by Shannon West
Nick put his hand tentatively, gently, on his thigh. Neither of them moved for a long moment. Carter breathed in abruptly, surprised and despite himself, a little excited. Nick slowly moved his hand to Carter’s inner thigh, stroking gently. Carter allowed it, the touch sending a shiver up his spine.
Nick turned toward Carter, saying quietly, “Come over here.”
Carter hesitated a long moment before he crawled over to Nick and lay down beside him on top of his sleeping bag, their bodies touching. “I’ve never...I don’t know what to do,” Carter whispered.
“I do,” Nick said, leaning over and just brushing his mouth against Carter’s, then looking down into his face as if to gauge his reaction.
Carter looked back up at him, trembling, and Nick bent his head to kiss him again. The kiss was slow and sweet. Nick’s lips were warm and full, and he opened his mouth and breathed into Carter’s gently. Nick deepened the kiss, gently teasing Carter’s mouth open wider with his own and biting ever so softly on his bottom lip. Carter groaned and threw his arms around Nick’s waist, squeezing him tightly and burying his head against his chest. Nick smiled and squeezed him back. “It’s okay, baby. We won’t do anything you don’t want to do. We have all night.”
Carter was trying to catch his breath, and Nick pushed him on his back and tugged on his shorts. “Take these off, and I’ll show you.” Carter pulled off his shorts and T- shirt and then lay back down self-consciously. He was a virgin, and had never gotten much past second base with his girlfriends in the past. It was oddly familiar to lie here beside Nick. They’d spent so many nights together as kids, even sharing the same bed. Nick got up on one elbow, trailing his fingers over Carter’s stomach.
Carter’s thighs were covered with soft golden hairs, leading up to the thatch of blonde curls at his groin. Watching Carter’s face carefully in the dim light, Nick ran his hand over his legs, coming ever closer to his balls, his hand lightly cupping him and moving on to his shaft. Carter squirmed around, excited and uncomfortable with his touch.
“Settle down, baby. Just relax,” Nick said softly and then bent to taste him. Never, in his wildest dreams had Carter imagined it would feel like that. What Nick was doing made him shudder all over, made him squirm around out of control and made his heart thud so hard in his chest he thought he must be having a heart attack.
Nick took him in his mouth as much as he could, enclosing all of his shaft, and then slowly moved back up. With every stroke, Carter was gasping and groaning and unable to lie still. Nick cupped his balls and kneaded them, squeezing gently to try to settle him down, but Carter was too excited.
Nick pulled away, giving him a chance to control it. Instead Carter moaned out, “No…no, don’t stop, please. I’m so close.” He pulled Nick’s head back down, and he continued his attentions, moving even faster now. With a loud groan of excitement, Carter came explosively, his hips bucking. Nick pulled his head away and put his hand on him, milking every last drop until he lay still finally, spent and exhausted. He had a hard time catching his breath and looked up at Nick with a wide-eyed expression of wonder. Nick laughed gently, dropping a kiss on his beautiful mouth.
“What have I done? I can’t do this again—I can’t. Okay? Please Nick, let’s stop.”
“Okay, Carter. It’s all right.” Nick hooded his eyes, but not before Carter saw the hurt deep inside them. He put a hand out to touch his cheek softly and Nick looked up, his eyes filled with shining tears.
“I don’t want this to ruin anything between us, Nick. Please. I know you do this stuff with Brandon, and...” He rolled over abruptly back to his side of the tent.
Nick came after him, as Carter knew he would, and put a hand on his hip. “Carter, what is it? What do you want from me?” His voice was miserable, and it broke Carter’s heart. He turned back over and faced him.
“Don’t you see, Nick, I don’t know. All I know is I can’t stand you being with Brandon all the time. I know it’s selfish, but I don’t care. It-it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know what you two are doing. If you don’t ever tell me. And when I want to be with you, please don’t blow me off to be with him.”
“So what you’re saying is, you don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either.”
