I turn the page, expecting there to be more. An epilogue or something that will convince me they will be together, forever, as Jack surmises. There isn’t one. But what there is a final handwritten note. I turn the book on its side to read it.
Horseshit! Love is blind. And when your blinkers are ripped away by the love of your life. You’ll know for sure… love is a fucking joke!
I shake my head. No, that doesn’t fit at all with Mrs. Corrigan. This is definitely Colt. I didn’t want to believe it before, even though the signs were there.
I slump back on the chair, the book on my lap, and glance out of the window. Colt is talking to one of the ranch hands. They’re both laughing. He’s looks so happy right now. How did he get over what Ellen did to him and become this happy again? It can’t possibly be because of me. Can it?
When I first came to the ranch, Colt was friendly enough, but moody was his middle name. He hasn’t been like that for months now, pretty much since we got together.
I set the book on the windowsill and lean forward to watch him. He deserves true love, and hopefully I have helped him see that he can love again.
I blow out a shaky breath.
He’s helped me in so many ways to overcome my past and I can never repay him, but I know for sure that if I leave now, the damage will be limited. With each moment longer I stay, the more difficult it will become. For all of us. I cannot do that to him and to these wonderful people. My future without him will always be full of memories of him, not those that came before. And for that I will be eternally grateful.
I just hope he will feel the same way.
I rest back my head and close my eyes.
Is there nothing else I can do? No other option?
Twenty
Lacey
Repeatedly, I check my watch. Thirty minutes until the bus arrives in this smoky station. Noise circles my head and all memories of the calm, green Corrigan Ranch landscape is swallowed by this cacophony.
I rest my shoulder against a grimy brick wall outside the full waiting room and close my eyes for a second against the constant agitated movement of travelers pushing by. Everyone is anxious, eager not to miss their bus or leave their baggage behind.
As soon as Colt went to complete his morning chores, I left the ranch, on the pretense I had an errand in Gunner Ridge. From there I caught a bus to Visalia and I’m waiting on the next to arrive at the station.
With overpowered senses, I don’t see someone approach me until it’s too late. A hand grabs on to my shoulder, pressing fingertips right into the bone. For a second I don’t recognize the eyes and the dark hair. My head in a different space.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
I swallow deeply, a huge ball of regret stuck in my throat like a furball.
“Let’s go.”
I shake my head.
“Seriously, Lacey. Running away isn’t the solution.”
And I agree. I can run forever and I’ll always have to look over my shoulder. Escaping town on a Greyhound may take me a step away, or maybe a step closer. I will never know. My pursuers will be like a pack of wolves with a rag doused in my wounded scent. Their contacts and connections in every major conurbation in North America will allow them to find me. Somewhere. Some day.
I fully accepted that when I left the ranch this morning. But what drove me to act is the acknowledgement I’m responsible and it is in my control not to bring danger to all those wonderful people at the Corrigan Ranch. If I run, I take the problem with me. And if the motorcycle gang catch me, well, at least it’s only me that gets hurt.
And that moment of introspect costs me, because before I can step away, a loving arm wraps around my back. “Come on girl, let’s grab a coffee and I’ll tell you a little about me. There’ll be another bus later today.”
I blink slowly and take a deep breath. Why do they all have to be nice to me? They’re so caring. They’ve given everything and taken nothing from me.
“Okay, Josie.”
The station cafe is crammed with passengers; a steady stream dragging wheeled suitcases pour through the swinging doors, clutching Styrofoam cups. Josie and I snag two seats and two undrinkable cups of coffee and sit amongst the melee.
“So where are you going?”
I shrug. “Bought a ticket to Los Angeles. Don’t know from there.”
“And do you think you will be safe there?”
“Not particularly.”
She nods. “I know the feeling well.”
“Do you?” My mind is full of confusion.
She takes a careful sip on the watery coffee. “So, Colt didn’t tell you my story?”
I shake my head.
“When I was seventeen, my Mom and I upped and left with nothing more than a spare change of clothes. It was the night of my prom.”
I raise my eyebrows. I knew Josie had left town and only returned recently, but she seems so… normal; I thought her upbringing was similar to the Corrigan’s. On the right side of lucky. I’d never have guessed she split from town in that way.
“We were running from my father.”
I pull my lip into my teeth. Any kind of abuse is a fear that I know well and have immediate sympathy for.
“It took me eight years to return to Gunner Ridge, by which time the love of my life was married and my father dead.”
I’m confused. “Blue was married?”
“Yep. We were seventeen and had a strong relationship, but I couldn’t warn him we were leaving. So, I left, and he moved on with his life… eventually. He made many mistakes and hurt real bad. I did that to him.” She pauses as if she still harbors pain from the anguish she caused Blue. “Against all odds, he took me back. He didn’t have to. Despite my sound reason to leave Gunner Ridge, I hurt him immeasurably and his life was desperate for a while. I messed with his head. He married a girl who loved him… but he couldn’t love her.” Her eyes are wet with sadness, and my heart aches for them all. “Because he still had feelings for me. His unrequited love broke her. The trail of destruction was awful.” She swipes angrily at a tear leaking down her cheekbone.
