by Rita Edah
Poor Ash, she seems to be still broken over Nathan – not that she speaks much to me, but I can sense it, and it sometimes gets my goat that I didn’t do something to rattle that S O B who would dare kidnap my niece in the name of a party. I think I let her down there. I believe I did.
Actually, I may have let her down well before now. I still wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I’d gone with Mel instead. But she was already a mum, you see, and I didn’t think it right that I should father another’s child. Plus she wasn’t completely free of him anyway, and by the time she was well and truly free, she was a mother of two.
I thought it best to start from scratch with Beauty. Which is ironical as now we are talking about adoption and ultimately me having to father another’s child (or children, as Beauty is so besotted with the idea of having many).
Still, I made my bed, I lie on it… that was my last thought till Beauty, looking gorgeous in her blue, white, yellow and red African print halter-neck maxi dress was stirring me gently. “Wake up Theo, our first guests have arrived.”
23rd June, 2006. Theo’s 40th birthday
Melody
They bless my heart, my two children – I beg your pardon, young adults. Flanking me on either side were Josh to my left, hair unplaited in honour of Theo who can’t stand boys’ hair in braids, and Ash to my right, resplendent in her spaghetti-strapped evening dress, looking every bit like Beauty did as a teenager. She seems to be getting over Nathan now, and looking forward to college in September. I am looking forward to a bright future for her of course, but now wasn’t the time to dwell on the implications of that for me, so I must deliberately move my mind to thinking of something else, something inspiring, something worthy of my mental energy… like for instance, she is going to college from home, unlike Josh who thought it best to move away and start afresh in Hull.
Because she considered the catfish peppersoup to be a bit on the spicy side (it was mild for me though), Beauty thought it would be best if we all sat down to have that. “Thereafter,” she’d said, “everyone can feel free to pick and mix whatever they want whenever and however they want it.”
Sitting next to Josh were Sandra and Simon. And beside him was Theo. Next to Ash was Rob, then Sunita, and Daisy who was right next to Beauty. Theo and Beauty were almost directly opposite me. And I could see that she was positively glowing. And Theo, he looked pleased, humming along to the Bob Marley number playing in the background.
I am pleased to see them this way, having overcome the rough patch they had a while ago. This then surely must be a good time to share… or is it?
The peppersoup did its job – stimulating my appetite and raising a lot of culinary queries from the other guests. Not wanting to miss out on anything, I had a little bit from each of the other appetisers: angel hair pasta with shrimps and basil, and baked crab, brie with artichoke dip. Considering I don’t like cheese, I should’ve given the latter a miss. I needed another helping of peppersoup to bring my taste buds back to base.
By the end of the main course – seafood paella and grilled fish with spicy chips – I was ready to burst. It’s not as though I had to have everything; the reason there was more than one dish was so people had a choice, and stuffing oneself wasn’t part of the deal, I don’t think. I’m usually quite temperate, but today the nerves seem to be getting the better of me… I’d better be careful with the drinks and just stick to lemonade.
It’s just as well that there were games planned before we got to the cutting of the liner of a cake. As if she read my thoughts, Beauty announced, “It’s time for some party games. First it’s musical statues to burn off some calories before we light Theo’s 40 candles. Sunita and I will be the judges.”
“Before then, I have something to say,” said Theo as he got up, gesticulating with the long glass he was sipping from. “I want to say thank you to everyone.”
“It’s not yet time for a vote of thanks, love,” Beauty’s protest fell on deaf ears.
“Thank you for taking the time to come to this beautiful dinner party organised by my wife. It certainly beats being in her company for two weeks, and apart from the slightly burnt paella and an unduly expensive watch for a present, this is certainly the best birthday I’ve ever had.”
Seeing the colour drain from Beauty, I knew I had to do something.
“So it’s hip, hip, hip hurray to the birthday boy,” I chimed. Thankfully, everyone joined in:
“Hip, hip, hip, hurray! Hip, hip, hip, hurray! For he’s a jolly good fellow, he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us, hurray!”
Thereafter it was musical statues (which Ash won), beach blanket bingo (I still don’t understand the rules of the game, but Simon won that) and Pictionary (which my group rightfully won). It was cake cutting at 9.15ish and winding down at 10pm. Such a wonderful atmosphere, an excellent party in every way.
But for the fact of it being a Tuesday, it may have carried on till the small hours. I offered to stay behind and help clean up, so Josh took Ash home.
Without speaking, labour was divided into Beauty in the kitchen, me and Theo in the lounge. For some reason, it felt odd being alone with Theo in one room. Willing myself to focus and live in the now, I smiled at him, “Good party unh?”
“Sure. The best. Now I can look forward to the cruise as just a regular holiday.”
He didn’t seem to be taking much care in taking down the balloons and lanterns dropping down from the ceiling. Oh well, he might find redecorating therapeutic.
“Well, you can see it as a second honeymoon.”
He chuckled, and really looked like he enjoyed the thought. Then I took in what he was saying, “Everything with Beauty is so flabby now, there’s no honey left in the moons.”
“Have you had too much to drink? Do you realise you are talking about my sister? To me?”
