by Nick Payne
Alan Would you feel comfortable talking to him about that sort of thing?
Joy Of course. I’m his mother.
Alan There we are then.
Joy What does that mean?
Alan It means I think we’ve sorted that one out then.
Tim (off ) Mum?
Joy Yes?
Enter Tim.
Tim Have you seen my trainers?
Joy Which ones?
Tim My white ones.
Joy I don’t think so, no, sorry.
Have you tried the back door?
Tim Yeah.
Joy and Alan are staring at Tim.
What?
Joy and Alan shake their heads.
Night.
Exit Tim.
Joy Have you ever looked at pornography on our laptop?
Alan What?
Joy Have you ever looked at pornography on the laptop we have downstairs?
Alan Joy.
…
Of course I have.
Of course I have.
Joy …
Alan It’s really late, Joy.
Do we really want to start talking about this now? I don’t have a subscription or anything like that.
But, yes, there are times when I do feel the need to.
But I don’t keep anything in the house and I always clear the history.
Joy I think you need to speak to someone.
About your colleague.
I think it’s important that it doesn’t pass by unnoticed.
I’m going to sleep now.
FIVE
Joy’s office. Day.
Joy.
Enter Stephen.
Stephen Hello again.
Joy Stephen.
Stephen I’ll be quick.
Joy I’m sorry, but you can’t –
Stephen I’ve been waiting. Lady at the desk said you might be taking lunch soon.
Joy There are people waiting –
Stephen Would you come for a drink with me later on this evening?
Joy …
Stephen I’m not –
Joy Stephen –
Stephen I said last time I was here, I just think it would be really lovely –
Joy I’m sorry, but there are people waiting.
Stephen I’m married.
Joy …
Stephen If that’s what you’re worried about, I mean.
I have no desire to.
As a friend, that’s all.
One drink.
Joy It’s the middle of the day?
Stephen Not now.
Tonight.
Joy …
Stephen Tonight.
As soon as you’re finished.
An hour, tops.
Joy …
Will you let me have a think about it?
Stephen …
Joy Do you have a number that I could contact you on?
Stephen Don’t you have it?
Joy No, I –
Stephen You have my file, Joy.
Joy That’s – I can’t –
Stephen It’s a joke, I’m joking.
Joy We can’t just ask for those, though.
Stephen I was joking.
Joy I can’t just go to Lesley and say –
Stephen I’m sure –
Joy That’s not really how it works.
Stephen May I?
Stephen writes his mobile telephone number on Joy’s prescription pad.
I recommend that you call this number at least once a day.
…
That was a –
Joy There are people waiting.
Stephen moves to go, stops.
Stephen I didn’t mean to scare you.
Joy …
Stephen It’s just really wonderful to see you again.
SIX
English Department office. Day.
Clare.
Enter Alan.
Alan Hello, Clare.
Clare Hello.
Alan Good day?
Clare The usual mix of shame and rage.
You?
Alan So so.
I spoke to Neil.
Clare Go on.
Alan It didn’t go terribly well to be perfectly honest with you.
Clare Oh God, what did he say?
Alan He got very defensive.
Clare Defensive?
Alan nods.
About what?
Alan All sorts of things.
Clare Are you alright?
Alan Me?
Clare You look a bit.
Alan A bit?
Clare Despondent.
Alan He really was very angry.
Clare I think you did the right thing.
Alan He almost started to cry at one point.
Clare To cry?
Alan He’s having real problems at home.
He said he’s been sleeping in his car.
Clare His car?
Alan nods.
Maybe he needs to take some time off?
Alan nods.
Don’t worry. Please.
Irrespective of what’s happening to him at home, he knows he shouldn’t have been doing what he was doing.
Funny thing is, I don’t understand why he doesn’t just use the toilet like the rest of us?
Alan Sorry?
Clare Neil.
Alan nods.
Are you sure you’re alright?
Alan nods.
What’re you up to now?
Alan Sorry?
Clare Are you off home, do you fancy a drink?
Alan I hadn’t really thought about it.
Clare I’ll probably be finished in about ten minutes or so.
Alan Ten minutes.
Clare If you’d rather get going –
Alan No, no, no.
Clare It just suddenly occurred to me it’s the least I could do.
Alan Okay.
Clare Great.
SEVEN
Michelle’s bedroom. Early evening.
Tim and Michelle: homework.
Tim watches Michelle for a moment.
Tim Can I ask you something?
Michelle I don’t know, can you?
Tim?
Michelle Was a joke.
Tim Oh.
Michelle You said –
Tim Right, yeah, no.
Michelle Anyway.
Tim It’s more a favour.
You know Jenny Talbot?
