She paused and looked at Mark’s face. It was twitching and blinking and shaking in a way that reminded Hannah of one of those pre-CGI horror movies when someone transformed into a werewolf. It was a more extreme reaction than she’d expected – particularly as she knew Mark had never much liked her sister, even before the big falling-out. But she supposed it was something to do with the fact that he’d only just seen her. Come to think of it, he may have even been the last person who spoke to her. Hadn’t he said she’d given him a lift to the station that morning? How could he not have picked up on what she was about to do?
She must have gasped as this last thought occurred to her, judging by the abrupt change of expression on Mark’s face. It had at least returned to a more human look, albeit one of horror and bewilderment.
‘Hang on,’ he said, lowering his voice as she threw him another warning glance. ‘You’re saying she killed herself? That she jumped in front of a train – this morning? I don’t. I can’t. What time was it?’
‘I don’t know, Mark. Why? Because she dropped you off at the train station. That’s what you said, right?’
‘Yes. Exactly. Oh my God!’ His mouth hung open, like it had run out of words to say. Hannah considered asking him further about this. But a sudden, jarring knock at the bedroom door focused her mind on more pressing matters – namely, how to break the devastating news to her niece.
‘Hello?’ Mia’s voice called from the other side. ‘Is everything okay in there?’
Hannah and Mark threw each other a rabbit-in-the-headlights look and then both turned back to the door. Hannah was terrified it would open and she’d be face to face with her niece yet utterly unprepared what to say. Thankfully, Mark responded in time to stop this.
‘Could you give us a minute, please, Mia?’ he said, somehow managing to sound composed. ‘We’ll be out soon. I promise.’
‘Is Hannah all right?’ the teenager’s little voice asked, breaking her heart. Too choked up to reply, Hannah begged Mark with her eyes to say something.
‘She’s, um, in our bathroom,’ he lied, wincing and shrugging by way of apology for not coming up with anything better. ‘We’ll explain everything very soon, I promise.’
‘Okay, if you’re sure.’
Neither of them said a word as they listened to Mia’s footsteps walking away from the door.
Eventually, Hannah turned back to her husband. ‘Do you think she heard anything?’
He shook his head.
‘I hope not. That would be the worst thing of all.’
‘Don’t worry. But we are going to have to tell her. Do you want to do it or—’
‘I was thinking maybe we could do it together.’ Hannah’s heart was thumping its way out of her chest. She felt breathless. ‘What do you reckon?’
Mark gave a solemn nod. ‘Okay, but you know more details about it than I do. So …’ He stopped speaking for a few beats; his eyes looked ready to burst as he circled his lips into a small O shape and slowly exhaled. ‘Sorry. I’m struggling to get my head around this. I was with her only hours ago. I can’t comprehend the fact she’s gone. And to do it in such a way. Bloody hell!’
‘Did she give any indication—’
‘Let’s not do this now, Hannah. It’s not the time. We need to break the news to Mia fast before she finds out some other way. Imagine if she comes across a news article online or someone calls her about it on her mobile.’
Hannah’s jaw dropped. She hadn’t even considered this possibility. ‘You’re right. Let’s do it immediately.’
CHAPTER 16
Mia knew for sure that something was terribly wrong when her aunt and uncle walked together into the lounge – Mark with his arm held supportively around Hannah’s waist. Both of them were deathly pale, their eyes wide open and bodies moving in a jerky, awkward fashion. They looked every bit as nervous as she felt.
Mia stopped chewing her fingernails and sat bolt upright on the couch. ‘Hi,’ she said in a tiny voice. ‘What’s going on?’
Hannah sat down next to her and took her hand as Mark knelt before her.
‘What’s happening?’ Mia said, shaking her head, fear and confusion oozing out of every pore. ‘You’re scaring me.’
Hannah appeared to be about to say something, but instead she hesitated, turning from Mia to her husband, her already red eyes filling up with fresh tears. She shrugged helplessly.
