by W.J. May
Chapter 20
Personal Demons
The rest of the Winter break passed slowly with Molly and her mother taking every possible opportunity to drag Rae out shopping to stores which were so far outside of her price range, it felt ludicrous to even walk in the shop’s door. It took some time for Rae to give in, and just enjoy the company.
There were moments when Rae felt like she was looking at a Norman Rockwell painting, watching Molly with her parents. They were disparate parts of the same whole, like puzzle pieces that seemed so different, yet fit together perfectly to make a beautiful picture.
They were so perfect together, and sometimes Rae longed to have that so much it hurt. Molly always seemed to know when Rae fell into a dark mood. She would come and drag her back into the fray, until Rae felt she was no longer on the outside, that she kind of became part of their family. It was an idyllic time, a welcome respite from the stress and pressure of school. Part of her wished it would last forever; the other part couldn’t wait to go back to Guilder, to see Devon, the headmaster and to face the other students.
Eventually, Rae found herself and Molly on a train, heading back to Guilder, the golden times ended. But even with the grim and dreary environment of school, teachers, expectations and the ever-watchful eye of the dean, the one thing life at Guilder wasn’t, was slow.
The first week back at school seemed to pass faster than all three weeks of the Christmas break combined. While on vacation, she had enjoyed the privacy of not having to talk about her tatù. In fact, after having flashed through inks like a cartoon flip book at the Alumni Dinner, Rae realized having had only Molly’s ability for three weeks had been heaven.
In no time, everyone fell back in the swing of things and gossip was abundant. On campus, everywhere she went, Rae heard students talking about her tatù and the alumni dinner. She ignored the whispers, figuring she’d show them what she needed to in the Oratory.
Monday evening, Rae headed down the marble steps and into the library a few minutes ahead of eight. She passed a few seniors sitting at the front of the room. She settled at her usual table with Devon near the back.
She hadn’t chatted with him since before Christmas. Her knees bounced against the underside of the table making it shake noisily, and earning her dark looks from Madame Elpis. She got up and began pacing around the aisles at the back of the room. Rows of books lining the shelves looked like walls.
Rae dropped her head sideways to get a better view of the titles. Most of the books were old leather -bound tomes with gilt printing on the bindings. She touched one, pulling her hand back in surprise. She felt power from the book shift into her. Well that’s new. How could a book have ink power? Well, there was only one way to proceed.
Dropping her hands to her sides, and standing perfectly still, she waited for her gift to show her what power she’d just absorbed. Eyes closed, she focused on the inner hum of her body.
The library grew completely silent – aside from the steady noise of the old ceiling lights and the computers.
The urge to wrinkle and twitch her nose grew strong inside of her. Rae knew the ability she’d just absorbed belonged to a shape-shifter and immediately following the realization, came the knowledge of whose it was. She opened her eyes and sighed. “Gale, I know it’s you.” She tried to peek over top of the books. In her best sing-song voice impersonation of the Shinning, she said, “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”
Laughter erupted from the front of the room. A tiny mouse crawled between two books, one of which Rae had touched. It jumped to the floor.
Within seconds, Gale stood beside her, a sheepish look on her face. “Sorry,” she whispered. “The girls dared me to try it. I hope you’re not mad.” She looked frightened enough to turn back into a mouse.
Rae smiled and laughed, trying her best to show that she was nothing to be scared of. “Here I was thinking some book might actually be a human stuck in the library stacks. I was about to pull the book out to try to free it!”
A small, squeaky laugh erupted from Gale and she hurried back to her friends, giggling the whole way.
“What am I missin’ out on?” Devon’s voice came through the other side of the aisle, behind the books.
Rae peeked through the stacks, disappointed not to sneak a glimpse of the sexy body the voice belonged to.
“Just playing a joke on Kerrigan,” Nadia, one of the twins, called from across the room
“Except she didn’t fall for it,” Gale added. “Figured it out in about five seconds.”
Aidan appeared in the aisle. “I got her once already.” She grinned triumphantly.
“What?” Rae asked, furrowing her brow. “When?”
