by Olivia Lara
‘Yes. Exactly. I’m three months’ pregnant,’ she said and held her head in her hands.
Alexander got up and paced the room, rubbing his hands. A sudden chill ran through him.
‘What – what are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know. I really don’t know. I didn’t even know if I was going to tell you, until I got into the taxi that dropped me here. It’s all so overwhelming.’
She wasn’t looking at him.
He had to think. Had to calm down and think.
‘You know what made me come here after all?’
Alexander stared at her, stunned, speechless. He could barely hear the words coming out of her mouth.
‘You. I’m here because of you.’ She looked down. ‘Because I know how much you suffered when your father was not there for you. I remembered you saying that you would never abandon your child like that and make them feel unwanted, and how when you would have a child, you would be the father you always dreamed of having. And I realized, I don’t want to take this away from you. Because I love you and I know what an amazing father you would make.’
When she finally lifted her eyes and looked at him, tears were running down her cheeks.
Alexander gasped. In the shock of it all, the news that had turned his world upside down, seeing Nicole cry was not something he ever thought he would see. Ever.
Instinctively, he walked over and took her in his arms. What had he done? What had he done?
‘I’m sorry if I made a mistake coming here. I know you don’t love me,’ she said between sobs, ‘and I know what this must be doing to you.’
He tried not to cry. He had to be strong.
They stayed embracing for a while, neither of them saying anything.
‘Nicole,’ he finally said, lifting her chin and looking in her eyes. ‘You did the right thing by coming here and telling me. And I know it couldn’t have been easy. But it’s my child and, yes, I will do the right thing as well. I will marry you,’ he said.
He didn’t love her. Looking in her eyes now he felt a mix of tenderness and pity and a sense of duty. But not love. Not that kind of love. But there was no other way, and he knew it.
Nicole started sobbing now, her body shaking in his arms. ‘You will? Are you sure?’
He took a deep breath. Sure? No, he wasn’t sure. But he couldn’t allow himself to think about it too much. It was the right thing to do.
‘I am sure,’ he said and caressed her hair. ‘And I think we should go to New York, just like you wanted. We shouldn’t stay here. It’s better this way.’
‘Really?’ she asked, wiping her tears.
He nodded.
He asked her to give him a few hours to sort out his business, then they would meet up the next morning to discuss travel plans.
‘We should tell JJ together,’ he said. ‘Tomorrow.’
She agreed. They hugged on her way out.
Nicole took his hands in hers and held them tight. ‘I do love you very much, Alexander. This is going to be a new beginning for us. And we’ll be so happy. You’ll see,’ she said.
*
As soon as she left, he fell on the sofa and held his head in his hands, rocking back and forth. He wanted to cry, to scream, to yell.
Alexander didn’t know how long he stayed there, feeling his life ending, wondering if it wouldn’t have been better if he ended it himself. What was the point of living if he couldn’t be with the woman he loved? What was the point of anything? The only thing stopping him was the baby, that innocent soul who wasn’t guilty of the way it came into the world.
No, he couldn’t be like his father. He’d sworn to himself he was never going to be like Leonard. He had to do it, for the child. He’d made the right choice. The most difficult decision he had ever made. But there was no other way.
ALEXANDER
8 JULY 1964, EVENING
PARIS
He walked out of his apartment ten times, and ten times he went back in.
How could he possibly face Dominique? How could he tell her the truth? But how could he not? Maybe he could just call her. No, that would be such a cowardly thing to do. Dominique didn’t deserve to be treated like that. But, as it was, she didn’t deserve any of what was happening. Either way, no matter what he was going to do, whether he ran to New York like a coward or faced her, he would break her heart. He would do the one thing he promised himself he was never going to do – hurt her.
No. He had to go and tell her. He owed her that much. He owed their love that much.
He took his time getting to her studio. Didn’t drive, didn’t take a taxi or a bus, but instead walked, trying to postpone the inevitable. The unimaginable heartbreak he was about to cause her. To cause himself. As if, until he told her, it wasn’t really true. It wasn’t yet true. They were still the happy couple who had kissed that morning, and he was still the same man who went shopping for an engagement ring. But they weren’t, and Alexander knew it.
The sun was setting when he finally arrived in front of her building.
The light was on in the studio, and for a few minutes, he just stood there, in the middle of the street, watching her window. Hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Of the Dominique who had sparkles in her eyes not tears.
He took a few deep breaths, gathering the little courage he had, and picked up a few pebbles off the road. He didn’t want to ring and let Constance know he was there. Just as he was about to throw the first pebble, the curtain moved, and a silhouette appeared in the window.
‘Dominique,’ he whispered. ‘Oh my God. What have I done?’
She opened the window wide. ‘Alexander! Thank God, you’re here. Come on up.’
A few seconds later, she buzzed him in.
Every step of the staircase took him closer to the end. Closer to her, but further from her than he had ever been.
She was waiting for him at the top of the stairs and when his foot touched that last step, she jumped in his arms and kissed him. ‘I was so worried. Where have you been? I thought something had happened.’
