by Elks, Carrie
“But you can’t.” She finished his words for him. “I get it.” She pulled her foot from his grasp and turned onto her side, pulling her legs up in a fetal position. “I’m going to try and get some sleep. You should do the same.”
James stared at her for a moment, trying to work out how his suggestion had gone so catastrophically wrong. Even before he’d lain back down beside her, her breaths had begun to even out, as she slipped into a deep slumber.
He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. Just like always, he was messing everything up. And he had no idea how to make things right.
* * *
“Hey,” James said as he walked across the main hospital vestibule, heading for the reception desk. “You here on official business?”
Lucas glanced down at his standard firefighter’s uniform of utility pants and dark t-shirt emblazoned with ASFD across his chest. “Nah, I just clocked off, but we brought a kid in earlier and I wanted to find out how he was doing.” He shrugged. “According to the doctor his breathing is improving. They’re hoping to get him off the oxygen tomorrow.”
“Smoke inhalation?” James asked.
“Yeah. No burns, thankfully.”
James glanced at his watch. He should have finished half an hour ago, but that was life as a doctor. “Actually, do you have a minute? Maybe we could go grab a coffee.”
“Sure. Ember’s at her mom’s with the baby, I said I’d meet them there in an hour. A coffee first would be good.”
They took the elevator to the café on the fifth floor, ordering two Americanos with room before taking a seat by the window. James took a sip of his coffee, letting the bitter liquid warm his throat, as he tried to let his body relax.
It was tough. When he left the house this morning Harper was still asleep, so he’d written her a note and promised to call her at lunchtime. When he’d dialed her number right after twelve she hadn’t picked up so he’d left a voicemail. As of five minutes ago, she still hadn’t returned his call.
He’d messed up. Hurt her. And he hated it. But every time he tried to think of a way to make things better his body tensed up. Could he give her what she wanted? What she and the baby needed? Right now, he had no idea.
“How are Ember and the baby doing?” he asked Lucas, putting his coffee cup on the table in front of him.
“They’re good.” Lucas smiled. “Ember’s completely exhausted, of course, and it seems like Arthur’s going through a growth spurt every other week. But there’s nothing like going home after a hard day’s work and seeing your family. I love it.”
“I bet.”
“And how are you doing?” Lucas asked. “Are Harper and the baby okay?”
“Yeah.” James nodded. “They’re doing good.”
“She must be in the third trimester by now, right?”
“Thirty-two weeks. Almost thirty-three.”
Lucas took a sip of coffee. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Are you guys together? Or are you planning on co-parenting?” He rubbed his jaw with the pad of his thumb. “You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal.”
“It’s okay.” James traced his finger over the cracks in the table. “The reality is, I don’t know what we are. Originally we were going to co-parent, but now things are a little… messy.” He grimaced. “Mostly my fault, by the way.”
“What did you do?”
“I asked her to move in with me.”
Lucas chuckled. “Doesn’t sound messy. It sounds like you’re wanting a commitment.”
“Yeah, well that’s not the way it sounded to Harper. She thought I was asking her for convenience’s sake.”
“Whoa.” Lucas let out a low whistle. “How did you manage to mess that up?”
“I don’t know,” James admitted. “One minute I’m asking her to move in with me, the next she’s telling me it’s the most unromantic proposition she’s ever had.”
“Did you tell her how you feel about her?” Lucas asked him.
James frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I guess I’m asking how you asked her. It’s a pretty big thing moving in with someone. Now that people are getting married less, it’s kind of replaced a proposal as a declaration of your relationship.”
James drained his cup, the frown still furrowing his brow. “I screwed it up,” he told Lucas. “She was saying how hard it was going to be to fit everything in her apartment, and I told her I have plenty of space and she’s welcome to move in.”
“Jeez.” Lucas spluttered out some coffee. “Yeah, that sounds like a major screw up. Did you even tell her you want her there? Or were you just offering to rent her some rooms?”
“It wasn’t like that.” Or at least he hadn’t meant it to be. He blew out a mouthful of air, remembering the expression on Harper’s face when he’d made the offer. There was hurt in her eyes and it cut him to the core to know he was the one who’d put it there.
“Do you want her to move in?” Lucas asked, the corner of his lip turned down.
“Yeah.” James nodded. He wanted it all. He wanted what Lucas had – a family to go home to. He’d had it once and then lost it forever.
But Harper had given him a second chance.
“Yeah, I want it,” he said again, his voice clearer.
“Why?”
“Because she’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” He pictured her warm smile, her eyes that seemed to dance with amusement. “She’s beautiful, she’s funny, and she’s having my baby. I want her close where I can take care of her.”
“So why can’t you tell her that?”
James swallowed hard, even though his coffee was long gone. “Because…” He trailed off, trying to work through the confusion in his brain. With so many thoughts whirling around, it was almost impossible to see his way through. “Because I’m scared,” he finally admitted.
He was fucking terrified. For three years he’d lived a ghost of a life. Work, home, the occasional dinner with his parents or a friend. It was as though he’d tied an invisible barrier around himself, one that protected him from the intense, unbearable pain of losing everything he loved.
