Back then I thought I knew what I was doing. Now, it’s hard to justify all the reasons that seemed so logical to me at the time. Ultimately, I think I was scared.
I jump when a light knock sounds against the door. I swear I can’t get it open fast enough, but the moment I do, and her face comes into view, all the air leaves my body.
It’s only been five days and already I’d forgotten just how beautiful she is. Even with the yellowing bruises that pepper her face and her hair tied up in a messy bun. She doesn’t have a lick of makeup on and truthfully she doesn’t need it. She’s a natural beauty. Always has been, even when she was little.
Memories of us running around her backyard flood through my mind. How she used to wear her dark hair in pig tails that would blow in the wind when she would run. Back then I didn’t know how special she would become to me. Or maybe I did but I was too young to realize it at the time.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” She seems nervous, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.
“Come in.” I step aside, opening the door wider so that she can pass through it. “How are you feeling?” I ask, closing the door behind us.
“I’m good. My leg is still pretty sore, but other than that I feel okay. I mean, this thing is a pain in the butt to shower with.” She holds up her casted arm. “But it’s not really painful anymore.”
“That’s good.”
“What about you? Are you okay?” She slides down into the chair in the corner of the room, twisting her keys nervously in her hand.
“Yeah, I think so. I haven’t really been sleeping all that well.”
“Nightmares?” she guesses.
“Something like that.” I shrug.
I guess nightmares are one way to describe it. I’d refer to them more as bad dreams. There’s one I’ve had every night since the accident. Blakely’s trapped in the car, only this time there’s no one around to help me get her out. With her trapped, the car bursts into flames and I’m forced to watch the fire engulf her.
I shake away the thought.
“I’m glad you came over. I’ve been calling you for days.”
“I didn’t have a phone until yesterday. Mine was lost in the accident.” She looks down at the keys in her hand.
“B, what’s going on? Are you okay? I mean really okay,” I ask, sensing something very off with her.
“I’m not really sure how to say this, so I’m just going to say it.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “We can’t be friends anymore, Asher. We can’t be anything anymore. It’s too much. It’s too hard. And it’s not fair to Tyler.”
“This isn’t the first time you’ve said this,” I remind her.
“I know, but I really mean it this time.” She gives me a sad smile, fighting to keep her emotions in check. “I’m marrying Tyler. I love him, Asher. He’s good for me in ways I can’t even explain. He cares for me. He makes me feel wanted and loved. He pulled me from a very dark place when no one else could.”
“He hangs the fucking moon. I get it,” I grumble, not wanting to hear another word about how great Tyler is or how much she loves him.
“I just...you and me, we’re like fire and gasoline. It’s only a matter of time before the flames burn beyond our control and I don’t want to be anywhere near that path of destruction. I can’t be.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to run.”
“You ran, Asher. I’m not running. I’m making a choice. I’m putting Tyler first the way I should have when you came back.”
“So what you’re saying is that if he supported our friendship we’d be okay, but because he doesn’t you’re cutting me out all together?”
“It’s not his decision. It’s mine.”
“This isn’t what you want, B. I can see it in your eyes. You’re scared.”
“So what if I am? People make decisions every day based on fear. Maybe being afraid is how I know something’s not right.”
“That’s a cop out and you know it.” I fight to keep my temper at bay.
“It’s nothing you haven’t done. Or do you think running away for six years wasn’t a cop out? You said you were afraid and you let that fear end us. How is that any different?”
“Because I wasn’t afraid to love you, B. I was afraid to lose you.”
“But you wouldn’t have lost me.” Tears fill her eyes and I can tell she’s fighting to keep it together. Hell, so am I.
“I wasn’t afraid of losing you in that way, B. I was afraid of watching you die one day.”
“Everyone dies, Asher.”
“I know that.” I run my hand through my hair, tugging at the ends.
“And yet it didn’t stop you from leaving.”
“I planned to come back. I thought the feeling would fade once I had some distance.”
“But you didn’t come back.”
“I wanted to. Every single day I wanted to.”
“But you didn’t,” she repeats.
“I couldn’t. Not until I was ready.”
“Ready for what?” She swipes angrily at a tear that skates down her cheek.
“Ready for this.” I gesture between the two of us. “I was so lost for so long, Blakely, and it had nothing to do with you. If anything I thought I was sparing you.”
“Sparing me? What does that even mean, Asher?”
“I was just so mixed up. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“But you did hurt me. Can’t you see that? A part of me died the day you left, and little pieces of me kept dying with every day that passed where you didn’t call or write. Where you didn’t come home. Who does that to someone? A coward, that’s who.” She points her finger at me. “You weren’t here to see the destruction you left behind. You weren’t here when I needed you the most. You were off doing god knows what with god knows who. And here I was, mourning not only the loss of you, but the loss of your dad as well. A man who had been like a second father to me for nearly my entire life. Nothing felt right. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. Every corner I turned felt like I was going in the wrong direction. Every step I took seemed to take me two steps backward. I was stumbling through the dark. The longer you were gone the more lost I became. But then Tyler found me. He opened my eyes and brought me back into the light. He brought me back to life, Asher. And where were you?”
