But then I searched frantically for the phone from Silas. He’s the one I wanted. He’s the one I could turn to. It was back at the dorm, which felt like a million miles away.
“Honey, you okay?” The elderly woman in blue who seemed to always be working here was standing over me looking concerned. I’m okay. Something occurred to me then, looking at the older person with kind eyes and star-bright hair. “Do you happen to know an EMT named Silas?” I whispered the question, hopeful but hesitant.
“Only one Silas in town,” the woman smiled. “Tall, handsome, and always brooding.”
“I need him,” I whispered again, feeling lost and silly and absolutely bizarre for asking some random woman to find some random guy for me.”
She quirked an eyebrow, then nodded slowly. “Okay, then. Let me see what I can do.” She walked away from me and I felt like I sat there a week before she finally returned. “I called the hospital, he wasn’t there but his partner was. Tanner’s a good egg too. He said he’d come over as soon as he could, and he’d make sure you got to Silas.”
“Thank you,” I sighed, tilting my head against the wall and closing my eyes. “I must seem really odd to you.”
At that, she chuckled. “I work in the post office of a fairly small town. I know more secrets than a Catholic priest who’s been taking confession for fifty years. You aren’t odd, honey child. You’re human. Human and,” she paused and I looked up at her, “pregnant I’m guessing.”
I swallowed hard, opened my eyes, studied her, and then just didn’t see the sense in lying anymore. I was a pregnant college student. Pregnant by an abusive stepdad. And he was coming for me. The danger wasn’t over. I don’t know how I ever thought I’d get away cleanly. He was always going to come for me. I recognized that fact now. Believing in the hope that I could be truly free? That had been the biggest mistake of my life.
“Let me get you some water,” the woman said as she walked away. “A cool glass of water always helps.”
No. It doesn’t.
“ANNA?” A VOICE THAT wasn’t the kind postal worker’s or Silas’s woke me up. I’d fallen asleep leaned against the hard metal post boxes behind me. My head ached from pressing into one of the keyholes. Blinking, I found a face I recognized, though didn’t know well. “Do you remember me? I’m—”
“Tanner, Silas’s partner,” I said groggily, trying to stand up. As I did, the letter I’d been clutching before falling asleep slid off my lap with a soft swish.
He nodded, helped me stand, and then picked up the letter. I was still half-awake, or I would have taken it from him quickly. I wasn’t fast enough though. I could see the way his jovial expression faded. I could see the tightness form around his eyes. I could see his skin go slightly paler. Each word was a lead weight in my chest. I’d read them over and over again. And I was still so scared. My fingers flexed, wanting the letter back, but then I let them go dead, the way the rest of me felt. He bent down and picked up the school paperwork and the taped-up envelope. He shuffled it all together. I couldn’t say a single word. My tongue was numb in my mouth.
“I’ll take you to Silas.” He closed his mouth, then reopened it. “If that’s what you want.” A hesitation again. “Is that what you want?”
“Yes,” I said meekly, feeling like a deflated balloon. No. Not deflated. Absolutely crushed. Like a granola bar beneath a two-ton boulder. I was in bits and pieces, brittle and broken and tasting like the awful sins done against me in the past. Tasting like forced sex. Like body odor.
He was coming to get me. And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing.
In a daze, I let Tanner take me by the elbow and steer me towards the post office exit. The kind woman waved goodbye and said something, but I didn’t hear her. I barely saw her. I couldn’t really see anything through the haze of emotion that was a blanket of full-body clouds.
For the second time since moving across country, I let a guy help me into a vehicle and let him drive me to a strange location. Then it was a hospital, now Silas’s house. I guessed his house? We weren’t driving towards the hospital, that much I recognized. “Where are we going?” I mumbled out.
“Silas’s place,” Tanner confirmed. He looked over at me. “Are you feeling okay?”
“A little nauseous. I won’t throw up in your car. I promise.”
