I shook my head, wanting to dry the blood, to stop the bleeding, but unable to reach the wound. He was bleeding internally, nearly gone already if the blank stare was any indication. I couldn’t let him go like that. I couldn’t let him die. We needed him. His family needed him. Daisy needed him.
“What do I do, Harry? What do I do? You’re the only one who would know; Noah’s right. You probably know the herb to give to stop the bleeding or the right position to lay you in…” I choked back sobs, talking because there was nothing else I could do. “You can’t leave us like this. You can’t leave Daisy. Do you hear me? You have to stay with me. You have to fight. You have to fight for us. For her.”
I tried to catch my breath, my lungs burning from lack of oxygen. “What did you do?” I screamed into the forest, no longer caring if anyone heard me. “Why did you do this? He didn’t deserve this. We didn’t deserve this.” I wailed a painful, furious cry into the air, then let my face fall to the ground, breathing in the dirt and grass beneath me. I couldn’t force myself to get up. I couldn’t move. I never wanted to move again.
I felt his fingers move slightly, twisting themselves through my hair, and I looked up. His eyes were still in a far-off place, his gaze pointed toward the sky. Tears blurred my vision as I watched a small smile form on his lips.
As he released a breath, almost a shudder, his words were a whisper. I knew in an instant they would be his last. “Daisy…be…safe.” His head flopped sideways, blood dripping to the ground from his nose and mouth, and he never took another breath.
No. No. No.
When I lifted his shirt again, his entire torso was nearly black. I didn’t know what was broken or what I should’ve done differently, but it all hurt just the same. Everything felt lost. Rage built up in my chest, a swelling bubble of heat ready to combust.
I pounded my fists on the ground, releasing a guttural scream as my tears mixed with the dirt until it had become mud beneath my face. It wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t have happened.
One minute, he was alive and fine, and the next, he was just gone.
No warning, no goodbye, and I was the only person there to hear his last words. It should’ve been Daisy. No, there shouldn’t have been any last words. He should’ve been home with his family. We all should’ve, instead of dying here alone on this island.
I looked up, slowly lifting my hands to his eyes and closing the lids.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, the guilt over what I’d done overwhelming me. If I hadn’t lost my footing, he wouldn’t have been distracted. He wouldn’t have fallen to his death. If I’d been more careful, he’d still be alive. I’d have to live with that truth for the rest of my life, however short it may be.
If we ever made it off the island, I’d have to tell that truth to his family. To his daughter. I’d have to tell her that his final thoughts were with her. I’d have to watch her face crumple as she sobbed into her only remaining father’s chest.
I’d have to do it all and know that somehow, on some level, it was all my fault.
I sat up on my knees, my head hung low as I sobbed, letting the emotion overtake me. What was the point of any of it? If we were all going to die—and without Harry, we surely were—what was the point of fighting it anymore? We’d be better off spending the rest of our lives playing in the ocean until the heat or hunger took us out than trying to find a way back home.
It was obvious now that was never going to happen.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered again, closing my eyes. My head was heavy, chest tight. Nothing made sense. Everything hurt, every thought shattered me from the inside. He was a stranger, yet he was a friend. I barely knew him, and yet, I loved him.
He didn’t deserve this.
I let myself collapse next to him, staring into the distance where his glasses lay as my vision blurred with tears and anger.
He didn’t deserve this.
Where was Noah? When would he come back?
He didn’t deserve this.
I closed my eyes and faded into the darkness, hoping by some miracle, I’d wake up and find out this had all been a dream.
Chapter Eighteen
When I awoke, dusk had begun to settle, but I was still alone. Noah hadn’t returned.
At realizing that, I sat up quickly, my body stiff from the ground. I let go of Harry’s hand, placing it gently on his stomach and standing up. Why hadn’t Noah come back? Had he abandoned me? It was going to be dark soon, and I had no idea which way home was, nor enough time to get there. I also had no idea how to build a fire.
I looked toward the sack on the ground, kicking it gently. There were three coconuts left and I had our two machetes, but Noah had taken the gun with him.
I was alone in the woods with no one to help me bury Harry and no one to help me survive the night.
I turned to walk away from Harry, though I desperately didn’t want to leave him alone, and grabbed the two machetes from the ground. I couldn’t carry two efficiently, but the idea of leaving one there for someone else to find was terrifying. I took a step toward the woods and heard a crunch.
No.
His glasses.
I stepped back, my skin crawling with repulsion. How could I have forgotten they were there? I bent down, trying to make out the frames in the shadows, and picked them up. They’d twisted, one side turned upward and its lens completely shattered. I cursed under my breath, tears filling my eyes once again as the pain of his loss was suddenly front and center again. I turned the frame correctly, folding the glasses and placing them in the pocket of his shirt. He couldn’t be buried without them, and I knew that was what would come next. After I managed to find Noah.
If I managed to find Noah.
I turned away from Harry’s body as a bird flew overhead, its body casting a shadow over mine. As I neared the edge of the woods, I saw the white shape of a body sitting on a rock. For a second, I thought it must be the woman, but then I saw the dark of his hair, buried in his hands.
