by Ivy Smoak
He smiled.
My throat made an awkward squeaking noise.
And the bell rang to save me.
“See you tomorrow, Sanders,” Rob said. “We’ll hash out the rest of our topic so you never have to hang out with Matt outside of school.”
At least Rob understood what I wanted. I quickly shoved my notebook into my backpack and zipped it closed. Before I stood up, I noticed a piece of folded up paper on top of my desk. It hadn't been there a few seconds ago. I picked up the paper and unfolded it.
I’m sorry about the past few weeks. Let me make it up to you. Meet me in the auditorium in five.
I looked up to see Matt walking away. He was the last one leaving the room. I knew it was from him even though he hadn’t signed it. But he didn’t realize that actions spoke louder than words. Being nice to me in one class didn’t make up for weeks of silence. A simple note didn’t make up for it either. It was just further proof that he didn’t want anyone to know he was speaking to me. Forced to be in a group with the new loser of Empire High was one thing. Voluntarily hanging out with them? Social suicide.
I pulled my bag over my shoulder and made my way past Mr. Hill who I swear glared at me. Instead of turning left toward the auditorium I went right toward my locker.
There was nothing I needed to say to Matt. I didn’t want to play whatever game he was playing. And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like I was being set up for something awful. He had talked to Charlotte before inviting me to the auditorium. She and Isabella and all the Untouchables were probably waiting there to make fun of me. I wouldn’t be part of their prank.
Still, I found myself putting the note in my blazer pocket instead of tossing it in the trash where it belonged. I hated how nice it felt next to my heart. I hated that even thinking about Matt still made me feel like I was breathing easier. And I hated how badly I wanted to run to the auditorium, even though I knew he wasn’t sorry.
Chapter 13
Monday
“What are you looking at?” Kennedy asked.
We were sitting at my uncle’s kitchen table going over our notes about Jane Eyre for our test later this week. But instead of looking at my English notes I was staring at the note from Matt. I quickly turned the page in my notebook, hiding it from sight. “Nothing,” I said. “Do you think Edward Rochester ever really loved his first wife?”
“Who is Edward Rochester?” Kennedy asked as she reached for my notebook. I pulled it away.
“Have you not read the book yet? The test is in two days.” And I was hoping she had an answer to my question. Could true love be thwarted by an old lesser love? Or infatuation? Or whatever the hell my feelings for Matt were? I mean, Edward’s feelings for Jane, not mine for Matt. Jane Eyre had nothing to do with Matt and Felix. I was focused.
“That wasn’t even your handwriting,” Kennedy said. “Please tell me you got notes from someone who already took this test and aced it.”
“I don’t know any upperclassmen.”
“And here I thought you’d become besties with Isabella.”
“Ew. No.” I laughed.
“But seriously,” Kennedy said. “No secrets between actual besties.” Before I could react, she pulled my notebook away from me.
Crap.
I watched her turn the page back and lift up the note. “I’m sorry about the past few weeks. Let me make it up to you. Meet me in the auditorium in five.” Kennedy looked up from the note. “Who is this from?”
“Matt. I mean, I don’t know. I found it on my desk in class. But I’m pretty sure it was him.”
She studied the handwriting. “Yeah it’s definitely from Matt. Here, let me read it again.” She cleared her throat and switched to a deep voice. “I’m sorry about the past few weeks. Let me make it up to you. Meet me in the auditorium in five.”
I grabbed it back from her. “Why are you so sure it’s from him?”
“He passes notes in homeroom and I maybe kinda spy a little. It’s his handwriting. What do you think he wanted to meet about?”
I shrugged. “Probably something about the group project we’ve been assigned in Mr. Hill’s class.”
Kennedy glared at me. “You seriously waited…” she glanced at the clock “…two whole hours after school ended to tell me you’ve been paired up with Matt for your project? What am I? Spoiled escargot?”
I laughed. “More like rancid foie gras.”
“Ha. Ha.” She folded her arms across her chest. “When were you planning on telling me?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal. You were trying to avoid him and now you’re forced to do a project together just the two of you? It’s like a romantic comedy come to life.”
“No, it’s not. And we’re not a pair. Rob’s in our group too.”
“Even better. He’s always hilarious. Romcom for the win!”
“My life is not a romcom. And just because Matt is talking to me in class and randomly wants to meet up with me in the auditorium it doesn't mean anything. He’s a jerk.”
“No, he’s a jock. You’re pronouncing that word wrong.”
“I mean jerk. Not jock.”
Kennedy sighed. “So…what did he want in the auditorium?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t go.”
“You what?! Are you crazy? When an Untouchable asks you to meet up with him, you meet up with him.”
“I thought you didn’t care about social status.”
“I don’t. But it’s Matthew freaking Caldwell.”
“Matthew Caldwell is just a boy like any other boy at our school. There’s nothing special about him.” Except his golden hair. And perfect smile. And the feeling of his hands on…stop. “Why do you keep pushing me toward him anyway? You know I like Felix.”
She lifted up the note. “Because this is some star crossed lovers scenario that deserves to be played out.” She slapped the note down in front of me. “And Felix is an egotistical liar with a drug problem.”