“I don’t care about that,” he said, but also handed me a plastic grocery bag that had been stuffed between his seat and the middle console of his vehicle. “This thing has been in the shop a dozen times this year. A little throw up would probably be a nice decoration.” He forced a chuckle. I just leaned my head back against the car seat and barely forced a weak smile.
I must have fallen asleep.
I saw stars, but it was the middle of the day.
I must have fallen asleep.
Because next thing I knew, the car door was opening and I was lifted into someone’s arms. Despite my fogginess, I knew it wasn’t Tanner. Tall, lithe, sinewy muscles beneath the white undershirt. Flashes of dark hair when I squinted against the sunshine behind him, which caused a halo of light around his head and threw his features into shadowed ridges and dips.
“Silas,” I breathed out quietly, “sorry to bother you.”
His lips were next to my ear. “You’re never a damn bother, Anna. You never fucking could be.” His breath was warm against my skin. It made me tingle all over, and drive away just a little bit of the darkness that was eating me up inside.
So much pain.
All the bad memories.
“What if you get pregnant?”
“I don’t fucking care.”
“I told you to stop holding some possible pregnancy against me. You’re a whore. I know you like it. If that happens, it’ll be your goddamn fault. But I’ll have to pay for it I bet. No crackpot doctor with a wire hanger. You might die. I couldn’t do that to your damn mother.”
“One more time. That’s it. I know you don’t want this to stop.”
“Just one more time.”
“You’re such a fucking tease.”
Silas.
Her eyes opened once or twice, but barely. I walked her into the house, careful to tuck her head against my body as I pushed through each doorway towards the guest room. It wasn’t much—a full sized bed, decent mattress, but expensive bedding courtesy of my mom who’d stayed with me the first time and made it exactly one night sleeping on the cheap sheets I’d purchased. Bachelor pad comfort, she’d called it and raced right out to her favorite department store for a comforter set and curtains that cost her almost two hundred dollars.
I think she did it, because I don’t let her take care of me anymore. Even when I was a kid, I grew out of the ‘motherly care’ stage pretty fast.
Tanner was close behind me. He pulled back the covers so I could place Anna on the fitted sheet. I slipped off her shoes, feeling awkward even undressing her that much. I wanted to put her in my room, where it was infinitely more comfortable. Yet I knew putting her in my bed would be wrong. She wouldn’t like that. It would feel... maybe like an invasion.
I pulled the loose sheet and cream embroidered comforter over her body, thinking about mom’s saying that ‘white linens were the gold standard in guest rooms’. Anna looked like an angel surrounded by paleness. All she needed was wings.
Tanner left the room before me, but I didn’t linger long. I could have looked at her for hours, but I needed to know what was going on. Why, after weeks of silence and the cold shoulder, was Anna in my house?
“What’s going on?” I ask Tanner point-blank. He’s sitting on my sofa holding his phone, texting Laurie I’d guess.
“Diane from the post office called. She was looking for you originally, but got me instead. She said Anna was there with her and looking really shaken. So I went and got her.” Tanner stopped talking, set the cell phone down, and pulled an envelope out of his pocket. It was odd-looking. White and black and red.
“What’s that?” I went over and
sat next to him, reaching for what he offered.
“Just read it, Silas.”
I’d never heard Tanner’s voice so serious, even when I’d teased him mercilessly about Laurie. I slid out the single piece of folded paper inside the envelope. I opened it, and was immediately struck by the obviously-angry penmanship. All capitals. Scrawled. Messy, yet controlled. Each word filled me with rage.
ANNA
DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD LEAVE? SELFISH STUPID BITCH. YOUR MOTHER’S BEEN ON MY ASS NONSTOP TO FIND YOU. FUCKING BLAMES ME. BLAMES ME! BEING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GODDAMN COUNTRY CAN’T SAVE YOU. PARENT WEEKEND? GOT THE FUCKING INVITE FROM YOUR SCHOOL. I’LL BE THERE. YOUR MOTHER WON’T. AND I’M FUCKING BRINGING YOU BACK HOME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.
We both sat in silence for a while, not knowing what to say.
