The warm hues of brown and gold mix within her irises as a smile plays on her lips with a promise. “Okay.”
We’re tethered together by an invisible thread, always pulling us back together.
When one strays, the other will always come looking.
Our lives weren’t meant to be spent apart.
27
Hadley
I left Ander, feeling slightly unsettled with the situation at hand. It didn’t feel right, leaving to go about my day while he sits at home worrying about his friend. Everything just felt off. The past twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind like I’ve never known before. My mind had been thoroughly fucked, and without lube, I should add.
Quietly opening the door, I slip into my apartment, hoping to go unnoticed. After the party that I decided to impulsively throw last night, to which I then disappeared from, I think avoiding Sloane is probably best for now. She’s opinionated and I don’t know that I care to hear her opinion on Ander and me right now.
I softly close the door behind me, finding the apartment completely silent. There’s virtually no evidence of a party or that anyone else is even here. Stepping through the doorway, I slip through the kitchen and make my way toward the living room and my bedroom.
“Hey.” Sloane’s voice breaks through the silence, catching my attention. Jerking my head to the side, I find her perched on one of the barstools at the breakfast bar area. With her elbows propped up on the counter, she leans forward, watching me as her chin rests on her hands. “I didn’t expect to see you today.”
“Hmm,” I muse as I pause by the doorway that leads into the living room. “Can we not do this right now, please?”
“Do what?” She tilts her head to the side as she glares at me. “You mean talk about the fact that you locked yourself in your room with Ander last night? The same guy that you swore that you were going to stay away from?”
“Yeah, that,” I mumble, crossing my arms over my chest defensively.
“No,” she retorts, dropping her arms onto the counter as she shakes her head. “We’re most definitely doing this right the fuck now. We literally just talked about it and he shows up and suddenly, you’re falling right back into his lap.”
“Hold the fuck on.” I raise my hand and my voice simultaneously. “If I remember correctly, you were the one who called Troy. And he was the one who brought Ander here. So, how the hell can you be mad at me when you essentially set this up?”
“Hadley, you weren’t supposed to choose him over Ryland.” She sighs in defeat, hanging her head. “I saw the two of you out there and I thought that maybe if Ander saw it, he would do what’s best for you too.”
“So, instead you set us up to fall apart.”
“No.” She stares at me. “You two never needed any help with that.”
Narrowing my eyes, I shake my head at her. “Fuck you, Sloane,” I mutter. “You’re supposed to be my best friend, the one who has my back no matter what.”
“And I do,” she argues, but the rest of her words fall short. Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes briefly before looking back at me. “He’s not good for you, Hadley.”
“You think I don’t fucking know that?” I snap at her. “You don’t get to make that call though. It’s my life, my decisions. If I want to fuck it up, then fuck it.”
“He’ll hurt you again,” she says softly, ignoring my anger as I lash out at her.
“And I’m sure that I’ll hurt him too, but that’s what we do. It’s brutal, but there’s beauty in the pain. Nothing that comes easy in life is worth it. It’s the things that set our souls on fire that’s worth the struggle and the heartbreak.”
Sloane stares at me as my words hang heavy in the silence. The air in the room is thick with tension but the emotion in her eyes washes it away. Her gray irises search mine before she nods. “If that’s what you want, I stand by your decision.”
“It’s not what I want,” I tell her quietly. “It’s what the universe demands.”
“Okay,” she agrees as she slowly rises to her feet. She glances behind me at the microwave. “You’re gonna be late for work.”
Turning around, I glance at the clock, realizing the time. “Shit. We’ll talk later?”
“Sure.” She gives me a small smile, but it doesn’t reach the hardness in her eyes. “Tell Ander that he’s on my shit list. One wrong step and I’ll be spoon-feeding him Rocky Mountain Oysters made from his own testicles.”
I laugh as I slip out of the room, but her laughter doesn’t follow me as I make my way into my bedroom to get changed. I’m left with silence and the lingering thoughts of her questionable sanity and the uncertain future of Ander’s balls. In a rush, I change my clothes, slipping into a pair of scrubs before hurrying out of the apartment and back out to my car. It isn’t until I’m pulling out onto the street that I realize I didn’t get the chance to ask Sloane if she was serious or not.
I can only hope for Ander’s sake that she wasn’t, because shit between us has never been easy. We’re caught in our own dance, both dancing with two left feet. Our jagged edges were imperfectly perfect and wrong steps were inevitable. It’s what we built our foundation on.
28
Ander
Dropping onto the bed, I lay flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling. My eyes trail over the chipped drywall that hangs in chipped fragments as it’s slowly peeling away from a nasty water stain above. The paint has since faded and has been washed away from years of smoke and ash.
My eyelids slowly grow heavier as I continue my critical assessment of the ceiling above me. Lifting my arm, I wipe the haziness away from my eyes with the back of my hand. Reaching into my pocket, I grab my phone, pulling it out to check the time. I waited until after Hadley left and I showered before retreating to my room to get high. That was a few hours ago now.
If I bide my time for a little longer and cling to my high like a life raft, I may be able to float longer. If I can wait until it’s closer to when Hadley gets done with work, I’ll be able to get the boost that I need and ride this shit out for the rest of the night.
