by S. Massery
My stomach swoops.
“Going somewhere?” he asks. “Last I checked, you’re supposed to ask for permission.”
Is it possible that my face gets hotter? I’m burning from embarrassment… and a smidge of hatred. I survived a whole semester of him existing in the school—during lacrosse season, nonetheless. Why couldn’t he just stay the hell away?
“Not from you,” I say.
The class rustles around me like leaves in the wind. I can’t wait to hear how this will turn into gossip and fly around the school.
Eli’s smile widens.
I shake my head, daring him to say something, but he doesn’t. He watches me hurriedly pack my bag and throw it over my shoulder. I walk as calmly as I can to the door, out into the hallway.
Stairwell, up instead of down.
Roof access.
I shove the heavy metal door open and use one of my textbooks to keep it ajar, then cross to the ledge. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes.
Eli and I used to come up here. It was a getaway when things got too rocky.
And I hadn’t been back. I couldn’t.
The roof reminds me of Eli, plain and simple.
That used to be a bad thing… but he’s here anyway. He’s not going anywhere, as far as I can tell.
How do I make him leave me alone?
I hop onto the ledge and swing one leg over, letting it dangle. The cool fall breeze rushes up the side of the brick wall, snatching at my hair. The first time I came up here, it was sophomore year, just at the beginning. Maybe even the first week of school.
I was having a panic attack. Mom was finally home, but it didn’t stop my worry. Some things just become routine, you know? So I was in class, and the feeling of being trapped was inevitable. It came in the form of history class, and I suddenly couldn’t breathe.
It snuck up on me a bit.
I asked to go to the bathroom, took the hall pass, and booked it out of there.
Two girls in the bathroom suggested the roof and how to get there. But when I rushed up there… I wasn’t alone.
I close my eyes, not wanting to remember what happened next.
How he seemed surprised to see me invading his secret spot—but he wasn’t mad. He beckoned me closer, rubbed my back while I tried to get my body under control.
And he kissed me up here.
A lot.
Touched—
Stop it.
I open my eyes and swing my leg over to safety. I grab my bag and textbook and hurry back down the stairs. Back into the classroom. No one says anything, especially Eli. I thought he’d have a witty comment, but he stares at me like he’s never seen me before.
Interesting.
17
Eli
I’m on a mission.
Well, I was.
And I don’t know if I would call it a mission, exactly. That was more of a desperate attempt to be cool.
I was trying to destroy Riley.
But then she walked back into the classroom, and I know that expression. I’ve been struggling to read her lately. Her walls were erected since we broke up. But for a split second—maybe she forgot that I’m the substitute, or just didn’t fucking care—her guard dropped, and absolute misery was written all over her face.
So, my goal is to get to the bottom of it. To uncover her secrets.
What I’ll do with those secrets is still yet to be decided.
The bell rings, and she’s the first out the door. I take my time gathering my things, knowing she can’t escape me so easily. She’s carless, and while she might think her friends can give her a ride home, I’ll be the only one left to do so. A few strings pulled to get Skylar and Parker out of the way.
Home, and then maybe even to Skylar’s house for that stupid party. It’s kind of ridiculous that the coaches have to go, but whatever. I’m picturing a quiet affair, and then I can leave.
My phone chimes.
Caleb: How’s ERE?
I grit my teeth. He’s not being cruel—I think it’s a genuine question. But he asked it in the group chat, so it feels like I have all three pairs of eyes on me as I contemplate my answer.
Me: It’s fine.
Lame, but it gets the point across.
“It doesn’t look fine.”
I jerk around. Caleb leans in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. He raises his eyebrows at me, and I groan.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“Checking on you.” He comes over and helps me shove papers back into the teacher’s desk. Admittedly, I searched through them all for Riley’s name and didn’t bother to reorganize them.
“Did my mother call you?”
He grunts. “No.”
I smack my forehead. “Dad? Seriously?”
He rolls his eyes. “Riley called Margo.”
I hesitate, and he latches on to that.
“Fuck, dude.” He pushes my shoulder. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m getting to the bottom of this situation,” I mutter. “It isn’t like I have anything better to do. She just dumped me, and then she basically ruined my whole family’s reputation. I didn’t think she could be that…”
He waits.
And I try to think of a word that accurately describes Riley Appleton.
“Selfish.”
“She thinks the whole relationship was a lie,” he informs me.
I blink. “Huh?”
“Margo and I ran into Savannah a week ago. She was talking shit, stuck in the past. Not unlike yourself.”
Ah, so this is an intervention.
He follows me down the hall. “You can’t run from this.”
I shake my head. “No offense, but I’d rather hear a detailed confession from Riley, not second or thirdhand information.”
“What are you going to do? Hold her down until she tells you?”
I smirk. “Maybe.”
He coughs. “You’re way out of your league. And I’m saying that as the poor sap who thought he was in charge of the relationship with Margo.”
“What?”
“Totally pussywhipped,” he admits. “And proud of it.”
“Great.” Leaving school, I expect to see Riley there. Instead, an empty parking lot. Just my truck in the corner and a few other vehicles. “Where is she?”
