by Liz Mistry
‘We’ve decided we want to start a family.’
For a moment, Gus was stunned. Kids? Gaby and Katie? This was the last thing he’d expected. A wedding, yes. Kids, no. Gaby had never wanted kids when she was with him but judging by the indulgent smile as she looked at his sister that had changed big time. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that. Still, he kept the smile on his lips. Katie was his sister after all, and she deserved to be happy. ‘Great. That’s brill… you adopting? Fostering?’
The couple again exchanged glances and Gus began to wonder what all of this had to do with him.
‘The thing is, Gus, I have…’ She glanced at Gaby a nervous smile flitting across her lips, ‘…fibroids and so it’s very unlikely I’d be able to carry a baby, so Gaby’s going to carry the child.’
Okaaaay, that was unexpected, but reasonable. He risked a quick smile at Gaby and found her staring at him. He frowned. What the hell was going on? This was odd.
Katie reached over and grasped his hand, squeezing tightly, her words coming out on a rush. ‘We want you to be the father. That way our baby would be as genetically close to both of us as possible.’
What the…? Gus opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. He must have misheard. Katie was asking him to father a child with his ex-wife, who just happened to be her lover. He must have got that wrong. He looked between the two of them. Katie’s eyes glistened and Gabriella stared right at him as if willing him to agree.
He laughed, hollow and cracked. ‘Nice one… Nice joke.’
‘No joke, Gus.’ That was the first time, all evening that Gaby had addressed him with anything other than disdain in her voice.
He glanced at Katie. Her face was pale, and she was shredding a napkin, her fingers shaking as they worked, her eyes trained on him.
And that’s when it sunk in. They really wanted him to father a child with his ex-wife. They wanted him to father the baby he’d always wanted with his ex-wife and then have to give it to her, so she and his sister could bring it up. They wanted him to donate his genes, his DNA, and then to play Uncle Gus to his own child? How fucked up is that?
He scraped his chair back, flung his napkin down, and strode out of the flat, ignoring his sister’s tearful calls and Gaby’s accusing, ‘Told you he wouldn’t. He’s just selfish, Katie. Totally selfish.’
CHAPTER 44
Pisces
L east that stuff with Ms Copley and the policeman who spoke to us in school is a distraction from the other shit I have to think about. Dirty cow, getting all down and mucky with that copper. Wouldn’t have thought old Copley had it in her. Just goes to show. She didn’t look so stern in the sack, did she?
Fucking Zodiac’s at it though… and Leo. ‘Got to keep up the momentum.’ ‘Can’t stop now.’
I’ve about had it though. Feel like ditching the phone… they can’t do owt if I ditch it, can they? What can they say? They won’t turn up at the door, will they? I walk into Undercliffe Cemetery. Reckon that’s as good a place as any to dump it. Could bury it under one of the stones. They’d never find it.
Ping!
Fuck, Zodiac! It’s like I’m being watched. I glance round. Nobody there but that old git with the dog. Disrespectful that is, letting the dog shit on the graves and not even picking it up. Wish I had the guts to go over and say summat, but he’s big… way bigger than me.
I plonk myself down on one of the raised stones and stare at my phone. If I dump it now, I don’t have to see what Zodiac’s saying… I practice shrugging and saying, ‘I must’ve lost it.’ Even to me that dun’t sound convincing.
Ping!
Fuck, I nearly drop it. I glance round again. Wish I’d stayed at home. I’m safe at home, they can’t get me there. I wipe my fingers on my shorts and leave a streak of red there. Shit, I’m a twat… picking my spots again and not even noticing.
Ping!
Ping!
The knobhead with the dog’s gone. My leg’s shaking and I want to scream. I never signed up for any of this… not really… did I? Zodiac says I did. Leo says I did… I must’ve.
I press the button to view the texts:
Zodiac: Next one tonight. That’s what you said. We still on?
Zodiac: You did say tonight? This one’s your choice.
Now it’s ringing! Zodiac!
‘Yeah.’ Even to my ears my voice is wobbling.
‘You okay, Pisces? Been worried about you. Not replying. Thought you’d lost the phone.’
‘No, no… course not. I’ve not lost it.’ Shit, now I can’t say I’ve lost it. Would be too obvious. Why am I such a twat?
