by Nora Lum
HISTORY
Flushing Meadow Park was the site of both the 1939 and 1964 World’s Fairs.
Once visited by millions, it is also the site of the New York City Building, which was originally built for the 1939 World’s Fair.
The NYC Building was then used to house the United Nations (the building is still intact as the Queens Museum).
The most identifiable features of the park are the Unisphere, New York State Pavilion, and Parachute Jump.
The Unisphere, New York State Pavilion, and Parachute Jump—were erected for the 1964–65 World’s Fair.
ADVENTURE BACKGROUND
IF PROSPECT, CENTRAL, AND PELHAM BAY WERE ITS SIBLINGS, Flushing Meadows would be the La Toya Jackson of the parks department, vetted for and then quickly dismissed as a potential candidate for the 2012 Olympics. This adventure starts in the southern Queens neighborhood of Forest Hills and continues onto a secret and slightly wooded walkway across the Grand Central Parkway before delving into the bowels of Flushing Meadows Park, the underappreciated yet highly endearing Jan Brady of Queens.
ITEMS FOR THE PARK
1. Water.
2. Any kind of shoe you wouldn’t wear to Ladies’ Night.
3. Picnic items, if that’s what you’re into.
4. Lying-down-and-tanning items, if that’s what you’re into.
5. Bench-reading items, if that’s what you’re into.
6. Photography items, if that’s what you’re into.
7. Grilling items, if that’s what you’re into. (Note: This is only legal in certain parts of the park; look for the “Do Not” signs)
START
Main Overpass:
(WARNING: Though sidewalks are carved out along this entrance, there is also a high volume of automobiles. If you’re willing to walk a bit farther, the second park entrance below does not have car traffic.)
Exit the Sixty-seventh Avenue subway station on the north side of Queens Boulevard and walk toward Sixty-seventh Drive to Sixty-ninth Road/Harry Van Arsdale Road.
Turn left on Sixty-ninth Road/Harry Van Arsdale Road.
OPTIONAL: Pedestrian Overpass
Walk northeast on Sixty-seventh Drive toward Yellowstone Boulevard.
Turn left on Yellowstone Boulevard.
At Sixty-fourth Avenue, turn right.
Pass 108th and 110th Streets.
The pedestrian overpass is situated directly next to the dog park.
Crossed the main overpass all right? Good. Still need to pee? Shoulda went beforehand. That highway you just walked over, by the way, is the Grand Central Parkway, and it was bumper-to-bumper because we’re still in New York City. All those cars down there can see you perfectly, so if the traffic is especially bad that day, feel free to do a little pre-walk twerking for the good of the muscles and the good of the frustrated, angry people down below.
ONWARD!
CHECKPOINT 1
MEADOW LAKE
Meadow Lake is the largest lake in New York City. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Keep walking and watch those birds.
See those birds I mentioned? DON’T TOUCH ’EM. If you’ll notice, there are no visitor guides or maps, no overfriendly, underpaid parks department interns passing out free swag. Right now, you need to look toward the adventurer within and GUT THAT SHIT. In one direction, you’ll see the end of the lake, some sad woods, and more highway. Don’t go that way. Toward the other direction, you will see the MEN IN BLACK SPACESHIPS peeking out in the distance. Walk toward those.
WARNING
1. NYPD does occasional sweeps of the park in its entirety. If you’re planning on bringing alcoholic beverages and/or marijuana, do so at your own risk.
2. There are no maps, just big things in certain directions. Those landmarks are your guides.
3. The ducks/geese/other large unidentifiable birds romping aimlessly along the banks of Willow and Meadow Lake WILL BITE YOUR FINGER WHEN APPROACHED, AND IT WILL CATCH YOU BY SURPRISE, THEN SWELL, THEN INSTILL THIS FAR-FETCHED, UNREALISTIC FEAR OF BIRDS THAT MAY IMPACT YOUR WORK, SOCIAL, AND ROMANTIC LIVES.
IS THAT WILL SMITH? OR A GOOSE?