“The night of your birthday. In the Infirmary.” Aidan’s eyes sparkled. “I sneaked outside your window and tossed you some crazy dreams.”
“That was you?”
“Yeah, ‘til you rolled out of bed faster than the wind and stared right at me. I took off running, positive you had caught me.” She giggled. “You never ratted me out. I thought that was cool of you.”
Rae thought back to the night. All of it had been strange. “I remember waking and jumping out of bed. I freaked at my own reflection. Never saw you.” Aidan winked. “Gotchya.”
Devon leaned over Rae’s shoulder, his hand wonderfully warm on her arm. “I’d watch it. From what I’ve heard, payback’s a bitch.” His smug smile backed up his words, making Rae wonder what he was thinking.
That wiped the silly smirk off Aidan’s face. Worried eyes glanced at Rae. “Sorry. I won’t ever do it again.”
Rae couldn’t help grinning, even though she hated the nervous tension in Aidan’s voice. “No worries.”
“I-I’ll leave you guys to get some work done. We won’t bug you again.”
“Happy New Year,” Rae called out as they headed to their table, hoping she could do a tiny bit of damage control.
The girls mumbled a reply and turned back to their books.
“Sorry I haven’t had a chance to catch up with you.” Devon sat down across from her. “Things were just really busy at home. Now, it seems, just as busy here.”
“Is it your mom?”
“Nah, Mom’s doing great. Her cast came off last week. She’s wearing one of those air casts now which she can walk on and take off to shower. She’s in heaven.” Devon let out a long breath. “My father’s putting me through hell. He’s hounding me to get my applications in order for university.”
Rae’s heart stopped. She’d never considered Devon wouldn’t be here next year. She’d kind of hoped he might stick around and, if she had the courage to ask, maybe mentor her more.
“Where’s your dad pushing you to go?” Hopefully really close by.
“Cambridge. It’s his alma mater. For having a tatù, it isn’t much help in deciding what to do. I was sort of thinking about some kind of spy work for the government, maybe the Privy Council. My dad disagrees. He seems to think I don’t have what it takes.” Devon looked dejected for a moment, but quickly cleared the expression from his face. “It was just a long holiday break, and I’m happy to be back again.”
“Me, too.” Rae blushed realizing how it sounded. “I didn’t mean I was happy to have you back, I just meant it felt like a long break, and I was happy. To be back. At school.” She shook her head, wishing she had Molly’s mouth at the moment. Because I sound lame. “How’s Beth?”
“Beth?” Devon looked like he’d forgotten his girlfriend for a moment. “Oh, Beth! She’s good, I think. I haven’t spoken to her since the first week of Christmas break.” He reached over and grabbed a couple of books from the stack and flipped through one. “We broke up.”
He said it so quietly, Rae wasn’t sure she’d heard him correctly. “Oh.” Maybe he broke up with her? Yay! Or did she dump him and he was totally depressed? Poor Devon! Rae didn’t say anything else, but she harbored a tiny twinge of guilt when she realized she was suddenly in an awesome mood.
“My dad said you
were the talk of the alumni dinner.” Devon’s soft brown eyes met hers. “Seems Dean Carter put you center stage.”
Rae cringed at the memory. The entire night seemed like a bad dream now – from Dean Carter to Riley’s attempted kiss. In fact, she wished it had all been one of Aidan’s creations. But, lucky her, it had all been real.
“Let’s just say I’ve no plans to attend next year,” Rae said firmly. “I’ve done my time.”
Devon laughed and held his hands up front of him. “I won’t bring it up again! I promise! Let’s try and get some work done then, shall we?”
He pulled a folder from his bag. Inside were newspaper clippings. He slid the file to her and opened the cover.
Rae looked at the black and white photo on the first page, instantly realizing it was of the fire that had burned her house down and killed her parents. She read the caption: FIRE KILLS TWO. MIRACLE CHILD SAVED.
Leaning forward, she read the article.
