by A R Bernard
You can think of these principles as tools that make up a mental toolkit, a toolkit that you acquire throughout life and carry with you wherever you go. The better your tools, the better your results. And the best time to acquire these tools is before you need them, not when you need them.
Why?
I’m glad you asked.
You need to fill up your cognitive toolkit sooner rather than later because when the time comes to make an important decision or to resist an almost-irresistible temptation, it’s too late to start looking around for the principles that apply. When the moment comes to make a quality decision, you may not have time to pull out a textbook, or to reach for your Bible, or to call your mentor on the phone. When Satan shows up at your doorstep, it’s just the two of you, face-to-face. And because your adversary is a savvy salesman, he’ll try to make the sale now, not later.
The difference between a good decision and a bad one often can be traced back to the core principles that guide the person who’s deciding. Mature people know what they stand for, and they know it in advance. They think long term. They consider not only the potential benefits of a decision, but also the potential costs.
As passions subside after the initial infatuation, dedication to each other’s welfare and happiness emerge as the major binding forces in a relationship.
—AARON BECK
Mature men and women look before they leap, not after. They recognize a dangerous temptation, even when it’s wrapped in a very appealing package. They make high-quality decisions based on non-changing principles that they learned along the way and managed to put into practice.
James 1:22 (NLT) offers this timeless (and timely) advice: “But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.” James understood that it’s not enough to know what’s right or to talk about what’s right; you’ve also got to do what’s right.
So don’t be satisfied to learn or to recite the wisdom of the ages. Make whatever changes are necessary to live by those rules, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day. Make “practice what you preach” one of the principles that you live by. While you’re at it, take an honest look at the things you’ve been doing and way you’ve been living. If change is required, start making those changes today.
If you think that you’re a little too “set in your ways” to change your ways, you’re wrong. The old saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” may apply to canines, but it certainly doesn’t apply to you. You’re never too old to grow spiritually or emotionally, and if you can still feel your pulse, you can be sure that God has an important plan for your life.
Albert Einstein famously said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you’d like better results, you’ll need to do some things differently than you did in the past. To do things differently, you’ll need to think differently and act differently. In other words, you’ll need to keep growing and maturing every day of your life.
As you continue to mature, you’ll eventually begin reaping the long-term rewards of improved decision making—which brings me to the next thing that God expects from a man. It’s the same thing women want from a man.
They want decisiveness.
— QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION —
MAN: What values and principles matter most to you? Think about a recent time in your life when you made a significant change. Which core values and principles helped you navigate that change with maturity?
WOMEN: Think about ways in which your man consistently demonstrates maturity. What principles and values does he exemplify to you?
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— PRAYERS —
MAN: Dear God, help me navigate the changes in life with maturity so that my wife can look to me for comfort in such times. Help me to pause and make use of my spiritual toolkit to help do the right thing in all situations and handle adversity with maturity. I pray this in Your name, Amen.
WOMAN: Dear God, help me encourage and support my husband and walk in Your ways. When change comes, help me to look to him as my safe haven. In Your name I pray, Amen.
— 5 —
TRAIT #2: DECISIVENESS
Living is a constant process of deciding what we are going to do next.
—José Ortega y Gasset
Have you ever encountered a man who lacks decisiveness? If so, you know he’s not someone a good woman wants to be yoked to for life. A woman wants to be with a partner who will not struggle with decision making. She wants a man who makes quality decisions quickly and confidently. Such a man has the knack for taking the right path, the wisdom to make the correct choice, and the foresight to select the best opportunities.
Decisiveness is insight in action. It’s the ability to know what’s right and, just as important, it’s the willingness to do what’s right.
Decisive people make good leaders because they arrive at the correct solution sooner rather than later. They have a profound distaste for delay; when a decision needs to be made, they make it. But they don’t stop there. Decisive leaders also possess the courage to act upon their decisions and thus avoid the trap of procrastination.
Decisiveness is an acquired skill that many people never bother to acquire. Since the days of Adam and Eve, poor decision making has been part of the human condition. But in today’s temptation-filled world, it’s easier than ever to make poor choices. As a result, bad behavior has reached epidemic proportions. Everywhere we look, or so it seems, people are doing crazy things and reaping the bitter consequences. We need look no further than our own neighborhoods to see the results of the poor choices that plague our homes and our society.