No, that was wrong. I knew exactly what I wanted to say and do to the man who’d written this letter to Anna.
I also knew who it must be from, despite the lack of signature or return address.
Anna’s stepfather.
“Silas, who wrote that letter to her?” Tanner waited a long time to ask me, respecting my need to process.
“Her stepdad,” I said with a shaking voice.
Tanner whistled, low and surprised. “Shit, man.”
“Yeah.” I felt so angry, angrier than I’d ever been. I’d railed against God in my time. I’d screamed at the heavens. I’d beaten my fist against walls. “That’s not the fucking worst of it.” I said the words without thinking, without considering the fact that it wasn’t my secret to share.
“How the hell can it get worse than that?” Tanner reached over and tapped the letter with his index finger.
I looked at him dead square in the eyes. “She’s pregnant. Pregnant because of him.” I couldn’t believe how flat my voice sounded. How lifeless.
“Christ Almighty.” Tanner leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands in his hair. “She needs help, Silas. Police help. Therapy help. God, she needs to see a doctor. Has she seen a doctor?”
“I took her to the hospital, remember?”
“Right, yeah. I was there. But, Silas, I mean an OB. You know what I mean. And she’s keeping it?” Tanner was beginning to ramble, something he didn’t do very often, only when he was feeling supremely overwhelmed. The damn guy held it completely together during my detox. He’d seen me at my worst, and never been ‘overwhelmed’. That put the situation in perspective.
“I’m helping her.” I stood up, tossing the letter onto the coffee table. “I’m not going to let him fucking touch her.”
“He’s her stepdad, Silas. He has access to her, even if she’s aged out. The school sent him and her mother an invite to the college. She needs a restraining order. She needs real protection.”
I growled. “I know. You don’t think I know that, Tanner? Two weeks I’ve been going damn crazy waiting for her to call or text. Now she’s in my house facing a world of goddamn pain.”
Tanner leaned back on the sofa and sighed. “I know you don’t want to hear this, Silas, but you barely even know—”
“Yes, I barely even know her. And that doesn’t matter one fucking bit. I’ve never told you this. I’ve never told anyone this. I’ve been in love exactly twice in my life. Asher died. Anna’s here. I’m not going to get a third time in this life. There’s no damn way I get any more chances. I’m not good enough for that. I’m never going to be good enough for that. Hell, I’m not good enough now.”
“Silas, you’re a great person. Stop talking shit about yourself.” Tanner got off the couch and started walking towards me. I wasn’t far away, though I’d worked my way to the kitchen and leaned against the small island. “You’re too hard on your—”
“I’m not too hard on myself, Tanner. You’re too easy on me. Since the day we met, I’ve been a project to you. Get me sober. Get me healthy. I owe you my life, man. But stop treating me like I’m a fundamentally good person. I’ve got news for you—I’m not.” I put my hand up so he’d stop walking, and I worked my way around the counter into the actual kitchen. I needed the separation. I needed to not be close to anyone.
“Fine. I’ll stop treating you like you’re a good person, and you stop interrupting me. That’s twice, man.” He smiled, obviously trying to soften the mood.
“What do I do?” I asked, covering my face with my right hand and taking a deep, shuddering breath. “What the hell do I do, man?”
“You maybe talk to me about what I want?” A timid voice broke into my torment. And that sound reminded me that I didn’t deserve to be so utterly trashed over the situation. It wasn’t happening to me, not really. It was happening to her. To Anna. And she deserved to be part of whatever plan was being formed to protect her.
I moved fast around the counter, nearly knocking into Tanner who side-stepped me. “I’m sorry, Anna. I’m sorry if we woke you. And I’m sorry, I’m so damn sorry, that he found you.”
“Thinking about it,” she said quietly and moved towards the sofa, “I shouldn’t be surprised. I was never going to make a clean break, Silas. This was always going to happen. If it wasn’t now, it would have been later. He’s... a persistent, awful person.” Sitting down now, her legs tucked beneath her, she looked so small.