A combustible, deadly fire took the lives of two people: Simon and Bethney Kerrigan. Their remains were found inside their smoldering house. The cause of the fire has yet to be determined; firefighters are not ruling out foul play. Miraculously, their six–year-old daughter was found unharmed in the tree house in the yard. All trees surrounding were singed. However, the tree house mysteriously had no fire damage. Investigators are still trying to determine if she was inside the house when the fire began or if she may have seen anything that might explain the cause of the fire. The fire did not spread to any neighboring houses. The investigation continues.
Rae glanced at Devon. He nodded and turned the page to the next clipping.
SIMON KERRIGAN killed. Murder or Mistake? The man that many have come to fear and believed to be invincible is gone. His remains were located among the fire debris of his house. His wife, Bethney Kerrigan, who also died, was discovered beside him. Their daughter was found unharmed. Investigators are trying to determine the cause of the fire – possibly a mistake made by Simon or by another source outside the home.
Simon’s business associates are devastated. For this reporter, I will sleep better at night knowing Simon Kerrigan is gone. He will no longer be a threat to any of our kind or the rest of the world. Many of our readers will feel the same as I do. Let’s all hope the Kerrigan daughter has the gift of her mother, not the malevolence of her father. The six -year -old’s only living relative is Argyle McBane; his whereabouts are currently unknown.
Rae looked up, slightly confused. The second article didn’t come from a typical newspaper. It seemed pretty bold to think, let alone put down on paper that her father was the boogieman. Yet, it told her little more than what she already knew. The difference here, was that it made her feel protective about her family, flawed as it was. It still felt like her personal loss, no one else’s, she greatly disliked having anyone else comment on it, especially with the tone this article had projected. Devon seemed to read some of her thoughts. “The first article’s from the local paper. The second article is from our newspaper.”
“You mean, those who are inked?” She blinked several times, trying to absorb what Devon meant. It was difficult to accept, even though she knew it was true. People had actually feared or hated her father, and even after his death, they didn’t put much confidence in her future. They were passing the gauntlet from him straight down to her, had done so in fact, before she was ever inked. Her need to defend herself, her life, her family, both dead and alive, and her tatù grew stronger. Just a reflex, she told herself, but felt like she’d still been actively attacked. It had felt that way for a long time, and had only been growing worse. I’ve been naïve all this time to think I’d ever fit in here. She might be one of them, but she would never belong. They’ll never accept me.
She played with the zipper on her backpack. “You know, I wish I hadn’t been born. Or maybe had a brother to carry this load instead of me. It would’ve been better if it just skipped over me.”
“You don’t mean that.” Devon looked horrified. He took her hand in both of his.
“When Lanford told me you were coming, know what he said?” He squeezed her hand before releasing it. “He said you were coming to this school because of how special you are. He said you were going to need this tatù like the river needs the sea. And it would need you like the sea needs the river to survive.”
“Sounds like Lanford’s been having conversations with my uncle.” Rae couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of her voice.
Devon pressed on. “You can’t bury it deep inside and pretend it doesn’t exist. The sooner you realize that and accept it, the easier life will be.”
Rae scoffed. “Easier? You’ve no idea what it’s like to be me! Did you have newspaper articles written about you? Or an entire school and fraternity of gifted people leery of your tatù, watching your every step, suspicious of everything about you waiting for you to turn into a monster?” She ticked each point off on her fingers, her voice rising with each point. “I don’t know who my real friends are. I have an uncle who never told me the truth and a mother who wrote me a letter before she killed my father! Don’t even let me get started on my evil so-called evil father. I don’t even know if the school has me here to help me, or so they can try to protect their own asses from what I might become!” She rolled her eyes. “Sure, this ink’s awesome. I can do such wonderful things. All I need is a little group of adoring psychopaths following me around so I can mimic their abilities.” She stood, tossing the articles back at him. “How would you feel if people shrank away in fear of you and you’d done nothing wrong? Don’t give me some river-sea metaphor and try to make me feel all better – it isn’t going to change anything!”
Rae grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder, storming out of the library, not caring that four senior girls were staring at her, mouths hanging open. If she’d given it a second thought, she’d have given them all the bird. Too bad she didn’t notice anything outside of her inner pain.