We see drug addictions, alcohol addictions, food addictions, and gambling addictions, for starters. We see too many young people who desperately need the benefits of education instead treating school as if it were a decade-long paid vacation, just killing time until that fateful day they can finally drop out. We see the gradual disintegration of traditional family values depriving too many children of the guidance they need to make good choices. So it’s no wonder that our jails are overflowing, our penitentiaries are packed, and our super-max prisons are maxed out. The inmates who reside there not only are serving time; they’re also living out the consequences of the very poor choices they made before they were incarcerated.
So what’s the answer? As a society—and as individuals—we must replace poor choices with good ones. We must replace unhealthy habits with helpful ones. And we must replace impulsivity with wisdom. To do so, we need decisive men and women who can see the world clearly, make accurate assessments, and take appropriate action at the appropriate time. Thankfully, we need look no further than God’s Word for guidance.
“Whoever is on God’s side is on the winning side, and whoever is on the other side cannot win. There is no chance, no gamble. There is freedom to choose which side we shall be on, but no freedom to negotiate the results.”
—A. W. TOZER
Perhaps you’ve made poor decisions in the past; maybe you’ve done things you’re not proud of or been in relationships that caused you great pain. Maybe Old Man Trouble has visited your house so often that you feel like he’s a member of the family. After one too many setbacks, perhaps you just don’t trust your own judgment anymore. If so, you’ve come to resemble the baseball manager Casey Stengel, who famously said, “I made up my mind, but I made it up both ways.” And that’s a problem.
Indecision results in paralysis, which inevitably morphs into unhappiness. People who avoid making decisions find themselves constantly tied up in emotional knots. Oftentimes, they’re so focused on pleasing everybody (an impossible task) that they fail to focus on pleasing God. Or instead of doing the right thing—and letting the chips fall where they may—they do nothing. William James was correct when he observed, “There is no more miserable human being than the one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision.�
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Perhaps you think that decisiveness is a gift given to only a few, and that God withheld that gift from you. But if you think that, you’re mistaken. Decisiveness is a skill that can be enhanced, improved, and refined if you begin at the beginning: God’s Word.
In the first chapter of James, God offers a clear warning to indecisive, lukewarm, double-minded believers:
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do (1:5–8 NLT).
The message is clear: you can’t expect God to help you make quality decisions quickly and confidently if you’re using the world’s value system as your guide. And as long as you trust the world’s guidance system first and God’s guidance next, you’ll always be conflicted; you’ll often make poor choices, and you’ll never be content. In order to make better choices—and to make them in a timely manner—you must develop a set of values and principles that guide your decision-making process.
Values, as I’ve stated previously, are the things that are most important to you: the things you’re willing to live for and die for. You may think that your values are straightforward. You may believe that the things you stand for are the tried-and-true clichéd values that everybody talks about: things like family, health, integrity, and faith. But here’s a word of warning: your real values are reflected in the things you do, not the things you say.
It’s easy to talk about high-sounding values; almost everybody does it. We human beings love talking about the noble things we value because talking about them makes us look good. But it’s considerably easier to verbalize those values than it is to live by them. Talk, as the old saying goes, is cheap, and that goes for self-talk, too. Often, we talk ourselves into believing that certain things are important to us, yet our behaviors reveal different priorities.
So if you really want to look at your own motivations, you’ll need to examine your actions, not your proclamations.
I have a simple two-step diagnostic tool that unfailingly reveals people’s true values (not the values they crow about). Step One concerns money; Step Two concerns time. So here’s my easy-to-use, two-step value-detector:
Step One: Look at the person’s bank account.
Step Two: Look at the person’s calendar.
If you tell me how you spend your money and your time, I’ll tell you what your real values are.
Over the years, I’ve counseled countless couples who were trying to patch things up. During all those years, through all those mentoring sessions, I’ve never encountered a husband or wife who said, “Pastor, I’m not really committed to my marriage. I’ve got more important things to do.”
To the contrary, people always proclaim their near-total commitment to their families and to their marriage. They say things like “My marriage is the most important thing in the world to me,” or “I’d do anything to keep my family together,” or “I can’t stand the thought of hurting our kids.”
