by D. K Lake
"Paige," he murmurs into my hair.
"It’s okay. I'm here now."
Chapter 10
After a moment's hesitation, he wraps his arms around me. His body feels familiar and his smell hasn't changed, it's like coming home. I'm questioning why I ever stayed away. I was stupid to think I could ever get over him. My love for Maverick runs deep. Deeper than I first realized. He may have been a distraction to start with, but now he's much more than that. I love him. I need him more than ever, and right now, he needs me, too.
I break the hug long enough to drag my duffel bag inside and pull the key out of the lock, and then I shut the door to stop any curious eyes. I return to Maverick's open arms and hug him again, reaching up on my tiptoes this time, and wrapping my arms around his neck. I breathe him in, memorizing every little detail. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance to be this close to him again. I would have preferred it to have been under better circumstances, but if I'm honest, I'm a stubborn girl and it would have taken a hurricane to bring me back to him. I'm not one to let the past go. I still think about how he ruined everything. Used me. Lied to me.
I hate him, but I can't stop loving him.
I pull away again, but Maverick is reluctant to release his arms from around my waist. I push his hood down so I can get a better look at him. He looks like a shell of the person I knew before.
"I'm so sorry about your brother and Addie," I say softly, trying to hold back the tears as I stroke the side of his head, running my fingers through his hair which is now longer and falls in his eyes.
He shakes his head. "I'm glad he's gone."
"Don't say that."
"No, I mean it." He pulls away and rubs his nose with his hoodie sleeve. "I mean, I'm not glad that he killed four other people and injured three more, I hate him for what he did...but I'm glad he's gone."
"Mav,"
"No. I am. I hate him. I hate him for what he did to us. I hate him for not letting go of this revenge thing and for taking Addie with him."
Maverick scrubs his eyes to get rid of the tears and moves to the other side of the room. The room is dark, so I switch the lamp on and see Em’s clothes everywhere. I go over to the windows and peek outside and it looks as though it might rain at any moment, and pull the curtains shut. Maverick sits on the edge of my bed and drops his head into his hands. My bed is unmade, and the sheets are crumpled and it looks as though Maverick slept in here last night. He had a key cut when we were together so he could let himself in whenever he wanted. If Em hadn't have let him in, I think he would have let himself in.
I take a seat next to him, giving him a minute.
"Do you know what happened? Has anyone told you who was involved in the car accident?" he asks, lifting his head to look at me with bloodshot eyes. I slowly nod my head.
"I um...I went to the hospital after it happened to find Mitchel."
"He's gonna kill me." Maverick mutters.
"Who, Mitchel?" I frown.
"No. Jacob Torres."
"This isn't your fault. JT can’t come after you. You had nothing to do with this. You had no idea Ethan would do that…" I start to say, but I’m not so sure anymore. "Did you?"
He looks at me with a creased brow. "Of course, I didn't know. I had no idea he was still obsessing over it. I haven't spoken to him since the morning the sex tape..." he trails off with a look of disgust on his face. "I haven't spoken to him since then. He tried to find me in my dorm, but I reported him to security and they had him thrown off-campus."
"Did you speak to Addie after the sex tape incident?"
"I did, but only a couple of times."
"What did she have to say to you?"
"Not much. She tried to justify Ethan's actions, telling me he has a drinking problem and he doesn't know what he's doing most of the time. And that he didn't mean for the sex tape to be released." he says and his voice cracks into a dark laugh. "She was so in love with him and he couldn't care less about her. She believed every little word that he ever said to her. She stopped talking to me soon after that. I don't know what Ethan said to her to convince her he was innocent in all of it, but she's been missing from college a lot. I think she's been nursing his hangovers." Maverick mutters. "And now she's dead because of him."
I reach over and rub his back. I’m not sure how to comfort him, but what else can I do? We're in a weird place right now.
"How did you find out?" I ask, moving a little closer.
"He came looking for me,"
"Who?"
"JT. He showed up at the dorm about an hour after the accident, but at the time I had no idea Ethan was even dead. I was in the shower when he forced his way into my dorm room and gave Cringo the fright of his life. Cringo lied for me, and said he didn’t know where I was, which I am surprised about after JT threatened him and held against a wall."
"Ohmigawd."
"Yeah...I was just on my way back to the room when I saw people gathered around in the hallway and I saw security escorting JT out of the dorms. I know he'll be back, though. He's looking for me."
"Is that why you're in here?" I let my hand slide off his back. Here I was thinking he was waiting for me because he needed me, but now I get the feeling he was just using my room as a hideout.
I stand up and he grabs my hand.
"No...I..." he sighs, and then shakes his head. "Yes," he admits.
I pull my hand free and walk over to my duffel bag and go about emptying it. I'm a stupid girl to think he still cared about me. I thought he was here because he wanted to be, not because he needed someplace to hide. I feel like an idiot. He's just using me again. Were the tears even real or just for show?
"Paige," he starts, standing up to follow me.