He stood there, transfixed, unable to move, like had had turned into stone.
She pulled him into the studio and closed the door behind them.
‘Do you like my dress? I bought it just for you. For tonight.’
She did a pretend pirouette. She was so beautiful. So perfect. His Dominique.
He tried to swallow but couldn’t. Tried to breathe but couldn’t.
‘Is everything alright? What’s wrong? Why are you not saying anything?’
‘Dominique,’ he started but couldn’t continue.
He took her in his arms and hid his head in the folds of her dress, afraid she might see his tears. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t break down. He had to be strong. For her. He held her so tight, he was afraid she couldn’t breathe anymore.
Alexander let go.
‘You’re scaring me,’ she said. ‘What’s wrong? Please, tell me. You know you can tell me anything.’
‘I do have something – something to tell you,’ he said and taking her hand, he led her to the small window seat.
‘We can’t…’ His breathing was so agitated he could barely speak. ‘We can’t see each other anymore.’
He couldn’t even look at her, afraid he was going to break down.
Was it too late to take it all back? Maybe there was another solution. Maybe he could just take care of the child, provide for him or her, but not actually be there every day. And then what? He’d be like his father. Like JJ. As much as he loved his godfather, and as much as he took his side in front of Nicole, the truth is he had always judged him for not being there for his daughter, for leaving her with just a nanny, a stranger, to take care of her. And look what that had done to JJ and to Nicole. It had broken both of them, in ways that could not be fixed. No, he couldn’t make the same mistakes.
‘What do you mean?’ Her tone was a mix of confusion and disbelief.
‘We just can’t be together. I�
�’ He was trying not to cry.
‘Alexander, I don’t understand. Are you making a joke? Because it’s not really funny.’
There was still doubt in her tone. And hope. Hope that it was a joke. He could hear it in the inflexions of her voice.
‘Nicole is pregnant,’ he said and got up. He couldn’t look at her.
Silence. Perfect silence. Not a gasp, not a sound.
‘I see,’ she said eventually.
‘I have to do the right thing. I have to marry her. For the baby.’
Silence again.
‘Of course.’
He heard her take a deep breath, a shaky deep breath and he knew she was crying. Alexander couldn’t turn to face her. He couldn’t look at her, imagining her pain and knowing he was the cause.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, his head low. ‘I’m so sorry, Dominique.’
‘It’s alright. You have to do the right thing.’
He finally turned to her. Dominique’s face was expressionless. Pale. She stared into space, almost like he wasn’t even there.
‘Please, please forgive me. Please don’t hate me,’ he said. Almost begged.
‘I don’t hate you.’
She got up and walked over to the door.
‘I think you should go. It’s not appropriate for you to be here, at this hour, when—’
Dominique opened the door and stepped aside.
He grabbed her arm. ‘This is breaking my heart. Let’s not say goodbye like this. I’m begging you. Don’t you understand? I—’
She stared him down. An ice-cold look in her eyes. ‘Don’t you dare say it. Just don’t. Not now.’ She yanked her arm out of his hold.
Dominique was changed. Cold. Distant. She was acting like a stranger. Like there had never been anything between them. Like she hated him. No. Worse. Like he meant nothing to her. She wasn’t his Dominique anymore. And he deserved it all. But how much it hurt.
He reached out his hand to touch hers, but she avoided his touch.
With his head down, tears pooling in his eyes, Alexander walked out the door.
He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye, so he didn’t. He just left.
He’d come so close, so close to having it all. And now he had lost it. He had lost everything. Her. His dreams. Her love.
He wiped his tears and went down the stairs.
His life was over. He had hurt the person he loved most in the world. He’d hurt her in the worst possible way, and he didn’t know how he was going to live with that. How he was going to live with that image of her, looking at him like he meant nothing, like they had meant nothing.
DOMINIQUE
8 JULY 1964, EVENING
PARIS
Dominique stood there for a few moments, her head pressed against the door, her hand still on the handle. Her breathing accelerated. So many emotions invaded her senses.
First, revolt and rage. Why did she get that glimpse into absolute happiness, for it to be taken away in a heartbeat? Why did she have to meet him? Why did she have to fall in love with him? Why? So she could suffer like that? How could she have been so wrong about him? About them?
Then, a panic. Had she been wrong? What was she doing?
And in the end, a moment of clarity. Dominique opened the door and ran down the stairs in her bare feet, jumping three, four steps at a time. As fast as she could. Like her life depended on it. What if it was too late? What if he had already left?
She reached the front door and jumped into the street. Desperate.
He was still there. Standing in the middle of street, looking up at the sky as if he was waiting. For a miracle maybe.
‘Alexander!’ she called out to him, his name rolling off her lips like a desperate cry for help. Like a gasp for air.
His gaze met hers.