My uncle cleared his throat.
Kennedy and I both froze. I hadn’t heard him come in, and I’m pretty sure she hadn’t either.
“What’s this about a drug problem?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Kennedy and I both said at the same time.
He cleared his throat again. “We just talked about honesty in this house. And drinking. I don’t want to be standing here in another few weeks talking about drugs instead. Spill it.”
“We were talking about Felix Green,” Kennedy said. “He’s this kid we go to school with and he’s really bad news. But Brooklyn’s been hanging out with him. I’ve tried to stop her but she won’t listen. He’s the one that gave us alcohol at his house Friday night. He’s such bad news.”
What the hell, Kennedy?
“That’s not…” I started, but my uncle cut me off.
“You two best be staying away from him then,” my uncle said. “I don’t want either of you mixed up with someone like that.”
“Kennedy’s exaggerating. Felix isn’t bad news. At all. He’s nice and…”
“I said to stay away from him.”
“Why?”
“Because I said so.”
He was new to this whole parenting thing. But “because I said so” was not a sufficient answer. Before I could press him, Kennedy cut in.
“Also, is it possible that Brooklyn is related to him? Because we don’t know who her father is and I have a hankering suspicion.”
“What?” my uncle asked. “No.”
“Are you sure they don’t have the same dad? Or maybe he’s her cousin? Or…uncle? Is that possible? That would be pretty freaky.”
“She’s not related to Felix,” he said. “It’s time for you to head home, Kennedy. I need to speak to Brooklyn alone.”
Even on Friday night, I hadn’t been scared of my uncle’s reaction. Maybe it was the booze in my bloodstream that made me unworried. Or maybe it was the fact that he always seemed pretty happy. But today? He look
ed really pissed.
“Sure thing, Uncle Jim,” Kennedy said and gathered her notebooks.
I’d wanted Kennedy to ask my uncle about my father. But not at all like this. What had gotten into her? “Traitor,” I mouthed silently at her.
“You’re welcome,” she mouthed back.
When the door closed behind her I got up from the table. “I’ll be in my room.”
“Now hold on one minute there, kiddo.”
I froze in my tracks.
“Why are you hanging out with kids like Felix? I’m in over my head here. First the drinking. Now the mention of drugs. And dating? You’re sixteen years old. You don’t need to be dating anyone. You don’t need to make the same mistakes your mother did. Are you acting out because of her? I can make an appointment with a therapist. We can get you someone to talk to. Someone that can help you through this.”
Every word out of his mouth made me feel smaller and smaller. But the word mistake? That’s what hurt the most. I wasn’t a mistake. I shook my head. “I don’t need professional help. Missing my mom isn’t something I can work through. I’m never going to stop missing her.”
“I didn’t…”
“And she wasn’t 16 when she got pregnant with me. She was 19. And she wanted me. I wasn’t a mistake. I wasn’t." I could feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. "My mom wanted me.”
He cringed at my words. “I meant unplanned. Your mother hadn’t planned on getting pregnant when she was a teenager.”
Wasn’t that the same thing as a mistake? My mom always said I was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her. But when she first found out? Of course I was unplanned. Of course I was a mistake. I had just never thought of it that way. My mother hadn’t wanted me. Just like my uncle didn’t want me either. I was the unplanned mistake that had shown up on his doorstep with nowhere else to go. “May I be excused now?”
My uncle didn’t say anything this time when I retreated to my bedroom. I slammed my door and threw myself down on top of my bed. And I let myself cry. I let myself cry for being stuck here with an uncle that thought I was a mistake. In a city I hated. Without my mom.
I was vaguely aware of the apartment door opening and closing. Maybe my uncle would leave me too. Just like my mom had. There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I cried.
***
A knock on my bedroom door made me sit up. My cheeks were tight from my dried tears.
“Can I come in?” my uncle asked.
“Yes.” My voice came out croaky.
He walked in with a Duane Reade bag dangling from his hand. “You were unexpected, Brooklyn. But as soon as your mom found out she was pregnant, she knew she wanted you. She always wanted you.” He sat down on the edge of my bed. “Don’t you ever think otherwise.”
I would have started crying again if I had any tears left.
“And about Felix. We can talk about stuff like this. Boys. Whatever.” He cleared his throat. “You can talk to me.”
“He’s not bad news. Besides for Kennedy, he’s the only one in the whole school that’s nice to me. He even protects me when I stupidly attempt to play dodgeball. If anything he’s good news.” That might have been a stretch. I was pretty sure he didn’t do drugs. But I knew for a fact that he sold them.
My uncle nodded. “You really like him, huh?”
“Yes.”
He handed me the bag he’d carried in. “Please just use these. Always use these. There’s directions on the box. Just…follow those and you’ll be all set.”
I glanced in the bag. A large box of condoms stared back at me. I quickly collapsed the top of the plastic bag down so I couldn’t see them anymore. “I don’t need those.”
He was staring at the wall, which apparently was easier than looking at me when he handed me a bag full of condoms. “Hold on to them just in case.”