A big part of her hoped Devon would come running after her to tell her everything was going to be all right. Rae snorted. Devon compared her to a river yet she was bloody drowning.
She stomped up the marble stairs, pissed that the marble absorbed her heavy stomps instead of making loud echoes. She wanted her angry stomps to boom like thunder through the air, because it would match her anger and her pain. She headed straight for her room, slammed the door and dropped onto her bed, punching the wall in anger. The lights flickered out.
After that night, Rae avoided Devon. It started out with her just wanting some space for a couple of days, but turned into a few weeks. Devon made no effort to try to talk to her, not even to set up further tutoring sessions, which adversely made her more determined to avoid him.
She spent a month being angry, not just at him, but at herself and the situation she’d been born into. If her stupid dad hadn’t married her mom, or if they’d had a boy first or even after her, she might never have been put in this position. Nobody would be mean, nobody would blame her for her father’s screwed up mind, she’d be…normal; an average teenager, concerned with nothing but school and boys.
She wore her self-pity like a cloak, refusing to admit it to anyone. It was easier to pretend to be hard, pretend she didn’t notice the other students avoiding her or moving out of her reach so she couldn’t touch them.
Some of the guys didn’t seem to mind this tough, wild Rae. In fact, she constantly got asked out for lunch, or for a drive, or to the movies. She said yes to everyone. It was better than sitting in her dorm room feeling sorry for herself. Since she couldn’t avoid it, she might as well enjoy the popularity of being the freak.
Her grades started slipping, but she didn’t care. She was tired of trying so hard. What good was a 4.0 GPA if people judged her by her family’s past without getting to know her at all? Things were spiraling out of control. She knew it, but had nothing to reach for to save herself.
After Oratory class near the end of March, Lanford asked her to
stay behind.
“I’ll meet you in the room,” Rae said to Molly and rolled her eyes toward the headmaster.
“Sounds good. I’ll get one of the guys to drive us into town for dinner.” Molly headed out the door.
Rae turned, tapping her foot so it squeaked against the marble floor.
“How are things going?” Lanford pulled on his earlobe and then patted his awful hair.
“Fine. Things are grand.” How’re things for you, Headmaster Lanford? Having problems now that your star pupil isn’t so shiny?
“Are you sure?” He squinted at her. “Your grades aren’t looking so grand.”
Figures he’d feel the need to sit down and have a fatherly talk. She shifted her weight to her other foot and began putting her coat on. “The courses are harder this term. I’m trying to focus on learning more about my ink.”
He scrunched his nose and lifted his head to stare at her from his bifocals. “You’re a bright girl. I don’t understand what you’re trying to do to yourself.” He took his glasses off and began to clean them. “Being like this isn’t going to make your tatù go away. Nothing can do that.”
Rae stopped zipping her jacket. He’d hit the nail on the head, something no one else had even tried to do. It didn’t mean that she was ready to go all mushy and have a heart-to-heart though.
She sighed and crossed her arms. “I don’t want it to go away. I’d like to learn how to use it more effectively. You know, for the good of the school and the good of mankind.” Blah, blah, blah and blah.
“My dear,” Lanford put his glasses back on their perch. “You can’t undo the past.”
Rae’s breath caught. She finished the phrase inside her head: the sins of the father are the sins of the son, or in this case, the daughter.
“Are you listening to me?”
Eyes wide, she stared at the headmaster. All the anger and bitterness suddenly drained out of her, and the only emotion left behind was defeat. She started to cry. Embarrassed, she hid her face in her hands. “I-I’m s-sorry,” she gulped.
“You don’t need to be sorry,” he said kindly. “I think you just need to let it out.” He looked at her so kindly, without pity. She knew this man meant her no harm. He deserved better than just silence from her.
Rae took several slow, deep breathes and then let her thoughts out. “My mom warned me about my dad’s demons. I…I wish I could change the past. Go back and make things right…fix my dad’s mistakes. Make people stop looking at me like I’m a freak. That’s what I’d hoped to do with my tatù, when I realized what I could do. I’d hoped to erase the fear and suspicion, to make everyone forget about my parents.”
