by Ivy Smoak
“I hate it here.”
“I already know that. You’ve made that abundantly clear. I put a roof over your head. I sent you to the most prestigious school in the city. I’ve done everything to make this as easy for you as possible. And you hate it anyway! So I might as well give you a reason to actually hate it. You’re grounded for the rest of the semester. Now go to your room before I ground you for the rest of your life.” He sighed and turned away from me, like he couldn’t even look at me anymore.
I needed air. I was used to being able to step outside to breathe. To clear my head. When my mom was sick I used to go on walks around the hospital. I’d get all my tears out and go back to her hospital room with all the optimism I needed for her. To show her I wasn’t scared. To show her I believed in miracles. One that could save her. God, I had so blindly believed in miracles. I’d clung to hope like an idiot.
I slammed my bedroom door closed, gasping for air as the memories collided with my reality. I flung open the window and climbed out onto the fire escape. I gasped for air as I climbed out. But all the air did was make me cry harder. I sat down on the cold metal and let myself cry. Cry for my loss. Cry for my mistakes. Cry about everything my uncle said. He was right. I was ungrateful. But how could I be grateful in such a cruel world? A world that took my mom away. A world where I was allowed to talk to assholes like Matt but not sweet guys like Felix.
I gasped for breath, my lungs finally expanding and collapsing properly. I’d only been out on the fire escape once before, when I’d first moved here. I climbed out hoping to see the stars in the sky. I had this stupid thought that if I could see the stars that I could pretend that I was looking at them from my home back in Delaware instead of here. That seeing them would make me feel like I wasn't so far away from my mom.
But there were no stars in the city sky. I let my tears fall. And there were no miracles.
Chapter 20
Monday
I started running on the track before Felix had a chance to catch up to me. I’d had the rest of the weekend to think about what had happened Saturday night. Being home 15 minutes late shouldn’t have mattered that much. And literally everyone at that party was drinking, if not worse. I thought about the smoke swirling in Mason’s face. And the drugs James had bought. My uncle was being completely unreasonable. Being grounded for a week was one thing. But the whole semester? Screw him. I picked up my pace.
And I didn’t know what to say to Felix. I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore - not even at school. My uncle worked here. He’d know. And honestly? I didn’t want to talk to Felix right now anyway. Because this mess was his fault too. He’d pressured me to drink. He’d ignored the time just like I had. Yesterday I’d spent the entire day staring at the ceiling of my room as the focus of my anger oscillated between Felix and my uncle.
“Wait up!” Felix called behind me.
I knew I couldn’t outrun him on the track forever. His legs were longer than mine. And despite his laissez-faire attitude, he’d been lowering his mile time too. I didn’t want to have to tell him I couldn’t see him anymore. But I also didn’t want to have to tell him that I’d kissed Matt. Telling him I had to stop seeing him at least saved me from that awkward conversation. And waiting wouldn’t solve anything. My uncle wouldn’t change his mind. I wasn’t even sure he’d ever speak to me again. So I stopped right in the middle of the track and turned to face Felix.
He caught up to me. “What’s wrong?” He was out of breath from his sprint behind me.
I watched the rise and fall of his chest. His kind smile. The way he pushed his hair off his forehead before it could stick from sweat.
I didn’t want to stop seeing him. This wasn’t fair. But I knew life wasn’t fair. It just felt like I’d already been punished enough. I’d already lost enough. “I was home 15 minutes late on Saturday. And my uncle could tell I’d been drinking. I’m grounded for the rest of the semester.”
“That’s a little…extreme isn’t it?”
“It’s not even the worst part. He also forbid me from seeing you.”
Felix laughed, but when I didn’t join in, his smile fell. “He forbade you from seeing me? Are you serious?”
I could feel the tears welling in my eyes again. I thought I’d shed all of them this weekend, but apparently not. “He thinks you’re a bad influence on me.” It was such a joke. Isabella and Charlotte tortured me for sport. And Matt went around pulling me into dark spaces and making me kiss him despite the fact that we were probably related. And I wasn’t forbidden from seeing any of them. Just Felix.
“Is that what you want? To stop hanging out with me?”
I thought about the kiss lie. The lie that I was a scholarship student. I was so tired of lying. My tears started to fall down my cheeks. I didn’t want to have to give him up. “Of course not.”
He stepped forward and pulled me into his arms. “Don’t cry. We’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to him…”
“He hates you.”
“I doubt he hates me. He’s just worried about you.”
I wasn’t sure that was true. From our conversation Saturday night, I was pretty sure my uncle was just annoyed by me. Annoyed I was here. Annoyed by my presence. I was an inconvenience and he was finally fed up. He didn’t want me here anymore. That much was clear.
“The answer is pretty simple,” Felix said. “We just keep hanging out anyway. At least at school.”
I looked up at him. “It’s not that simple. He’ll see us. He…”
“And what? He’ll ground you again? He’s already played all his cards.”
That was true. What could be worse than being grounded for the rest of the semester? Grounded for life. But that wasn’t possible. I’d turn 18 in a few years and he couldn’t ground me then. “I guess you’re right.” I glanced at the school in the distance. Could he see me now? Was he already pissed?