“Who, Margo?”
I glare at him.
He grins. “She gave Riley a ride.”
“Fucking hell.”
“Come on.” He slings his arm around my shoulders and guides me to my car. “I have a surprise.”
The surprise turns out to be… Liam and Theo.
I rear back, positive that I’m seeing things. “Um, you guys should be in school.”
“Nah, we all decided to take a long weekend. No biggie.” Liam slaps my palm and pulls me close.
Theo does the same, patting my back, and I grin. This reminds me of the good old days—which were really just a few weeks ago, before we all went in separate directions. The four of us are tighter than blood brothers.
Good thing, too, because Theo’s older brother is an asshole.
Caleb’s an only child, same with me, and Liam’s younger brother is okay. He goes to the public school in Stone Ridge and generally keeps good company, although I think Liam’s worried about him.
We pile into my truck. “So, what do we do?”
Theo grins. “We have a party to go to.”
Uh-oh.
“You don’t mean Skylar’s—”
“Yep,” Liam answers, popping the p. “We’ve decided you and Riley just need to have it out, get back together, and you can go back to school.”
I tilt my head. “Oh, you’ve decided, huh?”
“We were gonna play it cooler than that,” Theo mutters. “You seem miserable.”
“I am miserable,” I snap.
Okay, I don’t really mean to admit it, but what the hell? I dropped out of a well-known school to play fucking mind games with my
ex. And it’s sort of working. She’s jumpier than usual. And today in class?
I know she went to the roof.
The last time she was driven up to the roof, her mom was at the peak of her cancer treatments…
Shit.
What could be worse than cancer?
“Go to my house,” Liam says. “I haven’t seen Mom or Jake yet.”
I nod sharply, turning onto the main road that’ll take me to Stone Ridge. My mind runs through over worse and worse scenarios for Riley while the guys banter. I smile at the right time, nod along to their jokes. It’s a familiar disguise I wear.
The art of making people think you’re present.
When in reality, we’re miles away.
“Dude.” Liam jabs my arm. “Here.”
I slam on the brakes. I almost missed his driveway—so maybe I’m not in practice.
“Guess it’s been too long,” I try to joke, but they all go quiet. “What?”
“You okay?” Caleb asks.
I groan. “I’m fine. Please. Have I ever not been fine?”
Caleb’s eyebrows rise.
And yeah, okay, there was that one time I might’ve gone a little pill happy. Nothing a night in the hospital couldn’t fix. Is it really my fault that my cousin left a medicine cabinet full of drugs behind when he died?
Easy enough to take a few pills out of each bottle and save them for later. If anyone noticed, they blamed him. He must’ve doubled up a few days, poor thing. Memory shot in the end.
I park next to Liam’s old beater car. He gifted it to his brother before he and Theo left for Boston, and I’m shocked Jake kept it. It’s a rust bucket.
Liam’s mom meets us on the porch, her eyes glistening. She cups Liam’s cheeks, shaking her head. “You’re back! I thought you wouldn’t be able to make it until Christmas…”
His whole head turns pink. “Surprise.”
He kisses her cheek and slips past her. We all take turns greeting her, and she stops me with both of her hands around mine.
“I heard you’re working at Emery-Rose?” she asks.
I nod once.
“Such a lovely thing. Working in education is giving back to the community. Don’t let your parents fool you into thinking it’s a poor man’s job.”
I raise my eyebrow. “At the rate they’re paying me, it is a poor man’s job. But I like it until I know what direction I’m going in.”
She pats my cheek, same as she did to each of the others. “Jake just ordered pizza. I’ll have him add a few pies.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” Liam yells. “We’re going to the cross-country pasta dinner.”
Not too long ago, his mother would make soups for them to eat over a week’s time. At my expression, she shakes her head and leans in close. “Liam got a job. He’s been sending money back to us to help out, and it’s been a blessing.”
I wince. “I’m sorry.”
“For what? We’re not your responsibility.”
Sometimes it feels like everyone is.
She releases me, and I head inside. Their basement was converted to a little game room a while ago, and I automatically go down the stairs. Theo and Caleb are at the pool table, setting up the balls, and Liam flips through radio stations in the corner.
“One game,” Liam warns.
“Why, so we’re not late?” I roll my eyes. “What’s Skylar going to say when you show up?”
He scoffs. “She won’t mind.”
“I bet.” I check my phone, but the screen is void of notifications. A year ago, Riley would’ve been blowing it up.
The good old days?
I can feel my mood ebbing away toward dullness. It’s heavier than fog, a damp blanket that settles over my shoulders. I can fake it. I will fake it—until I make it, isn’t that the saying? Until the fog lifts?
When will that be?
The answer is: I don’t know.
So I do what I do best and throw back my shoulders, striding over to the pool table like I own the place. Cocky, self-assured asshole. It’s the branding I’ve fallen back on, even if it’s a lie.
“Caleb’s my partner,” I inform them.
Theo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right. How about we flip for it?”
