by Liz Mistry
She raised her chin, her eyes sparking. ‘Don’t you dare patronise me with some shit like, ‘oh it’s nothing’ or ‘I was being a dick’ – which of course you actually are being right now.’
Lifting his hands in mock surrender, Gus tutted. ‘Okay, okay… but I’m going to need coffee.’
Scalding coffee in one hand and a cereal bar in the other, Gus wished he’d ordered a pizza earlier when Compo had headed down to Raja’s. Truth was, he’d been too nauseous to eat and the mere thought of even his favourite keema achar pizza was too much. Now his stomach growled, causing Alice to head over to the mini fridge where she fiddled about readjusting the contents, before retrieving a bag of samosas she’d hidden earlier.
Minutes later, when the stale incident room smells had been replaced by spicy pastry smells, Gus was ready to fill Alice in.
When he’d finished, Alice exhaled. ‘Fuck. I didn’t realise I’d missed so much when I was gone. I thought I was the only one with shit happening. Selfish cow that I am.’
She played with the samosa crumbs on her plate and then raised her head and stared right at him. ‘Look, the way I see it is this. You never once faltered in your belief in my innocence… so why would you falter in your belief in Zarqa? You need to keep the faith in her, just like you did in me.’
And there it was!
The guilt flooded Gus’ body. He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t risk her seeing the truth in his eyes… that when she needed him most, he had failed her. Alice had the utmost faith in him yet, when she needed his unquestioning support, he’d wavered. He was a shit friend and, much to his undying shame, it had taken Compo to make him face it.
But Alice had moved on. ‘You need to talk to her. You need to talk to her tomorrow and get this sorted out. She’s a teenage girl. Course she’s got secrets, just not the ones you think. Unsuitable boyfriend or girlfriend, hormones, anger, worry over failing her exams, grief, guilt… all sorts of crap.’ She looked at Gus, her eyes all serious. ‘There’s no end to the shit teenagers put themselves through.’ She bit into another samosa, then waving the remains in the air sending flakes of pastry flying over his desk, she added, ‘Last thing she needs is you being an arse. Be her friend, Gus. Yeah?’
Still avoiding her gaze, he nodded. The thing was, he wasn’t so sure Alice was right. She’d not seen first-hand the changes in Zarqa. The way she’d been unable to look at him. The guilt and anger and hate that flashed from her eyes when he challenged her at school. Alice was basing her belief on her knowledge of the girl she’d been last summer. This Zarqa was an entirely different ball game. This Zarqa was filled with turmoil… he was sure of it.
However, one thing was certain. Gus needed to confront her and that’s what he’d do first thing in the morning, without Mo or Naila about to make things worse for all of them. Quelling the niggling worry that his delay might prove too late for some other poor kid, he threw his half-eaten samosa back on his plate and looked at the images of Pratab Patel and Betsy Reavley on the wall. No way could the Zarqa he knew, the one underneath the snarling, wounded girl she was now, be responsible for this… no way!
CHAPTER 62
Leo
I could lie here for hours with the fan drowning out all the chatter from downstairs. Can still hear the kids outside yelling and giggling, getting in my head. Feel like all I want to do is escape. Need something to take the edge of everything that’s going on here. It’s all crap. I’m dying for a smoke, but soon as I move everyone’s on my case.
Clauuuus troooo effing phobiiic, or what?
He cornered me again earlier, going on and on and effing on about smoking and all sorts. Bell end! Like he’s such a goodie two shoes.
Really pissed off with those two dirty old scumbags from last night. Scared us shitless for a minute, then we realised it was just the old mingers. Fuck! My heart hammered like shit. They fucked it up for us though. Spoilt it. I hardly got the chance to look… to savour it.
Should’ve knifed them too… that would’ve made everyone sit up and take note. Mind you, I can’t afford to get messy again… not like the first time. They could have caught me all covered in blood. Only just got away with that. Good job they were too distracted. Zodiac was right though. It does get easier… so much easier.
Can’t wait to see it. Hope it’s up soon. Come on, Zodiac! Come on!
