by Nikki Bloom
“Hey, did you hear about the three guys on a boat?”
“No, I didn’t,” I said in reply as we all posed in front of a giant oak tree. The photographer was busy getting the train of Jenna’s dress into the shot. “What about them?”
“Well, these three guys had four cigarettes but they didn’t have a light, so one guy thought to throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.”
I laughed just as the photographer snapped the first shot. Looks like Connor had saved himself from buying me dinner.
With the pictures over, we filed into the limousine. “This is quite the event,” commented someone toward the front. A bottle of champagne was opened, the white foam spilling over the side.
“Do you know what comes next?” It was Connor. After the photo shoot he had answered another one of his business calls and it had left him mute to the rest of the world.
“Damn, I’m surprised that phone of yours has any battery left. You were on that call an awfully long time.” To be completely honest, I was a little annoyed with his behavior. When his phone was tucked away in his pocket, I could enjoy his company. He made for good conversation and he was pretty successful at making me laugh, but whenever he took a call, I was left twiddling my thumbs and I don’t particularly care for being ignored – frankly, I don’t think anyone does.
“There was something of a crisis at work, but I think I have it under control,” he said. “I know, you must think me a jerk or something.”
“I just thought it was common for people to leave work at the office when they attend a wedding.”
“I wish,” he said. “But that’s the curse of managing a business. It has a way of following you everywhere. Trust me, if I walked away, there’s a good chance the whole operation would crash and burn.”
“Let’s test that theory, shall we?” I held out my hand. “Give me the phone.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Earlier, you made a bet with me that you could make me laugh during the photoshoot; now I’m betting that your company can survive a couple of hours without you.”
“But what if something happens and they need me?”
“They’ll just have to figure it out on their own. Besides, how are you supposed to have any fun tonight if you’re busy worrying about your phone? Trust me, you’ll thank me for this later.”
He looked hesitant, dubious even. If I had to guess, he had never been without his phone before. It probably felt like I was amputating his pinky finger or something. I didn’t think he would agree to it but then I saw the nod of his head. “Fine, fine,” he consented. “But you aren’t going to do anything–”
Before he could finish, I slid the phone into the front part of my dress, right between the girls. He’d have to be pretty bold or pretty desperate to try and get it back from me.
“Do you think that’s going to stop me?”
“Well, if you start reaching for my breasts, that gives me and the whole bridal party a reason to slap you. Is a phone call really worth the wrath of all these women?”
“I guess you got me there.” He rested his now-empty hands behind his head. “Okay, so now that you’ve got my full attention, what do you want to talk about?”
“You asked me what was next and good thing, too, because you’re going to want to listen. You never attended any of the rehearsals so I’m assuming you know nothing about the entrance dance.”
“Dance?” He sat up and a bump in the road nearly caused our heads to bang together. We were saved the headache only by a couple of inches. The tips of our noses brushed together and suddenly, it felt incredibly warm inside the limo. I glanced towards the nearest window but it was too far for me to reach. Besides, it wasn’t like I could move. Trapped in his gaze, I had become frozen in place, losing all train of thought.
Are his lips getting even closer? I thought as I felt the warmth of his breath.
“I’m not much of a dancer,” he admitted, his voice a raspy whisper. “Only under special occasions and very rarely on the dancefloor.”
He meant something by that, but my mind was so muddled that I couldn’t make much sense of it. “Well, I don’t think we have a choice.”
Another bump and we were thrown back into our seats. Whatever magic had surrounded us was gone. I was left with a shiver and a sense of emptiness like someone had carved out my insides.
“Or else Jenna will have my head?”
“That’s right,” I confirmed.
“When I agreed to do this for her, I never expected that I’d be jumping through so many hoops. This whole thing feels like one giant circus.” He grabbed a couple of bottles of purified water. He opened them both before handing one my way.
I thanked him and took a sip. My mouth was incredibly dry. I wanted to blame it on the stuffiness of the limousine, but I had a feeling that something – or rather, someone – else was to blame.
“Since we’re on the topic, why did you agree to be the replacement? I have to assume that you and Jenna are pretty close if she called on you to help.”
“She’s my half-sister.”
“What?” The water bottle slipped from my grip by a couple of inches. I managed to tighten my hold before it could spill all over my dress. “That would make you her half-brother.”
“That’s usually how these things work.”
“But Jenna never told me anything about you!”
“I don’t know why. I’m pretty awesome if I do say so myself.”
“If you’re so awesome, why didn’t she include you in the original bridal party?”
He pointed right between my breasts. “I think it probably has to do with the fact that I’m a workaholic. As you keep reminding me, I can be pretty oblivious about knowing when it’s inappropriate to take a phone call.”
I didn’t bother to answer. We had stopped at a red light. I took the opportunity to jump towards the front of the limousine.
“Hey!”
“Watch it!”