CHECKPOINT 2
SMALL UNNAMED WEIRD TINY BRIDGE
All right, campers. After you’ve fallen into various small potholes and dodged loads of almost-human-sized bird feces (sorry), you will approach Checkpoint 2. Why, you might ask, is this bridge so tiny? I have no idea. Just cross it.
CHECKPOINT 3
MALOOF SKATE PARK
Unlike most of the park, this haven for sometimes-derelict BMX bandits and the occasional inline skater was not left over from either of the World’s Fairs.
CHECKPOINT 4
THE UNISPHERE
Okay, bitches. Take the camera out—it’s time for some INSTAGRAMMING. Perhaps the most identifiable icon of the borough of Queens, the Unisphere was also built for and left over from the 1964 World’s Fair. It’s huge, right? Is that Africa? Is that a wedding party? Is that a pants-less infant? IS THAT MISTER SOFTEE?!
MIB SPACESHIPS
CHECKPOINT 5
THOSE MEN IN BLACK SPACESHIPS
Let’s drop some knowledge on a playa real quick. If you haven’t seen Men in Black starring Will Smith as a precocious rookie alien agent and a middle-aged but still incredibly sexy Tommy Lee Jones as his emotionally hardened, balls-to-the-wall partner, then put down this book and do what you need to do to rectify the situation. Queens was shown some incredible love in the last scene of the film, in which these mammoth structures served as alien spaceships for Vincent D’Onofrio to sweep Linda Fiorentino off to his roach-king planet. Historically speaking, this scene is not factual.
The “spaceships” were erected for the 1964 World’s Fair and, as you’ll notice, haven’t really been touched since. Originally, they were used as an amusement ride called the Parachute Jump, and each one went up and down in a probably super-slow and squeaky, ungratifying way. The circular structure directly beneath the spaceships was originally called the New York State Pavilion, a central structure of the fair that housed a variety of restaurants and attractions. The pavilion has since been boarded up, but not irrevocably. Sneak a peek through the padlocked fence and—depending on the time of year—you’ll see a deeply weeded and haunting open field of neglect, decay, and beauty, or, if you’re there in the summer, you’ll probably see some feral cats doing the nasty. If you’re lucky, you’ll even see a crazy lady who insists on stuffing plastic containers full of cat food to feed “her other children.” Tell her “what up” for me.
QUEENS MUSEUM
ENDPOINT
THE QUEENS MUSEUM
Behind the Unisphere is the Queens Museum, previously mentioned as being located inside the New York City Building, as of 1972. Take a gander.
DETOURS
Walking deeper into the northern part of the park, you can exit in the Flushing or Corona neighborhood of northern Queens. Toward the Flushing end are the soccer fields, where you can catch a crazy, sweaty, hot game. Along the fences, you’ll find the Ecuadorian and Peruvian snack carts that serve everything from ices, gooey and amazing bread treats, to, uh, CE-FREAKING-VICHE. Cash only.
Write Your Own
BRIEF HISTORY OF
Queens
Queens is the largest and most (adjective) (noun) in the city. Queens was (verb, past tense) upon as one of the twelve original counties of New York.
Queens is named after Catherine de (nickname). In 1683, Queens became a (adjective) part of New (noun) and was originally settled by the (adjective) (nationality) colonists. The colonists also allowed (adjective) (nationality) settlers to form (noun, plural) across the county.
Queens is composed of a massive (number) square (unit of measurement). It has a current population of (number) residents. Its current (adjective) demographic is incredibly (adjective) and diverse, composed of communities of (noun, plural), (noun, plural), (noun, plural), and (noun, plural), among other residents. At the (body part) of Queens is Flushing (noun) Park
and (noun) Field, home of the New York Mets.
(type of profession, plural) such as Lucy Liu, Ray Romano, Judd Apatow, and Francis Ford (three-syllable noun) are among the (adjective) list of the (adjective) (noun, plural) of Queens.
FIFTEEN RANDOM, UNRELATED
CELEBRITIES WHO WERE
BORN IN NEW YORK CITY
THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
GARRY MARSHALL
Born in: The Bronx
Known for: Creating Happy Days and The Odd Couple and directing such hits as Pretty Woman and the cinematic masterpiece that is Beaches.
