Mulrox nodded. He did not intend to let her or Geraldine continue on the run with him and the malcognitos, but he needed to approach the subject delicately––they both tended to dig their heels in when challenged. But if he could convince Yahgurkin to go back to Ulgorprog, then maybe he could convince Geraldine to go with her. Whatever was to come, he didn’t want Geraldine mixed up in it. Not to mention they only had a small margin of error if he was going to get back in time for the Behemoth; they couldn’t waste time traipsing around the Woods Mercurial searching for Groxor of all people.
It took only a few minutes to pack up their supplies. Yahgurkin handed him both the tarp and a few nublers to add to his own pack. Yahgurkin led the way out of the hideout and onto the main trail.
They made it back in surprisingly little time. The footpath up to his house was so well concealed that he doubted he would have spotted it if Yahgurkin hadn’t been there with him.
“So,” Yahgurkin said, looking at the ground. “We know he was here. Now we have to find where he went next.”
She put her hands on her hips and started to pace in slow circles as she inspected the ground. Geraldine hopped after her.
“Listen, Yahgurkin,” Mulrox started. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Yes?” she said, not bothering to look up.
“If the sheep are busy chasing some of us, then that probably means that it’s safe for the rest of us to return to Ulgorprog.”
“You want to go back home?” she asked.
“Of course I do, but I was thinking you and Geraldine could go home.”
“Oh, no thank you. This is the most exciting thing to happen to me in years!”
“You didn’t see them knock out Oogin and Broxli, or destroy that tree, or kick in my door.” Mulrox thought of Great-Aunt Griselda. He swallowed. She was probably fine.
“I can’t believe I missed that!”
“Yahgurkin! I’m going back to look. If your house is clear, you and Geraldine are going home.”
Mulrox turned and huffed up the hill. He shoved the branches aside, following his own tracks from the night before. He stopped as he reached the border of the woods and peered through the trees.
His heart sank. Sheep covered the hillside like a coat of fresh snow. Through the broken windows of his hut, he could see sheep wandering from one room to the next. A handful of the animals had even spread out along his roof.
Mulrox swallowed. Surely they had left Yahgurkin’s hut alone.
The sheep formed a ring several animals deep around the garden hedge. They bleated and nibbled at the blackberries. A few sheep had ventured through the hedge opening but were now spinning angry circles as burrs clung to their coats and sword blades nicked their legs. Mulrox watched as down at the far end of the garden, several sheep fell prey to the same spiky seedpods that had afflicted him two nights ago.
“Not good,” Yvwi said. “Looks like you’ll have to cancel your return ticket.”
Mulrox heard giggling and turned to see Yahgurkin standing next to him. He hadn’t heard her following him. He looked at her, appalled.
“I guess you’re stuck with me,” she said. “And before you say anything, we are going after Groxor.”
“Do you see this?” he asked, waving at the plague of sheep. “We have to go to the portal before things get worse.”
A low growl rose beside him. Mulrox looked down in time to see Geraldine preparing to leap at the nearest sheep, her eyes flashing with anger.
“Oh no, you don’t!” Yahgurkin said as she snatched Geraldine from the forest floor. “No one wants to see a trampled toad.” She turned back to Mulrox. “We take care of our friends first. We can deal with the enemies later.”
Mulrox would not have sorted Groxor into the friend category. He looked to Yvwi for support, but the malcognito shrugged. “Let’s find the green one, then we’ll go to the portal,” Yvwi said. “It can’t hurt.”
Mulrox pulled at his ear in frustration. “Can’t hurt? You’ve got the Vaccus, a grinder, and a herd of angry sheep after you, and you want to look for Groxor.”
“You did promise,” Yvwi said.
“We don’t have time for this!” Mulrox said.
“Sure we do. Yahgurkin says we should find him, no problem. Plus, we’re dying to see Groxor again. I think we’re really growing on him,” Yvwi said.
“Come on.” Yahgurkin turned back down the trail, the cloud of malcognitos following her. Yvwi was the last to go. He was floating in front of Mulrox, changing from a sunflower to a brick wall to a fork. Mulrox thought about snatching him, forcing Yvwi and the others to follow his plan, but there were far too many to make that practical.