Doing drugs and hiding them was something I used to be really good at. I kept my addiction hidden for a long fucking time, until the heroin sunk its poisonous fangs deep into my skin. There was no hiding heroin. It was one drug that demanded attention, positive or negative. It’s fucking controlling and it loves to make sure that you know that.
She knows what I do, but that doesn’t mean I want her to see it. It’s not something I plan on hiding from her, but I have enough respect to not do it in front of her. I never did before and it’s not something that I’m going to subject her to now.
Heroin used to be my dirty little secret.
Now it’s the bitch that I’m married to.
I close my eyes as I drape my arm over them, slowly releasing my fingers as my phone slips from my hand, landing on the mattress beside my head. A soft hum fills my ears as my senses swim with the drugs in my system. A loud bang rings throughout the house, just barely making its way through the cracks around my door.
The sound competes with the buzzing, but the commotion outside of my room is drowned out by the sound that’s in my head. With my eyes closed, fighting the darkness is nearly impossible. I know that I should move my arm, I should stay awake and not waste my high, but I can’t fight it any longer. My chest rises as my breathing grows deeper and I’m swiftly swept into a drug-induced slumber.
My body is roughly jerked as I drift in and out of consciousness.
“Wake the fuck up, you worthless piece of shit!”
The darkness has its claws in me as it drags me in deeper, farther away from my body and the noise that fills the room. My mind is bogged down and fuzzy as I struggle to fight against it and come back to reality.
My torso jerks again, my brain rattling against my skull from the force and how limp my body is. I swim through the thickness of the haze, swimming back to the surface. Something stings my cheek, light
ing my skin on fire. My eyes quickly fly open and they struggle to adjust to the harsh light from above.
A dark shadow hovers over me. Blinking rapidly, I push away the darkness that had consumed me and my eyes adjust.
“Anya?” I croak, narrowing my eyes suspiciously. “What are you doing here?”
“I came back to get my shit,” she snaps. “This is all your fucking fault, you know that, right? You fucking baby murderer.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I slur as I struggle to sit up. I was nowhere near her, I had nothing to do with her miscarriage.
“You chose her.” She shoves my chest roughly, pushing me back onto the bed as she climbs to her feet.
“I didn’t choose shit,” I bark at her as I watch her pace around the room like a caged animal. She walks around blindly, throwing her hands in the air as her lips move as she silently talks to herself. I dig my hands into the mattress, using all my strength to push my body upward into a sitting position.
My legs are heavy as I swing them over the edge of the bed and climb to my feet. Anya walks right past me, not even glancing my direction as she continues to pace. Straightening my spine, I will away the dizziness that swarms in my head and sway gently from side to side. As she goes to pass me again, I reach out, grabbing her arms. Holding her in place, she glances up at my face with her eyes wide.
“Stop fucking pacing,” I snap at her, shaking her slightly. “It was always Hadley, it will always be Hadley. There never was a choice and even if there was, it will always be her that I choose.”
Anya doesn’t say a word as she stares back at me, trying to shake my hands from her arms.
“You can try all you want to deflect that guilt that you’re feeling,” I tell her, staring holes into her dead, bloodshot eyes. “That shit won’t work on me, and you know it. You know that the only one you can blame for losing that baby is yourself and that’s what hurts the most. You had a miscarriage from the drugs, Anya. That baby never stood a fucking chance.”
“Fuck you!” she screams like a wild banshee as she tears away from me. “You said that you were going to help me and you fucking lied!”
I stare back at her in bewilderment as she stalks toward the door. There was no helping her and she knows that that’s the truth. If only she could see past her guilt and her dying need to bury that deep inside. Maybe then she would see that I never could have helped her. The only one that was going to get her off the junk was herself. Not that baby and surely not me.
“That’s what we do,” I sneer at her with a vicious smirk. “We make empty promises and feed others a generous spoonful of lies. You were only lying to yourself thinking that I could actually do anything to help you.” I pause for a moment, shaking my head with a harsh chuckle. “When in the history of history have you ever heard of a junkie helping a fellow addict kick the habit? That shit doesn’t happen unless one of them is clean at the time.”
Anya’s face is blank, but her eyes are filled with rage as she glares at me. “I never want to see you again.”
“Heard that one before,” I retort as I shove my hands into the front pockets of my pants. “You gonna actually stand by your word this time?”
“I’m getting my shit and I’ll be long gone from your life.”
Folding my lips between my teeth, I nod toward the door as I burn holes through her. “You know where the door is.”
She huffs, spinning on her heel as she strides through the doorway. Without another word, she marches out into the hall, slamming the door shut behind her. The walls rattle from the force and the sound echoes in my head.
A defeated breath slips from my lips and I stare at the door, unsure of what I’m really feeling. In a way, there’s relief, but there’s also a twinge of guilt that fills me. We were never friends, we were both just using each other to get by and get high. I can’t help but feel like in a sense, I failed her. I could have done better, I could have done more, but I didn’t because I’m fucking selfish.
