They had moved me from the ICU into a private room, not that I could really appreciate much difference. One big blur to another.
“I prefer the term cortical visual impairment to blindness in your daughter’s case,” Dr. Martin gently corrected in his knowledgeable baritone.
I felt anything but reassured. I floated in a personal void where depth and dimension had little meaning.
“The problem is not with her eyes, Mr. Belle. She sustained damage to the occipital lobes of her brain, where visual information is processed. The results of the latest scan were less encouraging than I hoped.”
“Well, then, we’ll just have to get a second opinion,” my father pouted.
I detached myself from his pointless litany of denials. He had spent most of his life being sheltered from harsh reality. He wasn’t likely to face up to this trial without a fight.
“That is certainly your prerogative, Mr. Belle, although I have reviewed the findings with two leading neurologists that Ms. Timmons brought in. We are in agreement that although there is always room for optimism, Miss Belle is likely facing some degree of permanent impairment.”
I heard my father sigh in frustration.
A hot tear slid down my cheek.
“Miss Belle.” Dr. Martin now addressed me directly. “There are many resources both here and in the community to help you adjust to your new circumstances. I’ve already ordered physical and occupational therapy consults. Upon discharge from the hospital, you will be provided with a list of organizations that you might find beneficial.
“Thank you,” I muttered weakly.
“There is one other matter to discuss. Frankly, Miss Belle, I am concerned about your nutritional status. Your BMI is too low, you’re anemic, and you have some electrolyte abnormalities. After a discussion with your ski coach, I’m very concerned that you may have anorexia nervosa. With your permission, I’d also like for you to meet with a counselor and a dietician before you leave the hospital.”
“Wait a minute,” my dad interrupted. “Wait just a fucking minute. Are you serious?” he complained. “Isn’t it bad enough that you just told her she’ll never see again? Now you’re laying this bullshit on her, too?”
I hugged my arms around myself, wanting to discount the doctor’s words, wanting to rewind the clock and everything else starting with my reckless decision during the race. But I knew deep in my soul that I had nowhere to run. Even I could see the truth. I was stuck inside this nightmare with no way out.
• • •
Sager
The coffee and doughnuts King brought from the cafeteria weighed like heavy stones inside my unsettled stomach. I glanced at the clock and my unease heightened. It was almost noon, and we still hadn’t gotten any new word.
“Do you think I should...” I began trailing off when I saw a familiar form pass by the waiting room window. I jumped up, ducked through the automatic doors and broke into a jog to catch her. She seemed to be in a hurry.
“Katherine,” I called. “Have you heard anything about...” I trailed off when she turned and I saw her tearstained cheeks and red rimmed eyes. Sudden fear wrapped around my windpipe so tightly I could barely breathe. “What is it?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head, wispy strands of chestnut brown settling around her shoulders. “I’m not really at liberty to discuss the details with you, Mr. Reed.”
“Bullshit!” I exclaimed. “That’s fucking bullshit!” I raked a shaking hand through my hair. “You gotta give me something. No one is telling me anything. I’m about to go out of my mind.”
Her gaze softened. She touched my arm lightly. “They’ve moved her to a regular room now. I left her cell by her bed. Call her, Mr. Reed. I believe she’s going to need you now more than ever.”
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Melinda
A rap on the door seemed too loud to my ears. So did the sounds of the cars outside the window. The birds chirping. Without my eyesight, my other senses seemed to overwhelm me. Smells, too. The aroma from the uneaten eggs and toast on my breakfast tray had nearly gagged me.
“Can I come in Melinda?” A pause. Her voice seemed huskier than usual. “It’s Mary Timmons.”
“Sure come in.” I said dully. As she clattered closer on shoes that I could tell were spiked by their characteristic ringing against the tile, her familiar Christian Dior perfume engulfed me.
“How are you feeling?” she gently stroked strands of my hair back from my face. No doubt she could tell I had been crying. I couldn’t summon the energy to care.
I turned my head away even though I welcomed her touch. In fact, I was starving for comfort. It seemed like hours had passed since my dad had left to start working on the logistics of getting us both back to Vancouver.
“Your dad shared with me about the prognosis.” Railed at her, she meant. He had mentioned more than once how he blamed her. Me. Sager. “Saying I’m sorry seems inadequate under the circumstances.”
“Yeah, it sucks to be me,” I complained bitterly shrugging one shoulder as if my world hadn’t come completely unraveled for me. I twisted the sheet between my fingers.
I heard the sound of the metal legs of the chair squeaking as she dragged it closer. “I imagine that it feels that way right now.” She sighed then went silent for so long I would have thought she had left except for her rhythmic breathing. I could feel her gaze on me. Carefully considering every word. “I wanted to reiterate to you how much I care about you, Belle. I know that this is a lot to take in, and it’s going to take a great deal of courage on your part. But you need to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. I told you once before that you should call me if you needed anything and that offer still stands. I will do whatever is in my power to help you. However long it takes, I promise we will get you to a better place.” I heard a sound. She unclasped my fingers and pressed something into my hands. My cell. Katherine had mentioned leaving it on the nightstand. “I have to leave now, but I can be right back here in a matter of moments if need be. But there’s somebody else who’s been waiting. You should give him a call.”