“You really are my very worst idea,” Mulrox grumbled.
“I know.”
15
It didn’t take long for Yahgurkin to find evidence of Groxor. She pointed out the giant footprints heading east into the Woods Mercurial.
“See,” she said. “I’ve read all about tracking. It should be easy! We have to look for soft ground. Until then, we look for broken branches, dangling leaves, that sort of thing.”
“Holes in the underbrush?” Yvwi said.
“Exactly, how did you know?”
Yvwi pointed to an ogre-shaped hole in a wall of vines.
She shook her head. “We better find him fast, before something else does.”
They followed his trail for the better part of an hour. Groxor had blown through the forest like a raging bull, bursting through bushes and ferns, leaving deep, muddy footprints and hand marks as he went. But eventually these signs began to peter out and they had to stop every few minutes to allow Yahgurkin to inspect the area before they continued.
“Okay, he should be through here,” Yahgurkin said some time later. She pushed aside the branches of a fir tree and stepped forward. She turned back to Mulrox as she walked. “I know we haven’t seen prints for a while, but these claw marks—”
Yahgurkin jerked forward, and then her arms were pinwheeling. It took a moment for Mulrox’s brain to kick into gear.
He reached out for her but caught only ends of her scarf. Mulrox saw Geraldine’s long, sticky tongue shoot out and wrap around Yahgurkin’s ankle. He yanked hard on the scarf, and Yahgurkin jerked back toward him. This time, he caught hold of her arm, and with one great heave, the two of them landed in a pile on the forest floor.
Yvwi floated forward to where Yahgurkin had been standing.
“Cliff,” he said.
Mulrox glared at Yahgurkin.
“Hmm,” she said. She sounded only vaguely surprised. “I guess I must have miscalculated.”
* * *
That wasn’t the only wrong turn they took that afternoon, though it was the scariest. They wandered into a fox den and down to a river.
“As long as we don’t run into a rakorvin, we should be fine,” Yahgurkin explained after they had stumbled into another animal’s den. “You can negotiate with bears, but if a rakorvin gets the drop on you…”
“Let’s avoid that,” Mulrox suggested.
She nodded.
Yahgurkin passed most of the time talking with the malcognitos. Mulrox didn’t think it was wise to be making so much noise, especially since more than once he was sure he had heard something creeping along behind them. But he kept his doubts to himself and focused his energy on keeping up and making sure Yahgurkin didn’t wander off any more cliffs.
They were passing under a rock outcropping when Yahgurkin turned to the nearest malcognito. “So, what’s your name?”
“That’s Death-with-a-kiss,” Yvwi said. “She’s kind of a tough nut.”
Yahgurkin nodded appreciatively. “And that one?” She pointed.
“Rock-like-skin? He spends a lot of time thinking—he’s stoic. Sort of like Mulrox but more productive.”
Mulrox snorted.
“Hi there,” Yahgurkin said, shaking a small, featureless appendage. “And the others?”
“Well, there’s Tree-wi
th-frog-legs—he’s a sensitive soul. And Spinakle-rex—he’s uncontrollable. Toad-springs-eternal looks after everyone else. Then there’s always Dinner-bell-of-destruction, Cloud-of-locusts, Jelly-knees, Sweat-like-its-raining, Eyes-like-eels, A-terrible-bargain—”
New malcognitos were popping up all over the place. Where were they coming from? Yvwi continued to rattle off malcognitos. The list of his bad ideas could go on forever; he didn’t need Yahgurkin knowing any more. “I think that’s enough,” Mulrox interrupted.
“They’re pretty interesting for bad ideas, but then I’ve never met one in person before. Of course I’ve had my fair share of them myself, but they’ve never shown up like this. Hey!” She turned back to Yvwi. “Are any of you mine? Daffodil-paste? Lichen-ball-soup?”
Yvwi shook his head.
“What are the odds, I suppose.” She sighed.
“Very low, since we are all Mulrox’s ideas.”
“Mulrox? You came up with all of them?”
“No. I don’t even remember half of them.”