ED BURNS
Born in: Woodside, Queens
Known for: Being the steamy, sexual man person in films such as Jennifer Aniston’s greatest film ever, She’s the One; Saving Private Ryan; and The Brothers McMullen.
MARTIN LANDAU
Born in: Brooklyn
Known for: Stealing my entire heart in general, even in his eighties. He also was in Alfred Hitchcock’s North by Northwest and Mission: Impossible.
LUCY LIU
Born in: Jackson Heights, Queens
Known for: Being the first Asian American actress to host SNL and being the (surprise) technological brain in the best movie ever, Charlie’s Angels.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Born in: Manhattan
Known for: Being really hot in an alt way in such sweetheart classics as Lost in Translation and Woody Allen’s Match Point and subsequent parody Scoop.
ALAN ALDA
Born in: Manhattan
Known for: Being amazing as Arnold Vinick in The West Wing and being nominated for an Academy Award for his role in The Aviator.
LEAH REMINI
Born in: Brooklyn
Known for: The snarky character of Kevin James’s wife on The King of Queens.
BOBBY DARIN
Born in: The Bronx
Known for: Writing such crooner hits as “Splish Splash” and “Dream Lover.”
LENA DUNHAM
Born in: Manhattan
Known for: Being naked and neurotic in HBO’s Girls.
JOAN BAEZ
Born in: Staten Island
Known for: Being a part of the civil rights movements (and a 1960s icon in general) and singing folk songs.
THE NOTORIOUS BIG
Born in: Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
Known for: Being from Brooklyn, being called Big Daddy, dreaming about being up in limousines with Salt-n-Pepa and Heavy D.
Christina Aguilera
Born in: Staten Island
Known for: Being grumpy and oversecure on The Voice and singing loudly on tracks such as “Genie in a Bottle” and “Lady Marmalade.”
STEVE BUSCEMI
Born in: Brooklyn
Known for: His roles in Fargo, Boardwalk Empire, The Big Lebowski, and, unfortunately, the Adam Sandler version of Mr. Deeds. He is also the basis for a popular Internet meme, “Steve Buscemi Eyes,” where people Photoshop his eyes onto pictures of hot women for a frighteningly amazing image.
RICHARD DREYFUSS
Born in: Brooklyn, lived in Bayside, Queens, until age nine
Known for: Four words—MR. HOLLAND’S FREAKING OPUS.
SCOTT BAIO
Born in: Brooklyn
Known for: Playing Chachi Arcola, the pint-sized heartbreaker on Happy Days, and loving Joanie.
THE ADVENTURE
Welcome to South of South Brooklyn. I hope you enjoyed sitting on the Q train for nine and a half hours. Today we’re going to stray off the beaten path to Coney Island and into its lesser-known (but still wonderfully turnt-up) siblings.
HISTORY
Brighton and Sheepshead are home to a large population of Russian-speaking immigrants.
Sheepshead Bay is named after a large and very unattractive fish that used to live in the water.
Neil Simon’s Brighton Beach Memoirs was based here … in Brighton Beach.
It is one of the only places in the borough where you can find authentic Eastern European cuisine.
ADVENTURE BACKGROUND
THIS TOUR STARTS OFF AT THE BRIGHTON BEACH Q TRAIN stop and continues onto the boardwalk and into some vodka shots. From the beach, we will stop at the famous Brighton Bazaar and marvel at the biggest selection of Russian and European foods EVER. After being yelled at for taking sexually suggestive pictures by the salad bar, we will mosey on over to neighboring Sheepshead Bay at the Holocaust Memorial Park. We will then gaze out at the lovely hood swans defecating and honking liberally in the bay (they may also attempt to eat a cigarette butt right out of your hand).
BENVENUTO! I JUST RODE
THE Q TRAIN FOR 6½ HOURS!
START
Take the Q train to the Brighton Beach stop.
Exit at Brighton Sixth Street.
Turn right onto Brighton Sixth Street toward Brightwater Court.