Michelle Sort of.
Tim Tall, dark hair.
Anyway, I’m.
I s’pose I’m sort of thinking about asking her out.
As in, go out, with me.
Michelle Okay.
Tim But. Well.
S’pose I’m conscious that she’s older.
Michelle Sixth-former.
Tim Yeah, well, I s’pose ’s something I’m really conscious of.
Michelle Okay.
Tim Yeah, well.
Don’t really know how to say this, but.
You’re pretty experienced.
Michelle I’m what?
Tim Experienced.
Michelle Experienced?
Tim Yeah.
As in.
Well you know what I mean.
Michelle …
Tim It.
Michelle?
Tim Sex and stuff.
Michelle Sex and stuff?
Tim I know it sounds weird –
Michelle It does a bit.
Tim But I s’pose I just. You know.
She’s older.
I’m young.
And, you know, I’m not exactly.
But I’m assuming she’s gonna –
Michelle She’s only a couple of years older than you, Tim.
Tim Still.
Michelle She’s hardly gonna expect fireworks.
Tim Still.
Michelle So what’s the favour?
Tim It’s gonna sound really weird, but.
Michelle Go on.
Tim I wondered if we might be able to.
If you might be able to help me.
Michelle How do you mean?
Tim Well.
I was, wondering, if you, we, if you might be able to.
Help.
Me.
Sex.
I was wondering if you might be able to help me –
Michelle Sex?
Tim Yeah.
Michelle You want me to help you have sex?
Tim Yeah.
Well yeah sort of.
Michelle What d’you mean, ‘sort of’?
Tim I s’pose what I’m trying to say, is.
Can we practise.
Stuff.
Before.
You know before I ask her out.
Michelle It’s not tennis, Tim.
Tim No, I know –
Michelle You don’t have to ace the poor woman the first time you shag her.
Tim No, I know, I know.
But.
You know.
She’s gonna want certain stuff.
And.
I s’pose.
Is this weird?
Michelle It is fairly weird, yeah.
Tim Fuck, I’m sorry.
Michelle What d’you wanna practise?
Tim All sorts of stuff I guess.
Michelle Specifically.
Tim Going down and stuff.
Michelle Fucking hell, Tim.
Tim This is really weird, isn’t it?
Michelle I thought you were joking.
Tim shakes his head a little.
Let me have a think about it.
You shouldn’t worry about all this so much, you know.
Tim No, I know, I know.
I just. I just really like her.
I just really, really like her.
EIGHT
Simultaneous: bar and pub. Night.
Bar: Joy.
Enter Stephen with drinks.
Stephen is on his way to being a wee bit drunk.
Stephen Bit quieter in here, don’t you think?
Joy Mmm.
Stephen Anyway.
Here’s to it.
Stephen and Joy toast.
They sip their drinks.
You’ve hardly changed, you know.
Joy Sorry?
Stephen You’ve hardly changed.
You’re still an extraordinary looking woman, Joy.
Joy Stephen, I.
I have to confess, you’re making me feel a little uncomfortable.
Stephen Uncomfortable?
Joy A little, yes.
Stephen I’m making you feel –
Joy Yes, just a little, yes.
Stephen …
Joy, I’m sorry.
Joy, I really am very sorry.
You’re right, I.
I am a little.
The reason that I’m back in St Albans is because –
My father passed away just under a month ago and I’m here to clear out his house.
Joy …
Stephen I should have said.
Annabelle, my wife, she wasn’t able to stay and help out because of ‘work commitments’.
So it’s been a fairly peculiar couple of weeks. Going through my father’s things. What’s left.
Having to do all of that alone.
It’s.
Pub: enter Alan and Clare, with drinks.
Clare is on her way to being a wee bit drunk.
Clare I’ll be honest with you, Alan, I did not have you down as a fan of real ale.
Alan I’m actually a member.
CAMRA.
The Campaign for Real Ale. I’m actually a member.
Clare Who knew.
A toast.
Alan and Clare toast.
Joy How old was your father?
Stephen Sixty-seven.
Joy And, your mother, is she –
Stephen Long gone, I’m afraid.
Joy Stephen I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to say.
Stephen You could say that you’ve got time for one more?
Clare Have I met your wife?
Alan I thought you had. But she assures me you’ve not.
Clare What does she look like?
Alan Tired, worn out, uptight.
Clare Is that meant to be a joke?
Alan No.
I promise you that’s exactly how she looks.
Clare I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say about your wife, Alan.
Alan No.
How about yourself?
Clare I don’t think it would be a very nice thing to say about me either.
Alan I meant –
Clare I know what you meant.
I’m not married and it’s hugely unlikely that you will have met my wife.