“So he thinks I’m a bad influence, huh?” Felix whispered in my ear.
The way he said it made my heart beast faster.
“We’ve barely even done anything, newb.” His hands slid down my back, stopping right above my ass. “Just one kiss.” His breath was hot in my ear.
His words seemed to echo in my head. Just one kiss. If I was going to keep seeing him, I needed to pull off the Band-Aid. He deserved to know the truth. “It wasn’t my first kiss,” I said. The words came out by themselves. I probably could have thought of a more ceremonious way to confess, but there it was. The truth was out there. It was like I could feel it settle between us.
There was a smile on his face that I didn’t quite understand. “Yeah, it was a little hard to believe that someone like you hadn’t been kissed before. I don’t know why you thought you needed to lie about that.”
“I didn’t lie.” I pressed my lips together. “It was true. When I told you.”
“Oh. Fair enough. Who’d you kiss?” He looked more curious than upset. Actually, he didn’t really seem upset at all.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over.”
He shrugged. “Okay.”
“Are you mad?”
“No. It’s fine. We’re not exclusive or anything.”
Felix hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. I knew that. But the way he said “we’re not exclusive” made my stomach churn. Did that mean he was seeing someone else? This whole time I’d felt awful about kissing Matt. And he…what? What had he been doing?
He smiled like nothing I’d said mattered. “Maybe you can save me one of your other firsts then?”
I thought about what Matt had said in the auditorium. “I’m going to be all your firsts, Brooklyn.” I tried to shove away the thought, but it still sent a chill down my spine. “Yeah,” was the only response I could muster.
“Like…your first kiss on the track.”
I laughed.
He leaned down and kissed me. “And your first kiss during gym class.” He kissed me again.
I’d kissed Felix a total of three times now. Th
at was one more time than I had kissed Matt. And I felt relieved. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed Felix again. I wanted to keep kissing him until the two kisses with Matt were a distant memory.
***
“So…Joe,” I said and stared at Kennedy and Cupcake on the other side of the lunch table. “Where did the name Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes come from?” I had to stifle a laugh as the ridiculous name left my mouth.
I had no idea what to talk to Cupcake about. I kept waiting for him to apologize to me. He’d hit me at full force with a dodgeball and had never uttered an “I’m sorry.” I thought it would come. But as lunch slowly ticked closer to coming to an end…nothing.
He swallowed down some water with a huge gulp. “My last name is Dickson. I’m my father’s son. And we make sugarcakes.”
What the hell is a sugarcake? How were we not talking about that? Or the fact that the name of their shop was practically pornographic. If you said it fast it was basically Dicks On Son. “I thought you made cupcakes?”
“Amongst other things.”
Kennedy smiled at him. I glanced at Felix who just shrugged and kept eating.
Finally the bell rang, ending the awkward lunch.
“Catch you later,” Kennedy said and pecked Cupcake on the cheek.
I turned toward Felix. Should I do the same? A kiss on the cheek? I shook away the thought. It felt too forced.
“I can give you a ride home today if you want,” Felix said.
I smiled. “That would be great.” My uncle would never know. He always got home a few hours after me.
“See you then.” He leaned forward and kissed me. Not on the cheek. A full kiss on the lips right there in the middle of the cafeteria. My mind had been racing ever since he’d told me we weren’t exclusive. But that kiss pretty much sealed the deal. Right? Who else could he possibly be seeing? Unless they don’t go to this school...
As he walked away, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I knew Matt was watching. And for the first time since I’d stepped foot in Empire High, I wasn’t watching him back. I hadn’t glanced at him all day. I was going full-on cold turkey. It was easier than I thought. All I had to do was picture Isabella touching his chest. Or the opened box of condoms. Or the dozens of pictures of Isabella in his nightstand.
“I thought you were banned from seeing Felix?” Kennedy said as we walked out of the cafeteria together.
I’d caught her up this morning. Just not on the whole kissing Matt twice thing because we’d run out of time before the first bell. But I was glad I hadn’t told her now. I’d decided to bury that secret. It was done. I’d told Felix and he hadn’t pushed the question of who. And I didn’t feel compelled to ever talk about it again. Ever. “I decided to ignore that suggestion.”
She laughed. “Brooklyn the bad ass. I like it.”
I smiled as I pulled some books out of my locker.
Something hit my back, making me spill my books onto the floor. If I had been a fraction of an inch to the left, I probably would have split my head open on the side of my locker.
Isabella laughed. “Clumsy me.” She put her hand on her chest, feigning sympathy. Her minions giggled beside her.
I tried my best to ignore them as I crouched down and started picking up my books. But they didn’t leave.
“I’m used to ignoring the help,” she said. “I just didn’t see you. Out of habit, of course.” She kicked one of my books with the toe of her shoe, knocking if farther away from me. I leaned forward on my knees to grab it.
“We’re not the help,” Kennedy said. “Go bother someone else.”
“Oh, sweetie. Just because you go to this school doesn’t mean you’re one of us. Were you or were you not catering Mr. Caldwell's birthday party a few weeks ago? An event that I was attending?”