This arrangement between us, it was unrealistic and there was no future for the situation we were in. One of us was given an out and even though it came with death, in a way it’s a blessing. It’s time for us to go our separate ways. We can’t live this lifestyle forever and if one of us is going down, it sure as fuck isn’t going to be me.
And there’s no way in hell I’m letting her drag me back into the depths of rock bottom with her again.
Walking back to my bed, I sit back down on the mattress. The metal springs dig into my thighs as they strain against the thin fabric that holds them inside. Slowly lying on my back, I welcome the uncomfortable pain as they jab at my spine. I could get high and chase away the guilt, but instead I’m going to lay here and live it. Let the pain fester deep within my bones and feast upon my soul.
I’m self-destructive and anyone around me is sure to be smothered in the ash and smoke that is left in my wake. The only one who can see through the thick haze and survive the wreckage is Hadley. She lived through it once and she’ll live through it every time.
The only way to go from here is up and she is standing at the top of the stairs, holding her hand out for me to take.
It’s time for me to finally see through my own destruction and take her hand.
It’s time to let her be my lifeline and finally save myself.
29
Hadley
My night at work went faster than expected. The emergency department is typically busier in the evenings than it is during the day, so we were moving fast the entire time. I worked through my break, not that it would have been a long one anyway. They needed all the help that they could get on the floor, so it made more sense for me to just skip it. Any downtime wouldn’t have been good for me anyway.
Even with Ander back in my life, the future is never certain. He left without a second thought last time, how am I supposed to know that it won’t happen again?
He’s an addict who pumps his body full of poison on a regular basis. It’s like rolling the dice every time you shoot up. Overdoses can’t be predicted, but death is inevitable. Eventually, we will all succumb to our demise. The odds are stacked against addicts, though. Death tends to find them sooner in life.
Pushing the thoughts from my head, I quickly gather my stuff from the break room before heading outside to my car. As I slip inside, I pull out my phone. I type out a message to my dad, just to check in and let him know that I’m still in the land of the living. I forgot to text Ryland after last night, so I send him a message to let him know that everything’s fine.
I toss my phone into my cup holder and head out of the parking lot. Pulling out onto the street, I head straight to Ander’s, letting my heart take the wheel and lead the way. The anxiety boils in the pit of my stomach as I get closer to where he is. I can’t help it, but I expect nothing but the worst anymore. Ander had shown the ugliness of his addiction in the past and there’s no beauty in the painful truth of it all. I found his lifeless body once before. It’s only a matter of time before I find him the same way again.
My mind swarms as I drive mindlessly until I find myself pulling up out front of his house. I pull the car off to the side and put it in park in a rush. My hands shake as I tighten my grip on the steering wheel until my knuckles turn a stark white color. Nervously glancing around, my eyes find his front door just as it opens.
Exhaling, I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. Relief floods my body as I watch Ander pull the door shut behind him and walk down the steps. He moves slowly and his gait appears to be off as he ambles over to the car. His eyes meet mine through the windshield and a lazy smile falls on his lips as he moves to the passenger side.
“Hey,” he says quietly as he drops down into the seat beside me. I glance over at him, meeting his gaze. The blue depths of the ocean within his eyes swallow his pinpoint pupils whole. “How was work?”
I knew that he was going to be high, I expected this. So why does it still feel like he’s slowly
driving a sharp blade into my chest?
I swallow hard over the pain that builds within my throat. “It was good,” I answer honestly, struggling to fight away the shakiness of my voice. “How was—” I pause, collecting my thoughts on what the fuck I really want to ask him. “How was your evening?”
“It was good.” He smiles, but it abruptly falls from his face as his eyebrows pinch together. “Well, it was until Anya came back.”
My lips part slightly as I stare back at him, my eyes widening in shock. “Wait, she actually came back?”
Ander nods as he pulls a pack of cigarettes from the front pocket of his jeans. “I know, I was honestly surprised too. I didn’t think we’d see her for fucking weeks, if at all.”
“What did she say?” I ask him in a rush, throwing the car in drive. He plucks two cigarettes from the pack and hands one to me as he pinches his between his lips. Flicking his lighter, a flame comes to life and he brings it to the end of his cig as he draws the smoke deep into his lungs.
“She packed her shit and left.” He shrugs as he exhales and hands me the lighter. “According to her, it’s all my fault and in a nutshell, she wishes I would die too.”
Dropping his gaze, I pull the car back onto the street and light my cigarette. Silence settles around us as I mull over his words, sucking the toxins into my lungs. I’m at a loss for words. I mean, what can you really say back to that? It wasn’t his fault, but we all already know that. Anya thinks otherwise, but good luck trying to change the mind of someone who isn’t even in their right one.
“Where was she going?” I ask him quietly after a few minutes pass.
Ander shrugs as he stares at the side of my face. I keep my eyes on the road, but I see him slowly moving out of the corner of my eye. The softness of his palm touches the back of my hand as he reaches out to me. Instinctively, I flip my hand over in my lap. Ander slips his into mine, threading his fingers with mine. “I don’t really want to talk about her right now. Actually, I don’t know that I really want to talk about her ever.”
Black Clouds of Cotton (In Vein Series Book 2) Page 14