Ping!
At last!
Zodiac: It’s up… enjoy!
Me: Brill! Laters!
I sit up, my hands are shaking as I scroll. Fucking yeah! There it is. Good old Zodiac!
Not as good as seeing it for real, but good all the same. Betsy fucking Reavley with a knife stuck in her stupid little neck… Sorted! I look at it for a long time, trying to remember the smell. That’s one thing I didn’t know before… how it would smell. The blood that is. The coppery, animal stink. Gets right up your nose.
I’m so engrossed in Zodiac’s post that I nearly don’t hear him at my bedroom door. He’s got the door half open before I hear him. Fuck! I slip the phone under the duvet and glare at him. ‘What do you want?’
He shrugs, his eyes all over the place, like he’s checking for something. ‘Nothing, just checking on you, that’s all.’
He thinks I don’t see him sniffing the air. Well bully for you, matey, you won’t smell owt. I’ve swiped Mum’s expensive perfume to cover-up the ciggie smell. I smile, pretending to be nice, but what I really want to do is stick a knife in his neck too. Still grinning like an idiot, I jump up off the bed. ‘Come on. Let’s go downstairs.’
CHAPTER 63
‘S
omebody’s popular tonight.’
Gus had been on his way home when his desk phone rang. Cursing, he lifted the receiver to Hardeep’s voice. ‘What you on about, Hardeep? I’m knackered. If it’s not urgent, put whoever it is off please.’
Hardeep was clearly in a playful mood. ‘Well, I don’t know if it’s urgent or not, but the looks the two of them are flinging at each other tells me that if they don’t get to see you pronto World War Three might erupt… and I’m not insured for that.’
‘For God’s sake! Who is it?’
‘As I said, you’re Mr Popular. Both your girlfriend and your ex-wife are demanding an audience with you.’
If the wall had been closer, Gus would have banged his head against it. He’d had a shitty day and now this. Patti and Gaby didn’t get along at the best of times, but right now when he had bridges to build with Patti and a tunnel to dig to escape from Gaby, the last thing he wanted was the two of them in the same square footage.
‘Well, what shall I tell them?’ The humour in Hardeep’s tone was inescapable.
‘Stop fucking gloating. Send Patti up first and tell my ex-wife she’ll have to wait.’
That seemed to be the best solution – keep them separate. Last thing he wanted was Gaby to realise there was any rancour between him and Patti. She was such a bitch she’d just stir things up even more than they already were. He’d been hoping to phone Patti from the comfort and quiet of his home when he got home, but she’d pre-empted that. As he waited for her to arrive, Gus wondered what she would say. Quite rightly she was angry about private moments being shared on the Internet, but equally, he was beginning to be a bit irked at her response. It wasn’t his fault a stalker had targeted him, and it certainly wasn’t his fault the images had been uploaded. He’d hoped giving her some space would make it easier for them to discuss it, so after trying to phone a couple of times, he’d left her alone. Now, he wondered what the purpose of her visit was. Was she going to give him the big heave ho? Many homicide detectives found it near impossible to hold down a relationship because of pressures from the job… but this had gone beyond that. Their private lives had been aired in the most public of forums and he wasn’t sure Patti would be able to forget that.
He was aware that he’d got off lightly. His colleagues, after a few light-hearted and borderline sexist ‘Jack the lad’ type jibes which had resulted
in Alice giving them a piece of her mind, had let it go. But God knows how Patti had fared. Her staff would probably have sympathised. He’d met most of them and it wasn’t like she’d embarked on a 50 Shades of Grey fling with a stranger. However, he could only hope that the governors and parents would realise that Patti was the victim in all of this. As for her pupils? Gus had an almost pathological fear of dealing with large groups of kids, so he couldn’t begin to understand how Patti would cope. He could imagine their cruel snickers and sly looks… their pointed remarks. Hell, even Bashir’s daughter had had a dig at him, hadn’t she? On the one hand he was desperate to see Patti, to set things right. On the other he was petrified of what she would say. He didn’t know if he’d cope with a repeat of the conversation he’d had with Sadia a couple of years ago when she dumped him.
