by Nora Lum
MORRONE’S CANNOLIS
PASSION OF THE CANNOLI
MEL GIBSON WITH MORRONE OWNERS, WEARING WHAT APPEARS TO BE A BUCKET HAT THAT HAD SEX WITH A WITCH’S HAT.
CHECKPOINT 5
BIANCARDI’S
This brightly lit, floor-to-ceiling-tiled market is everything that should stereotypically come to mind when one thinks of a butcher shop. Even the butchers who shout at you angrily from behind the counter seem as if they are hired actors.
As a person with Asian parents, I have had many unnecessary experiences at Chinese meat counters. On Arthur Avenue, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Italian meats are almost as horrifying as Asian ones. Glaring at you from the window is none other than a SKINNED GOAT HEAD propped up next to a sinewy rack of lamb. OH, and what’s that one over there? A SKINNED RABBIT.
The rest of Biancardi’s meats, however, are sexy as hell. The twinkling glass display cases hold large cuts of everything from lamb to pork to beef to veal. Girthy sausages sit next to headless quails and pheasants, as orgasmic slivers of aging proscuitto dangle lovingly above your head. Biancardi’s also makes its own pancetta and guanciale.
BRAIIINS!
CHECKPOINT 6
TEITEL BROTHERS
Walk down Arthur Avenue toward 186th Street.
Cross 186th Street and continue on Arthur Avenue.
Teitel Brothers is one of the Original Gangster businesses of Arthur Avenue, a store so freakin’ old it appears to be collapsing inward. Inside, things dangle from the ceilings above complex pyramids of canned tomatoes and barrels of olive oil. There are blockades of Parmigiano-Reggiano, cheese wheels, and low-hanging dried meats that may or may not scrape the top of your forehead in a sexual manner.
Jacob and Morris Teitel established Teitel Brothers in 1915.
TEITEL
CHEESE HEAVEN
BRONX REFLECTIONS
Being a less-explored borough in the city, the Bronx has changed radically over the past decades as one of the very last boroughs to notably gentrify. Yankee Stadium aside, the Boogie-Down Bronx is filled with many surprises that may or may not include a man who sings “Copacabana” through a portable sound system right into your ear hole.
The brothers were Yiddish-speaking Jewish immigrants from Austria. They moved to Belmont from the Lower East Side, where they learned how to speak Italian before learning how to speak English.
The coolest thing about Teitel Brothers is the tiled Star of David at the foot of the entrance.
ENDPOINT
CASA DELLA MOZZARELLA
Walk on Arthur Avenue toward East 187th Street.
Turn right onto East 187th Street.
As an admitted cheese whore, there is no place I’d rather be than somewhere called the House of Mozzarella. Casa Della Mozzarella is famous for its homemade cheeses, specifically those in the “stretch-curd family,” such as mozzarella and provolone. Casa also makes its own ricotta and sells a variety of smoked meats and Italian groceries including gourmet pasta and olive oil.
I am not ashamed to admit that I purchased a two-pound ball of joy for about $15. I am also not ashamed to admit that when I got home, I held it in my bare hand and ate more than half of it while watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek.
Write Your Own
HISTORY OF
The Bronx
The Bronx was first (verb, past tense) in 1639. It is named after its (adjective) settler, (male name) Bronck. The first neighborhood that was (verb, past tense) is present-day Mott (noun). It became a part of New (noun) City in 1895.
Toward the (ordinal number) century, the (noun, plural) and (noun, plural) that made up most of its landscape transformed into high-rise (noun, plural) and (noun) factories. At the (body part) of the borough is a (adjective) boulevard known (adverb) as the Grand Concourse. The Grand Concourse was modeled after the (noun, plural)-Elysées in Paris.
The (adjective) landmarks of the Bronx include the (noun) Zoo, one of the largest zoos in the entire (place). It is also home to (noun) Stadium and a (adjective) botanical garden with tons and tons of (noun plural) and other kinds of plant life.