“Sager,” I whispered, my throat tightening on his name. He was all that I had been thinking about since the doctors delivered his verdict. But what would he do when he found out that I was blind? He loved me. I knew that he did, but it seemed like a lifetime had passed since I had heard him say those words. And he had said them to a different girl, one who didn’t exist anymore, one who had been able to see the love in his eyes and return it in kind.
“He was here with you. All night, every night by your bedside. He’s a very sensitive, serious man. You shouldn’t keep him waiting any longer. Would you like me to pull up his number for you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Not yet.” I wasn’t ready. I knew I had to talk to him. I knew I couldn’t leave him hanging. But I felt overstretched like a helium balloon. I just wanted to close my eyes, float up and away and free. Part of it was the pain medicine. But mostly it was that I feared Sager’s response. Would he still love me, could he still love me or would he simply pity me when I told him?
My cell vibrated with a text ding.
Frustrated tears pricked my eyes, remembering that I couldn’t read the message.
“It’s Sager,” Mary said. “He says he ran into Katherine outside. She told him you’re out of the ICU. He’s on his way up to see you.”
To see me. The bitter irony of it sent me plummeting back to my inescapable reality.
• • •
Sager
“Good luck,” Mary told me her expression grim. “Remind her. Whatever she needs. I’m here to help.”
I nodded once. Her words and demeanor made the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Stomach roiling with increasing unrest, I set my will as I stepped into her room. It didn’t matter what it was we would get through it together.
Melinda’s head was turned away, her ebony strands in tumbled disarray around her slim should
ers. The short sleeves of her pale green hospital gown left her arms mostly exposed. Someone had drawn up the blinds. The afternoon sun streamed in through the glass panes. I could feel the warmth bathing the room, yet she was rubbing her skin as if she were chilled.
“Blue.” A myriad of emotions washed over me. Adoration. Love. Lingering unease. But largely a wave of relief.
Her spine stiffening, she slowly turned in my direction, her beautiful eyes oddly shielded behind a pair of polarized shades.
“Sager.” Her voice cracked with longing, yet her gaze passed over me quickly, making me wonder if she blamed me for what had happened like her father did. She lifted the white hospital sheet to her waist and crushed it between her fingers. “The nurses told me you hardly left my side while I was in the ICU. Thank you for staying …until my father arrived, I mean.”
“You don’t need to thank me. I never would have left at all except that he went all ballistic.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that. I heard what he said. It’s not true. It’s not your fault,” she reassured me, her tone fierce and sincere. “I shouldn’t have pressed Muriel. I should’ve held back and waited to pass her at a safer spot. Katherine advised me about that area, but I didn’t heed her warnings.” She twisted the sheet so hard her knuckles blanched.
“It was an accident, babe. A terrible accident. No one’s to blame.” I stepped closer desperately wanting to touch her, but feeling off balance and unsure. She was acting strangely. “Why don’t you take off the sunglasses, babe? I want to see your pretty eyes. I can’t tell what you’re thinking behind them.”
“No.” She flinched away from me when I reached forward my arm brushing against hers. I frowned. What was going on? Her reaction baffled me. “I’m light sensitive,” she explained in a rush. “Because of the concussion.” Her hands were a flurry of restlessness, readjusting the sunglasses and re-gripping the well wrung bedsheet.
“It’s ok. I’m not going to take them off.” I captured one of her hands and threaded my fingers between hers, curling the intertwined digits into a tight grip. Her flesh felt ice cold, but my heart warmed. I brought her hand to my mouth and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles, trying to peer behind the darkly tinted lenses without any luck.
Her brow creased, two fine lines appearing above the bridge of the glasses as if she were squeezing her eyes tightly shut behind the shades. She ducked her chin to her chest, the length of her hair cascading forward. I sensed that she wasn’t taking comfort from my touch the way I was from hers.
“Blue, it’s over. Stop beating yourself up about it. There will be other races. Other opportunities. The important thing is that you’re alive. That’s all that matters to me.”
She made a low sound in her throat.
“But there’s more to it, isn’t there? Katherine seemed pretty upset. So did Mary. Did your coach quit or something?”
“She didn’t quit. I just won’t need her anymore. The truth is there won’t be any more races for me.”
“What do you mean? Why not?”
“Because this is the second concussion I’ve had. They say it’s too dangerous to risk another one. So competitive racing is out.”
“I’m so sorry, babe. I know how important ski cross is to you.” Now her behavior made more sense. “But surely you can still ski recreationally if you’re careful.”
“Maybe,” she allowed. “But the doctors also found some other problems during all of the testing. Things that I need to address.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“I’m anemic. My body mass is too low. My blood chemistry is out of whack. They say it’s because I haven’t been eating right. They think I’m anorexic. They want me to see a psychiatrist.”
I peered down at her wishing I could see her eyes. “I’m sure they have your best interests in mind,” I stated carefully. I had been worried about her eating habits, too. She barely ate at all. She exercised obsessively and although she wasn’t as skeletally thin as I imagine someone had to be who had the disorder, her health had certainly suffered. She had an inaccurate image of her body like I recalled those with anorexia often did. I felt bad that I hadn’t made the connection myself.