To remove that protection meant being vulnerable once more. And if he was honest, he wasn’t sure his heart could take it.
Sometimes the only way to protect yourself was to be isolated. To be an island.
“Is it about Sara and Jacob?” Lucas asked, his voice full of sympathy. “Because what happened to you… man… I can’t imagine how it must have felt. You’ve been through hell for the past three years. Lost everything you loved. It’s okay to be scared.” His voice dipped. “Do you feel guilty about moving on?”
James’s throat felt thick, as though it was closing up. “I do,” he admitted, his voice low. “And I should. They don’t get to move on, they don’t get to have another family. And here I am, asking another woman to move in with me.”
“That’s survivor’s guilt. It’s natural.” Lucas nodded. “I see it all the time in my line of work. But at some point you have to either work through it or let it go.”
“It’s the anniversary of their deaths on Saturday,” James told him. “Sara’s parents and sister are coming in for the day. They want us all to visit her grave.”
“Shit. I’m sorry.” Lucas’s eyes softened. “There are always reminders, huh?”
“Yeah.” James took a deep breath. “They have no idea about Harper or the baby.”
“You gonna tell them?”
“Not on Saturday.” James shook his head. “That would be cruel. They’re coming because of Sara. I’d break their hearts if I told them about the baby then.”
“But you need to tell them soon.”
“Yeah. And I will. I’ll speak to Sara’s sister when they’re back in Phoenix.” He rubbed his jaw with the heel of his hand.
“Maybe they’ll be happy for you,” Lucas suggested. “They can’t want you to be on your own forever. They know
you’re a young guy with his whole life to live.”
“I guess.”
“And so is Harper.” Lucas huffed out a laugh. “Not that she’s a guy, but she does have her life to live. And it’s partly up to you whether she does that with somebody else or with you.”
The thought of her being with somebody else was like a punch to the gut. Of her smiling at another guy the way she smiled at him. At their baby reaching for another guy, maybe even calling him Dad.
She was his. Even if she didn’t know it.
“I don’t want that,” he said, pressing his lips together.
“Well you may not have a choice.” Lucas shrugged. “You know what you don’t want, but what is it you do want? Once you work that out, the rest will follow.”
“Maybe.” James nodded. But the twist in his gut remained. Because even if he knew what he wanted, he had no idea how to make it happen.
22
“I don’t get it,” Caitie said, a frown pulling at her lips. “I thought you really liked him.”
“I do,” Harper agreed. “But we’ve never talked about making it official. Or about me moving in with him until now.”
They were walking down the beach on Saturday morning, carrying their coffees from Déjà Brew in their hands. Caitie was gripping Harper’s empty hand, anxiety pressing her fingers into Harper’s soft skin. What was a simple walk along the beach for most people was an ordeal for Harper’s best friend. Caitie had been afraid of the ocean for most of her life, but for the past year she’d been in therapy to try and control her phobia. This walk was recommended by her therapist – a half hour every week, as close to the water’s edge as she could manage without feeling uncomfortable.
Though it was off-season, the beach was still filling up with locals, and the azure of the ocean was dotted with surfers trying to catch the waves. Breck was one of them out there. Far enough away for Caitie not to use him as someone to lean on, close enough to be here if she started to panic.
When he’d spotted them on the shore he’d waved and gestured he was here if they needed him in the next half hour. That gave them long enough to walk to Paxton’s Pier and back, and maybe head back into Déjà Brew to grab one of those blueberry muffins.
“But you said no when he asked you to move in?” Caitie asked, taking a sip through the hole in the lid of her cup. She seemed grateful for the distraction of Harper’s messed up love life. “Don’t you want to be in a relationship with him?”
“I did. I mean, I do.” Harper shook her head. “You see how messed up I already am? Between growing a baby and growing a business I’m finding it hard to think straight.”
Caitie squeezed her hand. “Well let’s concentrate on one thing at a time. Why did you say no?”
“Because…” Harper sighed. “He made it sound like a business proposition. You need something, I have something, let’s make a deal.”
“Hoo boy.” Caitie whistled.
“Right? It’s not that I was expecting a declaration of undying love or anything. But a little emotion would have helped.”
A little boy ran in front of them, chasing a rolling ball. Caitie froze as he continued to the water’s edge. Harper automatically looked to the left to see if an adult was following him, relieved when she saw his mom running down the beach.
“Are you okay?” she asked Caitie.
“Yeah. Let’s just keep on walking. And talking. Did you tell him you wanted some emotion?”
They continued along the sand, their sandaled feet sinking as they walked. Caitie’s grasp on her hand didn’t loosen. “I said I wanted the fairytale.”
A laugh escaped from Caitie’s lips in spite of her anxiety. “What did he say?”
“He pretty much told me he couldn’t give me that.” Harper shrugged. “And then we went to sleep.”
“But that was two days ago. Have you talked since?”
Harper shook her head. “We haven’t had a chance. He had to work a double on Thursday, and then last night I had a late night meeting at the resort to run through the fashion show.” She sighed. “Not that I think it matters. I have no idea what to say to him.”
“Maybe that you’re in love with him?”
Harper stopped walking. “What?”
“Well aren’t you?”