“Not here.”
“Not here.” She shakes her head as another tear falls.
“I’m sorry, B. I don’t know what else I can say except I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to call. God, I picked up the phone so many times, but I couldn’t do it. I knew the second I heard your voice I’d come running back and I wasn’t ready. I tried to write too. I can’t tell you how many times I sat down and tried. I’d read the letter you wrote me, the one you slipped into my bag before I left. I’d read it and miss you so badly that sometimes I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But when I put the pen to paper, nothing would come. I couldn’t find the words.”
“My letter?” she questions.
“I still have it,” I admit, heading for my wallet on the table. I dig inside for the wilted piece of paper that’s folded into a small square. Tossing my wallet onto the bed, I pull the paper out and slowly begin to unfold it.
Asher,
I’m writing this letter because...Well, honestly I’m not really sure why I’m writing it. I haven’t written a letter in years. At least not one that meant anything. By the time you read this you will be on the train, headed for California. I’m not sure what you’ll find there, but I hope whatever it is, it’s what you’re looking for.
I know this last year has been hard. Impossible even. And I’ve seen the toll it’s taken on you. But I want you to know that you’re not alone. No matter how alone you may feel right now, I’m always with you, holding your hand, telling you that everything will be okay. Because it will be, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
I wish I could be stronger for you. I wish I could smile and wa
ve and wish you safe travels, but the truth is I’m not strong enough to do that. So while I’m sure I was crying as you boarded your train, know that I’m okay. Know that I love you, and even though I’m going to miss you like crazy, I understand why you need to do this.
Just know that I will miss you every single second of every single day until you come home. You are my world, Asher Evans. My life. My love. The very air I breathe. You are the one thing that makes me whole.
So take your trip. See the world. Do all the things your father never got to do. Just know that when you come home, I’ll be right here waiting for you. Always.
All my love,
B
“I can’t believe you kept it,” she replies after I’ve read the letter out loud, some of it on memory alone as many of the words are smudged and faded.
“Of course I did. It was the one thing that kept me going when I wasn’t sure I wanted to.” I set the letter gently on the bed beside me. “I’ll be right here waiting for you. Always,” I repeat the last line of the letter.
“I thought you were going to be gone a few weeks, maybe a few months, when I wrote that. I had no idea you would be gone for six years.”
“You said always, B.”
“I’m not the same girl I was six years ago.”
“And I’m not the same person I was six years ago either. I know now that I was just scared. I was scared and I justified my actions by convincing myself I was sparing you. In truth, I was just sparing myself. But I’m done lying to myself. I’m done running. I’m never going to hurt you like that again.”
“No, you won’t.” She pushes to a stand. “Because you won’t have the chance to.”
I can tell that I’ve gotten to her. I can see the break in her resolve. And I’m not going to let what may be my one final shot slip away.
“You don’t love him, B. Not the way you love me.” I stand, cutting off her path to the door.
“You don’t know how I feel.”
“But I do. I know you, Blakely. I can see it when you look at me. You want this as badly as I do. The way you felt about me before I left. Those feelings didn’t just go away. My feelings for you have only grown stronger. I didn’t think it was possible, but the instant I saw you sitting on that float I knew. And I knew it because my heart started beating again for the first time since the day I left.” I take her uninjured hand and press it to my chest where my heart is pounding rapidly against my ribs. “This belongs to you,” I tell her, pleading with her to listen, to believe me.
“No, it doesn’t.” Her tears fall in quick succession, but she doesn’t attempt to wipe them away.
“Don’t marry him,” I beg, desperation clear in my tone. “Don’t marry him, B. Choose me. Choose us.”
“I can’t,” she cries, attempting to look away.
I slide my hand into the back of her hair and force her face upward, stepping toward her. I’m so close I can smell the hint of vanilla from her shampoo. It’s the same shampoo she’s always used and the smell reminds me of home. Because she is my home. She always has been.
“Asher.”
“Choose me.”
“Don’t,” she whispers.
“Love me. Love me like you won’t let go, B.”
“You promised you wouldn’t,” she warns when my face dips dangerously low to hers.
“Then ask me. Ask me to kiss you.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. Ask me.” I lean in, brushing my nose against hers.
“Please.”
“Please what?” I whisper, not sure if she’s pleading with me to stop or pleading for me to kiss her. “Please what, B.” I slide my other hand around her waist and pull her body flush with mine. “All you have to do is ask.” I angle my mouth directly over hers. “Say it.”
“Kiss me.”
And so I do...
Chapter Twenty-five
Blakely
I don’t know why I asked him to kiss me. I don’t know what possessed me to utter those words. Maybe it was being so close to him, my senses overwhelmed by his scent and his touch. Or maybe it was the letter and everything he said. Maybe I just got swept up in the moment. Maybe...
Or maybe I asked him to kiss me because I wanted him to.