Nodding, Mark took a deep breath and looked Mia in the eye. ‘We have some very bad news, I’m afraid,’ he said. ‘There’s no easy way to tell you this. Your grandad received a call earlier from the police who, um, told him that your mum had been found dead this morning. I’m so terribly sorry.’
Mia scowled at her uncle. She’d heard the words that had just left his mouth, but they made no sense. They couldn’t be true, so she rejected them. ‘What are you talking about? You were with her this morning. Why would you say such a thing?’ She turned to Hannah. ‘Why’s he lying to me? That’s not what Grandad told you, is it? What’s going on? Please tell me the truth.’
Hannah’s eyelids flickered shut. It must only have been for a few seconds, but to a panicked, befuddled Mia it felt like forever until they opened again and, with a pained sigh, her aunt finally spoke. ‘I’m afraid that is the truth, my love. Diane’s gone.’
As soon as those devastating – impossible – final words had left her mouth, Hannah fell forward on the seat and started sobbing into her hands.
Mia watched her for a moment in silence. She felt nothing, like a cold cloud had descended on her brain and numbed it, temporarily blocking her thought process.
And then suddenly Hannah was trying to wrap her arms around her – to pull her in to a hug – and it was all too much. She shoved her away and leapt to her feet, bawling: ‘Why are you both lying to me? I want to go home right now! I want to see my mum.’
As her aunt flopped away from her, lost in another wave of tears, Mia refocused her fury on Mark. He remained kneeling before her, his hands held up in front of his face as if to defend himself.
‘You said you saw her!’ she yelled. ‘You said you stayed at our house and she took you to the train station this morning. So how can any of this be true? Unless … you did something to her. Oh my God, is that it? Tell me the truth now or I swear I’m going to call the police and report you. Tell me the truth!’
The teenager’s demand, delivered with a deafening scream, had an instant effect on Hannah. Reacting like an ice bucket had just been emptied over her head, she jerked upright on the sofa and her voice took on the tone of a stern school teacher. ‘You need to calm down and listen to what we have to tell you, Mia,’ she snapped. ‘I know what you’re hearing must be a dreadful shock. It was to me too – and I can totally understand why you want to lash out, believe me. But we’re not the enemy here, Mia. We’re your family and we all need to stick together. Think about it for a minute. Why would we make up something this horrendous? Have we done anything during your stay with us to suggest we’d do something so despicable?’
Stunned back into silence, Mia stared at her aunt for a long moment. Her haywire brain continued to spark and fizz inside her head until it finally started to regulate itself and slow down.
‘But she’s not your mum,’ she said, her slight, shaky voice cutting into the stillness that had descended on the room. ‘You don’t even like her. Why else have you ignored each other for so long?’
‘She’s my sister,’ Hannah replied, her voice brimming with emotion. ‘And despite everything that’s gone on between us, I love her. Just as I love you.’
Upon hearing this, something inside Mia broke; she collapsed back next to her aunt on the settee and was consumed by a torrent of tears.
‘It can’t be true,’ Mia said eventually, sniffling and dabbing her cheeks with tissues Hannah had passed to her. ‘It can’t! How can my mum be gone?’
And then, after looking from her uncle to her aunt, Mia asked the question she’d been avoiding until no
w, because she knew saying the words would make it real. ‘How did it happen? How did Mum die?’
Hannah’s face twitched as she seemed to try to form the words to give Mia her answer, but they never came. She shook her head and let out an exasperated sigh.
‘There was a terrible accident, love,’ Mark said in a slow, steady voice. ‘She was hit by a train sometime after she dropped me off at the station. We’re, er, not exactly sure what happened yet.’ His eyes trailed from Mia to Hannah and then back again. ‘I had no clue about this until Hannah told me a few minutes ago, Mia, I swear to you. Your mum was very much alive when I said goodbye to her. I’ve no idea what happened, but I’m as shocked as you are.’