"No, it's fine. You can hide in here or whatever. I'll stay somewhere else." I say, knowing Dario will be here in ten minutes if I ask him to come and get me. I don't want to, but if I have to I can stay at the garage with him. Not with him, but in the same room. Shit. I could ring my dad. Although I already know he'll say no, and then he'll ask me a bunch of questions about why I don't want to be in my dorm room, and if I mention Maverick’s name to him, he'll probably pull me out of college. We already had that talk and Dad said if Maverick Wilder came anywhere near me, he would take me out of college and send me back to Nebraska and I could finish there. The last thing I want is to move back in with Mom. If I had known Maverick was only ringing me to ask if he could hide in my room, I would have stayed in Nebraska for the rest of the week so I could have avoided this. Maverick knows exactly how to mess with my head.
"No, it's not fine. Nothing is fine! Nothing has been fine since I lost you." Maverick says desperately.
"And whose fault is that?" I cry angrily. "Look, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry that you lost your brother and Addie, I really am. You can use my room to hide out in, but I'm not going to stick around so you can use me again."
I pull out my dirty clothes and dump them in the hamper.
"Is that what you think? That I'm just using you as an escape right now?"
"I don't know, Maverick." I shrug. "I don't know when you're lying or when you're telling the truth anymore."
I go about packing clean clothes into my duffel, moving around the room, but Maverick keeps getting in my way.
"That's not...that's not why I'm here. If I wanted to hide, I could have easily booked myself into a hotel."
"Then why didn't you? Why come here? Don't you think you've done enough to hurt me? So, what? You thought you'd just show up and pull at my heartstrings some more?"
"No, that's not-"
"Then what?" I cry, letting go of my duffel and turning to look at him.
"I came here looking for you…because I - I…"
"Because you what?" I snap.
"I needed you...I still do."
I shake my head and turn around and zip up my duffel.
"You don't need me, Maverick. You just want to use me again. Like how you fucked me the last time and then la
ughed about it after. So, go find someone else to believe your bullshit." I say, the words tumbling out of my mouth, but I can't help feeling guilty, knowing he has no one. I want to take the words back the moment they leave my lips.
I turn around to look at him - he looks so cut up. Like I’ve just taken a knife and stabbed him in the heart.
"You still don't believe me?" he asks, a look of disbelief on his face as he takes a step back. "You still think I wanted to hurt you?"
"Didn't you?" I glare at him. "You didn't single me out at that party knowing I was involved with Dario?"
"That...that might have been true to start with, but then everything changed. Everything changed, Paige! Please, you've gotta believe me. Everything changed once I got to know you. I didn't think I'd ever fall for anyone the way I fell in love with you. Not wanting to be apart for even a second. Loving you so much that it hurts. But dreading the moment you would find out the truth, living in constant fear I would lose you. You were fucking everything to me, Paige. You still are!" he shouts. "These last three months have been hell. I feel like I'm dead inside. I never thought it was possible to feel like you're dying from a broken heart, but I feel it everywhere. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I'd do anything for you, don't you know that?" he admits, and his words completely floor me.
He still loves me…
Chapter 11
I let out a breath and rub the side of my head. I can feel a headache coming on, or maybe it's Maverick messing with my head. I want to believe him. So very much.
"Mav, just stop." I plead with him and grab my duffel.
"No. I'm not done. I haven't waited three months to have you walk out the door again. Just wait," He snatches my duffel bag from me and dumps it on the floor behind him.
"Do you know how many times I nearly packed in college and walked away?"
I don’t say anything, our eyes locked on each other.
"Not once. I fucking hate it here, the way people look at me after the wretched sex tape, the comments, the whispers, the fucking high-fives. I want to punch everyone that says anything about you behind your back, but I can't, because one mistake and I'll get kicked out...then I would lose you. I might not have you…but seeing you every day is the only thing that gets me through. I never even thought about walking away from college because the thought of leaving you behind kills me. You might walk around pretending I don't exist, but I can't just forget about you so easily."
"Is that what you think?!" I say angrily. "You think this is easy for me? Nothing is easy anymore. You ruined everything, Maverick-"
"I know!" He shouts and gets in front of me. "I know I fucked up, but everything I have told you since then isn't a lie. All the stuff about loving you and wanting a future with you, none of that was a lie either. I love you. I love you so fucking much." He grabs my face and I hold onto his wrists. "I love you so much," he whispers, his lips a breath away from mine. "I'm not hiding in here because I'm scared of JT. If he wants to kick the shit out of me, then so be it. I'm here because I needed to see you. I need you, so much. I couldn't go another day without telling you how sorry I am. If anything happens to me...I need you to know."
"Nothing is going to happen to you," I murmur, my eyes drifting back to his.
His hands have a calming effect on me as his thumb brushes over my cheek.
"I won't let JT do anything to you," I say, not even sure how I could ever prevent JT from coming after him, but I would do everything in my power to stop it.
"I deserve it," he says quietly.
"No, you don't."
He moves closer and rests his forehead against mine.
"I'm sorry," I breathe, my eyes closing as he cradles my head in his hands.
"No, you don't have anything to be sorry about."