That was Matt's father's birthday party? No wonder he only helped me in the bathroom, away from prying eyes. God forbid his parents found out he associated with the help.
Kennedy just stared at Isabella.
“Good, we agree."
I stood up, clutching my books to my chest.
“I saw Rachel all over James at the party this weekend,” Kennedy said. “They make a cute couple.”
Isabella lowered her eyebrows. She always looked mean. But the action made it look like she was about to rip Kennedy’s head off. “Oh, were you there? I didn’t see you.” She laughed. “Right, we were just talking about that. I never notice the help.”
“Well I bet you noticed Rachel.”
“That’s really none of your business, but just to clear the air since everyone seems to think they know what’s going on…my parents want James and me together. However, James and I have mutually decided that our own wishes are more important than our parents. We both like different people. My relationship with James is nothing more than theater put on for the sake of our parents.”
I thought about the way she’d sat on Matt’s bed like she’d been there a million times before. I held my books a little tighter. I didn’t know if what she said was true. Maybe she did like James. Maybe she didn’t. Regardless, she was definitely screwing Matt.
“Oh, really?” Kennedy said. “Because it didn’t look like you had a date on Friday.”
“It didn’t look like you did either, sweetie.”
Kennedy smiled. “I thought you didn’t notice me there?”
Isabella opened her mouth and then closed it again. “Charlotte told me you were there,” she said and gestured to her favorite minion. “Right, Charlotte?”
Charlotte nodded. “Sad, really. Who goes to a party without a date?”
Kennedy glared at her. “You would know. No one would date someone as hateful as you.”
“Or as poor as either of you,” Isabella said.
All of them laughed. But the joke wasn’t funny. Poor people dated all the time. And Kennedy and I were both dating people. This conversation was ridiculous. But for some reason I still didn’t open my mouth.
Isabella turned her attention to me like she could hear my silence. “The party is at my house this weekend.”
There was a long awkward pause. Kennedy and I both looked at each other.
“Oh.” Isabella touched her chest again. “You didn’t think…oh no. I should clarify before you get the wrong idea. Because I want to be very clear about this.” She leaned forward slightly. “Neither of you are invited.” She was talking to both of us, but only staring at me with her demon eyes. “Not just to my party. But anyone’s party. Ever again. Unless you’re handing out appetizers.” She turned on her heel and walked away, her minions hot on her trail.
“Bitch,” Kennedy said under her breath.
“The joke’s on her,” I said. “I’m not allowed to go to a party even if I wanted to.”
Kennedy laughed. “I bet I can convince Uncle Jim that we can still hang out.”
“I hope so. Or my weekends are going to suck. And my weeknights. And all my days.”
Kennedy laughed and looped her arm through mine. “He won’t keep us apart. He loves me.”
I nodded. I was pretty sure my uncle did love Kennedy. I just wasn’t sure he loved me.
Chapter 21
Monday
The chair squeaked in front of me. I didn’t look up. My eyes were scanning the same page of my entrepreneurial studies book over and over again, even though I wasn’t retaining an iota of it.
“Brooklyn.”
It was Matt’s voice. I ignored him, squinting at the page in front of me.
His forearms rested on my desk as he leaned forward. “We need to talk,” he whispered.
The time for talking had passed. He’d been promising me a talk for a week but he never talked. He just assaulted my lips. I pressed said lips together, trying to ignore the memory of what it felt like to kiss him. It was easy because the memory of me sitting in his closet was easier to focus on. He’d promised he’d come back to talk. He hadn’t.
“What day this week works for you
to meet up after school?” he asked.
So now he was being reasonable? He didn’t have a ballet to attend every other night but Thursday this week or some other dumb excuse? “No days work. Sorry.” I lifted up my book, trying to block him from view.
“I’ll make whatever day you want work. Just pick a day and time.”
“I can’t. You and Rob will have to start the website without me. I’ll write some workout descriptions or something while you two do the coding.”
“We agreed to do it together.”
“I never agreed to that.”
Matt placed his hand on my book, lowering it to my desk so I could no longer hide behind it. “Brooklyn, please.”
I finally looked at him. And he looked…not good. It was the first time I’d ever describe him that way. There were dark circles under his eyes. His hair was askew like he’d just woken up from a nap. Maybe he had. The Untouchables could pretty much do anything they wanted at this school and not get in trouble. I pulled my book away from his hand, but I didn’t hide behind it again. Instead I slammed it closed. “Why are you even talking to me right now? Class is about to start.” The last thing I wanted to do was get in trouble in Mr. Hill’s class again.
“But it hasn’t started yet.” Matt smiled in that annoying charming way of his.
And something in me snapped. “You’re both assholes,” I said, first glaring at Matt and then at Rob. “I think I have a right not to speak to either of you after what happened Saturday.”
Rob laughed. “Sorry, Sanders. It was just a classic Hunter-Sanders mess around. I didn’t mean any harm.”
So it was fun for Rob to torture me now too? “A what? You pushed me into a dark room and held the door closed. You made up lies about Kennedy. And you ruined my dress.”
“A shame. That dress looked great on you.”
I glared at him.