‘She was … hit by a train?’ Mia asked with a gulp. ‘Like someone pushed her off the platform?’
Now Mark looked to Hannah for assistance.
‘It didn’t happen at the station,’ she said. ‘It was somewhere along the line.’
‘Oh.’ Mia frowned. Her eyes darted all around the room, jumping from one spot to the next, as she tried – and failed – to make sense of what she’d just heard. ‘What was she doing there?’
‘I only know what your grandad told me,’ Hannah said. ‘He was going by what the police had told him. But early indications are that she was alone at the time and, um … damn, this is hard to say. I’m, er, afraid it appears this was something she did deliberately to herself.’
‘You’re saying she killed herself?’ Mia whispered, at which point her eyes squeezed shut, thrusting her into darkness as a fresh storm of tears swept in, rolling down her face in a never-ending cascade.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she heard Hannah say somewhere in the distance. But her aunt’s words were of little comfort as Mia’s mind whirred, considering the unthinkable situation in which she found herself. How could her mum really be gone … forever? And how could she have done such an awful thing deliberately, without even saying goodbye? It couldn’t be true. Surely it couldn’t be true. Her mum would never do that to her, would she? She loved her, didn’t she?
But if she really was gone, where did that leave Mia?
Alone.
An orphan.
Who would look after her? Where would she live?
Here she was with an aunt and uncle she was only just getting to know. They had their own lives to lead. Surely they wouldn’t want to be burdened with her. So what would she do? Was there any way she could return to Bournemouth? Unlikely. So where would she go? Her grandad’s place? What about Joan, who’d never shown a lot of interest in her? Would she really want a teenager messing up her immaculate house?
God, this was awful. All she wanted now, more than anything else in the world, was to be back with her mum in their own house. How had that become an impossible dream in the space of one conversation?
The tears wouldn’t stop falling … and when she felt her aunt reach out to her again, this time she accepted. In her fragile state, she realised human contact was exactly what she needed; once she and Hannah had found each other, both shaking with emotion, she clung on tight.
‘Your aunt and I are both here for you, whatever you need,’ Mark said after a little while, his kind words like ointment on her raw wounds. ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’
Next thing Mia knew, her uncle had made them all a cup of tea.
‘Thanks, darling,’ Hannah said to him, easing herself away from a shuddering Mia while continuing to stroke her hair. ‘Here, look. Mark’s brought us all a nice cuppa and some biscuits.’
Mia nodded, sniffling and wiping away her tears with both hands, while staring down at her feet. Now her eyes were open again, she felt uncomfortable and embarrassed about letting herself get so emotional in front of her relatives. She couldn’t bear the idea of eating or drinking anything at that moment. It would probably have made her throw up.
As if able to sense this, Hannah reached over and squeezed Mia’s shoulder, telling her: ‘It’s important to let our emotions out, love, at a time like this. We might have only just found each other again, but we’re family. That’s what’s important. Everything must feel so bleak and hopeless right now. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. But like your uncle said: we’re here for you, whatever you need. Your grandad will be flying back as soon as possible too. We’ll find a way forward together, okay?’
Mia nodded but continued to stare at her feet, lost for words. After its recent stint on overdrive, her brain now appeared to be shutting down. She felt shattered. As her aunt and uncle muttered something between themselves, all Mia could think of was going to bed and escaping this harsh reality for a while.
‘Is it okay if I go to my room for a bit?’ she asked. ‘I think I need to lie down.’
‘Oh, right,’ Hannah replied. ‘Yes, of course. Would you like to take your tea with you?’
‘Sorry, I don’t think I can manage it.’ She stood up to leave, steadying herself on the arm of the sofa, before adding: ‘Would you let me know if there’s any other news?’
‘We will, I promise. If you need anything, please shout.’
‘Thanks.’
And then she headed straight for her bedroom, flopping on top of her quilt, curling up into a foetal position and sobbing herself to sleep.