"I should have believed you before. I think deep down, I always believed you, but I was too stubborn to do anything about it, that's why I ignored you and went to class and acted as though you were a stranger."
"I know."
"No, I should have come and found you...I just needed time. You hurt me, so much. I let myself fall for you and then after everything that happened, I blamed myself for being so naïve. I kept telling myself he doesn't love you, not really. That it was all a lie, but I didn't really believe it myself. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to come and find you, but I couldn't, so I stayed away."
"I know, that's why I kept my distance. I was giving you time. I wanted to talk to you. Every day. I wanted to make you believe me...but every time I found myself standing outside your dorm room, I would chicken out, knowing I couldn't take the rejection again. I can't bear to lose you again." he says desperately, his fingers delving into my loose hair. "I need you more than I need anyone, Paige. I don't want anyone else but you. I know I don't deserve you, but I don't want anyone else to have you."
I stare into his watery eyes as they search mine.
"Say something," he murmurs, his nose nuzzling mine.
I should pull away and tell him it's over, that we can never be together, not after what he did. Not after he broke my heart and left me feeling numb, but I can't. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to pretend anymore.
"You made a playlist," I say, tugging on his hoodie.
"You found it," he says with a small smile. "And you're wearing my hoodie."
I glance down at myself and then back up at him.
"I couldn't burn it," I say and let out a soft laugh, wiping away a stray tear with my sleeve. "Mav, I don't...I don't know how we can just move on and forget about...any of it," I say, looking him dead in the eyes, hoping he has the answer because I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do but it's not just Maverick anymore. I slept with Dario last week and my feelings for him aren't just going to disappear.
"I don't think we'll ever forget, but maybe it's time we put it behind us. But first I'm going to need you to forgive me, otherwise, I'm going to be torturing myself forever. I know I still want you, I never stopped wanting you...but is this something you want? Or if not, I can leave, and you won't hear from me again. I’ll transfer to a different college. I'll walk away if that's what you want. It will probably kill me, but I don't want to live this half-life, barely existing, waiting for you to come back to me." He drops his hands from my face and straightens up, my eyes falling to his chest.
I need to be honest if there's even a chance we can get past this.
"I need to tell you something," I say, swallowing.
"Something tells me I'm not going to like this." He returns to the bed and sits on the edge, resting his elbows on his knees. "Just tell me,"
"I slept with Dario last week."
He doesn't say anything, staring across the room - jaw clenched, his eyes dark and unreadable.
"It only happened once. I haven't even talked to him for the past three months, not after he hurt..." I stop myself, not wanting to dredge up that night Maverick showed up and Dario attacked him.
"I deserved it," he mutters, looking down at the floor.
"No, no one deserves that,"
"What was he doing here? I haven't seen him around campus." he admits to keeping an eye out for Dario.
"He just wanted to talk, and he brought takeout with him."
"And you had sex?" Maverick deadpans.
"It just sort of happened,"
"I'm sure that was his plan." His eyes meet mine and he has this cold, detached look in them. "Do you still love him?"
"I can't answer that."
"That's a yes." he scoffs.
"Yes, okay. I do still love him. I always have, and then I met you and fell in love with you, too."
"So why not just be with him if you love him so much?" he asks, shaking his head with a look of utter disgust on his face.
"Because you know why. He's...he's..."
"He's what?" Maverick snarls. "Just say it!"
"He’s a fucking drug dealer! He’s dangerous." I yell. "Not to me," I quickly add. "But you
know better than anyone what he's capable of. You know what he does for a living. I'm sure you're not the first person he's beaten to an inch of their life, and who knows how many of them didn't get up again. And after what you told me about the Torres brothers taking care of Vincent Ortiz, and that Dario most likely helped."
I know Dario helped.
He admitted he was involved, but I can’t tell Maverick. I can’t tell anyone.
Ever.
"One of the many reasons why you should stay away from him and the business. Yet you still jump into bed with a murderer." he mutters.
"Do you really think I want to be with someone like that? That I would throw my life away to be with someone that could get sent to prison at any moment?"
"You just admitted you had sex with him the other night."
"That was different!"
"How?"
"I was lonely," I admit. "Emily's never here. And my head was all over the place. I wasn't thinking straight. And Dario, well, you know how I feel about him and the history we share. I made a mistake. I know this, but I was missing you like crazy, and you're not the only one that feels dead inside. I haven't felt like myself since you ruined everything. I’ve just been going through the motions, not really feeling anything, and then Dario showed up and caught me on a bad day and I don't know...I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel close to someone, anything to help me forget about everything else, if just for a moment." I pull my hair off my neck and go to twist it into a bun because it's annoying me right now, then I realize I was keeping it down to hide the hickey Dario left on my neck.
Maverick's eyes dip to my neck and his face hardens, and I quickly drop my hair again. He shakes his head in annoyance.
"Then why didn't you come and find me?" he stresses, running a hand through his messy hair.
"Because I didn't know if you still felt the same way-"
"Of course I still feel the same way, those feelings don't just go away. You even saw the playlist I made for you,"