“Noah?” I called, rushing forward. I moved quickly. He wasn’t moving. Had he been hurt? What was he doing?
As I neared him, I realized his shoulders were shaking with sobs.
“Noah, what is it? What’s going on?”
He looked up at me, his eyes shadowy and brimming with tears. He shook his head.
“I can’t do it,” he barely managed to choke out.
“Can’t do what?”
“I can’t do it. I can’t see him like that. I can’t watch him die. He’s going to die…”
Finally starting to understand what was happening, I bent down onto my knees, placing a hand on his thigh. “Noah, he’s…he’s already gone.” I meant it to sound gentler, but it came out matter-of-fact. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize the two of you were so close.” Honestly, it completely confused me. I’d never seen them do anything other than fight.
He rubbed his eyes forcefully. “We weren’t.” He sniffled, shaking his head. “I hate this shit, man.”
“I know, it’s hard…” I patted his leg carefully, still confused.
“My brother died when I was six. Freak accident. I saw it happen…” He shuddered, giving in to the tears again. “I can’t watch people die. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave you to do it alone. I just couldn’t be there…”
“I…” The confession made me breathless. He’d never intended to get anything to help Harry. He’d already known it was too bad to save him. He’d walked away so he didn’t have to watch him die. “Oh, Noah… I’m so sorry.”
His face scrunched uncomfortably, fresh tears glimmering in the moonlight. “I shouldn’t have left you alone. I was a coward—”
“You weren’t—”
“I was—”
I grasped his face between my palms, forcing him to look at me. “You weren’t.” I paused, staring at him with what I hoped was a kind-but-forceful gaze. “You did what you had to do to protect yourself. You went through something traumatic, something most
people can’t even begin to understand, and this brought back memories. It makes sense, Noah. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He stared at me, silent for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth between mine. Then, without warning, he shoved forward, his lips colliding with mine so hard I immediately tasted blood. I recoiled, pushing him away from me.
“What are you doing?” I demanded, standing up as I dragged my hand across my mouth in horror.
“Oh, shit. Oh, god. I shouldn’t have… I wasn’t thinking. I just—”
“You weren’t thinking,” I repeated. “I have a husband, Noah. Our friend just died. You can’t just… You can’t just do that.”
He hung his head, and I realized I was rubbing salt in an already torn open wound. “I wasn’t thinking. I just acted.”
It wasn’t an apology. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it wasn’t that. It should’ve been an apology. I was a married woman, and he knew that. “I know we’re all in a weird headspace right now. Just…you can’t kiss me, Noah.”
“Understood,” he said, giving a firm nod. He stood from the rock, rubbing his palms over his arms quickly, as if he were cold. He wiped a stray tear from his cheek, his tone cooler, but not unfriendly. “What are we doing tonight? We can’t see the trees we marked in the dark. We’re going to have to make camp.”
“We have to bury him,” I said. “Before anything else. He deserves to be laid to rest the right way.”
“I don’t disagree, it’s just… How will we manage that?”
“We’ll use our hands if we have to,” I said, the very thought of leaving him without a burial making me sick. “We can’t just leave him.”
For a moment, I thought he was going to argue, but instead, he offered a small, sad smile. “Harry could use coconuts for just about everything. If he were here, I’ll bet he’d suggest using them to help us dig.”
In a morbid way, it felt as if we’d come full circle. Harry had taught us how to survive on the island using only what was readily available, and now we’d use what we’d learned from him to pay our respects.
We worked in silence, both of us sniffling and wiping away our tears as we dug. The process was long and grueling. My forearms burned, my fingernails had chipped and broken to the point that most of them were bleeding. The moonlight cast shadows across our faces so we had a form of privacy, though we were completely together in this.
When we’d dug a grave as big and deep as we could manage, our bodies and hair caked with mud and both of us completely and utterly exhausted, we stood there, the reality of what we were about to do sinking in.
“He deserved better than an unmarked grave in a random jungle in the middle of nowhere.” The words came out angry, bitter, and without being able to make out Noah’s features in the moonlight, I couldn’t tell whether that was what he was feeling too.
“It seems like that’s all any of us are going to get.”
“Don’t talk like that,” I said with a sharp inhale, though I couldn’t deny that I’d thought the same thing.
“Come on. You know as well as I do, if Captain Mega-Brain can’t make it in a place like this, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.”
“Harry’s…” I could hardly bring myself to say the word. “Death…was a terrible accident, but it was only an accident. We can still survive this. You have to believe that.”
I watched his fists move to his hips. “Why do I have to?”
“Because…” I had no real answer. “Because if you don’t, what’s the point?” I’d felt all the same things earlier, but now, hearing Noah say them, I felt powerless and angry that he’d given up so easily. We had to keep fighting. We had to never give up. If we didn’t, Harry would’ve died in vain. His death had to mean something, it had to propel us forward, give us a reason to keep going.
“I guess the point is that there is no point. We’re trapped on this stupid island with no idea when or if we’ll ever be rescued, no resources or idea what we’re doing to even attempt to survive—”
My voice rose with anger as I cut him off. “Harry taught us—”
“What?” he screamed, his voice echoing throughout the forest. “He taught us what? How to boil water in coconuts and how to build some makeshift shelter that the slightest storm will destroy? Can we really live like this for years? For the rest of our lives? Do we even want to?”
