by Olivia Lara
The place was packed, even more so than usual, but it only took Alexander a moment to see why Dominique was giving him that blank stare. Vincent was at the bar. Alexander knew the two options he had were both bad. Turn around and leave, thus admitting in front of himself and Dominique they were doing something wrong, or stay and possibly jeopardize her relationship, embarrass her and himself and blatantly lie to someone’s face.
He stopped. What should he do?
Vincent got up from the bar, walked over to Dominique, kissed her and made his way to the door. Alexander instinctively stepped to the side to avoid a face-to-face encounter.
Vincent went to his car, sat behind the wheel and kept looking at the café and Alexander knew what that meant. He was waiting for her.
Moments later, Dominique came over. ‘Alexander, what are you doing here? We always see each other on Wednesdays,’ she said.
She sounded scared. Guilty. Even slightly annoyed.
She was right. They had a deal – one hour on Wednesdays and nothing more. When that one hour was over, she would go back to her life, her real life. And he would too.
‘I wanted to see you. To talk to you.’
‘I can’t. Vincent is taking me out for dinner. I couldn’t say no,’ she said awkwardly.
Why would she say no? Vincent was her boyfriend. As for the two of them, they were, by all accounts, just friends. No need for explanations. He shouldn’t have come. He should’ve called or sent her a note.
‘Let’s talk tomorrow,’ she said swiftly. ‘Our usual time?’
‘I’m going to Italy with JJ for a few days, and I won’t be back until Monday. That’s why I came now. To tell you. I thought—’
‘I understand. Then I will talk to you next week,’ she said and, waving, she was gone.
He had been fortunate until that day, never having to watch them together. Even if his imagination had tormented him, it was not nearly as bad as seeing Vincent kissing her, holding her hand, whispering in her ear. Watching her leave with him was unbearable and he had never felt worse in his life. That almost meeting was enough to seed even more doubt into Alexander’s tormented soul. What if the reason they were only meeting on Wednesdays and she had never suggested or encouraged anything more was because she didn’t feel as strongly about him as she did about Vincent? What if she loved Vincent, truly loved him? And what if he was, selfishly, getting in the way of her happiness?
Alexander turned to leave, but someone was blocking his way.
‘Constance,’ he said, surprised. He knew her, had seen her every week for months now, but they never talked except for the occasional hello and goodbye.
‘Alexander,’ she said, ‘I was wondering if you and I could talk for a few minutes.’
He didn’t expect that.
‘Of course,’ he said and followed her to a booth in the back.
‘We should have privacy here,’ she said.
She looked at him for a few moments like she was sizing him up.
‘I will get right to it.’
‘Please do.’
‘You and Dominique have been spending a lot of time together,’ she started.
He forced himself to smile. Where was she going with this?
‘She told me you are seeing someone. Is that true?’
He clenched his jaw. ‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know what your intentions are. Just because Dominique says you are friends, it doesn’t mean I necessarily believe her. I wasn’t born yesterday.’
‘We are friends,’ he said.
‘You are not a very good liar. You two have that in common.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘I’ll be as blunt as I need to be. I want you to stop seeing her.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Why?’
‘Well, for one because you know as well as I do this is wrong. And it’s affecting her; she’s struggling, because she’s just not that kind of woman.’
‘I know what kind of woman she is,’ said Alexander. He didn’t need anyone pointing fingers. He felt awful as it was, especially after what just happened with Vincent. He wasn’t that kind of man either. But what he felt for her made him forget everything. Made him silence his mind, and only listen to his heart. He would’ve never offended Dominique by suggesting something inappropriate, but he couldn’t stay away from her either.
‘If that’s not a good enough reason, Vincent just asked for my blessing.’
‘What?’ he asked, unable to hide his shock. ‘Blessing? What for?’
‘He is going to ask her to marry him, at the big party on her birthday.’
The floor ran from under him.
‘But that’s only a week away,’ he said in a lost, scared voice.
‘Exactly. You need to let her go. Give her a chance to be happy. He will make her happy and give her everything she ever wanted. She was perfectly content before you showed up and she can be again. But for that, you have to allow her to find herself. It’s just not healthy; whatever it is that’s going on between you two needs to stop.’
DOMINIQUE
1 JULY 1964
PARIS
When she saw Alexander walking into the café, knowing Vincent was there, the guilt paralyzed her. She felt like such a bad person. A liar. A cheat. And then seeing the look on Alexander’s face crushed her. He was hurt. It was so obvious. How had she ended up in such a horrible situation?
What about Nicole? Nicole loved him, just like Vincent loved her. It would destroy both of them.
What about the dreams? What about all those years of searching and wishing she would find him? She had found him. What more did she want? Vincent was the one, wasn’t he? And she was now about to throw it all away for a feeling she couldn’t even explain to herself. What was it that she felt for Alexander after all? An infatuation, physical attraction? But no matter how hard she tried to convince herself, she knew better. It was so much more. So much, that she couldn’t breathe without him.
How had she let things get so far? What was she going to do?