When you reach the beach and boardwalk, Tatiana will be on your right.
CHECKPOINT 1
TATIANA
Welcome to one of the few places in New York City where day drinking feels OH SO RIGHT. Tatiana is more of an empire than it is a restaurant. Sprawled across a large portion of a busy entrance to the boardwalk, it stands as a café/restaurant/nightclub hybrid with over five hundred things on the menu. Chattering groups of older Russian men fill most of the café’s outdoor seating, yelling and probably talking smack about you over tiny plastic cups filled with vodka.
If you’re visiting Tatiana in the evening, I really hope you didn’t forget to pack that assless white patent leather bodysuit with the matching chinchilla thong and sequined neon cowboy hat that says BITCH on it. At night, Tatiana transforms into a booze-soaked wonderland of velvet, mirrors, velvet mirrors, low lighting, and four-on-the-floor techno bass grooves.
Food-wise, Tatiana has everything from traditional Russian dishes like borscht, caviar, beef stroganoff, and cold salads to a few fancy “fusion” dishes like Filet Pomadora and Duck Konfi. The café portion serves coffee and Russian teas, Courvoisier, wine, imported brew, and vodka. I understand if you don’t want to drink hard alcohol in the daytime on a Tuesday (because you’re a pussy), but I’m being honest when I say it’s difficult to pass up a $2 cup of vodka … anytime, anywhere.
CHECKPOINT 2
A BEACH WALK TO REMEMBER/
THE SQUATTER’S PAVILION
From Tatiana, make a right onto the boardwalk.
If weather permits, enter the beach at Brighton Fourth Street and romp to your leisure. Please mind the homeless people who are sleeping/pooping in the sand dunes.
This is kind of awkward, but while leaving Tatiana I mistook a deranged homeless woman for a waitress because she was coincidentally dressed in some version of a traditional Russian sarafan with a little apron on. Still thinking she was a waitress, I agreed to stroll with her for a moment onto the beach, where she revealed (literally out of nowhere) that she had been married twenty-five times and enjoys fornicating in the Atlantic Ocean with “many different men.” Because of her “hobby,” she has been fined numerous times for “just being naked” in said ocean. She then clarified that she doesn’t just live IN Brighton Beach so much as ON Brighton Beach.
I was intrigued by her affable ratchetry and continued to walk with her to her temporary “house.”
Please note that if you see a blond lady with a French accent fornicating/illegally skinny-dipping nearby and decide to say hello, she will probably ask you for a cigarette.
CHECKPOINT 3
BRIGHTON BAZAAR
From Brighton Sixth Street, walk north toward Brightwater Court.
Turn right onto Brighton Beach Avenue.
Turn left onto Brighton Eleventh Street.
Brighton Bazaar can be a dangerous place for the drunk and hungry. For me personally, any place with imported meats and not one but THREE salad bars basically spells pants-less eat-weeping in a dimly lit kitchen surrounded by tattered morsels of imported meats while eating an entire cake out of my bare hand and yelling things at m
y cat. The good news about BB, however, is that everything from the hot food and produce to the caviar is modestly priced, making sad-girl psychotic episodes all the more pathetic (though affordable).
Like Martha Washington’s vagina, Brighton Bazaar does not seem as large as it really is. Inside, the market is a sprawling maze of items both familiar and unrecognizable. From the fish area to the dried meat counters to the pastries and packaged candies, it is natural to feel DELICIOUSLY OVERWHELMED.
Pass the UFC Gym and marvel at the fact that there is actually such a thing as a UFC Gym. Oh, the unanswered questions racing through your head. Can just anyone join the UFC Gym even if their hopes of one day becoming a UFC fighter are fickle and fleeting? Where are the oily men in tank tops so tight their muscular man-chests are about to burst from them sexually in slow motion?
WHY DO I SMELL BURNING LEATHER?
CHECKPOINT 4
THE HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL PARK OF SHEEPSHEAD BAY
From Brighton Bazaar, make a left onto Brighton Eleventh Street heading toward Oceanview Avenue.
Turn slight right onto Neptune Avenue.