by Lilah Rivers
It was a hard thing to say, but Annie forced herself to say it anyway.
“You would let me refuse you, possibly destroying your own reputation, all for the sake of saving someone else’s?” he asked.
“Yes, if that is the only choice that you give me. I would be willing to do that,” Annie said.
She was frustrated. She wanted to marry Jethro. Whenever they spoke about their marriage, he was not the sort of man she would ever want to be around, but the rest of the time? She could see that he really was a good man, a man who loved the Lord and his Word. But he would have to overcome his lack of trust in Annie if she could ever see him as a husband.
Still, she waited as he appeared to sort through the thoughts in his mind. She didn’t want to interrupt him. It was better that he had a chance to work through it all on his own.
“All right. I’m just trying to figure out what all of this means,” Jethro said.
“I know. And I would recommend that you try and figure it out on your own. To be perfectly frank with you, I am a very timid person. However, when you are around, I change. I become a very angry person, and I don’t like that,” Annie said, telling Jethro openly what she thought he did to her character.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel angry,” he said.
“I have been told that I must marry you. And I actually was very excited about it. But, this whole time, I have faced your indifference, your displeasure. It has been painful. I have my pride, as well, but you have stamped on it,” Annie said.
Jethro winced, shame filling his face.
“When I have heard you at church, reading from the Bible or praying or if you share a thought about a verse, I always thought that you seemed like a good man. Before we were betrothed, I would not have minded being betrothed to you,” Annie said.
Jethro’s face softened a good deal more, and she looked at him, intently.
“I was interested in you. But you have been terribly confusing, and I don’t know that I am ever going to be able to sort through what it is that you want from me,” Annie said.
“I only wanted to know what it was that had caused you to refuse Bartholomew,” Jethro said in a quiet voice.
“And I have told you that I cannot reveal it in length for the fear of hurting someone dear to me. Perhaps, in time, I would have confided in you about the error of Bartholomew’s ways, but you have said that you did not want a wife who was previously engaged, so I think it hardly matters anyway,” she said.
“I’m sorry, Annie,” Jethro said.
“Yes, you are. You are often in a state of being sorry. However, I am in a state of being tired, so I must ask you to go now,” Annie said.
Jethro stood up, understanding in his eyes but a desire to remain written in his posture. His mouth tried to form something to say, but Annie turned from him, not caring that it was rude to do so.
Why had she ever wanted to marry Jethro?
Well, it wasn’t difficult for her to see her reasoning. She really did like him a good deal. But not in the moments where it actually came down to whether or not they would be married. In those times, he was a very awful man.
Annie just wanted to get past all of this. She didn’t know why she had allowed it to get this far. She didn’t know why she had gotten herself into a position of being constantly angry at the man that she was meant to marry.
But Jethro had gone too far.
Annie went into her room and lay on the bed, burying her face in the pillow where she cried great, sobbing tears.
It felt as though she truly would never have love. It was unfair that there was nothing she could do about it.
Except that was a lie. Of course she had love. She had the love of her Lord. And what could she do about her situation? She could pray. She could ask him for help, for wisdom, for grace through the storm.
And that is exactly what she did.
Chapter 19
Jethro had embarrassed himself so badly in front of Annie that he was not looking forward to the hayride that their parents had arranged for them.
Then again, in some ways, he was really excited about it. It was terribly confusing, the way that he was enjoying being around Annie but also dreading the thought of having to marry her. He was beginning to wonder if he was losing his mind.
But he went back to that question of peace. What gave him the most peace? He was surprised that, even now, the thing that gave him the most peace was the idea of marrying Annie.
No matter what Bartholomew might say.
As they sat on the back of the cart, Annie completely ignored Jethro, but she threw her head back in laughter and eyed the people who happened by, who noticed them.
She looked beautiful. Her hair flowed in the breeze, and Jethro loved the fact that it was quite free. He liked seeing Annie like that, so unbound.
“So, what new revelations have you had in the Bible?” he asked.
“Hmm? I don’t know. I suppose I was thinking about the connection of Romans eight, when it talks about nothing separating us from the love of God, and the fact that Jesus had to endure so much suffering,” she said.