*
At the restaurant that evening, all through dinner, Vincent barely spoke. From time to time it seemed like he wanted to say something but ended up just looking at her with an incredibly sad look on his face. Sad and almost disappointed. He must’ve realized something was wrong. And it wasn’t just about that day; it was the last three months.
Just a few weeks before, he’d come to her school after classes, excited about a trip he had planned for them to Saint Tropez.
‘It’s going to be wonderful. It’s not full tourist season and we’ll have the place almost to ourselves. We can leave on Friday and come back the next Thursday. A week of paradise,’ he said.
‘I can’t,’ she said in a panicked tone. ‘I can’t go.’
‘Why? You only have two classes next week; that’s what you said.’
‘Constance needs me here on Wednesdays. I can’t miss Wednesdays.’
‘I’m sure she’ll understand. It’s just this one time.’
‘I can’t, Vincent. I’m sorry.’
Back then she saw the same look in his eyes as now. But she chose to ignore it. Just like she chose not to think too much about the fact that she had stopped kissing him so much, almost not at all, that she found excuses not to see him, that after their dates she was tired all the time and wanted to go home and sleep.
She had tried to act normal, but she couldn’t. And Vincent didn’t deserve that. He had done nothing wrong. No, she couldn’t do it anymore; she couldn’t go through what she’d gone through the other day: sneaking around, hiding like a thief, lying. Who was that woman? It couldn’t have been her; she had principles and morals. She and Alexander had both made promises to other people. They should’ve just stayed away from each other. She’d known it was going to end up in heartbreak.
*
The next day was a Wednesday. With dark circles under her eyes from a sleepless night and hours of crying, Dominique made all possible efforts to c
onceal her pain. But no matter what she did, she couldn’t help but experience a deep sense of loss as she walked to the café from school, knowing Alexander wouldn’t be there. The happiest day of the week, she thought. I can’t do this anymore. It’s excruciating and it’s just not right. No more.
When she walked in and he was waiting at their table, Dominique’s heart jumped for joy and ached at the same time.
‘Alexander,’ she said, not hiding her surprise. ‘I thought you were in Italy.’
‘I told JJ I had something to do for lunch and that I’d take the afternoon train. I wanted to see you. First of all, to apologize for yesterday. I didn’t mean—’
She stopped him. ‘You did nothing wrong.’
‘Then why did it feel wrong?’ he asked.
Dominique looked down. ‘We can’t do this anymore.’
‘We can’t do this anymore,’ Alexander said.
It was the only time she wished he didn’t have the same thoughts she did. But he did.
She couldn’t believe she’d said it, but there was no other way. He wasn’t going to leave Nicole or he would’ve done it already. And she couldn’t ask him to leave her. What right did she have? But still, seeing him now in front of her, she didn’t know how she would go through with it. How could she wake up the next morning knowing she would never see him again? How could she let him go?
But he was never hers, was he? The past few months had been nothing but a dream. The most amazing dream. But also the most painful. After they’d first met, she thought not seeing him was the worst thing that could happen. But now, after they’d spent all that time together, being so close to him – and yet so painfully far – had proved to be a hundred times harder. She’d felt like a ghost, dragging herself from place to place, counting the days to each hour of happiness.
Oh, but how desperately she wanted the fantasy to continue. How desperately she wanted to ask him to choose her. Dominique knew she was letting her mind lead, she was following the rules, and doing what everyone expected her to. After all, in the last months, she’d gone with her heart and look where that got her. Nowhere. To heartbreak.
Hearing the same thing from him hurt her. Deep down, she’d hoped against hope he would stop her. That he’d say, ‘No, we can’t do this. It’s crazy. We are made for each other. I love you.’ But he’d agreed with her. He wanted it to be over. They had gone too far.
‘So this is it,’ he said with a blank expression on his face. Like he was empty inside.
‘I guess so.’
On the spur of the moment, she walked over to him, put her arms around his neck, and hugged him. Like a woman who was saying goodbye to the only man she’d ever loved.
Knowing she couldn’t watch him walk away, she turned and walked out of the café, not looking back. Afraid that if she did, she was going to run back to him and ask him to forget everything she’d said. Of course she wanted to see him. Next Wednesday, and the next. Every Wednesday until the end of days. But it was too late. She walked on, head down, crying.
*
‘Why didn’t you tell him? Why didn’t you tell him how you felt?’ asks Valerie.
I close my eyes for a moment.
‘When was a good time to say goodbye? The more we were together, the harder it got for me to be without him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to be what everyone expected me to be. A principled woman, a righteous woman. Constance would stop giving me ugly looks; Vincent would stop looking at me that way and I would stop feeling so miserable. The world would go back to normal. The truth is, as I walked out, I knew I’d made a mistake. The biggest mistake of my life.’
ALEXANDER
6 JULY 1964
PARIS
‘Whatever it is, it looks bad,’ said JJ when they were coming back from Milan.