“No. Yes. I guess so. It sounds awful when you say it like that.”
“How else do you want me to say it?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m being an ass, and I know it, but I can’t help it. Can we go back to being best friends again, Nick? Can things be the way they used to be between us? Please, Nick.”
Nick sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, I guess so.” He brushed his hand over Carter’s hip again. “Damn it, Carter, you know how I feel about you. Even if you don’t feel the same way.”
“But I do! I mean, it sounds so girly when I say it, but you know I do. I just can’t...I can’t.” To his horror, he started crying, stupid tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes.
Nick hesitated only a moment before he gathered him into his arms, patting his back. “It’s okay, baby. I understand. Don’t cry.”
Holding him in his arms, he lay down with him and before long the heavily charged emotions took their toll, and Carter fell sound asleep, still sticky with cum and naked in Nick’s arms. They slept that way all night long, until Carter awoke the next morning, hearing the sounds of Nick stoking up the campfire. Carter hurriedly pulled on his jeans, and came out to help fix breakfast before he hit the shower. Neither of them ever mentioned what happened again, though Carter thought of it often.
They remained best friends, against all odds, and though Nick continued with Brandon, and later, other boys, but he never turned Carter down again, and was always there for him, no matter what.
They were best friends through high school and were damn near inseparable. When it came time for college they’d both gone to the University of Georgia, with Nick turning down a full football scholarship to a smaller college to follow Carter. They shared a dorm room at first and then an apartment off campus later on. Carter dated girls, and Nick dated a series of guys, but neither of them ever became serious about anybody. Not until Nick met a boy named Tim in his sophomore year.
Tim Atkins was a handsome football jock he’d met in class. Nick played second string football too, and they’d become very close both on and off the field. Carter hated the sight of him. Carter went to all the home games and watched Nick on the field. He loved the way he moved, fast and sure-footed, with a grace rare in such a big guy. On the last night of the season, their team won and Carter went down to the field to congratulate Nick. He had his date with him, a cute redhead he’d been seeing for a few weeks. Holding her hand, he’d walked out onto the field, dodging the jubilant players and other students, his eyes searching for Nick.
Finally, Carter saw him standing beside Tim, Tim’s arm casually slung around his neck, and a feeling of white hot jealousy speared through him. Tim was acting as if he already owned him or something. Tim leaned over as he watched and laughingly whispered something in Nick’s ear, and all Carter wanted to do was wipe the stupid smile off his face.
Tim and Nick continued to date for over a month—a long time for Nick—and Tim asked him to share an apartment off campus.
When Nick mentioned it to Carter one night over dinner, a feeling of sheer panic rippled through his body.
“Are you serious? You can’t be serious! Tim is a Neanderthal—I swear he even drags his knuckles sometimes when he walks. You can do so much better than him, Nick.”
“Tim’s a good friend of mine, Carter, and a very nice person. He may not be the brightest...”
“Brightest? He’s a great proof of reincarnation. Nobody could get so dumb in one lifetime. I’m sure he had to get into college on a football scholarship—his SAT scores were in the basement, I’ll bet. Does he have you do his homework for him? Tie his shoes?”
“Shut up, Carter. Some of the girls you date aren’t exactly Rhodes schola
rs either, you know. I don’t understand why you dislike him so much. He’s always been nice to you.”
“It’s not that I dislike him—I think you deserve better, that’s all. I want you to be happy, really, I do. But not with a guy like him. Hold out for somebody really special, Nick, because you’re really special yourself.”
Carter fixed Nick with a long look then, and put in his whole heart and soul, trying to tell him with his eyes how much he loved him. Trying to tell him he would be devastated if he moved out with someone else. Begging him to understand. Nick returned his gaze in confusion for a moment before getting up and pouring himself a glass of tea. As soon as he stood up, Carter realized Nick’s cock was as hard as marble, straining against his jeans. Nick turned quickly away and hid himself behind the counter, but Carter had seen it. Was it because of the look they’d shared? Or was he thinking of Tim?