Jethro’s eyes widened. Annie was near enough a preacher herself. Sometimes he was amazed at her passion for the Word of God.
“What?” she asked, self-conscious.
“I don’t even know what to say, Annie Blake. You confound me,” he said.
“I do? How do you think I feel when you are always so back and forth about everything?” she asked.
“I guess I deserve that. But, listen. You are talking about things I hardly even hear a reverend or minister discussing. I don’t know where you got your passion, but it’s something special,” he said.
“Well, I don’t think I’m anything all that special, but I am sure glad that it’s good for you to hear it,” Annie said.
“It is. Now, what do you say you talk to me about some more,” Jethro said.
Annie laughed. He was amazed that they could talk about things at some points and be so relaxed and carefree. It really was only when they were talking about their marriage that things got intense between them.
But he was thankful that Annie was willing to talk to him and give him a chance in these other moments. These times that they had when she was so at ease were a gift. Something that he didn’t think he deserved.
It wasn’t as though he had given her any reason to make things easy on him. He had already hurt her a lot, all in his own attempt to refrain from getting hurt.
But as he listened to Annie talking about other things she had been pondering, he realized how easy it would be to have feelings for her. In fact, he started to see that he could even grow to love her, if he really let himself.
That was a frightening thought. Terrifying. Jethro knew that he had to fight against it. The last thing he wanted was to let himself get caught up in these emotions and the longing that he felt for Annie in these times that they were discussing the Lord.
What was more important to him? Rumors and things that Bartholomew had said? Or the fact that Annie clearly knew her Bible, and she had a passion to read it and to pray and to live her life according to the truth?
Jethro knew the answer. He knew what he had to choose.
Yes, he could fight all he wanted against falling for Annie, but his will to fight was rapidly draining. He liked her too much to sit by and let Annie slip away. And the fact that she had shown him so much kindness in the midst of their struggles only made him admire her even more.
He didn’t deserve a woman like her. He needed to pray more about the sort of character that he wanted to have and to show. After all, he was supposed to be submitting to the Lord’s will. How could he say that he was doing that if he wasn’t trusting God in anything?
Worried though he was, Jethro felt an intense desire to pursue the marriage. He wanted to be with this incredible woman, and there wasn’t much point in denying it.
“Are you all right there?” she asked, startling him.
“Me? Oh. Right. Yes,” he said.
“You were staring at me, and I don’t think you even realized that I was talking to you,” Annie said.
“Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts,” he replied.
Annie blushed.
“Well, I don’t know what you were thinking about, but you missed a good bit of the town in the process,” she said, laughing and gesturing to the scenery around them.
“Maybe … maybe we just need to go again,” he said.
Annie looked at him with confusion, but she took a breath and then nodded.
“Yes, I think that sounds like a good idea,” she said.
They went around another time on the cart, enjoying the sight of the town they knew so well. It was different, however. This time, it was meant to be a fun experience. But it wasn’t simply fun. It was the first time that Jethro let his desire to like Annie transition into truly liking her, and it was the first time that he felt certain that he should move forward with the marriage.
Whatever the truth was regarding Bartholomew, Jethro was starting to wish he had never listened to that man to begin with. He wanted to hear only from Annie, to hear what she had to say or what she didn't want to say. And even if she wasn’t going to tell him exactly what happened, he wanted to believe that she would not simply abandon him days before their wedding.
Jethro and Annie eventually had to part ways, but he was sad to do so.
“Thank you, Annie. I really had a nice time,” Jethro said.
She looked at him shyly.
“Does that surprise you?” she asked.
“I think that’s the problem. It doesn’t surprise me at all. I want to be surprised. I want to be skeptical because that’s how I’ve been so far. But I’m not. I had a wonderful time, and I am glad that I got to spend this day with you,” Jethro said.
Annie grinned at him, a true beaming smile. He didn’t think he had ever seen that kind of happiness from her before. It was quite a vision.
“Well, Annie Blake, I find myself not quite wanting to leave,” Jethro said.