“I’m sorry.” And I truly am. Neither Blue, Josie, nor Blue’s ex-wife deserved that level of grief.
She nods. “But there’s a fourth person that episode affected.”
And I know where this is going now. “Colt,” I whisper.
“Yep. Watching what his brother—his idol—went through affected Colt. He’s sensitive.”
“I know.”
“Then it happened to him, too.”
I need a second to process this. Not because I’ve learned something new—I possibly know more than she does about Colt and Ellen at this point—but because she has an underlying message to convey. One that has brought her here to find me.
“My theory is, me leaving Blue and then when Ellen left him too, it gave him a lifelong fear of being left by the love of his life.” She latches on with her dark, tear-filled eyes. “And hey, guess what, Lacey?”
I close my eyes on her rhetorical question. Am I truly the love of Colt’s life? Aren’t you only supposed to love one person in a lifetime? I thought for Colt that was Ellen. That’s why I opened to his charms, because I thought I was safe from that accolade. That pressure. I was the second one to come along. He’d already had his slap of reality, and everyone knows it can’t hurt as much the second time around. Can it?
I recall the scribble at the end of Notes in Love.
Horseshit! Love is blind. And when your blinkers are ripped away by the love of your life. You’ll know for sure… love is a fucking joke!
“Lacey, I don’t want this to seem like emotional blackmail because I don’t regret for one second leaving Blue Corrigan to escape my father and keep my mother safe. It’s just the way it had to be. At that time, it was the only option I had to save my broken and abused mother. However, as an adult, I know there are more options available. Friends. The police. The whole community. They will listen to an adult in a way
they don’t to a child.”
She reaches for my hand and squeezes a warmth into my flesh and bones that seeps up my arm and into my heart. “We will listen to you, Lacey.”
I’m in meltdown. Ready, but simultaneously, not ready for her words.
“We consider you part of our family now.”
Family. The word crashes into me and wraps around my heart. I’ve never been part of any family.
She chews the inside of her cheek as if she’s wondering how or whether to say her next words. “I knew when I first saw you, you were running from something. But I didn’t call you out, because you looked frightened. Scared. And I didn’t feel I should be another person to make you feel that way. I’m a good judge of character and I’ve watched you take care of Mary, help any of us whenever and with whatever you can. You may have lied about where you’ve come from, your birthday and all of that… but you’re a good person, Lacey, and you don’t deserve whatever forced you to run away.”
I’m emotionally floored. My mouth opens and closes with no sound.
“I don’t know what happened, but I guess there are people who want to harm you. And this motorcycle has something to do with it.”
I nod.
“I thought as much. Blue and I discussed it and that’s what we came up with. Well believe me, whatever it is and whoever they are, we will be there for you.” She pauses, waiting for my reaction, but it seems whatever words Josie says to me there is still an underlying feeling of dread and foreboding, and the thought I will drag Colt into this only makes it worse. I can’t go back and put him through this.
She carries on. “Blue and Colt are good men. They protect what they love. And Colt will not give in. I promise you that. If you go today, he will search for you.”
I screw my forehead up in confusion. Why would anyone do that for me? I’m nobody.
“At least at the ranch he will have everyone else to protect you too. If he comes after you, he is on his own.”
Doubt gnaws away at the lining to my heart; I didn’t think of Colt coming after me but Josie seems so sure. I roll my lips, because the more I think about the trail I will leave, the worse the prospect becomes. What will happen when the gang turn up at Corrigan Ranch and I’m not there? Will they burn the place to the ground? Torture. Rape. I flick a worried glance at Josie. I know they would if they choose to, but if I told her that now she wouldn’t believe me. No-one would. This motorcycle gang have no fear of a fight and if they think there is little to go up against, they will tear through the ranch like a medieval tribe. A local police officer or a cowboy with a hunting rifle will be no match for them when they set everything within a mile radius on fire with a pipe bomb or grenades. They really are that unlawful.
I’m backed into a corner. I can’t run now and leave the Corrigans to face the trouble I’ve brought to their door.
“Okay,” I whisper.
Josie wastes no time and stands, grabbing the cups from the table. “Come on. Let’s get you home.” She deposits the cups on the counter, nods her thanks at the server and waits by the table for me to rise.
One last beat and I go with her, back to Colt and my destiny.
All the way home, Josie drives in silence and my mind shouts out in despair. I have to face Colt. I have to face myself.
Colt stands outside the ranch, leaning against the porch railing. His face bears no expression and for a moment I’m rooted to the spot, hesitant over what to say. What to do. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be in Vegas. I’ve ruined that too.
I climb out of Blue’s pickup, and Josie disappears into the house.
“Are you ready to tell me who did this to you now?” Colt says with a husky tone.
I blow out a breath and nod.
He lazily trips down the stairs toward me, takes my hand, and we walk toward the orchard where the faint smell of almonds hangs in the air.