‘So… we’re on? Leo and I were wondering.’
‘Yeah, yeah. We’re on.’ There I go again, agreeing with them. Get a grip… get a fucking grip. I don’t want to be Pisces anymore. I just want to be me.
I hang up. The graveyard’s right peaceful… quiet like. Maybe I could stay here forever. Maybe I don’t have to answer that phone ever again. I pull the knife out of my rucksack and press the blade against my wrists… I can’t do it.
I’m such a coward, I can’t even do that. Can’t say no and can’t fucking end it either… useless twat, that’s what I am. And as I sit, the sky darkens… it’s going to thunder. Maybe if I just sit here, I’ll get struck by lightning. Then I won’t have to be Pisces anymore.
CHAPTER 45
G us didn’t wait for the swish elevator to make its way back up, but instead, dashed down the stairs, his feet pounding in time with his heartbeat. This was crap… total crap. When he burst out into the heat and realised the evening sky had become overcast, dark clouds gathering on the horizon, the air close and stagnant, he paused. Should he go back to work where his team would soon suss out that something was wrong, or… what…? or what? Home to an empty house? The distant rumble of thunder echoed his mood as he shoved his hands in his pockets and, head down, began to walk down Oak Lane. A quick power walk round the block would ease his tension and then he could return to work.
The sky got darker, with ominous gun metal grey clouds, bearing down on the layers of heat, stealing every gasp of air. And then, in an electrical explosion, the sky erupted. Thunder and lightning clashed, and great drops of rain bounced onto the pavement staccato-like. Gus held his face up to the rain and as it soaked his T-shirt, he experienced the slow release of his initial pent-up anger and frustration leave his body… the relief was palpable. If it had continued, he was sure he would have snapped, and it had been a long time since he’d thought like that… been like that.
As he walked, torrents of rain gushed down the road, desperately seeking drainage grates. The heat was still unbearable, but the heavy pre-storm threat had all but dissipated. Soon, his clothes were sodden and, with relief, he saw his best friend standing in the window of Mo’s SaMosa shop looking out at the deluge. Mo glanced up and Gus raised his hand. He wanted nothing more right now than to spend some uncomplicated time with his best mate.
Before he reached the door, Mo had yanked it open and ushered him in. The familiar smell of spicy chai and warm samosas was like coming home. In silence Mo handed Gus a towel and then disappeared through the beaded curtain that led to the kitchen. Within seconds he returned with a pair of jogging bottoms and an old T-shirt.
‘Get changed… then we’ll talk.’
Gus met Mo’s eyes and hoped that his didn’t reflect the same pain he identified in his friend’s. As well as being a crap godfather, he’d been a crap friend too. He hadn’t seen Mo for over a fortnight and one glance was enough to tell him how much things had deteriorated in the Siddique household.
He took the clothes and slipped into the small toilet cubicle to get changed. When he exited, Mo was sitting at one of the tables, looking out the window watching the downpour. Although still heavy, the rain had lost its earlier ferocity. On the table was a plate with samosas and raita and two cans of Rubicon Mango, bubbles of condensation dribbling down the sides.
Mo turned and pointed to a pl
astic bag on the counter, ‘Put your wet things in there, you div.’
‘Div?’
‘Yeah, only a div would decide to go walking in that damn downpour.’
Gus shrugged, accepting the observation, and shoved his dripping clothes into the bag, before joining Mo at the table. Realising he’d barely touched the meal at Katie’s, he dived into the samosas with relish. Mo’s business was doing a roaring trade. So much so that he’d expanded into all sort of ranges from vegan spicy spring rolls, to paneer and pea samosas. Gus’ favourite were the bite sized samosas with spicy lentils. Lifting his can and rolling it across his forehead and cheeks to cool himself down, Gus observed his friend. Mo had lost a bit of weight and, unusually, a scowl scarred his forehead.
‘Alice is back.’
A smile flashed across Mo’s face. ‘Yeah? That’s brilliant. Tell her to pop down. Can’t wait to catch-up. How’s her parents?’ Alice’s parents had stayed at Mo’s for a short time during the winter and Mo had grown fond of the eccentric couple.
They talked about Alice and her recovery and her parents for a while until Gus said, ‘You’re working late.’