A peremptory knock at the door signalled Patti’s arrival. Gus got to his feet as she walked in, smiling tentatively. Then, when he saw she was followed by Gaby, his smile morphed into a frown. Patti’s mouth was in a stern line and there wasn’t a single iota of warmth in her face as she strode over to him. His heart plummeted. What had the bitch said to Patti?
He looked over Patti’s shoulder and addressed his ex-wife, not bothering to hide his anger. ‘I told you to wait. I need to speak to Patti first.’
But before Gaby could respond, Patti spoke, her eyes flashing, her colour heightened. ‘Oh, no need for that Gus. I came here to apologise for overreacting and blaming you for that fiasco with the photos. But now I’ve found out about your cosy little happy family plans with her,’ she jerked her head towards Gaby, her accusing eyes never leaving his face, ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Her shoulders slumped and she shook her head.
An immeasurable sadness engulfed Gus, immobilising him, stabbing him, as she uttered the words he’d been dreading.
‘It’s over… we’re over.’
And spinning on her heel, she left the room slamming the door behind her.
Gus took a step towards the door but was halted by Gaby’s amused drawl. ‘Well, well, well, someone’s got a temper.’
Gus had never hated her as much as he did right then. Her obvious glee made him wonder how he could ever have loved someone so shallow… so unnecessarily cruel. How could Katie not see her harshness? With difficulty he kept his tone flat as he pushed past her.
‘I’ll have someone escort you from the building. We’re done.’
He strode out of the room shouting, ‘Patti!’ The lift doors closed, cutting off his view of her anguished face, her chin tilted defiantly. I can’t lose her. I just can’t!
Cursing Gaby, cursing Katie, and cursing the damn lift, he took to the stairs, taking them two at a time, using the banisters to swing round each floor and arrived at the main entrance to see Patti exiting the building. Exerting himself he sped up, wrenched the doors open and pushing a couple of uniformed officers out of the way, he jumped the four steps, landing on the pavement.
Sweat pouring down his face he yelled the only thing he could.
‘I love you. You’re the only person I want to have kids with.’
For a second, he thought his words had fallen on deaf ears as she continued walking, her body rigid. Then, she stopped and for long seconds stood with her back to Gus.
He faltered and held his breath, waiting, hoping. Should he run to her or wait? Before he’d made up his mind, she turned around. Ignoring the cheers from the two uniformed officers and Hardeep who’d congregated on the steps, Gus ran to her. When he reached her he put his arms round her and pulled her to him, breathing in the coconut fragrance in her hair, savouring the weight of her body moulded to his as all his doubts faded away until grinning, she pulled slightly away from him…
‘If that’s a proposal, McGuire, then you really need to work on it.’
CHAPTER 64
G etting away from them even for a minute is hard. I tried to check out Mita’s room – see if she had anything, but it’s hard. Everyone’s acting all weird. I suppose that’s what happens when your brother gets killed. Never thought something like that would happen to us. All I want is a bit of privacy… just some time to myself… time to breathe, to do something normal, for once. I collected the business phone from the field earlier… so I’ve got it, just in case.
Instead of all this intense shit… prayers and tears. Can’t use the Xbox, can’t stay in my room, can’t go out, can’t do anything but suffocate. It’s like they think I’m not grieving if I’m not with them twenty-four seven. Course I am… but I just need some space. Don’t need the whole family there all the time. Pratab’ll be laughing his arse off up there. I can’t stay away from Facebook either. All the shitty messages:
Fly with the angels, Pratab. I’ll never forget you, love Priyanka xx :(
I look at the stars and see you twinkling there, always in my heart, Iqrah xx
Who the fuck are these people? I wanted to change the settings on his page, but Mum and Dad like to scroll through it. They don’t get that half these people hated Pratab or, worse still, didn’t even know him. None of this is about my brother… none of this is him, not how he really was. He could be a right knobhead. Getting lasses to sext him and then he’d upload it so everyone could see their tits and fannies. Stealing and shit. Winding the other kids up. He was a tosser.