“I really don’t…”
“Please. For my sake. And if you have any questions about…”
“I’m good,” I said. “My mom already filled me in about the birds and the bees. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Nothing to worry about?” He laughed and finally made eye contact with me again. “Do you trust this boy?”
“Yes.” I was worried that it came out as more of a question than a definitive answer. Where was this going?
“I want to meet him.”
What was he planning on doing? Throwing a box of condoms at him and reprimanding him about drug usage? “Oh…no. I think it’s a little soon for all that.”
He pressed his lips together. “Right.” He looked back at the wall. “Not a problem. Forget I even mentioned it.” He looked…embarrassed. I still wasn’t very good at reading his emotions. But then it hit me. Maybe I was getting better at reading him than I thought. Because my uncle definitely looked hurt.
And I realized how my answer sounded. Like I was embarrassed of him. Or of where we lived. Or of something. And that wasn’t it at all. He asked me if I trusted Felix because he wanted to let him in on our secret. That I wasn’t actually a scholarship student. “Actually, maybe it would be good for you to meet him,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“I’ll let Felix know he needs to meet you. Maybe he can come over for dinner one night this week?”
“Whatever day works for you two works for me. Speaking of dinner, do you want to watch a movie and get takeout from that diner on…”
“You pick the movie and I’ll cook us something,” I said and slid off the bed. I wasn’t embarrassed of my uncle at all. But I was embarrassed that there was a bag filled with condoms on my bed. And the sooner I got out of this room the better.
Chapter 14
Tuesday
I caught up with Felix after class. I’d been chickening out from asking him to meet my uncle all day. And I had no idea why. I knew I could trust him. Despite Kennedy’s reservations, I knew Felix was a good guy. The worst that could happen? He’d laugh and tell the whole school I was related to the janitor. The best that could happen? Telling him the truth would make us closer. And now that I knew I wasn’t related to him, I wanted to be closer to him. He’d promised me a kiss. It was hard not to fantasize about it.
“Hey, I need to ask you something,” I said.
He stopped at his locker to pull out a few books. “What a coincidence. I have something to ask you too.”
“You do?” I was stalling again and he was giving me the perfect out.
He slammed his locker closed and we started walking toward the cafeteria. “There’s a party this Saturday. Come with me.”
“Like…as your plus one?”
He laughed. “It’s not a fancy thing, newb. Just a get together after the football game. But yeah. I want you to be my plus one.” As we entered the cafeteria, he slipped his hand into mine like it was the most natural thing in the world. “I know you’re working, but we could go after. I can pick you up.”
His hand felt warm and safe. I didn’t know why my eyes gravitated toward the Untouchables’ table. Or why my heart skipped a beat when I saw Matt glaring in our direction. I turned my attention back to Felix.
“I’ll have to ask my uncle. Speaking of which…” Now was my chance. The perfect lead in. “He wants to meet you. Do you maybe want to come over for dinner sometime this week? I make a pretty great vegetarian lasagna.” I didn’t have to tell him everything right this second. The whole secret non-scholarship student thing could wait. But for some reason he still looked confused. He stopped me before I could get in line for a salad.
“There’s a whole lot about everything you just said that I need clarification on,” he said. “First…vegetarian lasagna? What’s wrong with good old fashioned beef?”
I laughed. “It’s bad for your heart. And I’m trying to get my uncle to eat healthier.”
“Fair enough. That brings me to my second question. You want me to meet your uncle? That’s a first. Already introducing each other to extended famil
y?” He laughed.
“He’s not…” my voice trailed off. “He’s not my extended family. He’s my only family. I live with him.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. I know you mentioned at the party that you lost your mom. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you about her. I just knew it would be…I don’t know why I didn’t ask. I’m sorry.”
I cringed at his third apology. I hated when people said they were sorry. It wasn’t like he had killed my mom. He had nothing to be sorry for.
“I just assumed you lived with your dad?”
I shook my head. “No, my dad was never in the picture. It’s always just been me and my mom. I mean was. It was me and my mom.” I wasn't sure I'd ever get used to referring to her in the past tense.
“I’m sorry.”
Why did he keep saying that? “Honestly, I’m not. If he didn’t want me then I don’t care to know him either. But I should probably clarify that even though I don’t know who my father is, my uncle does. And you have nothing to worry about, my uncle told me that we’re not related.”
Felix just stared at me.
“Like you’re not my…secret brother or step-brother or something. Or cousin. None of that. Not that I was thinking you were. But it’s good to double-check that kind of thing. Just to be safe.”
“Just to be safe.” He flashed me a smile. “It sounds like you were worried about that. Which you shouldn’t have been. Wouldn’t you like being my sister? I think it would be great if we were related. I’ve always wanted a sibling.”
What? Seriously wait…what?
Felix started laughing. “You should see your face.” He tried to catch his breath.
“What is wrong with you? That’s not funny. At all.”
“Well, it kinda was.”
I slapped his arm. “I thought you were serious for a second. That you wanted me to be your sister instead of…” I let my voice trail off. What were we exactly?
“No, definitely not. It would have been really hard to unlike you, newb.”
I felt my cheeks flush.
“I can do dinner Thursday. And I’ll ask your uncle about Saturday myself, okay?”