‘Yeah, well. Thought I’d give Zarqa the chance to tell her mum about her exam before I went home. Soon as I walk through the door, she either walks out or locks herself in her room.’
‘Things no better?’
Mo opened his can and took a long drink. ‘Nah. She won’t talk to either of us properly, but she completely ignores me unless she deigns to swear at me and storm out.’
‘That bad?’ Gus wondered whether to mention to Mo about Jerry and Dave seeing Zarqa pelting down Oak Lane on Sunday night. Last thing he wanted to do was worry his friend, but on the other hand, didn’t Mo deserve to know that his sixteen-year-old kid was out on her own after dark? Who was he kidding? Course Mo knew she’d been out… the thing was, did he know where she’d been or that she’d been on her own and obviously frightened? But Mo was speaking again.
‘Sunday night, for example. She stormed out and was gone for hours. Naila and I were frantic. She wouldn’t answer her phone and Naila refused point blank to access the tracker we have on it.’ He made bunny ears with his fingers and spoke in a near perfect imitation of his wife’s tone. ‘‘No, Mo, that would be an infringement of her privacy. She’d never trust us again if we did that.’ Like I was going to broadcast the fact we’d spied on her. But no, Naila got all indignant the way she does and then the two of us are fighting.’
Despite his friend’s obvious distress, Gus found himself smiling. Mo was only concerned about Zarqa and, in his eyes, that trumped minor considerations of privacy. After all this time with his wife, you’d think he’d have known she wouldn’t go with that. ‘So, what happened?’
Mo’s frown deepened as he drained his can and crushed it with one hand. ‘I was just about to go out trawling the streets looking for her, when I decided to look along towards Oak Lane through the staircase window. You know, one last time to see if she was walking along the road.’
Glad that he’d not betrayed Zarqa’s privacy, Gus said, ‘And was she?’
‘Nah, she wasn’t…’
Gus hadn’t been expecting that and he could tell from the vibrato in his friend’s voice that what he was about to say was upsetting.
Eyes focussed on the rain trickling down the window making visibility poor, Mo sniffed and rubbed his hand over his face ‘… she’d clearly sneaked in through the hedge, like they used to do when they were little. Probably to stop the security light from going on…’ He turned, and eyes fixed on Gus said, ‘and you know what she was doing… my beautiful, wonderful daughter…?’
Dreading his friend’s next words, Gus shook his head.
‘She was sitting on a patch of grass, her knees pulled up to her chin and she was rocking back and forth sobbing like I’ve never seen her do before.’
Mo stopped to wipe his own eyes. ‘My baby crying, and I couldn’t go and comfort her because she hates me… because I’m the cause of her pain… because it’s my fault she’s suffering on her own…’
Gus reached over and squeezed Mo’s hand. ‘She doesn’t hate you, Mo. You know deep down inside she doesn’t. She just doesn’t know how to cope with the adjustments to her life, that’s all.’
‘It’s more than that though, Gus. I’ve fucked up. Well and truly fucked up. Naila blames me for not listening to her. She’s right; we should have told Zarqa the truth years ago… then it wouldn’t have been such a big thing… then we might have survived it. You should be glad you don’t have kids, Gus – it’s a minefield.’
Seemingly seeing something in his friend’s reaction, Mo stopped and studied Gus’ face. ‘What have I said… you and Patti arguing about kids?’
Gus snorted. ‘If it was me and Patti talking about kids, I’d be over the moon… but it’s not…’ his voice died away at the last word. Shit, where had that come from? He and Patti having kids? Christ, they didn’t even live together, what the hell was he thinking? She wasn’t even returning his calls. He didn’t even know if there was any more ‘he and Patti’. Now it was his turn to look out the window to avoid meeting his friend’s gaze.
‘Okaaay. I’m confused – if it’s not you and Patti talking about kids then who is it?’
With difficulty, Gus tried for a neutral tone as he waved one hand dismissively. ‘Aw, it’s just Katie and Gabriella.’
When after a few minutes Mo hadn’t responded, Gus turned his head away from the window. Mo was biting his lip, clearly not sure how to respond to Gus’ words. Finally, he said, ‘Thought Gabby didn’t want kids.’
Head to one side, lips in a tight line, Gus forced his next words out. ‘Apparently, she’s changed her mind, and, with Katie’s fertility issues, she’ll be the one carrying the baby.’