Nick came back and sat down self-consciously. “Okay, Carter, if you feel so strongly about me moving out, then I won’t do it. I’ll stay here with you.”
Carter knew his face lit up with relief. “Thank you, Nick. I know it’s for the best, really.”
Even though he was happy, a part of him felt searing guilt. He wouldn’t—couldn’t—tell Nick he was feeling jealous. In his rational, daytime moments, he thought it was because he didn’t want to lose their close friendship, but late at night, when he awoke from troubling dreams about Nick, he suspected the real reason, and it scared him to death. He knew he could tell Nick, and Nick would help him explore these feelings, but what if, after he satisfied his urges, he wanted to stop? He’d done that to Nick one time, and he couldn’t do it to him again. What if he felt he had to continue when he didn’t want it anymore? What if it made him hate Nick?
So, he selfishly kept Nick to himself, and away from this other boy, who might really have had feelings for Nick. Nick was staying, and it was all that was really important. He kept Nick as his alone until Nick’s junior year.
Carter was an English major and Nick hadn’t declared a major yet, still drifting a bit, until the day he discovered ROTC. Nick told him it never occurred to him before to join, since he never had a particularly burning interest in the military. Then on Veterans Day, in a History class, he said the speaker was the ROTC instructor, a really cool guy, who had seen it all and done most of it, and by the end of the class, Nick was hooked. The next morning, he had gone to see his advisor and signed up for ROTC, with an application for a full ride if he joined the Army upon graduation. He’d go in as a Second Lieutenant, and right into Officer Training School. The prospect excited him. When Nick told all this to Carter, however, Carter fixed him with a cold and incredulous stare.
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
Carter had only arrived back at the apartment they shared a few minutes before and was busying himself making a sandwich. He stopped dead still, the mayonnaise dripping off his knife.
“Nope. I start right away. By graduation, I’ll be a lieutenant in the U.S. Army.”
“Without telling me? Or even doing me the courtesy of discussing it?”
“I didn’t really think...”
Carter slammed down the knife in his hand and put both hands on the counter, leaning over to yell at him. “You didn’t think! Well, of course not. You never think things through. You just rush into things without thinking. You always do this, Nick, and it never works out for you. Let’s leave aside the very large issue of your getting your ass shot off for the moment. You know I am totally against the idea of the military and war. I’m the president of Students for Peace, for God’s sake.”
Nick ran his hand through his hair. “Calm down, Carter. Whatever organizations you’re in has nothing to do with me, really. We’re best friends, but we’ve always had differences of opinion politically.”
“And the issue of getting yourself killed? Is that not important to me—to all your friends and family?”
Nick shifted feet uncomfortably. “I don’t know, Carter. I wasn’t thinking about anybody else. It’s my decision. It’s not for another two years yet.”
“Oh, two whole years. And then what? Nick, it’s dangerous over there. People our age and younger are being killed all the time. No, it’s out of the question. You’ve got to get out of this.”
Carter was furious. The ROTC guys had taken advantage of Nick, and he’d find a way to get him out of it. He had to. Nick kept his mouth shut, not arguing with Carter, allowing him to rant and rave for a few days until Carter thought he’d finally convinced him of the idiocy of his plan and finally stopped talking about it.
It hadn’t taken too long for Carter to discover Nick was still in the ROTC and hadn’t changed his mind. He was angry, but Nick wouldn’t budge. Carter started up a near constant barrage of jokes and ridicule of the military establishment, but nothing deterred Nick from his plan.
As Nick neared his senior year, Carter’s comments became more and more bitter, and he delighted in showing Nick the daily statistics of wounded and killed in Iraq that he gleaned from the news media.
Finally, in the spring of Nick’s senior year, only months before Nick reported to the Army for officer’s training, Carter decided he couldn’t stand by and watch him leave. Hurt and frustrated by his inability to manipulate Nick like he’d always done, he decided to move out. Nick needed something dramatic to make him wake up. Carter decided to move out and force Nick to give in by refusing to come back until he renounced this stupid idea.