“So you see I’ve got a lot of things to do to get my life back in order. My dad’s making arrangements to fly us back home as soon as I am discharged. I think it would be best…” She trailed off and licked her cracked lips. The red scratches stood out against her pale skin. “With my issues and you going on the road soon for such a long time, it just makes sense for us to take a break.”
“No,” I disagreed. “Absolutely not.”
“You didn’t sign up for all of this when we got together.” She gestured toward herself as if she were something to be tossed aside and not a treasure to be cherished. “I think you can see that things are different now.”
“Different how? Please enlighten me.” My temper flared. I didn’t like the direction this conversation had taken.
“I’m giving you an out. You should take it.” Her tone sounded strained as if she had been stretched beyond her limits by everything that had happened. I certainly felt that way, and I wasn’t the one who had just had my dreams dashed. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated to me.”
“Why are you saying shit like this?” My eyes narrowed. “Is there someone else?” It had only been days since she left Vancouver but admittedly I was feeling off kilter and a little bit paranoid at the moment.
She shook her head.
“Then have your feelings changed?”
“No,” she whispered.
“That’s great because mine certainly haven’t, and they never will. I’m going to give you a pass on all the bullshit talk about us taking a break because I think you’re emotionally volatile right now after all that’s happened. That’s understandable. I feel pretty emotional, too. But what I don’t feel is any different about you. I love you, Melinda.” I covered our joined hands with my free one, wanting her to feel my resolve. “Those aren’t words that I toss around randomly. I know what they mean. I understand what love costs. I think you do, too. Now that I’ve found someone to share mine with, I’m holding onto her with everything I have in me.”
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Melinda
My eyes burned. How could I set him free from the disaster my life had become when he bound me with words like those? When I needed him so very badly?
“Ok.” My fingers flexed beneath his. My inner voice shouted at me to tell him everything right now but my heart overruled. “But let’s take it day by day.” Maybe a miracle would occur. Maybe I would regain my eyesight and things could go back to the way they had been. But I knew the doctors thought that was unlikely. That there was even a chance my limited vision could worsen. Realistically I knew the best thing I could really hope for was that the time and distance apart from him would give me the courage to be brave and tell him the whole truth. I already carried so much emotional baggage that he had accepted. I already had made so many mistakes with him, and he had graciously overlooked them all. I knew leveling with him would probably be the last straw. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready for a future that left me all alone and in the dark. Maybe that was selfish. But hadn’t I been through enough already? Did I really need to give up everything that gave my life meaning? Could I bear to? “I’ll see you when you get back to Vancouver,” I lifted my chin directing my gaze toward the sound of his breathing, hoping I was looking at his face. “We can reexamine things then.” I wished I had spent more time memorizing his features. I would have given anything to see that handsome face one more time. Forget the top of the mountain. My favorite view was him. Just him. “We can reexamine things then.”
“There won’t be any need to reexamine things.” He sounded mad. I could hear in his voice that his jaw was clenched. I imagined a crease between his eyes. “But day by day is fine, only because day by day leads to the lifetime I want with you.” His thumb stroked a seductive circle into the
skin on the back of my hand. A warm shiver rolled through me as much in response to his touch as those beautiful words.
Why? Why did this happen to me?
“I’m not letting you go, Blue. I’ll go on the tour. I have a commitment to my brothers in the band, but I’m not giving up on you. Ever.” He leaned down, and I felt the warmth and the certainty of us in the gentle kiss he pressed to the top of my head. And he did something else. Something that made my throat close. He placed his rosary carefully around my neck, arranging it so it dangled meaningfully right over my heart. I felt the heat the necklace had absorbed from his body. It transferred to my skin through the thin hospital gown. Tears filled my eyes as I reached for it, rolling the familiar beads between my finger and thumb the way I had seen him do so many times.
“I can’t keep this.” I reached behind my neck to take it off, but he stilled my hands.
“I insist,” he said firmly. “It’s full of prayers for you. From me. From my family. I want you to wear it and think about me while I’m gone. Abuelita would want that. It is my blessing for you.”
“Ok,” I whispered resisting the urge to throw my arms around him, to cling to him shamelessly. But I didn’t. I knew he needed to go. So I kept my hand on the rosary and basked in the warm glow of his affection instead.
“We’re scheduled to fly commercial to New York later today, but I don’t want to leave until I absolutely have to. Especially so soon after the scare we just had and the way you’ve been talking about us.” He paused. I could almost hear the gears turning inside his head. “I’m going to ask Mary to rework my part of the itinerary. In fact, I’m going to insist. I’m sure she can find me a later flight. Maybe directly into Philly. That will give me more time with you and keep me on schedule for the first concert.” He was quiet as if contemplating the logistics.
“No,” I said firmly. “You have to go. Everyone is counting on you. I’m being discharged in a couple of days. There’s no reason for you to do all that just to stay a few hours longer.”
The Complete Tempest World Box Set Page 152