‘Weeeeell, I suppose, it’s a good thing, if they want kids. Katie’ll make a great mum… and you’re great with kids… you’ll make a great uncle.’ Mo’s tone was that of a mother coaxing a child to eat broccoli.
Staring straight at Mo, the words catapulted out of his mouth. ‘That’s just it, mate… they don’t want me to be just the kid’s uncle… they want me to be its dad.’
If it hadn’t been so upsetting, Gus would have laughed outright at Mo’s expression. Mouth hanging open, Mo gawped at Gus, taking him right back to Year Seven, when Gus had told him that not everyone shaved their pubes.
Mo wiggled his index finger back and forth. ‘You telling me… you and Gaby… yeuk… that’s just yeuk.… and Katie’s okay with that?’
Gus reached over and slapped Mo lightly over the head. ‘Idiot. It’d be done through artificial insemination.’
Rubbing his head, Mo exhaled. ‘Oh… that’s okay… Ah no, it’s not… that’s just yeuk – a bloody glass bottle? Yeuk.’
The friends sat in silence and then Mo asked, ‘So, what you gonna do?’
Gus shook his head.
‘You spoken to Patti about it?’
Again, he shook his head and explained about the anonymous letters and the uploaded images. ‘You’re the only one I’ve spoken to. This is crap, Mo, just crap. How can they even ask me to create a child with my ex-wife and then just pretend to be its uncle for the rest of its life?’ He squished his mango juice can and tossed it on top of his empty plate.
‘That’s well fucked up… but then I’ve always though Gaby was fucked up. Why can’t they just do it through a damn clinic, like other folk do?’
‘Katie wants the kid to be as close genetically as possible to the pair of them.’
‘Well, that’s just stupid.’ Mo looked out the window again, his thoughts clearly not only with Gus’ predicament. ‘Genetics don’t make a family… love does that.’
Gus stood up to go, wondering if he’d just added even more of a burden to his friend’s shoulders. ‘Rain’s stopped; I better slope back up to The Fort. You any samosa’s left I can take as a peace offering to Compo for disappearing for so long? You know the lad needs his su
stenance.’
Mo laughed, his face lighting up, as he jumped to his feet. ‘Yep, give me a sec.’
Gus watched his friend pack samosas into a box. ‘They find the people that graffitied your mosque yet, Mo?’
Cursing under his breath, Mo added more samosas to the already bulging box before replying. ‘Not a bloody dickie bird. Bloody travesty, what they sprayed over the walls.’
‘LIARS! SINNERS! RAPISTS! in foot-high letters. Makes me sick. Who’d deface a mosque like that?’
‘Some right-wing idiot, more than likely. But I thought you had cameras and CCTV all over.’
Mo’s voice was grim. ‘We do. That’s the point – we do. Fuckers used some sort of drone or other to deactivate it before they climbed the fence. Caught it flying towards the camera and then the signals just went off. Your lot reckon they must be right techie experts to be able to do that. Maybe you could ask Compo what he thinks.’
More drones…
CHAPTER 46
Leo
I don’t want to let them down. We’ve come so far and all that, but it’s gonna be hard for me to get away. This one is one of Pisces’ choices, but still, I should be there… that was the deal… all three of us together… a team.
Ping!
Zodiac: You still on for tonight? That chicken shit Pisces is going all wobbly. Am relying on you. You know that, right?
I knew it. Knew that bell end Pisces would cause a stir, make it hard for everyone. I push my specs back up my nose. I could do with a cig. I’ve only got a few minutes to reply. I need to think. Can I manage it? Should I ask to delay by a few days? It’s not what we agreed; I know that. What an arse. I sigh. There’s nowt else I can say.
Me: Sorted. I’m in. Laters!
WEDNESDAY
CHAPTER 47
G us peered through the darkness, squinting to see the time on his phone as it vibrated on his bedside table. Fuck’s sake! After two o’clock. He didn’t recognise the number, so it wasn’t a work call. That was strange as the only calls he got in the middle of the night were usually work related. His thoughts immediately went to his parents. Had something happened to them? Was one of their neighbours phoning with bad news? A familiar tension gripped his stomach like a vice and squeezed, pushing the tension upwards into his chest.