Caleb holds up his hands. “Ladies, please. Don’t fight over me.”
I resist the urge to punch him. “Fine.”
Liam comes over and elbows me. “We can take ’em.”
Fuck that. We’re so going to crush them.
And we do. Fifteen minutes later, the game is won when I sink the eight ball into the corner pocket.
But it doesn’t do a damn thing to make me feel.
18
Riley
Margo stands in the center of my room, rotating slowly. “You redid like… everything.”
I wave my hand from my position on the bed. The plan was to eat sweets and gossip until the party at Skylar’s, but she seems a bit shell-shocked.
“Seriously, Riley, it doesn’t even feel like your room.”
“It’s just paint.”
Her mouth drops open. “You went from mint green to… this.”
I glance at the wall she’s staring at. True, it’s a little… edgy. The gray was darker than I anticipated—which is why it’s an accent wall. The other three are light blue, almost white-gray.
“And you changed your furniture.” That’s an accusation.
“I needed a new bed set,” I mumble.
I am definitely not telling her about the time Eli tied my wrists to my old headboard, and after we broke up I couldn’t stand to sleep with it glaring at me. Yes, headboards can glare. I covered it with a sheet, but it looked ridiculous.
Dad wanted to cheer me up, and it just so happened that he had a credit card handy.
The desk is the same, although the chair is different. I took it from Mom’s home office, back when she had one. She hasn’t worked in years…
I clear my throat. “Are you done ogling? Because we need to catch up on all things you.”
She joins me on the bed, staring up at the stars glued to my ceiling. “At least some things haven’t changed.”
“How is it?” I ask, closing my eyes. “College, I mean. Living with Caleb. All that.”
“It’s good,” she says. “Different, you know? Like here, we’re so protected. And there’s a schedule. Now suddenly we’re adults figuring it out.”
I grunt. “Do the Jenkinses know you’re back?”
“No. We’re only here for the evening, Caleb and I. I think Theo and Liam are staying longer, but I have a meeting with my advisor first thing tomorrow morning.”
I glance at her. “On a Saturday?”
“Yep. She’s cool. We’re getting coffee.”
I try to picture myself ever meeting up with a teacher outside of school, but I can’t do it. College is weird.
She pokes me. “What about you, now?”
“What about me?”
“Eli works at the school.” She raises her eyebrows. “That can’t be easy. And did you apply to NYU? We have an apartment in our building that’s opening up next year. We can be neighbors.”
I shift. What she’s probably unaware of is Mom sleeping in her room at four-thirty in the afternoon, and how I haven’t seen Dad in two days. I can’t just admit that sort of thing.
And then there’s the financial aspect.
“I need our cross-country team to get to the state championships,” I say. “I’m hoping to impress some recruiters for a scholarship.”
“What’s going on with you?”
I sit up. “What do you mean?”
She joins me, leveling me with a glare. “Be honest.”
“Oh. Um…” God, when did I become that bitch? The one who can’t open up to her best friend? Talk about fear of judgement. “I think someone is messing with me.”
She tilts her head.
“So I was running earlier this month, and it was foggy, and I swear someone was following me. I fell, but whe
n I did, I lost my water bottle. This one.” I grab it from my desk and shove it at her. “It was waiting for me in the afternoon when I was going to drag Noah out to look for it. We left the house and came back and it was on the porch.”
She shifts it in her hand. “So someone found it who knew it belonged to you?”
I shiver. “I feel like I’m being watched all the time.”
It’s the first time I’ve admitted that out loud. The constant niggling at the back of my mind, my skin crawling…
“Who would be watching you?”
“Well, there’s one obvious answer,” I murmur. “Eli.”
She grunts. “I guess. He was pretty torn up about your breakup, which you still haven’t told me anything about. You know he came to our apartment? Talked to Caleb at the crack of dawn about some sort of revenge plot.” She rolls her eyes. “That’s how Caleb and I started off, too.”
I grimace. “Eli and I are… complicated.”
“Once you bring murder into it, it doesn’t get much more complicated.” She holds up her hands. “I’m sorry—it’s not a competition. What are you going to do?”
I cover my face. “I don’t know. Part of me wants to get him fired, but I think that’s out the window. He needs the job, and I need to get to State. They’re sort of tied together at this point, and he is helping. As much as I hate to admit it.”
When our group—the faster girls on the team—runs with Eli, I stay toward the back. Off his radar. But he’s a good runner and seems to have impeccable pacing. Even I can grudgingly see it.
I’m in the habit of omitting things, so I don’t say anything else—like how he put up with me on the verge of my freak-out. He even looked like he softened for a minute or two that night. It’s exactly why I put those walls back up.
“Honey?” Mom pushes my door open. “Oh, Margo!”
My best friend hops up and hugs my mom, not even batting an eye at what she’s wearing—her threadbare robe tied tightly around her waist, fuzzy slippers, and her hair messy and loose around her shoulders.
“I didn’t know you were here, Mrs. Appleton,” Margo says as she steps back. “How are you?”
“Oh, you know how things go. Is Noah home?”