Twenty One
Lacey
There’s something deeply freeing about being outside at night. Stars that watch over many crimes stud the inky sky and as Colt leads me away from the ranch, I decide it’s time for them to witness my confession.
No one is quite who you think they are. Everyone harbors a secret. Whether they’ve buried it deep within themselves under a mountain of truths and good deeds, or even if they refuse to accept what it is and consider it a misunderstanding and not their fault.
Well, I’ve chewed over my dark secret for six years.
My passage into adulthood is framed by what I did as an innocent—no, scratch that—impressionable teenager.
It’s the reason I stayed away from society and allowed my captors to get the better of me. A self-imprisonment of sorts.
During that time, I could have given up and taken my life, or fought back and have that choice taken away from me. But I didn’t. I went through each stage of emotion as a form of self-torture. Denial. Anger. Depression. But never acceptance. And even though I knew my life would never shine in the way some people’s do, I stopped short of believing being their slave was the way it would be for the rest of my life.
Colt stops walking and so do I, and we sit on a bench wrapped around a gnarled tree trunk, looking down on the ranch and the silhouetted cattle in the distance.
“I’m sorry, Colt. I’ve ruined the bachelor party.”
He takes in a large breath and stares into the darkness. “Not really. That got messed up years ago.”
I screw up my forehead.
“Anyway, this isn’t about me.” He rests his elbows on his knees and rubs his hands over his face.
I let it go. He doesn’t want to talk about Vegas.
“So, Lacey is not your real name?”
I shake my head, even though he’s not looking my way. “But that’s who I am now.”
He sighs his frustration. “I think I deserve honesty from you.”
I nod.
“Will you tell me everything?”
I tuck my hands under my legs and he glances at me with eyes that glint through the darkness. The time has come. I twist to the side to face him and with a slight jerk of his chin as invitation, I begin.
“When I was a teenager, I was a troublemaker. Thought I knew it all. Above the usual rules and conformities that restrain a girl at that age.”
He looks confused and slightly disappointed. I hate that. But I have to chip away at his view of me as the blameless victim, one church roof tile at a time.
“I am not innocent.”
The back of his head rolls against the rough bark of the tree trunk.
“My friend, May, and I hooked up with some bikers. We thought it real cool. Riding on the back of their hogs, hanging out at wild parties. Smoking. Drinking. Causing chaos.” I lower my tone at the dark hues of my teenage naivety. “They lived on the fringe of society. Outlaws.”
A low noise growls from his throat, but I’m too far into this confession to stop now.
“We dropped out of high school, went out at night, and generally raised hell.”
I wonder if he even knows of any MC gangs. I haven’t seen anyone on a motorcycle in Gunner Ridge, let alone any gang members. And I’d know. Shit, I’d smell them a mile off.
“I’d never say it was a blast. It was a different thrill. I knew what we were doing was wrong, but no-one cared about us, anyway.” I’ve never really dwelt on why I took the path I did, and I’m sure if my feelings were available to analyze on the matter they would reek of selfishness and self-destruction. But it was true—May and I were raised in a children’s home and no one cared what happened to us. We were at that age when we were too difficult to handle and too close to leaving social care for anyone to try to do anything about it. “But it spiraled pretty quickly. It started with May first. The biker she hooked up with gave her drugs. Heroin.”
Colt’s eyes close on that revelation and the sad emotion of how I failed to save May rolls over me. I would like to say I didn’t know that she was on a slippery slope. But I did. I�
�d really like to say there was nothing I could do to stop it. But truthfully, I didn’t even try. Not until it was too late.
“I should have left then, but he…”
“He?” Colt straightens, and his eyes darken with anger. “Who is he? Come on Lacey, cut to the chase. Who the fuck is this guy that has you so banged out of line that you ran away from me?”
For a second I’m knocked by his reaction, but really, I expected at some point he would flip. But for it to be all focused on that one person surprises me. Colt doesn’t know how much of a monster he is. And I need to make sure he never does.
“Bear.” The name chokes in my throat.
“Bear?” With a throaty laugh, Colt shakes his head. “Well, Bear can come looking, but all he will find is my fist.”
My heart grows heavy in my chest. “Your fist will not be enough against someone like Bear or the people he hangs out with. They have easy access to firearms and think they are above the law.”
He sniggers. “No-one is above the law, Lacey.”
We sit for a few moments before I break the silence and tell Colt why I left here. I need him to understand what he is dealing with here. I made a promise to myself as Josie drove me back here. No false pretenses. Although I thought I would have until tomorrow to reveal everything to Colt.
“I didn’t run away from you, Colt.”
“So why did you leave?”
“Because Bear will come to claim the motorcycle. He will ask questions. the police will tell them about me, and they will come to this ranch. I can’t bring trouble here; you’ve all been so kind to me.”
He huffs in disregard and I can tell he doesn’t like my choice of words. Kind is too weak a descriptive for what Colt has been to me. My lover. The first man to tell me he loves me.
“These people have nothing on you, Lacey. You’re a free woman, and okay, you stole a motorcycle, but I’m sure Perrins will just give it back to this… Bear. No harm done.”
Notes in Love Page 12