CHAPTER 17
Diane was gone, taking a piece of Hannah with her. This ought to have been easier to accept, bearing in mind their lengthy feud and the fact they’d been apart from each other for so long. But if anything, that made it worse.
Now Hannah would never get the chance to properly make things right with her sister. In her heart of hearts, this was something she had hoped would happen one day. Knowing she could have done more to achieve this during Diane’s recent visit – maybe even averting her death in the process – was hard to stomach. It was a regret she’d have to find a way to live with somehow.
Meanwhile Mia, who’d just left the lounge and gone into her bedroom, closing the door behind her, would have to find a way to live without her mother. Hannah knew the heartbreak of losing a parent only too well. But in her case, she’d had a father, a sister and a husband to support her in the immediate aftermath of the death; she’d been a fully grown adult with her own life. Plus her mum had been sick for a long time beforehand, so Hannah had had time to prepare herself, as much as one could for such awful grief. Mia, on the other hand, was an only child, still at school, with a dysfunctional family ripped apart by a long-standing feud. She’d had no preparation whatsoever for the agonising ordeal of her mother’s death.
What that poor girl was facing was so much worse than anything Hannah had experienced. It was unimaginable. And then there was the way Diane had died: taking her own life in such a dramatic, brutal fashion. Hannah knew Diane could be selfish, but how could she do that to her own daughter? How could she abandon her like that? It wasn’t just leaving her to fend for herself, which alone would have been bad enough. It was doing so in a way that would scar Mia for the rest of her life, probably blaming herself and forever questioning if there was something she might have done to stop it.
That girl desperately needed care and protection, and Hannah swore to herself there and then that she would make sure she got it.
‘Poor, poor kid,’ Hannah whispered as she emerged from her thoughts and saw Mark watching her, concern etched into every line on his face. ‘How the hell is she supposed to cope? How could Diane do this to her – leave her alone like this?’
‘Well, she didn’t, did she?’ Mark replied, much to her surprise.
‘Sorry, what?’
He scratched his forehead. ‘I didn’t mean … There’s no excuse for what she did, obviously. It beggars belief. What I’m trying to say is that she didn’t leave her alone. She left her with us.’
‘Yes, temporarily. Unless …’ She’d not understood what Mark had been getting at initially, but then the penny dropped. Her mind leapt back to that conversation between her and Diane all those years ago, at a time when Mia was just a ba
by and they’d still had a normal sisterly relationship. They’d been taking a walk together in the park on a frosty winter’s day, both dressed in thick coats, scarves and gloves. Mia had been wrapped up tight and warm in her pram, which Hannah had been enjoying pushing while Diane walked alongside. They’d been chatting about how Diane had been coping so far as a single mother, their words puffing out before their mouths in cold, moist clouds of breath.
‘So, how are you managing, Di? It’s not too much, is it? I often think how it can’t be easy raising a child alone.’
‘I’m not alone, am I? I’ve got you for a start.’
‘I’m always happy to help – you know that. But I think you also know what I mean. Being a single mum isn’t a walk in the park.’
Diane smiled at her sister’s joke. ‘Very good, Han. You ought to try stand-up. Having Mia was my choice and I’m happy with the way things are right now. I wouldn’t change it for the world.’
‘No, of course not. Mia’s amazing. You know I love her to bits and you’re doing a wonderful job with her. It’s just … you pretend like she doesn’t have or need a dad, but—’
‘But what?’ Diane started to walk faster along the tarmac path, forcing Hannah to increase her own speed pushing the pram to keep up.
‘Wait. Don’t get the hump. Whether or not Mia’s father is in her life is up to you. I totally get that. But whoever he is – and I can’t believe you still haven’t told anyone, least of all me – he ought to be making some kind of financial contribution, don’t you think? He was there too when it happened. He should bear some responsibility.’
Diane came to an abrupt halt and turned to look at her sister. ‘I don’t need anything from any man. I’m coping just fine, thank you very much.’
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