“I…” Her mouth dropped open, her bottom lip trembling. “You think I’m in love with him?”
“Yeah, I do.” Caitie took a sip of her coffee. “There’s no need to look so scared about it. I’ve seen the way you smile whenever he’s around. The way you glow when his name is mentioned. And I’ve heard about the hot sex, so…” She shrugged. “I think this is it for you.”
Harper’s chest tightened. “But what if he doesn’t feel the same way?” she asked. “What if he doesn’t love me?”
All those childhood fears gripped hold of her. Those reminders that she wasn’t good enough for her mom to stay around, or for her grandma to give her praise. She was Harper Hayes, the girl who nobody wanted to keep around.
And it hurt so damn bad. She wasn’t sure she could take it again.
She took a deep breath. She wasn’t that girl anymore. She was a strong woman. One who had her own business, a child on the way, and a life to look forward to, no matter who was in it. And those memories? They needed to stay where they belonged, deep inside her.
In the past.
They’d almost reached Paxton’s Pier. Delmonico’s was already busting with customers eating brunch on the deck. The air was filled with the sound of their chatter. On her right, she heard the crashing of a wave against the shore, and she looked up to see Breck’s surfboard carry him in. Behind him, Harper could see Jackson and Griff sitting on their boards and waving. She lifted her hand to wave back.
“Hey,” Caitie called out, as Breck waded through the shallows. “That was good timing.”
“I aim to please.” He grinned, lifting his board out of the water. “How are you holding up.”
“Harper’s distracting me, so it’s all good.” Caitie glanced at her watch. “It’s been almost twenty minutes. That’s some kind of record, right?”
His eyes softened. “Baby, you’re doing great.” He looked at Harper. “You doing okay?”
She nodded. “I’m good.”
“No, she isn’t. She has guy problems.” Caitie pressed her lips together. “Hey, maybe you can give us a male perspective on this.”
“If it’s okay with Harper.” He planted the end of his board in the sand, and leaned against it, the breeze ruffling his damp hair.
“Yeah, it’s okay with me.” She welcomed it. Maybe he could make sense of what the heck was going on in James’s life.
“Okay, then,” Caitie said, her eyes catching Breck’s. “Why did you ask me to move in with you?”
“Because I couldn’t live without you.” He shrugged. “Is this a trick question?”
In spite of the location, Caitie melted. “You’re the sweetest talker, you know that?”
“You guys want me to leave?” Harper grinned.
“Nope. Sorry, I just got distracted for a moment. So, back to this problem.” Caitie shot her an apologetic glance. “How easy did you find it to tell me how you felt?”
“Before we moved in together? Or before we got together at all.”
“The last one.”
He shook his head, a smile playing at his lips. “She knows the answer to this already,” he told Harper. “I was terrified. Didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I kept kidding myself that I was being brotherly toward her. After all, she’s Lucas’s sister and he’s one of my best friends. There’s a code for that, you know?”
“The bro code,” Harper agreed. “Yeah, I’ve heard of it.”
“How long did it take you to tell me how you really feel?” Caitie continued, the smile still lifting her lips.
Harper knew some of the answer to this. Caitie had been her roommate for years, after all, giving Harper a ringside view to the push and pull of her friend’s
relationship with Brecken Miller. She’d had to watch silently – okay, maybe not so silently – as Caitie had pushed away her feelings for him, denying the attraction between them that was so obvious to everyone else.
But she’d never heard Breck’s side of the story. Intrigued, she turned her gaze on him.
“It took me months to pull my head out of my ass,” he admitted. “It wasn’t so much I was hiding my feeling as denying them. I didn’t want to admit to myself I’d fallen for you until I realized there was no other way.”
“Why didn’t you want to admit it?” Harper asked, her brows knitting together.
“Because I was scared.” He blinked away a droplet of water that had fallen from his hair into his eyes. “Is this about James? What’s happened?”
“He asked me to move in with him.”
“Okay…” Confusion fogged his eyes.
“But he made her feel as if it was for convenience’s sake,” Caitie added. “He didn’t tell her how he felt about her at all.”
Breck sighed. “Sounds like a guy. You want me to go beat him up for you?”
Harper smiled. “Nah. I like him the way he is. Without bruises.”
“Well the offer’s open.” He winked. “But seriously, from what I know of James, he’s had a lot to go through. I lost my mom years ago and it still affects me. I have no idea how awful it must be to lose your wife and child. Those scars don’t ever heal completely. They change your emotions, your outlook on life, your openness to other people. The kind of hurt he’s experienced is unimaginable. And his first thought is probably to do whatever it takes to never feel that way again.” He brought his soft gaze on Harper. “Including facing his feelings for you.”
Her chest tightened at his words. At the thought of James being in so much pain. She hated it. Wanted to smooth it away with her fingers, to curl herself around him and protect him from all of it.
But she couldn’t. Not if she wanted to protect herself, too. And now there was somebody else to think about. This baby growing inside of her. One day their daughter would want her father’s love. For him to be honest and open with his emotions. She curled her hand protectively against her bump, knowing she’d do whatever it took to make sure her baby never felt the rejection she’d had from a parent.