The light turned green and we started forward. The momentum of it nearly took me off my feet. Someone grabbed me by the arm and steadied me from falling. “Thanks,” I mumbled under my breath, not even bothering to look in their direction.
“Jenna.”
The bride looked up. She opened her mouth to say something but with the limousine’s next stop, I was thrust right into her lap.
“Oomph!” she groaned as she tried to pull me off of her but there was really nowhere for me to go. For such long vehicles, limousines are incredibly cramped.
“You didn’t tell me that Connor was your half-brother!” I hissed, still on her lap. “We’ve been friends for how many years now?”
Some of the others caught wind of our conversation. It seemed like I wasn’t the only one kept in the dark.
“I can’t believe you never mentioned him. If I had a hot half-brother, I totally would have told you that he existed.”
“Well, I just never thought the two of you would hit it off. He isn’t really your type.”
“Still!” I took her by the shoulders and shook her as if that might make her understand. “How could you keep this from me? He’s your half-brother!”
Jenna’s husband had to stop me before I could give his new bride some serious brain damage.
4
Connor
We arrived at the venue. It was a beautiful Victorian mansion privately rented for the occasion. White-gloved servers greeted us, holding platters of hors d’oeuvres. Many of the groomsmen flocked towards the servers only to stop in bewilderment as soon as they saw the alien concoctions spaced evenly upon the surface.
“What the hell is that stuff?” mumbled the best man.
“Escargot,” answered the server.
“Isn’t that...snail?” The groomsman asking the question was looking a little queasy. He stumbled backward, eyeing the escargot with suspicion like he expected it to come flying at his face at any moment.
“You know, it
’s actually quite good, especially if you like garlic,” I said as I sidled up to Poppy. “But seeing as you ran off with our pizza, I can’t see how you’d be very hungry right now.”
“Hey, I paid for that pizza. As far as I’m concerned, that pizza is mine.”
“If this is about who’s paying for things then I think it’s a good time to tell you that I’m the one fitting this entire bill.” I waved my arm towards the mansion. “You see, owning your own business comes with its benefits. This place belongs to one of my clients. A doctor who owns a private practice. Charges an arm and a leg but I was able to haggle him down a bit for this place. Jenna nearly lost her mind when I told her that I had booked–”
“Really?” Poppy interrupted. I couldn’t be certain but she sounded a little clipped. I would have thought her at least a little bit impressed but her face was as smooth as marble. “Jenna is lucky to have a half-brother who is so generous with his money. This really is her dream wedding.” Her body language said it all. Arms crossed. Posture rigid. She hadn’t stopped tapping her foot.
“Poppy!” It was one of the other bridesmaids. She came around and swept off with Poppy, leaving me to stand there. I wanted to make sense of what had just happened, but her bitterness had been so abrupt that it had taken me by surprise. Was she angry that I was paying for the wedding? But how did that make any sense? As she said herself, I was funding Jenna’s dream wedding. As Jenna’s friend, wouldn’t she be happy that Jenna was getting exactly what she wanted?
Before I could come to a conclusion, the wedding coordinator gave a whistle that was loud enough to make every head turn. “Everyone, I want you to partner up. The guests are waiting inside, and I think they have waited long enough.”
Poppy returned to my side but didn’t even bother to look at me. “Was it something I said?”
“When we get inside, there’s a routine we’re supposed to follow–”
Buzz!
She gave a startled jump as her breasts began to vibrate.
“It’s probably someone from work,” I said. “If you would only let me check…” The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I had said them.
For a second, I thought she would comply with my request, but I should have known by the devilish smile on her face that she wouldn’t. “I think work can wait. After all, Jenna did say that she wanted an unplugged reception. I mean, you wouldn’t want to ruin her dream wedding, would you?”
“What the hell did I do to piss you off?” I asked her point-blank, hoping for an answer while knowing it would prove rather useless. Women have this way of toying with you. They like to make you figure out what you did wrong instead of just telling you what’s really upsetting them.
Buzz. Buzz.
I was dying to know who was calling. It could have been anyone and for any reason. I had half a mind to grab it from her, thinking I could take her by surprise as we marched toward the reception hall. Music reverberated underfoot. The DJ was announcing the incoming party. A round of applause followed. I could no longer tell if my phone was vibrating. “Poppy, please. Just tell me what’s bothering you.”
The doors opened back. The maid of honor and best man stepped forward, pumping their arms into the air. When they reached the middle of the room, the song shifted to something in the tango genre. He took her by the wrist. A rose had materialized in his hand. He brought it to his mouth and stepped off the dance floor, waiting for the next couple to show off their moves.
“Wait, what are we supposed to do?”
“Maybe if you weren’t so busy bragging about your money, you would have thought to ask me.”
“Bragging? You think I was bragging?”
“You weren’t very modest,” she answered.
“Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to brag, but you really can’t blame me for being proud of the fact that I helped my sister out with her wedding. She was going to settle for a backyard wedding had I not stepped in.”
“Up next we have Poppy and Connor!” And just like that we were out on the dance floor. Poppy had plastered a smile on her face that was so fake that she looked like a defective doll and I looked like some deranged puppet with my arms pumping into the air.
And then it happened – a shift in the music – something I actually recognized. I was worried we’d be left to dance to some electric garbage.
“Ah…” A genuine smile overtook my lips. “The mambo. This I can do.”
Poppy was already walking towards the others, but she wouldn’t get away from me quite so easily. I glanced first at our watching audience before leaning in her direction, arm outstretched. Our fingertips brushed together. She stopped. That’s when I made my move. With one tug of her arm, she was pinned against me. We were locked together, hip to hip.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing?” My hand slipped to the small of her back, dangerously close to her ass. My other hand found hers, clasping it in a tight hold. Without waiting another beat, I guided her through the footwork, letting our bodies move like water, fluid and free. “Dancing,” I answered as I bent her backward, far enough for her hair to sweep the floor and her leg to rise into the air, foot nearly at my ear. “And having a hell of a time.” I pulled her back into a standing position so that our faces were only inches apart. She was breathing hard despite the fact that we hadn’t been dancing for very long.
Her bottom lip shook ever so slightly. I could imagine biting into it – to taste the sweetness that was sure to be there.
“Hey now, no hogging the dance floor because next, we have the bride and groom!” The room erupted with applause as Jenna and her husband emerged, following a routine all their own.
I noticed that Poppy wasn’t quite watching them. Instead, she kept smoothing out the skirt of her dress. “Is something the matter with it?” I asked.
She looked up. “Where did you learn to dance like that?”
“Why? Did you like it?”
“That isn’t what I said.”
“I could give you some private lessons if you’d like.”
Another round of applause announced the end of their first dance. The bridal party shuffled toward the head table. Dinner would be served soon.
A whole army of servers surfaced from the woodwork, carrying the starter salad. A quiet din filled the room. I waited for Poppy to say something, but she seemed far more interested in picking out the raisins from her salad.
“What do you have against raisins?”
“Well, they sort of freak me out. They look like little bugs, especially in a salad.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “That’s the kind of answer I would expect from a five-year-old.”
“I’d be careful about insulting me if I were you. Let me remind you that I still have your phone held hostage. I won’t be held liable for what might happen to it through the night.”
I scooted a little closer and turned my head towards her so that my lips were just about grazing her ear lobe. Her scent, subtle and sweet, fueled the fantasies already running through my mind. “There’s only one reason why I haven’t taken my phone back from you.”
“And why’s that?” Without meaning to, I had come to rest my hand on her upper thigh. I was about to apologize and withdraw my hand when I felt her legs parting, if only slightly. Whether she was consciously doing so or whether it was an automatic response from her body, I did not know.
“Because there are too many people watching. But if we were alone…”
“Could you pass the dressing?” I didn’t take my eyes off of her as I passed the cranberry vinaigrette.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, you know exactly what I mean.”
She kept a straight face as she wiped her mouth with a napkin, but I could see the redness peeking out from her cheeks and creeping as far as the tips of her ears. “Excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom,” she said as she pushed back her seat and left.
As I picked at
my salad, I scanned the crowd, awaiting her return. When she finally reappeared, her face was no longer a rosy shade of pink.
“The line in there was ridiculous,” she said. “I couldn’t wash my hands for the longest time because everyone was touching up their makeup.”
“Isn’t that always the case in a woman’s restroom?”
“I just don’t understand the obsession with caking your face with foundation. There isn’t a single guy on the planet who is going to think a girl really looks that perfect. Makeup is supposed to highlight the beauty you already have, not give you a brand new face.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I said. “I think it says a lot about a woman’s character when they choose to embrace their natural beauty.”
“Fuck natural beauty. I want those extra minutes of sleep in the morning. I don’t have the time to wake up early just to paint my face and hope to impress some guy.”
I laughed. “That’s one way of putting it, but I don’t blame you. Those few minutes of snooze time are the best rest you can ever get.”
“See? You get it.” She refilled her glass with water. “When does our food get here? I’m tired of staring at this plate of salad.”
“Soon. The waiters came around and asked what everyone ordered. I took the liberty of ordering you the steak. It’s much better than the herb chicken.”
“Thanks.” She took up her utensils and began cutting up the steak into bite-sized pieces.
Soon came dessert. “You know, I don’t understand why couples still bother with a traditional wedding cake. Everyone likes the ice cream better than the cake itself.”
“Speak for yourself. This is real buttercream and it doesn’t get any better than that.” She brought a bite of cake to her lips. The way she wrapped her lips around that fork got my blood pumping. She did it again while looking right at me. Oh, she knew exactly what she was doing, and it was working.