“You and the baby need to be protected,” Tanner spoke now, coming forward with his hands up in a slight pleading motion.
Anna’s mouth fell open into a small ‘o’ of surprise. “You told him?”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” Tanner dropped his hands and walked back a step.
“Anna, it just came out. I didn’t mean to... to take away your choice to tell someone. That wasn’t my intention. I was just so angry.”
“You’re angry?” She questioned back at me. “Silas, you feel something for me. And I...” she bit her lower lip in that way that drove me crazy, “I feel something for you too. This isn’t happening to you though. This isn’t your problem. It’s not your war to fight.”
I moved over to her and sat down. I reached for her, stopped midway, then reached further when she didn’t wince away from me. I put my hand on her forearm. I touched gently, no pressure. “I want this fight, Anna. I choose this fight. I choose you, and any baggage that comes with that.”
“The baby isn’t baggage,” she bit out quickly, her voice sounding stronger than it had since she’d appeared in the living room.
“That’s not what I meant.” I corrected quickly. “But this?” Leaning forward, I grabbed the letter with my free hand and I held it up in the air. Two fingers. I didn’t want to touch more of it. I didn’t want to read the words again. I didn’t want her to read the words again. “This is the fight. And he’s never going to fucking touch you again. Ever.”
“You don’t know him.” She whispered desperately, all strength gone. Her blonde hair was loose, falling about her shoulders. She pushed the right side back behind her ear with a shaking hand. “Even that tape is a reminder. When he... when I was being too loud.” She covered her mouth with her fingers, tears spilling out now and running hot, hellish tracks down her cheeks.
“Anna,” Tanner had come back into the fold again. “We’re going to help you. Not just Tanner. But me too. We won’t leave you alone. You won’t be vulnerable. Parent Weekend is this weekend, right?”
She nodded slowly.
“So you won’t be alone. Not for a minute. If Silas and I can’t be there, my girlfriend Laurie will help. You’ll like her.”
“I don’t want to be a burden.” Chewing on her lower lip now, her face pale. “I won’t be a burden.” She said with more force.
“Anna, you don’t know half of the shit in my past. You don’t know any of the baggage I’m carrying. You’re never going to be a burden.” I took my hand off her forearm, dropped the letter back on the table, and then I wrapped my arms around her. Again, no pressure, no show of force. I pushed every ounce of gentleness into my embrace. A circle of comfort, that asked for nothing in return.
She
was stiff for a minute and I decided to let her go, that touching her wasn’t helping. Maybe that was the last thing she needed. I was different after Asher died. I hungered for touch. I needed the skin-to-skin relief of another human being.
Skin hunger. I’d heard that term around the hospital talking about orphaned babies and kids in the neonatal unit that didn’t get enough attention. We’re all that way. We’re fucking infants in the world needing, desperately, the touch of human kindness. The sound of a heart beating in someone’s chest.
As I pulled away, she rushed forward, her arms going around me like a child finding a parent after being lost in a department store. “Don’t let go,” she mumbled against my chest. “Please, don’t let go.”
Hungry
Wind blowing little particles of life
Seeds and pollen past windows dark
Break-ups and make-ups
All the colors in between
I never knew what I was missing, until the empty field screamed
For something more
Hungry
I never knew how goddamn empty, until she filled me up
Her pain met mine, a step towards the divine
The ache grows heavier by the second, the minute, the hour
Until my insides start to sour
Hungry
A new tree is growing where the busted one once grew
It can’t erase the scar tissue
Yet I’m breathing like I’m new
Newer than the children, crying their first cries
Newer than the galaxies, where a million stars reside
Hungry for her skin
For the world she’s living in
I’ll take the ugly with the lovely
Because I’m so damn hungry
Anna was asleep again, this time stretched across the sofa and covered with a navy blue blanket with an embarrassing number of holes.
“I still think you should take her to the cops. They’re good folks. They’ll do everything they can to help her.”
The Beat Around Us (The Heartbeat Series, #2) Page 8