“And that is probably the kindest thing you have ever said to me,” she replied.
“I’m ashamed that it probably is. You should have heard a good deal other things from me. Kinder things. Just as truthful, but kinder,” he said.
“Don’t worry yourself, now. These times can be confusing. I know you never meant to be cruel,” Annie said.
“That doesn’t mean I wasn’t. I should have been better,” he said.
Annie pulled away from him a little, breaking the spell that Jethro had found himself under.
“Well, maybe you will change your mind again. It’s best that you don’t make any decisions until you are sure,” she said, looking sad and bitter once more.
With that, Annie walked away from him, leaving Jethro next to the cart. He sighed, wishing that he hadn’t deserved what she had just said.
He really had managed to turn things around. By not trusting Annie, he had made himself untrustworthy.
Jethro made his way out to Timothy’s ranch, needing someone to talk to again. Although Timothy already had his mind made up about Annie, Jethro thought that there was a chance that Timothy could steer him in a clear direction.
“I’m just saying that she has really surprised me,” Jethro said.
“I’m glad. It shows that she has grown a whole lot as a woman. Her character and integrity and all that. But it doesn’t change what she did to Bartholomew. And although I’m not saying that you need to hold everything against her, you do need to make sure that you and your reputation are solid,” Timothy said.
“What do you mean?” Jethro asked.
“Just that you can’t let her throw you down where you might also get overrun. Don’t let her shove you under the wagon wheel,” Timothy said.
“I don’t think that’s possible. She’s too good a woman to do that,” Jethro said.
“You may think that now, but Bartholomew thought it as well. Isn’t that why he warned you?” Timothy asked.
“He warned me because he’s selfish, and he likes drama, and he’s embarrassed that she left him,” Jethro said.
Timothy raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“I didn’t figure you to be defending her like that. Is that what Annie told you?” Timothy asked.
“Well … not exactly,” Jethro said.
“So, what?” Timothy asked.
“I don’t know. It’s just what I have surmised,” Jethro said.
“Well, no one is asking what you did or didn’t surmise. We want to know the truth, just like you should. So you need to let go of whatever nonsense it is that has you slowing things down and trying to get to know her. You need to decide if Annie Blake is someone that you want to be with or not,” Timothy said.
Jethro had always been glad that Timothy was so straightforward and didn’t take any chances with someone’s lies. But at that moment, he wished that he had gone to someone else for help.
He didn’t think that Annie could be responsible for all of this and didn’t want to think about it that way. It wasn’t fair. He just wanted to live happily with her.
The easiest thing to do would be to just end the engagement and never think about her again. But he wanted to marry her. Something so drastic had happened in his heart that Jethro Mills actually wanted to marry Annie Blake, and he was all right with that.
“Jethro? You’re not going to listen to a word I’ve said now, are you?” Timothy asked.
“I’m afraid I can’t. You see, I really do like Annie. I didn’t want to. I tried to fight it. You know I fought it as hard as I could. But here we are. I like her, and there’s nothing at all that I can do about it. I just want to be with her. I feel like a fool, but it doesn’t change what I want,” Jethro said.
“Oh, I wish that I could talk some sense into you,” Timothy said.
“Then you are going to have to find something, some way, of doing it. If you want me to back off and away from Annie, I need you to find me a reason. Find something that proves I need to stay away from her,” Jethro said.
“And how exactly am I meant to do that? How can I prove anything at all?” Timothy asked.
“I don’t know. It’s not my job to figure that out. If you are so determined that I shouldn’t be with Annie, I need you to go about finding a reason why,” Jethro said.
Timothy paused, but then his eyes lit up with an idea.
“I’ve got it!” he exclaimed.
“Oh? What’s that?” Jethro asked, wishing that Timothy hadn’t thought of any option.
“I’ll talk to her friend, Rachel. I’ve needed an excuse to talk to her as it is, and this will give me a great opportunity,” Timothy said.
“Really? You want to do that?” Jethro asked.
“I really do,” Timothy said.
“Well, all right then. I trust you,” he said.
Although, for some reason, Jethro didn’t know if that was even true.
Chapter 20