Dominique didn’t know if she ran towards him, or if he ran towards her or if, perhaps, they met in the middle. All she knew was that her arms were now around his neck, her feet off the ground like she was flying, as his lips pressed on hers. He kissed her again, so passionately, so intensely she felt they were going to melt into one being and no one would ever be able to tell them apart, no one could ever separate them again. She kissed him with the fervor and desperation of those last moments together. Of that goodbye she knew was coming.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said and wouldn’t let him go. Feeling him next to her, feeling his heart beat next to hers, the warmth of his body. Knowing it was the last time. It was almost too much for her to bear.
‘I am the one who should be sorry. You did nothing wrong. I alone did this to us.’
‘I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I was shocked. And selfish.’ She caught her breath. ‘I didn’t want us to say goodbye like that. I didn’t want that to be the last image I have of you and me. I couldn’t live with it.’
She felt tears coming, but she forced herself to be strong. She had to be strong. For him.
He caressed her face so lovingly and so gently, her heart, already ripped to pieces, broke a bit more. ‘I don’t want to say goodbye to you at all. I don’t want to be without you. Oh, how I wish—’ he whispered.
She took his hands in his. ‘I know. I wish that too. But it’s not possible. We both know it. And it hurts and it’s unfair, but you are doing the right thing, and we’ll have that as our comfort. Your child will have a father, a wonderful father.’
Alexander didn’t seem so confident. ‘You are going to be wonderful,’ she said.
She didn’t want to make things worse, but words poured out of her, straight from the heart. Unfiltered. Raw. ‘I’m sorry I will not get to see it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner how I felt. I’m sorry I wasted so much of our precious little time. Maybe things would’ve turned out differently. I wish I could do it all over. I wish…’
She stopped for a moment. ‘But just like all our other wishes, it’s not possible. We just have to be strong. And say goodbye.’
She couldn’t believe she was saying that. She couldn’t believe it was truly over. And in a few minutes, maybe a few seconds, he would leave, and she was never going to see him again.
‘I can’t,’ he said, his voice so weak she barely heard him. ‘Goodbye sounds like forever. And I cannot handle forever not being with you. Let me at least have that hope. If there’s no goodbye, there is still that chance that someday…’ He had tears in his eyes.
She put a finger to his lips. ‘That wouldn’t be right. If you continue to hope, you will never be fully invested in your real life, your life with your wife and child. You will be there with them, but not truly there with them.’
He closed his eyes for a moment. They both knew she was right.
Alexander took her in his arms and they stayed like that for a while, neither of them saying a word.
Dominique didn’t want to be the one who said it first, but she had to be strong. There was no other way. Seeing him in pain like that, it hurt her more than her own suffering.
She slowly let go and pulled back.
‘Goodbye, Alexander,’ she said and gulped. My God, he was right. How final that sounded. How devastating.
He looked in her eyes for a few more moments. ‘I want to remember,’ he said.
She took a step back. He took a step back. They were still holding hands.
One more step. Their hands barely touched.
One more. They let go.
She headed towards home; he walked the opposite direction.
A second. Two. Three.
Dominique turned. To see him one more time. Even as he was walking away.
But Alexander wasn’t walking away. Not yet.
He had turned too, facing her, and now they were staring in each other’s eyes, from across the street, like they had done that day, many months ago. Before it all started.
He smiled, put his hand on his heart, then raised it up in the air and mouthed, ‘Goodbye.’
He had finally said it.
She placed her trembling hand
on her heart too. Then she turned and rushed inside, afraid she wouldn’t be able to control her emotions for much longer. That she’d run after him and beg him not to leave. Beg him to choose her.
Behind the closed door, Dominique broke down; she fell to her knees, her head in her hands, and started to cry. Quietly at first, then sobbing.
It was over. He was gone.
DOMINIQUE
8 JULY 1964, NIGHT
PARIS
Not even two hours after she had said goodbye to Alexander, someone rang the downstairs buzzer.
In all the chaos of that long, heartbreaking day, Dominique hadn’t had a chance to call Vincent and tell him she wasn’t going to show up for her own birthday party and now it was too late. Margaux had sent a car to pick her up and the driver was waiting in front of the house.
Dominique didn’t have time or energy to change out of her dress, so she pulled her hair up in a ponytail, put a little makeup on, just enough to hide the evidence of her tears, grabbed her shoes and went downstairs.
Neither Vincent nor Margaux had done anything to hurt her. She would go, stay for a little while, then say she wasn’t feeling well and make it an early night. Then, when she and Vincent had a moment alone, Dominique would tell him the truth. The truth she should’ve told him a long time ago.
Dominique was in tears just thinking about it. She had waited too long to admit the truth to everyone, even herself. She didn’t love Vincent; she loved Alexander. Even though he had just left her broken-hearted. Even though he was about to marry another woman. And now Dominique was the one who was about to break the heart of someone who loved her. She would end her relationship with Vincent, because she had to do the right thing. She loved another man more. She had kissed another man. She’d spent the night with another man and because of that alone there was no future for her and Vincent anymore. Her conscience wouldn’t let her.
When she showed up at the restaurant, Vincent didn’t give her a chance to have the serious conversation she wanted to have and the night went by in a flash. He seemed giddy, almost manic, hugging her and going for kisses that Dominique successfully deflected.