“I remember all my ideas,” Yahgurkin said. “But I don’t have as many as you.”
Mulrox looked up at her. She wasn’t making fun of him; she almost sounded jealous.
“And we’re just the bad ones! Though, to be honest, the good ones are few and far between. You hardly ever run into the logosophilos in Sounous. I’d say we pretty well dominate it.”
“What’s Sounous like?”
“You don’t know about Sounous?”
“Just that we have to go there.”
“Have to? It’s an honor. Sounous is the most wonderful place in the whole universe, the whole multiverse even. A countryside of rolling hills frolicking with malcognitos in the warm sunshine. A magnificent palace with a thatched roof and wooden door. Everyone should be interested in it. It’s not boring like this place with all its dark trees and mist and rain. It’s so normal here. Everything is so predictable. Your garden was a refreshing change, though, I have to admit. There’s a garden in Sounous too!”
“There is? What’s it like?” Yahgurkin asked.
“It’s walled with flowering pink trees.”
As they talked, Mulrox wandered in his own thoughts. A land filled with his ideas. How was it possible? And why did he know nothing about it?
“Is it cercis canadensis? Or malus? Or cornus florida?” Yahgurkin asked.
“No, of course not.”
“Huh, what does it look like?”
“It’s something very special. Pink and treelike.”
“Big flowers or little flowers? Are the leaves waxy?”
Mulrox thought he might be mistaken, but Yvwi seemed to flush a darker shade of blue. “Well, technically we’re not allowed inside.”
“Sounds wonderful,” Mulrox said. “I want to go there.”
Yvwi glared at Mulrox. “It’s a walled garden in the center of Sounous, surrounding an enormous palace.”
“What’s the palace like?” Mulrox asked.
“We’re not allowed in there either.”
“And that stopped you?” Mulrox asked. “Since when do you listen to anyone else?”
“I’m really quite reasonable.” Yvwi sniffed.
“Who lives in the palace?” Yahgurkin asked.
“No one knows for sure. Though we’ve seen the grinders go in and out. And the figs are everywhere, so we assume they are in there too.”
“What’s a fig? Is—”
Yahgurkin stopped short as one of the malcognitos, the little one whose top half was a tree and bottom was a frog, floated up to Yvwi and tugged on him. Yvwi shook his head but looked a little unsettled. The malcognito tugged again.
“They don’t need to know about the fog, Tree. No one cares about fog.” He turned back to Yahgurkin. “Figs are the building blocks of everything in Sounous. The grinders use them to make roads, buildings, pie, anything that isn’t alive. Picture a floating noodle with eyeballs. Anyway, Sounous is pretty much what you would expect from a place overflowing with malcognitos from the most twisted and limited of minds.”
Mulrox glared at Yvwi and then pushed off ahead of them into the trees. He didn’t know if it was the right direction, but he no longer cared. It wasn’t like Yahgurkin knew where she was going either. Behind him, he could still hear them talking.
“It’s superb to meet you all. Mulrox is so lucky. The most amazing things are always happening to him. No one’s ever asked me for help.”
An angry ribbit echoed from the forest floor.
“Except you, Geraldine. I didn’t forget. It’s just that it doesn’t count when they are your dearest friend, does it?”
Mulrox wandered through the trees, plucking handfuls of needles and picking them apart as he went. They were sharp and waxy between his fingers, like sticky, little swords. An idea was rolling round his head when he slipped in something soft and squishy.
He looked down. His foot was buried in a pile of yellow slime. He lifted his shoe and strands of the mush followed. Mulrox tried to wipe his shoe clean but only managed to cover the goo in a layer of dust. This was all part of being in the forest, disgusting gloop, rakorvins, and terrible-tasting fruit. He supposed he would have to face it. He gritted his teeth and lifted his head.
Mulrox couldn’t help but gasp. He was standing at the edge of a wasteland. It was clear the area was once as overgrown as the rest of the Woods Mercurial, but now everything was broken and flattened. The splintered remains of trunks jutted up from the ground at jagged angles, and branches and leaves covered the ground. Multicolored piles of mush, like the one he had stepped in, decorated the forest floor. In the middle of a heaping collection of sticks and rocks was an indentation where something large had been.