“No, Mel dear, I’m not drunk. And yes, I am talking about your sister. I think I got short-changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I got the wrong sister. It should have been you.”
“And when did you determine that?” I was surprised at how angry I got, and how quickly too. But there was no holding back now. “Was it after you went off and left me with child? Or was when you realised you couldn’t have one with…”
“Hey! Cool it! You already had a child, remember?”
“Yes, I remember. And there was another one coming when you upped and left me for Beauty.” Oh my God, what have I done?
“I beg your pardon?”
“Yes, Ash was on the way.”
The longest silence ever.
“You never told me.” His voice dripped with – anger? Sadness?
“You’d left by the time I found out. I wouldn’t make you break up with Beauty out of some distorted sense of duty to my unborn child. If you loved me, you’d have stayed. And you didn’t.”
“So, why didn’t you tell me?” Okay, it was clearer now, certainly anger. Very much of it.
“Because it wasn’t necessary. You’d left. Nick was trying to get back on the scene. I thought we might work things out. We didn’t. He left. You married Beauty… and some 16 years later, here we are…”
Another long pause.
“Look, Theo,” I continued as he shrugged my hand off his shoulder, “this isn’t how I’d planned to tell you. I am really sorry to shock you like this, but I’m glad it’s out. Now I have to come out clean to Ash, and to Josh, and finally to Nick when I do find him, so everyone knows the score.”
“What about Beauty?”
“What about her?”
“Who’s to tell her? And how can I be sure this is true?”
“I will, but not today, I’ll pick the time and place. Just look after her for me, and stop being so insensitive to her. There was no need for those jibes in your supposedly thank you speech, you know that.”
“Ash doesn’t look like me,” his head was shaking, as if of its own accord.
“No, she looks like Beauty. And they get on well, so I guess that helps. If you like, there are tests…”
I didn’t see it coming. “You get out of my house and stay out,” he roared. “Leave Beauty to me and get out! Now!” His face was suddenly a mask of the Ewuwu masquerade. His voice, a combination of a rattlesnake and a bulldog, pierced through my heart into my spine. I suddenly felt like using the bathroom, but didn’t dare move…
“Is everything all right?” Beauty ran in from the kitchen, dishcloth in hand, worry written all over her brow. She looked from me to Theo who was back on his easy chair, vigorously working his right leg that’s crossed over his left, and then back to me.
“Yes, all is well. I was just leaving. I’ll see myself to the door. Thanks for a lovely evening.” And I skulked into the night.
23rd June, 2006. Theo’s 40th birthday
Beauty
I don’t miss him now when he goes away. I’m ashamed to admit it to myself, but I’m actually quite pleased when he is out of town on duty. I feel like a breath of fresh air, a new petal daring to stretch out as spring breaks in.
Sunita broke into my thoughts, “Do you want a bistik, Aunty B?” I scooped her to my bosom, soft Rich Tea and all, and did our special swing-around two step two lunge dance – it always sends Sunita into hysterics, and me along with her. Today though, it helped mask my tears. They’ve been popping up more frequently now, at the most inopportune times, and in the most inauspicious places I find myself tearful and I don’t always know why.
This time though, I knew – Sunita is going into fulltime school soon. And yes, I could and will begin to take on other children, but there’s a place in my heart reserved only for Sunita. I had considered homeschooling her, but dropped the idea in a hurry. It’s not my call, and besides, Theo will certainly have something to say about that.
Anyway, to help me cope with the transition, I’ve planned so much between now and 2nd September for Sunita and me to do, my digital camera and camcorder working harder now than ever before. So when Theo came up with his birthday cruise idea, I knew immediately that it wouldn’t sail.
And besides, I remember the last time we went away together. We were going through a stormy season (we seem to always be going through those). This was a few weeks after I’d lost Frankie. Theo was always opposed to counselling of any sort, but was happy to flow with the holiday idea. I thought the sea air would do us some good and the sun would certainly lift my spirits. Theo’s precise words were, “I’ll go anywhere in the world as long as I’m with you.”
So off we went to the seaside resort of Bracciano, near Rome. I was enamoured with the glossy pictures, and the fact that Rome was easily accessible meant there were options if we’d exhausted all that the little island and its neighbouring villages had to offer. Theo had left it entirely up to me, so I just ran with it.
The first dampener, however, was the villa we shared with another couple and a single man in his thirties, Adam. It was no way as large or as luxurious as the brochures suggested. And although we each had our own self-contained units, complete with en suite and kitchenette, sharing only the lounge, the walls may as well have been made of cardboard. I could hear Adam on his phone and talking back to the baseball game on TV. The elderly couple were quieter, though on occasions I heard one or the other of them snoring.
And then, it rained non-stop. Which ruled out strolling along the sunny beach – ambling aimlessly in the rain was not my idea of a holiday. Visiting museums, markets and cathedrals wasn’t Theo’s. So we were stuck mostly in our little unit, Theo sulking and hugging the TV remote and me lost in my reading material, and dreams of my own cosy bed in England – preferably without Theo in it.