The tears come again. Wish they’d fucking stop as well. No way I can go down now, not until I’ve got it together. Not that I want to go down. Fuck that, I’ve got stuff to do and if I don’t do it, all hell’s gonna break loose. It’s not like I have much choice in the matter. Can’t even have a phone conversation – too many ears around for that, too many nosy aunties and cousins.
I lock my bathroom door and look at myself in the mirror. Shit are those eyes mine? Big fucking bags and all red too. Look like a real stoner, I do. That’s mad… fucking well mad. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was stoned. Could do with some bud right now. Anything to just let me drift off for a while… forget all this crap. I sit down on the toilet lid. Glad of the privacy. Before long though, someone will be hammering on the door, demanding I tell them I’m okay, demanding I step up to the mark and take my responsibilities seriously. Fucking annoying. It’s okay for my dad to fall apart, but me? No, I’ve got to be brave, got to be strong… hold things together for everyone else.
Like I don’t have my own crap going on. The smell of incense drifts up the stairs and mingles with lemon bleach and Adidas Shower Gel, it’s almost overpowering. The window’s open and I can hear some of the kids in the back garden. They’re playing with a football. To them it’s just one big party. They play outside while the grown-ups pray inside.
I pull myself together. I’ve got a job to do and I only have a short time to do it. I get out my phone and text.
Me: Need to dump the shit. Too busy here. Need to shift it quick. Not safe.
Come on! Come on! Reply! I stare at the phone willing a response to miraculously appear on the screen. In the distance someone’s calling my name, getting louder as they come up the stairs. Fuck’s sake, can’t I have a minute to myself?
‘Kiran, do you want some chai?’
Fucking chai. If I have to drink another cup of fucking chai, I’ll explode. It’s like there’s some unwritten rule somewhere that says, if you lose a family member you must drink your bodyweight in chai.
I’m on the point of screaming, Leave Me A Fucking Lone when I get a notification. Shit, now they’re knocking on the door. Fuck’s sake I could be having a crap or anything. Can’t they just leave me in peace.
‘Are you okay, Kiran, beta?’
No, I’ve got a dose of the shits that’ll keep me confined in here until a week on Tuesday. Just leave me the fuck alone. I huddle over, my stomach’s clenching and I want to throw up. ‘I’m fine, Auntie. I’ll be down in a bit.’
‘I’ve made some chai. Come and sit with us and have your tea. It’s not good to be on your own. Your parents need you.’
Fuck’s sake, chai, chai, and more fucking
chai. Bet you’re up there fucking pissing yourself, Pratab. Looking down at us, drinking ourselves to death on chai while you’re lying cold in a fucking morgue. Trust you to get yourself fucking killed. Silly little fucking knob. Selfish little bastard.
I look at my phone.
Razor: Whassup dude? You owe us money. Need to sell the stuff.
Me: Summat’s come up. Need time
Razor: No time. Money by tomorrow or else
Me: Shit dude, my bruv got killed. You see it on the news?
Razor: Not my prob. Deal’s a deal. It’s pay day!
CHAPTER 65
Zodiac
I t’s good to be outside now it’s cooler. I like being outside in the dark. Makes me feel invisible. I get out easy enough, but Leo? Must be hard for Leo.
Me: Am here. Usual spot.
Leo: On my way. Pisces?
Me: No, just us. We need to talk.
Leo’s street is always heaving, so I stick to the shadows. Stay invisible, that’s my motto. All of a sudden, speccy four eyes is there looking at me and I grin. Funny!
‘That was quick.’
Leo starts to walk further away from the house. ‘Yeah. But I can’t be long. Pisces grounded or summat?’
I shrug. ‘No idea. Pisces has become a liability, I think. Might need to deal with that. Stress the importance of holding it together. Can you sort it? Tomorrow, eh?’
Leo shrugs, lights up a cig and inhales deeply.
I hate the smoke in my face and start wafting it away, but Leo just grins. And starts blowing smoke bubbles like a pro.