A BRIEF GUIDE TO
THE
HOMELESS
THE TRAIN CLEARER
Ever see an extremely packed rush-hour train swoop in, but the one car that stops before you is completely empty? Even if you aren’t from New York, your instincts should kick in. DON’T GET ON IT.
HOMELESS MAN (to a huddled mass of passengers squished together on the opposite side of the train car): YES, I’M POOPING.
THE MULTITASKING HOMELESS
These lovely men and women are really good at simultaneously berating you and asking you for money. They tend to come out of nowhere and catch you by surprise. Below, please find some examples of what they might ask you.
HOMELESS WOMAN: Hey, b*tch, do you think you look good or somethin’? How about a dollar?
HOMELESS MAN: Damn, you look like the Frog Princess! Spare some change, though?
THE TRUSTAFARIAN (Outdoor)
The Trustafarian homeless tend not to communicate verbally. Instead, they get unnecessarily creative and ineffectively postmodern with the cardboard sign making. They all seem as if they became destitute on their way to a Leftover Crack concert, managing to find a pit bull and like-minded romantic partner en route. They are based in Union Square and smoke heavily.
LOOK FOR SHARPIE ON CARDBOARD THAT READS:
Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
THE PROFESSIONAL
These guys are so pro at being homeless that they have graduated from panhandling to just collecting things into a shopping cart and bumbling on by. Items in their carts may or may not include: a broken transistor radio, a broken mini-television, a broken neon sign, a tarp, soiled garments, a beach umbrella, newspapers, cat food, shoes, beef jerky, and inspirational reading. These guys are usually the ones who know every single baseball statistic ever.
THE ACCIDENTAL SINGER
This kind of homeless person is often barefoot and very noticeably homeless. Entrepreneurs and entertainers at heart, however, their misfortunes give way to new opportunities, their panhandling routine enhanced by incoherent mumble-singing. Their bars are not always the best, and you can never really tell if they’re trying to sing “White Christmas,” “Livin’ on a Prayer,” or “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile.” Either way, their effort is sometimes appreciated.
THE ADVENTURE
It takes a hop, skip, and a jump to reach the proverbial nosebleed section of Manhattan, but what you’ll find in the blotch of land just past 155th and Dyckman is pure, unbridled magic.
HISTORY
Washington Heights is so far up Manhattan’s ass that it was actually not included in the map of the borough until 1811.
The neighborhood’s name is derived from Fort Washington, an army base built at the northernmost tip of the island by the Continental Army.
It was here that George Free Ballin’ Washington spent many a day defending our country against the British troops.
In the early nineteenth century, Washington Heights was an extremely upper-class neighborhood.
Washington Heights was a focal point of the Harlem Renaissance.
ADVENTURE BACKGROUND
A LOT IS COVERED ON THIS WONDERFULLY SCENIC TOUR, including the RIDICULOUSLY GOTHIC and OMFG Hispanic Society of America, then on to the oldest residential house in Manhattan (and where George Washington stayed and regally defecated into a chamber pot). From there, we will go check out poop-yourself views of the George Washington Bridge and the beautifully decaying High Bridge (closed off to all traffic since the 1970s).
THESE AREN’T YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S
“RARE HISPANIC PAINTINGS”!
START
Take the 1 train to 157th Street and exit at the intersection of Broadway and 1
57th Street.
Walk south on Broadway to 156th Street.
Turn into Audubon Terrace.
A railroad heir named Archer Huntington commissioned the construction of Audubon Terrace in 1907. He dedicated the complex to John James Audubon, the previous owner of the land. Archer Huntington went pretty ratchet on the space, assembling a number of institutions and buildings that still stand, including the Hispanic Society of America and the American Academy of Arts and Letters.