“What are you saying, Noah?” Anger and hopelessness had begun waging war inside of me, each emotion fighting for my attention. How dare he believe we are all going to die?—but also—we are all likely going to die.
“I’m saying we’re fucked. Don’t you get that?” He launched forward, grabbing two handfuls of dirt and throwing them to the side with a loud growl. “How are we supposed to fight this? We don’t know where we are, we don’t know what we’re up against, we don’t know anything.”
“You’re wrong. We don’t know where we are or why we’re here, but we do know something. We know that someone else is on this island. Harry died helping us to get that information. So, stop. Stop with the poor pitiful us talk. You’re allowed to be mad. You’re allowed to be sad. But you’re not allowed to give up. You’re not allowed to feel defeated. Harry died, and we’re still here. We have to keep going, if not for ourselves, for him. For your brother. For Harry’s daughter. We keep going because they didn’t get to. Because as long as we’re breathing, we still have something to fight for. You don’t get to give up right now. You have no right to do that. None of us do.”
“I don’t get you sometimes, Ace,” he sneered. “Let’s just get this over with.”
With that, he climbed out of the shallow grave, and I followed his lead. Fresh tears filled my eyes as we stood over Harry’s body. I had no idea what, if any, religion he followed. I’d never been religious myself, but I knew there were certain things done certain ways. Whatever we did, I didn’t want to be disrespectful.
Noah placed his hands under Harry’s shoulders, lifting him carefully and waiting for me to lift his feet. Together, we moved slowly, lowering his body into the grave. I touched his hand again, one last time, knowing I’d be the last person to touch him, the last person to see his face.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, kneeling down beside him. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I promise to tell Daisy how brave you were. I promise to tell her how you saved our lives and…how proud of her you were.” Silent tears cascaded down my cheeks as I held his cool hand. “Thank you for teaching us. For taking care of us and keeping us calm. I don’t know how we’ll do this without you, but I promise we will. We’ll keep going.”
To my surprise, Noah knelt down across from me on Harry’s opposite side. He didn’t touch him, didn’t say anything, but he tucked his chin to his chest, listening to my words with reverence.
“I know we hadn’t known you for long,” I went on, “but you were one of my best friends. I trusted you with my life… I’ll always be grateful for everything you did for me. For all of us.” I dusted my tears away, squeezing his hand gently. “I promise you won’t be forgotten. People will know about you. Everyone will know.”
As far as eulogies went, it may have been the worst ever. I didn’t know anything about him, really. I didn’t have a cute story about his life growing up. I didn’t know his favorite restaurant or the name of his childhood pet. I couldn’t speak to his life and all the good I was sure he’d done. I could only honor him the way I knew how, with my utmost respect, with the words I wished he was still there to hear.
“That was nice,” Noah said, interrupting the silence. “Really nice.” There was nothing insincere in his tone.
I sniffled. “Thanks.” Standing up, I grabbed a handful of dirt and sprinkled it on his body. Noah did the same. We repeated it over and over, until his body was mostly covered—at least as far as we could tell in the darkness. Then, we pulled the rest of the dirt in on him, patting it down gently until the loose dirt had all been placed on the grave. I lay down next to it, putt
ing my arm over the lump of earth. “We have to put something here. Mark his grave somehow. So when we need to come back, when we get found, we’ll be able to find his grave again.”
“We’ll mark it in the morning before we leave,” he promised. “For now, I need to get a fire started… And let’s both hope like hell I know how.”
“I’ll help you find wood.”
He held his hand up to stop me from standing. “You’re exhausted. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll find enough wood to get us through the night without leaving you. Just rest.”
“Are you sure?”
I yawned as he nodded and began gathering up sticks and brush along the forest floor. I knew he must’ve been just as exhausted as I felt, but it didn’t stop him from working. I lay my head on the mound of dirt again, cool tears trailing down my cheeks and mixing with the soil. I closed my eyes, saying another goodbye to my friend in my mind.
Warmth hit me suddenly and my eyes popped open. The fire was going, its flames lighting up the dark night.
“I fell asleep?” I asked, attempting to blink the blurriness from my vision. How had I fallen asleep so easily? I stifled a yawn, answering my own question. Grief was heavy, exhausting. Add that to all I’d been through that day, let alone the days leading up to it, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open.
Noah was sitting next to the fire, his arms wrapped around his folded knees. He nodded, the left side of his mouth rising slightly. “You snore.”
“I do,” I said, too tired to deny it.
“Me too,” he said simply. “Grit my teeth, too.”
“We’d be a fun pair for a sleepover, hm?” I said dryly. My chest hurt, I assumed from digging for so long, but also from the pain of it all. It still didn’t feel completely real.
He was silent for a moment, not meeting my eye. Then, he inhaled sharply. “You were a good friend to him.”
“I barely knew him…”
“It didn’t matter. Going through what we have together…none of us are strangers anymore.”
It felt true enough, but my throat was too dry to respond. I looked around. “Where are the coconuts?”
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