by Nora Lum
WENDELL THE GARBAGEMAN
Imagine if a deranged clown mated with Jackson Pollock and Basquiat. Wendell the Garbageman is kind of like if a crazy rainbow threw up on Shel Silverstein. He is the embodiment of every Chaka Khan song ever made.
THE ADVENTURE
Being a tourist in a touristy city like New York is difficult, especially if your aim is to stray off the beaten path and do something truly unique. But what if the scenario was flipped? What if you brought a little something of your own right back onto that beaten path—like blood, sweat, and adrenaline?
HISTORY
Central Park sees an estimated twenty-five million visitors annually.
Real sheep used to live in the Sheep Meadow because they added a romantic feel to the park.
The large rock mounds that make up most of the park are Manhattan schist. They are a part of its natural landscape.
Central Park has its own breed of floral arrangements featured in large pots all throughout.
The tiny foliage-caked islands found in the middle of the Lake are man-made shelters for ducks and turtles.
ADVENTURE BACKGROUND AND RULES OF THE GAME
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME you were dared to do something “crazy”? More specifically, when was the last time you were dared to molest a bronze statue of Hans Christian Andersen?
Today, we will be voyaging back onto that beaten path via Seventy-second Street through Central Park, one of the most famous (and touristy) destinations of New York City, but with a twist. At each checkpoint, you will be asked to complete one of three dares. The dares will involve embarrassing photography, some degree of social interaction, and some degree of social humiliation. Each dare differs in intensity and has been assigned a corresponding number of points. Whoever finishes with the most points wins.
* And remember, do all dares at your own risk and try not to scare or be inappropriate in front of small children.
START
Take the 6 train to Sixty-eighth Street—Hunter College.
Exit at the northwest side of Lexington Avenue.
Walk uptown on Lexington Avenue to Seventy-second Street.
Turn left onto Seventy-second Street.
Pass Park Avenue and Madison Avenue.
End at Seventy-second Street and Fifth Avenue.
DARE 1
BOAT CHALLENGE
Enter the park via Terrace Drive.
Make a right at the first path you see and walk toward body of water.
Dare (1 point): Stick any part of your body into the water. NOT YOUR HANDS. BARE SKIN ONLY.
Double Dare (5 points): Stand by a “sailor” and blow aggressively out of your mouth toward his boat. Make it seem like you’re “helping” him or her.
Double Dog Dare (10 points): Approach one of the “sailors” standing at the rim of the lake. Open a conversation with any of these lines:
• “Sail here often?”
• “What kind of knotage we doing here?”
• “I just built me a Newport sloop, but it hospitalized a bunch of raccoons.”
DARE 2
HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN STATUE
Walk the perimeter of the model-boat pond to the second path on your left.
Make a left to see giant freakish statue of Hans Christian Andersen reading to a duck.
In one of the most thrilling heists this city has ever seen, the little bronze duck was actually stolen from the statue in 1973. A citywide manhunt ensued until the police received a call about suspicious activity around the old Shea Stadium. The stolen duck was found in a paper bag in a nearby Dumpster, proving to be “too hot” of an item for the criminals to want to deal with.
Dare (1 point): Pose for a photo riding the duck. There MUST be butt-to-duck contact. Hovering awkwardly over the duck does not count.
Double Dare (5 points): Pose with Hans in an incredibly sexually suggestive manner, OR one of three options below. Simply sitting on his lap does not count. BE CREATIVE.
• Reverse Cowgirl
• Rusty Trombone
• Dirty Sanchez
Double Dog Dare (10 points): Recite the Ugly Duckling passage inscribed on the stone book by his feet LOUDLY in one of the below accents. To earn full credit, one must project his or her voice so it echoes slightly.
• Pig Latin
• Cockney
• Jamaican
BONUS TRIPLE DOG DARE (30 points): Lick his face.
BUILT BY THE DUDE THAT CREATED MT. RUSHMORE
DARE 3
CENTRAL PARK,
THE ALICE IN WONDERLAND STATUE
Walk back to the path that spans the perimeter of Conservatory Water.
Turn left.
Dare (1 point): Sit on the Mad Hatter’s shoulders.
Double Dare (5 points): Climb to the top of the statue and HOLD any one of the below positions for ONE FULL MINUTE:
• The Tim Tebow (kneel on one knee, resting your elbow on that knee with your fist clenched and your head bowed down to it)
• The Captain Morgan Stance (with an invisible leg prop)
• Plank
Double Dog Dare (10 points): Sit beneath the mushrooms and engage in a conversation about the first time you remember feeling embarrassed as a child. Carry on this conversation for at least forty-five seconds, supplying the voices for each character in the statue as if they were responding.
RAP SQUAT ALICE
BETHESDA TERRACE
DARE 4
CENTRAL PARK,
BETHESDA TERRACE
Walk west toward East Drive.
Turn left.
Angels in America aside, the Bethesda Fountain is one of the most prominent features of Central Park. It is one of the largest fountains in New York and displays an eight-foot-tall angel (that freakily turns into Emma Thompson in the aforementioned cinematic remake) above four porky angel babies that symbolize health, purity, temperance, and peace.