Asher’s lips feel like heaven against mine. Like they always did. It’s effortless and perfect and all the things you expect to feel when kissing someone you love. Because I do love Asher. I love him so much I can feel it everywhere. The pull, the need, the voice in the back of my head telling me everything I’ve known all along but haven’t wanted to face.
I cling to him like my life depends on it. My hand slides into his hair, my fingers gripping the thick strands as I hold him impossibly close, afraid that the moment I let go this will have all been a dream.
“Wait.” Asher abruptly breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead against mine. “Wait,” he repeats breathlessly. “We can’t do this.” He pulls back, dropping his grip on me.
I stand stunned, not sure what to say or what even happened. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the kiss to process anything else.
“I want you, Blakely. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life. But I can’t do this. Not until you tell me that you and Tyler are over.”
“Since when do you care about Tyler?” I snap, the sting of his rejection hitting me like a tidal wave.
“I don’t. But I care about you. And I know you. You’ll never be able to forgive yourself if you do something you can’t take back.”
“I thought this was what you wanted.” I try to fight against the well of tears building behind my eyes.
“It is. God, it is. But we can’t.”
My mind races as the reality of my situation starts to creep back in.
“Oh god.” I lift my hand to my mouth, sliding my fingers across my lips that are still wet from Asher’s kiss. “Oh god.” I push past Asher with so much force he has no choice but to let me pass.
“Blakely!” He turns after me, managing to cut me off right as I reach the door.
“Let me out of here,” I sob, panic creeping into my chest. My lungs constrict and I find it hard to pull in a real breath.
“Stop.” He grabs me by the shoulders when I try to make a move for the door knob.
“Let me go, Asher!” I scream, shaking off his grip. “I need to leave.”
“Not until you calm down and talk to me.”
“Talk to you?” My voice shrieks. “I tried talking to you and look where it got me. I can’t believe you kissed me.” I jab at his chest.
“You asked me to,” he reminds me, as if I need the reminder.
“I need to leave, Asher.”
“B, talk to me. It’s me. Just tell me what you’re feeling.”
“What I’m feeling?” I rear back, a desperate laugh ripping from my throat. “I’m feeling like I need to go home to my fiancé while I still have one to go home to.” My voice shakes. “You’ve taken so much from me. So many years of my life were wasted waiting for you. Why now?” I scream, shoving at his chest. “Why did you have to come back now? When I’m finally happy.” I shove harder. “Why did you have to come back and ruin everything?” I sob, hysterics starting to set in.
I don’t know how I let this happen. I don’t know how I let myself be drawn in by him. How I let him play me right into his hands. He knew what he was doing.
And yet he stopped you, the voice in my head reminds me which only makes it worse.
He stopped.
I asked him to kiss me. I wanted more. He was the one who stopped it. I’m the villain here. Not Asher. Yet he’s the only one I want to blame. Because blaming myself means admitting something I’ve been denying for a very long time...
“I never meant to make things harder for you. I just want to love you.”
“Well you had your chance and you threw it away. I don’t want you, Asher. I don’t want to see you or talk to you ever again. I want you out of my life. F
orever this time.” I shove past him with so much force I nearly lose my footing and this time he makes no attempt to stop me.
I rip open the door and stumble onto the sidewalk, tears blurring my vision as I frantically try to locate my car, which takes me longer to find than it should considering it’s parked just feet from the door.
I quickly duck inside and jam the keys into the ignition. It’s only seconds before I’m squealing out of the parking lot, leaving my heart somewhere on the floor of Asher’s hotel room.
——
“It’s perfect.” Allie claps her hands together, stepping up behind me to slide my veil into place.
I came in today to pick up my dress, and while the last thing I wanted to do was put it on, the seamstress insisted I do before I leave with it. Just in case.
Now, as I stand in front of the floor length mirror, looking at myself in this beautiful white gown, all I can do is focus on not vomiting, because that’s exactly what I feel like I want to do.
“You look so beautiful,” Allie continues, stopping directly in front of me when she catches sight of my expression.
I haven’t told my friends about what happened with Asher two days ago. I haven’t told anyone. And it’s been eating me from the inside out like a ball of acid wedged in my gut.
“B?” she questions, lifting my veil from over my face.
I instantly burst into tears with absolutely no warning. We’re talking huge crocodile tears that stream down my face so quickly it’s only seconds before they’re spattering onto the front of my wedding gown.
“Blakely, what is it?” Allie’s hands land on my shoulders as the sobs rack my body.
“I can’t do this.” I cry harder when she pulls me into a hug, squeezing me tightly.
“Can’t do what?” she asks, rubbing a comforting hand across my back.
“Any of it. I just can’t.” I drop my face into the crook of her neck and cry like I haven’t cried in years.
Allie doesn’t press for more. She simply holds me, right in the middle of the dress shop as I cry it out.
It takes me longer than I would like to pull myself together enough to untangle from Allie’s embrace. Once I do, I’m sure I look a lot worse for wear. I wipe my cheeks with my good hand, taking a deep breath as I struggle to compose myself.
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