These proclamations sound noble, but when I ask couples how they spend their money and their time, I discover that many things seem to have a higher priority than the marriage. For starters, money is more important (because that’s something they argue about most). TV is more important (because that’s where they spend most of their free time—and to make matters worse, they don’t even watch the same shows!). Social media is more important (because that’s how they keep up with their friends). Spectator sports are more important (because at least one spouse happens to be a “rabid” fan). Even immature pastimes like partying-with-the-guys or girl’s-nights-out are more important (because for some reason, husbands and wives feel it’s their inalienable right to “blow off steam” without their spouses).
It’s no wonder, then, that marriage begins to take a backseat. After taking time for TV, social media, spectator sports, and hanging out with the guys (or girls), there’s simply not enough time or money left to go around. When couples spend copious amounts of time away from each other, and when they spend most of their disposable income on things that separate them from each other, marital troubles inevitably accumulate.
“If you say that a relationship is important—and if you mean what you say—you’ll gladly invest the money and the time that’s required to make it work. To do so, you’ll need to take control of your own calendar.”
Everything important to me goes on my calendar, including family time. You may be saying to yourself, “Pastor, that sounds cold.” It may sound cold, but it’s not. I’ve learned that if I don’t set my own priorities, other people will set them for me. And since my family is a vitally important priority to me, I schedule family time, right there in black and white, on my daily to-do list.
Every day my calendar speaks to me. It says, “Pastor Bernard, remember this. These things are important.” That’s why I also schedule workout times. My health is important to me. If your health is important to you, you’ll carve out time for exercise, too. After all, your body is on loan, and it has an expiration date. Keep it fresh as long as you can.
Is your faith important? Then you need to make a standing appointment with God every morning, even if it means setting the alarm clock a few minutes earlier. God doesn’t need the appointment with you (He’s already got everything figured out); you need the appointment with Him. He’s always available, and His Word is right there on your bookshelf, computer, or smart phone app. The rest is up to you.
As you read these words, you may be thinking, “I’m already slammed, and now Pastor Bernard wants me to add more things to my list. Family. Exercise. Daily devotional time. There’s no way!”
If that’s what you’re thinking, here are some questions worth pondering: How much TV are you watching? How much time are you spending (wasting) on social media? What about the time you spend hanging out with casual acquaintances? And what about the time (and money) you spend following your favorite sports team? None of these activities, when pursued in moderation, is a vice. But they’re dangerous to your spiritual health if they interfere with higher priorities like faith, family, and physical health.
What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
If I were to look at your calendar and your bank account today, would I know what you stand for? Would your friends and family know? Or is your life so blurred that people can’t tell where you stand, what you stand for, and where you’re headed? These questions deserve to be answered, and you deserve the experience of answering them.
THE RULES OF THE GAME
You can think of values as the “what” and principles as the “how.”
Values are what you stand for. They’re the things you live for and the things you’re willing to die for.
Principles are the timeless truths, the practical instructions, the rules of the game that all of humanity must play by. Principles show you how to apply your values and how to accomplish you goals. But beware: not all principles are created equal.
The world offers its own set of principles, which inevitably prove to be untrue. The world promises “something for nothing,” “consequence-free sin,” and countless other free-lunch temptations that are hazardous to your emotional, financial, physical, and marital health. The world says that you can have it all without paying for it all, and that when the bill comes due, the world says that you can refinance everything and keep right on spending.
God’s principles, on the other hand, make no such promises. God doesn’t promise free lunches or consequence-free misbehavior. He says that you’ll need to work for the things you want, and He warns that if you behave badly, you’ll have to pay someday soon. God’s principles work because that’s how He desi
gned His world to work. In God’s universe, actions have reactions, behaviors have results, good seeds yield good harvests, and bad seeds don’t.
God’s principles are your roadmap to success because they help you distinguish between the things that add to your life (the assets) and the things that take away from your life (the liabilities).
These are people who add to my life—they’re assets:
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These are the people who detract from my life—they’re liabilities:
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These are the habits that improve my life—they’re assets:
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These are the habits that detract from my life—they’re liabilities:
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These are the attitudes that enhance my life—they’re assets:
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These are the attitudes that constrict my life—they’re liabilities:
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