CHECKPOINT 1
THE HISPANIC SOCIETY OF AMERICA
Before you accuse me of going all soft, let me just agree that nothing screams boner-killer louder than a cultural society. Believe you me, I’ve seen some pretty shitty ones in my day, and when they’re not shitty, they’re the most boring things ever. You know what I mean—the ninety-minute-long slideshows on a prehistoric version of Microsoft PowerPoint that freezes and aborts occasionally, the awkward but well-intentioned speaker with the debilitating stutter and brazen comb-over, feeling like an asshole when you don’t want to eat the strange meat dish served to you by an angry intern flamboyantly dressed as an Ottoman-era Princess Bride, and so on and so forth. While I did genuinely (but not really at all) enjoy the Turkish Cultural Center of Poughkeepsie, the Hispanic Society of America here in Washington Heights is undoubtedly on some other shit.
Basically, Archer Huntington had a passion for Spanish culture and art as well a TON of money. In 1904, the Hispanic Society of America was born as a *free* museum and reference library. The building itself is massive and churchlike, kind of like the location for every scene in Eyes Wide Shut. Its impressive collection includes pieces from El Greco and Francisco de Goya, as well as Sorolla’s Vision of Spain, a massive one-hundred-year-old mural.
WOW SO HISTORICAL
RIGHT NOW.
OLDEST HOUSE IN MANHATTAN
CHECKPOINT 2
MORRIS-JUMEL MANSION
Exit Audubon Terrace at 155th Street.
Walk down 155th Street toward Broadway.
Turn left onto Amsterdam Avenue.
Turn right onto 160th Street.
Find gated entrance on Jumel Terrace.
Wait, where am I?
Is that a lawn?
Is the friendly groundskeeper really wearing overalls?
Are the overalls part of a costume?
Is the groundskeeper actually a trained actor?
Why do I smell cabbage?
Why am I not wearing pants?
It is normal to feel disoriented upon visiting the oldest house in Manhattan, mostly because it is the most random thing ever. Hidden on a sprawling patch of land off West 160th Street, the Morris-Jumel Mansion feels like a scene out of some B-rated movie set in a small southern town that may or may not involve Harry Connick Jr. It is a quaint and picturesque site that is ridiculously and refreshingly out of place.
Long story short, the house was built in 1765 by British colonel Roger Morris. Eleven years later, George Washington used the mansion as his headquarters during the Battle of Harlem Heights. Between 1776 and 1790, the house was occupied off and on by British and Hessian troops. In 1790, George Washington had dinner at the mansion with a long list of trill-ass American heroes like Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton, and John Adams. In 1810, French wine merchant Stephen Jumel and his baby mama Eliza purchased the house, resulting in the name mating.
The house is open Wednesday to Sunday from ten a.m. to four p.m. and costs $5 for adults and $4 for seniors and students. You are free to roam about the house sans awkward tour guide, taking as many flash photographs as your cold little heart desires. For more info, visit the Morris-Jumel Mansion website here: MorrisJumel.org.
NOTE: Please do not poop or urinate into the chamber pots on display.
IF ONLY THE MEN IN THESE STATUES WERE
REAL … AND LIVED IN A ROOM IN MY HOUSE.
CHECKPOINT 3
555 EDGECOMBE AVENUE— THE PAUL ROBESON HOUSE
(NOTE: If you’re not a jazz enthusiast or music buff, you might not give a damn about this next stop.)
Make a left on Jumel Terrace.
Make a left on West 160th Street.
Turn right on Edgecombe Avenue.
At the end of the day, what is a walking tour of Manhattan without gazing woefully into the fancy houses of celebrities? Throughout the years, 555 Edgecombe has seen its share of music legend after music legend. Just a handful of blocks north of the renowned Sugar Hill district of Harlem lies a Gothic, grand-looking apartment building with huge gates and shiny metal poles and arches. Its list of former tenants includes Count Basie, Joe Louis (the boxer), Duke Ellington, Coleman Hawkins, and Lena Horne.
VIEW FROM HIGH BRIDGE
ENDPOINT
CHOOSE YOUR OWN SCENIC ADVENTURE
OPTION 1
HIGHBRIDGE PARK
(for views of the High Bridge)
From 555 Edgecombe Avenue, walk to Amsterdam Avenue and 158th Street.