Stephen Tell me about Alan.
Joy He’s a teacher. English. And, as of last year, he’s now head of department.
Stephen Fantastic.
Joy Yourself?
Stephen Well.
Somewhat oddly.
To be perfectly frank with you, Joy, I resigned from my job of fifteen years Tuesday just gone.
Alan Can I ask you something?
Clare Anything.
Alan Earlier on, when we were talking about Neil, you said –
Clare Go on.
Alan You said, ‘Why doesn’t he just use the toilet like the rest of us?’
Clare Did I?
Alan You did.
Clare ‘Why doesn’t he just –’
Alan ‘– use the toilet like the rest of us,’ yes.
Clare Well.
I appear to have been caught red-handed.
I masturbate incredibly frequently, Alan. Incredibly frequently.
In fact, being surrounded by all those horny teenagers is probably the last place on earth I should be.
You won’t tell anyone, will you?
Alan …
Clare Alan, I’m joking.
Bloody hell, your face.
Alan You’re –
Clare Winding you up.
Alan Clare, I nearly had a heart attack.
Clare Do you need to lie down?
Stephen Can I be honest with you for a moment, Joy?
Joy …
Stephen We’ve been having a few problems.
Annabelle and I.
Our son’s just finishing his first year at university. And. Annabelle.
She’d still like to have more children.
She’s younger than me, you see.
And you understand the, the pressure she puts on me sometimes, is.
Joy, the reason I have thrush is because I spent the night with a complete stranger.
But I was fine, is what I’m trying to say.
With Annabelle, I do, I find it difficult to. Maintain.
But with this young girl –
Joy Stephen, I, I’m.
Sorry, but I’m not sure.
If you’re looking for advice, if, if, if you’re looking for, medical, advice, then.
You really should make an appointment.
Stephen We’ve misunderstood one another.
Joy I wonder perhaps if we should –
Stephen Joy –
Joy It’s been lovely talking to you, Stephen –
Stephen Joy, I just wanted to be able to tell someone.
You see I’ve been worrying about all of this for months.
I can’t tell you how suffocating it’s been.
But bumping in to you, it’s made me realise –
Joy Stephen, I –
Stephen You still have that same glow. That same warmth.
I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that things have really worked out for you.
Your marriage, your son, your career.
I just wanted to make sure that you know.
Sleeping with that girl may have been stupid, not to mention contagious, but, for one night anyway, I can’t tell you how. Incredible it felt to
just.
The same instinct that led me to spend the evening with that girl is the very same instinct that led me to asking you for a drink.
And I suppose, as I say, I just wanted to make sure, before you and I say goodnight to one another, that you’re aware of just how happy it makes me feel to see that you are doing so well.
Clare Can I ask you a fairly personal question?
Alan …
Clare Do you miss having sex with women that aren’t your wife?
Alan Christ, I miss just having sex.
No, of course, I.
Why do you ask?
Stephen Can I offer you another drink?
Joy No thank you.
Exit Stephen.
Clare I was engaged.
Last year.
To a man.
His name was Geoff.
That wasn’t rude of me, was it?
Alan?
Clare Asking about your wife.
Alan No, no. Christ, no.
Clare Good. Good.
Because.
You’ve made me feel really welcome.
And –
Alan Clare, is everything –
Clare The reason, yes, the reason I was asking about you and your wife, is because, last year, with Geoff, I started having trouble sleeping.
Kept waking up, in the middle of the night.
And it took me a while to realise this, but, eventually, of course, I realised.
I realised I was terrified.
Not of Geoff.
Alan Not of Geoff?
Clare No. He was lovely.
Alan Poor Geoff.
Clare I was terrified of the idea of Geoff.
The idea of what we might be like. Together.
For ever.
And I realised that I was.
I realised that I was pretending to be. Excited.
Because I felt I ought to be. I mean, isn’t that awful?
I felt I ought to want to be getting married.
So, yes, that was why I was asking about yourself and your wife.
Interested to hear it from the horse’s mouth.
How are you for time?
Do you fancy another one?
Alan Okay.
Exit Clare.
Joy and Alan alone, separate.
NINE
Joy and Alan’s house, bedroom. Night.
Joy and Alan undress for bed.
Alan, undressed, moves to Joy and, from behind, begins kissing the back of her neck.
He tries to slide one of his hands down the front of Joy’s body, but she gently slides his hand away.
Alan, again, tries to slide his hand down the front of Joy’s body.
Joy Alan.
Alan persists.
Please.
Alan persists; Joy breaks away from Alan.
It’s late.
Alan Even when it’s early it doesn’t seem to make any fucking difference.
Joy I’m sorry.
Alan Are you?