”
I shake my head. There is no way I’m going back to Rome. I’m an adul
t! I’m sick of being treated like a child and told what to do.
“I’m not going. You can’t force me to go.” I cross my arms over my chest as the world around me slowly starts to sink into the darkness. I’m not leaving here.
“Then you will be left to fend for yourself. I won’t be paying for any of this, which means you will be on your own. I will not have security on you any longer! Whatever happens, happens,” he states in a matter of fact tone.
I see him more clearly now more than ever. The man who never wanted me. The man who despised his own child. The one who me blamed so easily for a death that couldn’t have been my fault.
“Fine!” I growl. I walk away from him, heading into my bedroom. I grab a small bag and toss some clothes in before walking back out to find him leaning smugly against the wall. The devilish look on his face pisses me off. I ignore him and reach down to pick up Minnie. I cuddle her to my chest before grabbing her bed.
“Glad you see things my way.” He grins. Arrogant bastard. He isn’t as smart as he likes to think he is.
“Your way? No, Dad. I don’t see anything your way. You threw me away when Mom died. You blamed me! I was just a kid! All I wanted was my dad and to be loved like any other kid!” Tears slowly fall down my cheeks as hurt overwhelms my heart.
“Oh, come on! You are an adult, Taylor! Why are you acting so childish?” He questions me.
I swipe at the tears on my face before I laugh. “You’re right. I’m an adult, and I don’t need your damn protection or your money!” I storm past him and out the door. He doesn’t come after me. Is that a good thing or bad? I didn’t really expect him to, but then again, he is my dad. I walk down the road suddenly feeling vulnerable.
I pull my phone out and debate calling Beth. I know she’s working right now. I could call Brooke. Yeah, I’ll call Brooke. I dial her number as I hold Minnie close to my chest. I’m all too aware that I feel insecure out here alone. I’ve never had to do anything like this. I’ve always been sheltered. Just like Mayhem said I was.