We’ve been together for five and a half months now. We’re supposed to break up in two weeks.
This weekend is his trip to Cape Cod and he’ll be gone from Friday. Lucille is supposed to be having pre-wedding party on Saturday and he won’t be here. I felt it was unnecessary to drag him there when the wedding is the weekend after. At least he’s going with me to that.
It’s just going to be weird because we’re getting our marriage annulled the week after that.
God, I’m such an idiot. This was a carefully concocted plan. who told me to go believing the lie we’re supposed to be to everybody else?
Who told me to fall for Ethan Carson?
Maybe I screwed myself over when I agreed to this crazy plan.
Shelby and I get to the restaurant a little later and we get the most gorgeous food.
All the while she talks about her latest guy who is sous chef at some Michelin stared restaurant in Charlotte I pretend I’m fine and I listen.
“Alright your turn,” she says flicking her wrist over.
“To do what?”
“To talk. I knew it was going to take all night so I wanted to say my piece first. In summery for me. I think I’ll be seeing Cal again and I might bring him to the wedding. That’s it. Now you can talk.”
I chuckle. There really is no on like Shelby.
“there’s nothing to talk about tonight.”
“Oh please. How can you say that. You’ve had that face since last month. I thought you might look worse, which behold you do, that’s why I booked tonight.”
“Really?” I claps my hands on the table.
“Yes. Now darlin, how are you supposed to be fine when you’re breaking up with the man you love in two weeks?”
That does it. I’ve been holding back those dreadful tears for months now. Hearing her say speak the truth of reality opens the lock I restrained them with and they slide down my cheeks.
“Oh honey,” she says reaching for some napkins to give me.
I feel like such a loser crying in the restaurant. I dab my eyes and try to fix myself.
“I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize, Bree. I saw this coming. You don’t want to break up do you?”
I shake my head. “No I don’t. How did this happen to me? It was supposed to be simple.”
“My dear niece I could offer you all the advice in this world, but the best thing I can tell you is to talk to him. You have to talk to him. He loves you.”
“I’m not so sure about that.” I remember on my birthday when I told him I loved him for what he’d done for me. It meant exactly that, but I also meant that I loved him. It was at that time when I started thinking about Amelia again.
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I don’t think he can love me the way he did his dead girlfriend, and I feel so awful saying that. I truly do.”
“Sometimes things are not what they appear to be, and I don’t think it’s that when it comes to him. That’s why you need to talk to him. Promise me you’ll do that, Bree.”
I nod, knowing she right. I’m just not sure I have the courage.
It’s not courage that pushes me to gear myself to talk to Ethan. It’s madness.
I can feel it, I’m going crazy.
It’s Friday evening and it occurred to me I’ll be in the house all by myself all weekend then at Lucille’s party. Judging by the way I feel, I don’t think I’m going to make it.
Ethan is in the study packing the rest of his stuff for the long weekend. I don’t know if he has any other plans with Amelia’s father for the weekend but I’m sure scattering the ashes is going to be sad too for them both.
He also hasn’t spoken about how he’s feeling. Not to me anyway.
I walk into the study and he looks at me. Now is probably the worse time to talk because he’s nigh on leaving but I just can’t wait any longer.
“Hey, are you all packed and ready?” I ask.
“Yeah. I’m just not looking forward to the long trip.”
“I can imagine.” His flight is in a few hours.
“You okay?” He studies my face.
“Yes. Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” I asked before and he said he’d be fine. I took that to mean he wanted to spend time with Amelia’s father and maybe by himself too.
“No, I’m okay. Besides, your parents would be mad at me if you missed your cousin’s pre-wedding party.”
“I wouldn’t mind, who has a pre-wedding party anyway. That’s what the engagement party is for, but she’s just being extravagant.” I shake my head.
“Yeah. Anyhow, baby I should go.” he reaches for a duffel bag and lifts it over his shoulder. “Call me if you need me.”
He walks up to me and kisses me and I feel like I might die when I think in a few weeks he won’t be kissing me anymore.
When he gets to the door courage comes and overwhelms me when I think of what I want.
“I don’t think we should break up!” I blurt just as he’s about to walk through.
He stops in his tracks and turns back to face me with an expression I can’t read.
“I don’t think we should break up, Ethan,” I say again. this time with more determination.
“Bree,” he breaths and sets his bag down.
He walks back over to me and stops a breath away.
“What? Say something other than my name.”
He stares at me for a moment and as the seconds tick by I feel him slipping away.
“I think we stick to the plan,” he states and my heart squeezes.
“Stick to the plan?” I can barely get the words out. “Why? Why would you say that?”
“Because we both got what we wanted and I fear that anything else might just lead us to hurting each other.”
My heartbeat speeds up. “How do you know that?”