Take the M101 bus toward Fort George/193rd Street.
Get off at the Highbridge Park stop.
Highbridge Park is also accessible from the 168th Street A/C Subway Station
Walk east on 168th Street toward Amsterdam Avenue.
Turn left onto Amsterdam Avenue.
Enter Highbridge Park and walk toward the water.
Highbridge was once a lively thoroughfare for bougie, parasol-toting Manhattanites. In poofy-assed dresses, these fancy folk would promenade leisurely back and forth from the Bronx to Washington Heights, fanning themselves and trying not to catch typhoid fever. Now a brown and rusty mess of tangled steel, the High Bridge is basically a Roman aqueduct that, like many other things on this tour, is ridiculously old. In fact, it is the oldest surviving bridge in all of New York City. It’s been sealed off to the public since the 1970s.
OPTION 2
J. HOOD WRIGHT PARK
(for views of the George Washington Bridge)
From 555 Edgecombe Avenue:
Walk up Edgecombe Avenue toward West 160th Street to West 162nd Street.
Make a left onto West 162nd Street.
Continue onto Saint Nicholas Avenue, which turns into Broadway.
Turn left on West 173rd Street.
The park is also accessible from 175th Street A Station.
Walk south on Fort Washington Avenue toward West 174th Street.
Turn right on West 174th Street.
Moving forward with the hard-core bridge porn, this park sits all the way on the west side of the borough with ridiculous views of the George Washington Bridge. Follow the path at the foot of the park toward the water and queef with exhilaration at the most LEGIT view of that goddamn bridge ever. If you’re at the right spot, see and touch the steel sample of the bridge’s material on display.
GW BRIDGE
LET ME PONDER MY LIFE AND CHOICES WHILST I GAZE OUT AT THE BRIDGE,
AS A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN MY FACE.
Write Your Own
LETTER TO
Mother
Dear Mom,
I had a very (adjective) trip to New York City! With my new (clothing article) on, me and my friend (person’s name) rode a (mode of transport) all the way to (an NYC borough). First, we stopped off for (type of food) and (type of food) and got a little bit tipsy off (inebriating substance) at (restaurant name). Everyone there was really (adjective)! We met a few (type of doctor, plural) on their break from work and started a (adjective) conversation about (type of animal or plant) and their freaky mating habits. I met one (adjective) man/woman named (name). Ma, I have never met someone with such (adjective) (body part, plural)! He/she was also a (member of a spiritual or religious group)! Did you know that they don’t (verb) any (noun, plural) on Thursdays? Crazy, right?
But then, the tricky part was riding the subway. I (verb, past tense) all over this (adjective) man next to me. :( He called me a (adjective) (expletive) before (-ing verb) off at Rockefeller Center. We then visited (place in NYC), a very famous NYC landmark.
That’s when things got a little (adjective). I had a (noun) fall and land right on my (body part). That’s when a man/woman who looked like (cartoon character) on (type of drug) nearby called a (mode of transport), and I was taken to the hospital. When I got to the hospital, it took me a few hours to realize that I was actually in someone’s (type of motor vehicle) on the side of the (body of water in NYC). Whoops! But other than that, I’m okay, Mom, please don’t worry about me. Promise I’ll be home right before my (ordinal number below eighteen) birthday next week.
Love ya,
THE TEN MOST
OBNOXIOUS
OCCURRENCES
ON THE SUBWAY
THE POLE DANCE
This happens on a crowded pole where a disgusting alien hand shimmies on south for the most unwanted and irritating kind of subway contact. EVER. The normal way of addressing this is to continue moving even farther south IMMEDIATELY, while shuffling a bit to illustrate acknowledgment and rejection of contact. Sometimes it is never solved in cases involving the elderly, the sleepy, or the assholes who genuinely don’t realize what’s going on.
THE SEE-SAW SLEEPER