Very cool, guys. Very cool.
Dare (1 point): Take a photo in front of the fountain with both middle fingers out in the air. As the picture is taken, replace the customary cry of “cheese” with “YEEEAAAAH, BOOOYYY” at maximum volume.
Double Dare (5 points): Traverse the rim of the fountain TWO TIMES doing one of the following:
• Galloping
• Skipping
• Hopping
Double Dog Dare (20 points): Enter the underground level of Bethesda Terrace and sing one of the below songs. If you do not know the lyrics to any of them, you may sing an alternate FULL song of your choice:
• “Don’t Stop Believin’ ”
• “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
• “Baby Got Back”
DARE 5
CENTRAL PARK,
THE FALCONER
Return to Terrace Drive.
Walk thirty feet toward West Drive.
The Falconer has not had an easy life in the park. In 1937, the statue was very close to toppling over. Twenty years later, the falcon became a little loose and had to be reattached. Into the 1970s, the statue was the victim of multiple vandalism incidents so severe that it was locked up in storage. It was mounted again in 1982 with a fancy new arm.
Dare (1 point): Climb the rock and take a rap-stance photo next to the statue.
Double Dare (10 points): Stand in the middle of the jogging (not driving) lane and take photos of the statue while forcing all the joggers to run around you.
Double Dog Dare (20 points): Ask a jogger to photograph you doing a rap stance next to The Falconer.
GRAY’S PAPAYA DETOUR
Gray’s Papaya is the addiction you’ve never had. If Gray’s Papaya were a person, he would be tied to a chair in your basement.
It’s still a cash-only business. Paper fruit decorations hang lovingly off the ceiling behind giant metal canisters of its specialty, heavily sugared drinks. Among these are nonalcoholic coconut champagne, piña colada, and its name-source papaya drink. The “recession special” includes a dri
nk and two hot dogs for under $5.
FINAL DESTINATION DARE
CENTRAL PARK,
STRAWBERRY FIELDS
Turn right toward Terrace Drive.
Turn left onto Terrace Drive.
Turn right at the intersection of Terrace Drive and West Drive.
Turn left on the first path you see.
Strawberry Fields is named after the Beatles song and is a memorial of sorts to John Lennon. It was designated for construction just four months after he was assassinated in 1980. In 1984, Yoko Ono funded an expansion of the land, leading to the construction of the present-day Garden of Peace and Imagine monument.
Strawberry Fields has evolved over the years to a place that seems awesome in theory, but in reality is incredibly congested and über-touristy. On a typical weekend afternoon, middle-aged men show up with their guitars at the same time and fight over who should cover “Help!” first. Overpriced art peddlers arrive with mass-produced photos of John Lennon and tacky inspirational posters that overuse the words imagine, love, and peace.
Dare (1 point): Lie down on the Imagine circle and take five to ten selfies.
Double Dare (10 points): Ask a bystander where the “strawberries” are. (BONUS +1 POINT: ASK IN A FOREIGN ACCENT.)
Double Dog Dare (20 points): Sing the first couple of lines to any Beatles song you know a cappella style.
THE DAKOTA DETOUR
The Dakota is a towering, Gothic-style apartment building that was constructed between 1880 and 1884. It is best known as the former residence of John Lennon, as well as the site of his assassination in 1980.
Before that, the Dakota was the residence of the fictional character Rosemary Woodhouse in Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby.
THE TEN MOST
PLEASUREFUL
PUBLIC
RESTROOMS IN
MANHATTAN
Having to violently pee or poop while taking a lovely spring stroll down Fifth Avenue is never an ideal situation. If you aren’t already packing an adult diaper in anticipation of such an event, you will most likely find yourself squatting over a flimsy toilet paper raft in some sheisty public restroom that smells like Michael Bolton after a loooong concert.
So before you hide behind two parked cars while your friend acts as a lookout, check out this handy list of public restrooms that are A PLEASURE to employ.
BRYANT PARK
(Forty-second Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues)
This bathroom is in the middle of a busy tourist area in midtown, an avenue east of Times Square and a few blocks south of Rockefeller Center, and almost always has an attendant. Bryant Park is also a popular locale for outdoor lunch-break eating. The facilities are a perfect go-to when that Chipotle bowl is talking back.
POLICE STATIONS
Who knew you could empty your bladder at a precinct? Since the buildings are owned by the city, they will generally allow you to poop or pee at your convenience. Let’s just say the force would prefer you to use a precinct’s facilities, not get arrested for making one out of the children’s section of the nearby H&M.
MARRIOTT MARQUIS IN TIMES SQUARE
(1535 Broadway; enter on Forty-sixth Street between Seventh and Eighth Avenues)
Doing-the-do at one of the largest hotels in the city is a thrilling experience. Take the glass elevators up to the lobby on the eighth floor to defecate in luxury and style.
BLOOMINGDALE’S
(1000 Third Avenue; enter on East Fifty-ninth Street between Lexington and Third Avenues)
If I’m not shopping at the famous Bloomingdale’s flagship store on Fifty-ninth and Third, I’m probably peeing near women’s outerwear on the eighth floor.