“Bree, this is not a discussion we should have now. It might not be one we should have at all.”
“You think it’s fair for you to keep deciding what’s best for the both of us? I loved you when we were kids and I never stopped.”
“I can’t do this, Bree.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t. I can’t, and maybe give your track record, someone should decide what’s best for you. I can’t be with you, Bree. That’s final.”
I shut right up when he walks out and I feel as empty as I did twenty years ago when I first met him on the beach.
He walked away from me then too. I never knew it was an omen of things to come, or that I’d lose my heart to him and myself.
Chapter 27
Ethan
I plaster a smile on my face when I see Jim Gardener standing by the entrance to the burger diner we chose to meet at.
I lift my hand and wave as I cross the road and try to act like I’m not a mess inside.
I’ve been a mess since yesterday when I left Bree and it felt like the end. Maybe it felt that way because it was.
How could it not be when I made it so. There’s only one thing my words could mean and that’s why I didn’t call her when I landed last night.
I fucked things up all by myself and now I’m in Cape Cod I feel like I’m going to explode.
The plan is to have lunch together then go right out into the ocean where we’ll scatter Amelia’s ashes. I’m supposed to just have some downtime after then head back tomorrow evening, but I’m not in the mood any of it. Not even the thing I came here for.
I was already a mess before I spoke to Bree, because like her I’m was paying attention to the time we have together.
Telling my wife I couldn’t be with her anymore was not how I wanted to part, but then what didn’t I expect was going to happen?
Whether I said what I said yesterday or two weeks’ time, the asshole I am was going to say those hurtful words to her anyway.
I told myself it was for the best, but I don’t feel any better for it.
Officer Gardener, as
I used to call him, meets me half way with a bright smile on his face. He looks older. There’s more gray in his black hair and his bead is like it too.
It’s been several years since we last saw each other and he was in his late fifties then. He’s retired now. I called every time I had something important happen to me but I didn’t tell him about Bree until the other weeks when we spoke to finalize the trip. His number wasn’t on my list for this phone because he’d changed it. I was thankful at the time because I thought it would have been a tacky way of telling him I got married if he’d found out the way everyone else did. Not that it matters. I don’t even know why I told him when my marriage is over.
I guess I just wanted to tell him, just in case he found out. I’d want him to hear that from me.
“Well look at this,” he says. “Detective Carson, you sure are looking like the man I expected you to be.”
“That’s a high compliment, sir,” I reply putting out my hand to shake his.
He pulls me in for a hug instead and laughs. “We can shake hands when you leave. It sure is good to see you Ethan.”
“You too, Jim.”
“Congratulations on your wedding.” He looks proud.
“Thank you.”
“Come on let’s talk. There’s something I got to show you before we head out.”
I wonder what that could be.
“Sure.”
We head into the diner and sit at the back booth where we can have a bit more calm.
It’s not overly busy in here but busy enough. It’s just gone twelve so it’s understandable.
“So how’ve you been?” Jim asks after we place our orders.
“Good, things are good at the police station. I’m looking after it for you.”
He laughs. “Kid, you are definitely one of my favorite mistakes. I’m proud to see how you turned out. College, career, life.”
“Thank you.”
“And you have a wife?”
“Yeah. She’s great.” Better to carry on the pretense, especially to a man who taught me not to be a coward.
“That’s really good to hear. I worried about you.”
“Thanks. Sorry I didn’t invite you to the wedding. We kind of eloped.”
He grins with understanding and shows me his left hand with a wedding band.
“I get that. I did the same thing.”
I smile back at him. “When did that happen? And congratulations.”
“Two years ago. It just felt right and we’re both very happy.”
Amelia’s mother put him through hell—both of them.
He only allowed Amelia to live with her after they divorced because she wanted to take care of her mother. It was a bad idea. It was her who found her mother dead when she od’ed on heroine. I can’t imagine the impact it had on her. She never spoke about it too much
“I’m happy for you?”
“Thanks. On to business, I’m been dying to do this for a long time.”
“I know and I’m sorry. It was hard.”
“I know and I’m glad you’ve felt it was the right time because I’ve been dying to give you this too.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a letter.
When he holds it out to me I take it.
“What is this?”
“A letter Amelia wrote when she still could,” he replies and a chill races down my spine.
“She wrote me,” I mutter.
“It was a few months before she died when we could see the end in sight. She made me promise to give it to you before we scattered her ashes. She wanted you to read it before too. You can wait until you get to the boat or read it now. It’s up to you. I just wanted to do my part and give it to you. I couldn’t continue our conversation until did.”
“Thanks. I…” I need to read this now. “I don’t think I can wait.”
How must I?