Lanford put his hands on Rae’s shoulders and forced her to face him. “Don’t ever be sorry for who you are, or who your parents were. Your father was brilliant and talented, despite his dark ways and your mother was a wonderful woman who sacrificed everything so you could have a better life, a better chance. That’s an amazing gift.”
“Yeah, and I’m screwing it all up!”
Lanford shook his head. “You’ve all this talent, and trust me, my dear, you haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of it. After this term, you’ve another year at Guilder. Think about what you’re going to learn and be able to do. Look at the students in class with you. Think how talented the senior boys seem by comparison. You can already do more than them. I look forward to watching you grow.” He paused then gave her a hug, his goofy combover falling across his forehead. “Get rid of the baggage in your head and start concentrating on your classes. And, in this room, show everyone you are Rae Kerrigan, more than just a madman’s legacy!”
Rae wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and smiled at the headmaster. She didn’t want to be constantly compared to her dad. She knew Lanford was right, she needed to let it go in order to be what she was meant to be, and she desperately wanted to be rid of her father’s dark shadow. She whispered, “I’d like that.”
He patted her on the shoulder, pushing her toward the door. “Oh, and ask Devon to start tutoring you again.” He shook a finger at her. “I told you at the beginning of the year you’d do well to stick by that boy.”
Rae nodded, but said nothing. Apologizing to Devon was going to take some serious groveling and she didn’t quite know where to start. She headed out of the Oratory to meet Molly, who was waiting, impatiently, outside the dorm.
“What took so long? Lanford ask you to teach him something?” Molly stood, hands on her hips. .
“Something like that.” Rae smiled a real smile, realizing how wonderful it felt to do so after being angry and hurt for so long.
The two girls walked over to Joist House. They headed up the marble stairs, and as they reached the top, Rae made a quick decision.
“Molls, can you get Julian? I need to ask Devon something.”
Molly raised her eyebrows, but didn’t say anything. She nodded and headed down the hall. Rae wiped sweaty palms on her jeans and lightly tapped Devon’s door.
“Andy, I already told you I’m not going with you guys.”
Devon shouted from behind the door. “Leave me alone!”
She wasn’t sure he’d be any happier to see she wasn’t Andy, but Rae knocked harder anyway. She jumped back when Devon swung the door open, looking ready to cuss her out.
His eyes widened and his body language changed completely when he saw her. “What’re you doing here?”
Rae froze. She hadn’t planned any of this. It’d all been spur of the moment. She knew she needed to say the right words, to truly apologize to him, but at the moment she had nothing but scattered thoughts banging around her head. So she said the first thing that came to mind. “I was wondering if you wanted to head into town for dinner with me, Molly and Julian.” She tried to swallow, but her mouth had turned completely dry.
“Dinner?” He sounded and looked dumbfounded, as if the word itself didn’t make any sense coming from her.
“You know, we go to a restaurant, we order some food, the waitress brings it out, we eat it and then we pay the bill?” She realized sounded exactly like Molly. “Crap, that’s not what I meant!” She stomped her foot. “I’m trying to apologize. I’m just really lousy at it.”
Devon laughed. She wondered how much he enjoyed seeing her at odds with herself, but in the end, he must have decided to put her out of her misery. “Friends?” He smiled, his dimple winking at her from his cheek.
Rae’s heart melted, like it always did when his dimple made an appearance. “Hard as this is, I’m offering a free dinner to show how sincere I am.”
“FREE dinner?” He leaned behind his door. “Heck yeah! Let me grab my coat! I can hear Molly at the stairs complaining you’re taking too long.”
She reached out and grabbed his hand, mimicking his ink. He stared at her, surprised by the contact.
“Sorry, just need to borrow that great hearing of yours for a moment so I can hear what Molly’s saying.” She smiled mischievously, squeezing his hand before releasing it. “Then I can call her on it later.”
Devon’s smile widened slowly, as if he enjoyed soaking in the playful mood in the air. “Sounds good.” He shut his door. “I’m suddenly starving.”
Rae knew him better than that. “Starving because dinner’s on me?”
“You got it, fairy-girl.”