However, what made it one of the longest weeks of my life was that there wasn’t much to distract me; I couldn’t find any inspiration for my painting and there was no one to comfort me as I wrestled with the shadows of my losses. I took lots of showers so it could explain the soreness in my eyes. And oh, how sore they were…
So no, thanks, I wasn’t prepared to give up my plans for the last summer with Sunita in my care for a two-week Mediterranean or Caribbean cruise with Theo. The chances of me jumping overboard were more real than I wanted to entertain.
I did try to let him down gently though. However, he took it real hard – giving me the silent treatment for a while, then barking at me for no reason, and then leaving his socks and stuff littered everywhere. When I got tired of picking up after him and tiptoeing around him, I took him to task last weekend.
“I take it you don’t want your birthday party then?”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, you are still not speaking to me – barking and grunting don’t count – you’re still going around the place like a wounded bear.”
“I really wanted the cruise.”
“I know. You can still have it, just at a later date.”
“Yes, but I wanted it for my 40th, and I wanted you for myself.”
“So, should I cancel the party then?” It was all I could do to keep my voice from breaking. I was now willing to concede – we could go on the cruise, I’d grin and bear it, I’d arrange something with Daisy so as to have times with Sunita in the school holidays (she wants to be doing the school runs so that she can be actively engaged in her life, she said to me). So yes, if that would get Theo out of the pits, then perhaps that was better than forcing him to be happy at his own birthday party. I guess the thought of coming back home to being available for Sunita would keep me sane as we sailed.
“Okay. I know it’s a bit late in the day, but who knows, we might even get a last-minute deal and save ourselves a few pounds.” By now, the enthusiasm was in the process of transforming from forced to real.
“No, Beauty,” Theo said. Did I detect tenderness in his voice? “Let’s leave it this time. We can have a cruise some other time, maybe to mark an anniversary – or even your birthday. Let’s get on with the party – it sounds like so much fun.”
That thoughtfulness really made me feel good on the inside. And the party was successful – at least largely. I’m not sure what to make of his little dig just before the games, but I plan to revisit that later. The guests were a thrill, really getting into it… and kindly complimenting the food, and everything really. My mind was going over all of this as I did the dishes when I heard what sounded like a row between Mel and Theo.
After she’d left, I went back to continue, needing to get everything out of the way, seeing to it that the house was childproof again and then to have a good night’s rest before Sunita’s arrival at 8am in the morning. When Theo padded along to drop his glass in the sink, I asked him, “So what was that about?”
He looked dazed. Staggered a bit. “Have you been drinking?”
“Not any more than my usual. I’ve just been thinking.”
“What about?”
“About Melody and what she said.”
The back of my neck tingled, and my tongue went dry. Eventually I managed, “So, are you going to tell me what she said?”
“I don’t know that I should. She said she’ll tell you herself.”
Now my heart was racing. “Did anyone die?”
He chuckled, “No, Beauty, no one’s died. But somebody was born.”
“Please don’t speak in riddles. Actually, why don’t I just get the phone and call Mel myself?” He took one stride and was next to me by the sink. “No, don’t call her. I’ll tell you…” and muttered something under his breath.
Now my grip on the sink was so tight you could see my veins. He was pacing, his veins popping along his neck and temples. Eventually, he took in a deep breath.
“Beauty, it is both good news and bad news, all at once.”
“Yes?”
“Ash is my baby.”
“What?”
“Sweetie, Mel said that I am Ashleigh’s father.”
I was thinking that if this was a joke, it surely was in bad t
aste. “Is this even possible?” I tried to sound light.
His answer, however, was a subdued “Yes,” with his eyes on his toes.
“You slept with Melody?”
“That was before us, sweetie – and obviously she didn’t tell you either. Some sister she is.”
I was thinking ‘I must still be asleep. I am not hearing what I think I am hearing. I want to wake up’.
“You had an affair with Melody?”
“I’m sorry. I did. But I chose you in the end, surely that must count for something?”
I was scratching myself for I’d begun to itch all over… it was all I could do to get my thoughts in order.
“And you never thought to tell me this before now?”
“I’m sorry, okay…”
“And so should you be, you lying conniving backstabbing bastard!”
With each word, I’d flung an item at him. He ran round the kitchen playing ‘dodge crockery’, and then I went after him with two of the largest white dishes screaming, “Get out, get out of my life, now, get out…”
“Beauty, I’m sorry, we can work this out.”
The more he said that, the angrier – and louder – I got. Then he stopped running and turned to face me. “Now put those dishes down or else…”
“Or else what? You’ll call the police? You are the police, so arrest me, you bastard.”
“Beauty! Stop it!”
Now he was holding my arms. I was screaming, “Leave me alone,” as I wriggled, trying – and failing – to free myself from his grip.
He was shaking me. “Stop it! Stop it, let’s talk this through.”
He was shaking me. Vigorously. Whipping my head back and forth; he kept shaking me, even as my screams gradually petered into a whimper… and then I went limp in his hands…
The next thing I knew, I felt myself up on the chandelier looking down at my form on the floor with my weeping husband banging the tiles with his fists and calling out my name again and again… and again…