He was packing when Nick came home. The door opened to his bedroom and Nick stood framed in the doorway. He tilted his head in confusion as he looked at all the boxes, and Carter’s room stripped clean.
“What the hell are you doing, Carter?”
“I’ve decided I can’t be a hypocrite anymore. I’ve tried my best to talk you out of this insanity, but I can’t. I don’t believe in this war or in what you’re doing. You’re my best friend, and I love you like a brother, but I have to get out of this apartment. If I stay, it’s like I’m condoning your behavior. I can’t do that.”
“My behavior? I’m not a child—I’m a grown man who wants to serve his country. I’m sorry if you can’t understand that.”
“I understand you’re sincere. I do. Even though I think you’re misguided. But it doesn’t mean I can hang around and watch this. I can’t stand idly by while you march off to war. I need some space. You know this goes against everything I believe in.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, don’t give me all this dramatic, liberal bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit, Nick. This war is wrong. I’m not willing to offer you up as a sacrifice to some politician’s paranoia.”
“Shut the fuck up, Carter. If you’re tired of being my friend, if you want to move out, simply say so. Don’t hide behind your liberal propaganda.”
Carter shook his head and locked his suitcase. He pulled it off the bed and gave Nick one last look. “I don’t want to go, Nick. I won’t leave if you’ll tell me you won’t do this. Please tell me you won’t do this. Don’t sacrifice your future because of your stubborn pride.”
Nick simply stared at him, shaking his head. “You’re crazy. You’d think you were my goddamn boyfriend or something, the way you’re acting.”
Carter looked at him with a shocked expression on his face. The remark hit a little too close to home. Had Nick guessed his feelings? Did he realize it wasn’t really about anti-war sentiment? It was about the abject, gut wrenching fear he had of Nick being hurt or God forbid, killed? Did he know he still remembered how his lips had felt against his? How his hard body felt pressed up to his own?
A feeling of hot shame flooded him, and he pressed his lips tightly together and turned to go. Nick stood in the doorway of the bedroom, clenching his fists. When Carter got to the door, Nick yelled at him. “If you leave like this over something so stupid, our friendship is over, Carter. I mean it!” Carter shook his head sadly. Nausea churned in his stomach, and he didn’t trust himself to speak. Biting his lip,
he opened the door and walked out of Nick’s life.
Nick proved stubborn. He refused to budge. He graduated from training, and came home on a thirty day leave before he left to go overseas. Carter was home that summer too, taking a break between classes. They hadn’t seen too much of each other. Nick spent most of his leave with his dad, working on an old car in the garage. His dad’s health had been a little iffy. They spent most days rebuilding the motor on his dad’s old Chevy truck.
One night, near the end of July, Carter had been out with a girl he’d met at a club. She was a nice girl, no one serious. As he’d sat with her in the crowded restaurant he’d seen the back of a familiar head. One with short brown hair in a military cut. It was Nick, of course, having dinner with his parents.
When Nick’s mom saw Carter, she had to stop by his table on the way out. Carter looked up and felt himself blush when he saw Nick. He hadn’t really spoken with him since moving out of their apartment. He saw Nick looking down at Carter’s hand entwined with the girl’s, and he dropped her hand quickly in embarrassment, pulling his own hand under the table. He introduced the woman with him to Nick’s family, and they all exchanged pleasantries.
“How are you, Nick?” He asked pointedly, seeing how Nick tried not to look directly at him after the first sharp glance. Surely Nick knew Carter tried to catch his eye. Instead he stood there quietly, feigning indifference.
Nick glanced over at him with a blank expression. “Fine, Carter. How are you?”
“Nick is leaving for Iraq in the morning,” Nick’s mom told him. “I know he doesn’t want me to be nervous, but I really can’t help it. It’s so dangerous over there.”