“I didn’t think you’d want to either. I’m gonna make a quick call and give you some privacy. I think our food will be here by time you’re done.”
“Alright.”
He gets up and I open the envelope. When I see Amelia’s writing my stomach clenches and my lungs burns with the breath I’m holding but I read.
It says:
Dear Ethan,
If you’re reading this, it means I’m gone.
I’m on the other side of the veil watching over you and watching you be that crazy guy you always were.
I decided to write this because I knew you’d take my passing hard.
I wanted you to know how much I appreciated you staying with me in my desperate hours of need.
Every day I lived was scary because I didn’t know if it was going to be my last. But when I saw you, I had strength to do anything, even to move on to the next phase of life.
I needed you to know that my days were good because of you but there was also another reason for writing this letter.
I wanted to do something for you too. Let’s call it my parting wisdom. It’s simple but effective.
When we met I knew I was going to die and I didn’t want to love you because I knew the day would come when I had to let you go. So I tried to end us on my own terms when I broke up with you. I even set a date and lied, but then you came right back to me when I needed you the most. Fate made us meet again.
That day I realized it didn’t matter how long or short the time was we had together.
It didn’t matter if there was nothing to look forward to but death.
It didn’t matter that we probably ended up hurting each other because I couldn’t get better for you and you couldn’t do anything more than you did to help me.
It didn’t matter that we were probably never supposed to be.
We happened and what did matter was we fell in love.
So I’m going to tell you it’s better to have loved and lost, than not at all.
See I told you simple but effective. And true.
As I take my last breath that will be my last thought.
When you scatter my ashes and I’m dancing in the wind I want you to promise me you won’t be afraid to love again and follow heart and your dreams.
Most of all, I want you to promise me you’ll never give up on what you want most and you’ll be the man I always knew you could be.
Fight for what you want, even if you have to fight yourself.
All my love,
Amelia.
As I stare at the words, I feel like she could be right in front of me talking to me and telling me what I need to hear.
It’s those last words that have me in an invisible headlock.
Fight for what you want, even if you have to fight yourself.
She couldn’t have known me better than she did.
As her words sink in, strength I never expected to feel flows into my soul as if someone breathed new life into me and suddenly I don’t feel afraid anymore.
I know what I want and if I have to fight myself to get it, then that’s what I’ll do.
There’s no reason why I can’t love Bree and I’d just be repeating the cycle I always did if I end the beautiful relationship we have.
Jim returns to me and sits back down in his seat.
“You’re smiling,” he states. “That’s good. I take it the letter helped.”
“It did.”
“I’m glad.”
We talk and eat and then we set out to the boat. Once we’re on the water we wait until we’re far away from land to scatter the ashes. As I watch them pick up in the wind I imagine Amelia dancing just like she said and I make my promises not only to her but to myself too.
.
Chapter 28
Bree
Lucille is extra loud tonight.
I would have ditched the party long ago, but I promised Mama I would be here.
As if I don’t feel bad enough, everyone is here with someone a husband or boyfriend.
This party is what the engagement party would have been like if Quinn didn’t go with me.
I’m by myself standing by the table with the canopies. I’m just watching and waiting for enough time to go by so I can leave.
Last night I decided this would be my last weekend in Ethan’s house.
What is the point in waiting for him to give me the boot. I’d also prefer if he didn’t come to the wedding with me either.
I’m barely holding it together and any extra involvement will tear me apart.
My theory—although I’m sure I’m wrong—is that if I start breaking ties with him from now, I hope I’ll be able to bounce back.
That’s the theory. Although I don’t believe I’ll have any bouncing back to do I can’t roll over and play dead.
I have to try something and get over the boy.
Maybe he was right, maybe we’d end up hurting each other.
Shelby comes up to me with a glass of champagne.
“Just checking on you. You don’t look so good.”
“I feel like shit,” I whisper. Any louder and the sharks will hear me.
My cousins have been whispering all evening. I would love to tell them to fuck right the hell off, but I don’t want Mama laying down the law on me.
“Well you look beautiful,” she offers.
“I still feel like shit and I want to go home. My home, not my husband’s home.” Tears sting the backs of my eyes when I think of Ethan and what we had over these few months. I want to go back to the start. “I want to go back to months ago when we first started this crazy journey.” I speak my thoughts sounding hopeless.
Shelby’s about to say something but something catches her eye and she looks over my shoulder and smiles.
“What?” I say.
“Every now and then people have a way of surprising you,” she replies and turns me to face the door.
That’s when I see him.
Ethan.
He’s here and he looks like he stepped out of a dream. I wasn’t expecting him back until tomorrow.
He moves to me through the crowd and I leave Shelby and head to him too.
Out of Bounds: An Enemies to Lovers Romance (Sinful Bachelors Book 2) Page 16