Alexander wiped his tears before JJ got a chance to see his face. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried. But now, he couldn’t help himself. He’d lost her. How could he have lost her when he loved her more than anything? When he couldn’t breathe if she wasn’t around? When she was all he thought of? He didn’t know if he believed in soulmates, but if there was such a thing, she was his. She was part of him. How could he live without a part of him?
‘It’s nothing. I’m just tired, I guess.’
JJ patted his hand. ‘Is it your friend again? What happened to him?’
‘He listened to my advice,’ said Alexander bitterly.
‘Well, that’s good.’
‘It’s not good because he lost her. And now he’s lost too.’
He shouldn’t talk to JJ about this. His godfather was a smart man. What would he say if he knew the friend was him?
‘What happened?’
Alexander played with his fingers.
‘Nothing. That’s the problem. He wasn’t man enough to do what he felt. He was a coward and chose the easy way out and he set her free. He let her walk away. But the problem is… she walked away with his heart. And two days from now, he will lose her forever. And he doesn’t know how he will live knowing he let go of the one who was meant for him.’
‘Does he love her that much?’
Alexander nodded, unable to speak.
JJ peered into the distance and didn’t say anything for a few minutes.
‘Then you haven’t been such a good friend and you should apologize for your bad advice and tell him this: true love comes once in a lifetime and that is if you’re lucky. If you’re like most people, you will love, but not the kind of love that makes you feel invincible, that makes you both the happiest and the most miserable person in the world, the love for another human being that is bigger than the love for yourself. The one who makes you feel you can beat any odds, can defeat any monsters and overcome any obstacles… that love will not go away in time; it will grow stronger. If you choose to ignore it, it will eat you alive. Such love cannot be hidden forever, just as you cannot pretend there is love where there isn’t,’ he said pensively.
‘If he truly loves her and she truly loves him, but they are both in relationships, they will not only end up hurting themselves and destroying their lives but also ruining the lives of those two other people as well.’
JJ sighed. ‘If I had a one in a billion chance of being with my Demetria again, I would take it in a heartbeat, and I would fight for it against all judgments, against my family, against the world if they would dare to go between me and my love. You’d better go and find your friend before it’s too late.’
Alexander knew what he needed to do. What he should’ve done months ago.
*
‘You’re back,’ Nicole said when she saw him standing in front of her door.
He smiled thinly. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Do you need to ask? How was Germany?’
‘Italy.’
‘Oh, yes, Italy. How was it?’
‘It was alright. We got the painting.’
‘JJ must be ecstatic.’
‘He is.’
‘You need to stop traveling so much. I barely see you anymore.’
Here it came. That was how it always started. He would say it’s his job, she would get upset and they’d end up fighting.
This time he didn’t blame his job.
‘Do you want a glass of wine?’ she said and smiled as only Nicole knew how.
He shook his head. ‘We need to talk.’
‘You sound so serious. What is it?’
‘It’s about us. Our relationship. It’s not working out,’ he said, after thinking about it for a few moments. There was no easy way to do it.
Her smile disappeared. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m not happy, you’re not happy and it’s been like this for months.’
She seemed surprised. Almost shocked.
‘Is this about the fights we had? I was just nervous, you know. You’re always away and I felt lonely. It will be much better once we get married,’ she added in a sweet, subdued voice.
‘
There isn’t going to be a wedding and it’s not the fights. I’m sorry, Nicole. I just can’t marry you.’
‘Stop saying these things, Alexander. You’re confused and you’re hurting me.’
She was mad and rightfully so. He’d let things go too far. He was afraid of taking chances. He didn’t want to lose JJ. And, as strange as it sounded, he didn’t want to lose Nicole either. He cared about her and he didn’t want to hurt her. But he’d ended up making a huge mess of everything.
‘I’m not confused,’ he pushed back.
‘If it’s not the fights, then why? Tell me why. I’ll be better. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I’ll fix whatever is broken.’
‘There’s nothing we can fix.’ He breathed in deeply. ‘Nicole, you’re a big part of my life, my oldest and dearest friend. We’ve been through a lot together, and I care about you so much, but I don’t… I don’t love you that way.’
‘If you didn’t love me then why were we together in the first place?’ Her voice was loud now. ‘Because JJ wanted us together? Because you felt sorry for me? Because you were lonely?’
‘Because we made sense. Because we knew each other inside out. And I never said I didn’t love you. I did, and still do, and I thought – I hoped – I could learn to love you more, love you the way you love me. I tried, but you can’t choose who you love. Your heart does that for you.’
That seemed to hurt her even more.
‘You tried? Am I so unlovable you had to force yourself to feel something for me? Am I ugly? Do you think I’m ugly? Or not smart enough or—?’
She was in tears.
‘I didn’t mean—’ Bad choice of words. He realized that now. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, afraid he was being cruel. He didn’t want to be cruel. She had done nothing to him. And he wasn’t lying. He did love her. Just not enough. Not as much as he loved Dominique. They had a bond, a connection he didn’t share with Nicole. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.
‘You’re beautiful, and smart. You know that. You’re not unlovable. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It’s me.’