“Yahgurkin…” Mulrox said.
“A favor for your dearest friend is hardly a favor at all,” said Yahgurkin.
“Yvwi!” Mulrox shouted. “You need to see this.”
A few moments later, Yahgurkin, Geraldine, and the cloud of malcognitos were at his side.
“Impressive! I’ve been known to make a mess in my day, but this is disgusting,” Yvwi said as the other malcognitos began to zoom about the wreckage.
“Yes,” Yahgurkin said. “I believe this is the nest of a rakorvin pair. Very rare.”
She strode into the middle of the clearing and began examining the site.
“Rakorvin?” Mulrox said. “The thing you said we should not run into at all costs.”
“Hmmm, yes.”
“Are they any less dangerous when nesting?”
“Quite the opposite.”
“Then I think we should get out of here, don’t you?” Mulrox looked around at the rest of his crew. Geraldine was sampling an orange pile of slime. The malcognitos appeared to be playing tag. “Are you all insane?”
“Take a look at this,” Yvwi said. He floated over and held up a long stick covered in enormous teeth marks.
“Fascinating,” Yahgurkin said. “I wonder if—”
A full-throated roar echoed through the wood. Mulrox whirled toward the noise. All he could see was the outline of trees against a curtain of green.
There was a second roar, followed by a loud crack. A sapling snapped forward into the clearing, its trunk broken in two.
“What do we do?” Mulrox whispered. “Do we run?”
“No. Rakorvins can only see movement. If we stand perfectly still––”
But Yahgurkin could not finish her thought, as a large dark shape lumbered out from the trees. The beast stepped forward, its head no longer enclosed in shadow. It wasn’t a rakorvin.
“Groxor?” Yahgurkin said.
Yahgurkin’s shoulders dropped, and she took several steps toward the green ogre. “We’ve been looking all over for you!”
But as the green ogre stepped farther into the clearing, Mulrox froze. Groxor was panting, his tongue peeping out the side of his mouth. Almost every scrap of clothing was ripped, and dirt and sticks matted his hair.
Groxor l
et out a high-pitched giggle, followed by a stream of syllables that tumbled from his mouth like a split sack of potatoes.
“Little espadrille and her quill
Were sitting on a rocket.
She had no sock to pick her lock,
And so, she merely mock’t it.”
“Wow!” Yvwi said. “Quite right!”
Little bits of spittle flew from Groxor’s mouth and his eyes were twitching.
“You write poetry?” Yahgurkin sounded positively delighted.
Groxor’s eyes flicked to Yahgurkin. Mulrox didn’t like the way he was looking at her.
“I’ve always wanted to myself, but I don’t have a way with words.”
And then Groxor charged. One minute he was wavering underneath the branches—the next he was sprinting right at Yahgurkin.
“Look out!” Mulrox yelled.
But Yahgurkin wasn’t moving.
Mulrox hesitated a moment more before he found himself running full speed at Groxor. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he kept running.
Groxor was pulling ahead—he would reach her first. Mulrox had to do something
“Duck!” Mulrox cried. He reached into the top of his bag and threw the first thing that came to hand.
The nubler flew through the air, spinning end over orange end until it exploded against Groxor’s chest in a soupy mess. Groxor stopped midstride and turned toward Mulrox. Orange slime dripped down his stomach.
They locked eyes. There was no recognition there, only anger. Groxor’s nostrils flared.
Mulrox tried to dodge to the side. But something snagged him. His foot was caught against a tree root, and as he tried to jerk free, he flew through the air and straight into Groxor.
There was a thud followed by a sharp crack as the two ogres hit the ground in a pile.
Mulrox rolled off Groxor and curled into a ball, covering his face with his arms and waiting for the attack. But none came. He pulled his hands down and looked at where Groxor lay sprawled flat on his back. He wasn’t moving.
“Wow,” Yvwi said. “That almost looked intentional.”
“Is he okay?” Yahgurkin reached out a hand to Mulrox and helped him to his feet.
Mulrox and the Malcognitos Page 10