NEW YORK CITY SUPREME COURT
(60 Centre Street, off of Worth Street)
If pooping at a police precinct wasn’t mind-blowing enough for you, did you know that you could do the same dirty deed(s) at courthouses?!
BARNES & NOBLE, TRIBECA LOCATION
(97 Warren Street, in between Greenwich Street and West Street)
Barnes & Noble is disappearing faster than the peep shows of the Giuliani era, so lord knows how long this location will be open. If you catch it before it turns into a Dress Barn, please make sure you poop in it.
GRAND CENTRAL STATION
(89 East Forty-second Street, off of Park Avenue)
These bathrooms are satisfactorily clean and are located downstairs near the food court, presciently by the Indian food kiosk.
THE APPLE STORE
(767 Fifth Avenue, at East Fifty-ninth Street)
The best part about taking care of business at the Fifth Avenue Apple Store is that it’s open twenty-four hours a day.
STARBUCKS
(2252 Broadway, at West Eighty-first Street)
The frequency of public biological functioning in urban areas like New York City is almost always dependent on how far away you are from a Starbucks
THE SHOPS AT COLUMBUS CIRCLE
(10 Columbus Circle, Broadway between Fifty-ninth and Sixtieth Streets)
Nothing beats you-know-whatting at the headquarters of a giant corporate empire. The Shops at Columbus Circle is a large mall featuring stores like Williams-Sonoma and the Art of Shaving. It also features other businesses, like Whole Foods and Jamba Juice, that serve things like wheat germ and fiber-rich smoothies. The facilities are large, beautiful, and echoey, like a stylish church from the future. It is open to the public right off the large Fifty-ninth Street—Columbus Circle subway station.
THE ADVENTURE
A walk through the multicultural, rogue-pigeon land of Corona, Queens, where Louis Armstrong spent the last three decades of his life. Highlights include being reminded that you still love Jason Rodriguez and obviously have not moved on.
HISTORY
Corona has seen its community change from Italian, Irish, and African-American …
… to Dominican, Colombian, Bolivian, Salvadorian, Guatemalen, Peruvian …
… Chilean, Mexican, Filipino, Korean, and Chinese.
In 1943, Lucille Armstrong purchased a two-family row house off of 107th Street behind her husband Louis’s back.
Lucille and Louis lived in their house in Corona for 30 years, until his death.
ADVENTURE BACKGROUND
MAYBE I PICKED THIS TOUR BECAUSE OF its ethnically diverse atmosphere, its delectable cuisine, and an undying love of Louis Armstrong’s music, or maybe I picked this tour to inadvertently stalk Jason Rodriguez (who lived right off 108th), my seventh-grade sweetheart who used to share those large, individually packed Sour Patch Kids by decapitating them and giving me the body (he called the body “the best part” [SWOON]) while calling me “Chinita” (lovingly) before ABRUPTLY leaving me WITHOUT ANY IDENTIFIABLE CAUSE for TWO-TIMING HUSSY and MOTHBALL-SCENTED Grace Wang by the end of the year in a heady, Axe-filled fog. Jason, I am now an INDEPENDENT WOMAN and have SINCE moved WAY ON into the SUNSET that is my DESTINY without YOU. You may have stolen my heart and mailed it two-day express far across the sea to a land of futility and broken dreams, but you have NOT killed my SPIRIT. I am obviously not scarred by my past experiences with you and obviously can’t remember the smell of the Winterfresh on your breath, or your aspirations to be the next George Lopez, or the way you let those sparsely grown hairs on your chin grow out because it was nature’s way of telling you that you were becoming like your father. Jason, I really have moved on.
START
Take the 7 train to the 103 Street—Corona Plaza stop.
Walk to the exit on the north side of Roosevelt Avenue.
Take the stairs on your left.
Make a left onto 103rd Street.
Walk two blocks to 37th Avenue and make a right.
Walk four blocks to 107th Street and make a left.
Walk half a block down 107th Street.
Yes, I know there were a lot of small dog feces and pigeons WITH NO SHAME on your walk over. You might have caught an unrelenting and ear-splintering blast of
salsa from a twelve-inch-rimmed and tropically scented Ford Expedition. Jason, I still love you.
CHECKPOINT 1
THE LOUIS ARMSTRONG HOUSE MUSEUM
I’m no show-off, but I know a damn good house museum tour when I see one. Among the many (genuinely interesting) factoids I learned on the tour of the Louis Armstrong House Museum is that back in 1943, Louis Armstrong’s annual income exceeded $500,000. I’m no mathematician, but $500,000 would translate to roughly a shajillion dollars in today’s economy. Entering Louis Armstrong’s place (in Corona fucking Queens), a literal humble abode for the legend that it housed, was like entering a time-warped episode of some celebreality show called Pimp My Queens House. Frozen in time, every single item in the house was left in original condition. Items on display include a trumpet that was given to Louis by the king of England and a painted portrait by Tony Bennett. Everything from the boss-ass air conditioner to his wife Lucille’s Bible and house slippers stands exactly where it’s always stood. Staring at her decked-out sea-blue kitchenry, there was something incredibly bittersweet and freaky about being in the house.