by Elks, Carrie
Harper waited for James to explain. To tell Sara’s sister about their baby, their relationship. Her chest ached as he looked from her and then back to Alice, his lips pressed together.
“It’s complicated,” he finally said. “I’ll explain later.” He barely glanced at Harper. “The new soap is in the bathroom cupboard. I’ll come up and show you.”
He was leaving? Harper couldn’t quite believe it. She watched as he walked over to where Sara stood at the bottom of the stairs. Waited for him to turn back, hold his hand out for her, and introduce her properly to the sister of his dead wife.
But instead he gave Harper a nod. “I’ll talk to you later.”
Blood rushed through her ears, dulling the sound of his footsteps as he led Alice back up the stairs. Harper stood there, alone, her hand cradling the baby, feeling the press of a hand against her own. Her cheeks burned with the rejection, her throat so tight she was finding it hard to breathe.
Had he really just walked out and left her? She felt like the little girl she’d once been, watching at the window as her mom stepped into the car of yet another boyfriend. Harper had pressed her nose against the glass and prayed her mom would turn around, come back and tell her she wasn’t really leaving.
But she always left. And Harper was always the forgotten child. The memory of it was like a knife to her chest. When she’d left home at the age of eighteen she’d sworn she’d never feel like this again. Unwanted, ignored, neglected.
Yet here she was, letting the man she’d fallen for make her feel worse than she’d ever felt in her life. The worst part was she’d let him. Let him pretend she was nobody, dismiss her like she was just some friend he’d met along the way. Maybe she wasn’t the strong woman she’d thought she was.
She’d let herself down. And that was the worse betrayal of all.
* * *
James glanced at the basement door, pressing his lips together to stop himself from swearing. Because, shit, he’d been an idiot. He wanted to punch himself for putting Harper in that position. And Alice, too. He should have known something like this would happen. Just when it felt like his life was back on an even footing something came along to sabotage it.
No, not something. Someone. In this case, himself. Why the hell hadn’t he spoken to Alice or her parents about Harper and the baby before now?
Because you didn’t want to upset them. Or for them to think you were moving on too quickly.
Yeah, well that ship had well and truly sailed. There was nothing for it. He needed to speak to Alice and her parents now. And then somehow make it up to Harper. He shook his head at the memory of her face when she realized Alice didn’t even know who she was.
What kind of man did that make him?
“I need to explain something to you,” James said to Alice in a low voice as they walked along the hallway. “And then I need you to help me tell your parents without upsetting them any more.”
“Explain what?” Alice asked him. “Is it about your friend?”
“Harper? Yeah.” He nodded. His stomach still felt twisted, as though a pair of invisible hands were wringing it tightly. “But she’s not just my friend. She’s more than that.”
“You’re in a relationship?”
“We are.” God, he wished he could define it more than that. But that’s what not wanting to open yourself up got you. A mess of a life that you couldn’t figure out how to fix.
“And the baby?”
“It’s mine.”
“Oh god, James.” Alice let out a ragged sigh. “I didn’t expect…”
“Of course you didn’t. And I’m sorry I have to tell you like this. I should have warned you if nothing more.”
“How far along is she?”
“Seven months.”
“And you didn’t think to tell us? To warn us? Were you going to have the baby and keep it a secret?” He watched as her expression changed, her eyes blinking too fast, her bottom lip trembling. “I don’t understand.”
“I was planning on telling you. Just not today when everything was so heightened. I know you wanted today to be about Sara and Jacob.”
“When then?” She shook her head. “When were you going to tell us? It’s not as if it’s a new thing. She’s seven months pregnant. In two months you’re going to have a child, James, and you’ve hidden it from us. What did you think we were going to do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t…” He rubbed his jaw with the heel of his hand. “I didn’t want you to find out like this. I know it must be a shock, with everything that happened with Sara and Jacob.”
“It’s a shock because you lied to us. Didn’t you think we might bump into her while we were here? Or that I might see something on social media? When were you planning to tell us? When the baby started Kindergarten?” Her eyes flashed. “Or were you not going to say anything at all?”
“Alice? Do you have the soap, sweetheart?” her mom called out from the bathroom, her voice as thin as paper.
“I’m coming, Mom.” Alice met James’s gaze, her eyes full of anger. “I think we should leave,” she told him. “I can’t go out to eat and pretend everything’s okay. I’ll see if we can catch an earlier flight home.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“Actually, I think we do.”
Behind him, he heard a click. He frowned, whipping around to see the blurred image of Harper through the glass front door. Where was she going? He looked at Alice. “I need to go speak to her.”
“Alice?” her mom called again. “What’s happening?”
“Nothing, Mom.” Alice glared at him again. “I’ll be right in.” She lowered her voice as she spoke to James. “You go do what you need to do, and then you can come back and explain.”
He was already halfway down the hall. His pulse sped as he reached for the front door, yanking it open and running onto the porch. Harper was climbing into her car, and he called out to her. “Wait up!”
It was as though he hadn’t said anything. She climbed into the car and pulled the door shut behind her. He reached the bottom of the stairs and ran across the blacktop. “Harper, stop.”
But she was already starting her car, the engine sparking to life. He pulled at the door knob, but she’d already locked it.
“Are you okay?” he shouted above the rumble of the engine, even though he knew she wasn’t. “Let me talk to you, explain things. This can’t be good for the baby.”
Her hands trembled as she shifted the car into reverse, her knuckles bleaching as she grasped onto the wheel. He rapped on the window. “Harper,” he called. “Please.”
Her eyes slowly met his. And what he saw in them almost killed him; hurt, anger, and worse than anything, betrayal. He’d done this to her. He’d hurt her.
He stood as still as a statue as she pulled away from him, maneuvering the car out of the driveway and onto the road. As the last traces of fumes dissipated into the afternoon air, he could feel his body ache with the knowledge that this was all his fault.
Hurt people hurt people, wasn’t that what they said? But he was beyond hurt. He was broken. And now he’d broken the one thing he cared about the most.
* * *
“I feel so stupid,” Harper muttered, her hands curled around her coffee cup, the warm china hot against her palms. “I’d built this thing up into my mind until it was real. I really believed he wanted what I did.”
“What did you want?” Ember asked softly. They were sitting in her cottage, which Harper had driven right to upon leaving James’s house. Caitie and Breck were away, and she couldn’t think of anybody else to talk to. And she didn’t want to be alone.
Not again.
“What everybody else wants,” Harper said, her voice small. “A family.”
Ember’s face crumpled as she cradled Arthur tightly. “Oh sweetie.”
Harper took a deep breath, but it did nothing to calm her nerves. The tears that had spilled as soon as she’d driven away from James had dried on
her cheeks, making her skin feel salty and sticky. Her eyes filled again as she remembered the way he’d hidden her. Like she was some guilty secret he didn’t want Sara’s family to discover.
“I wanted it so bad, I ignored all the signs,” Harper said, lifting her hand to wipe a tear from her cheek. “I really thought I could give this baby everything I never had. Two parents who wanted her. Who loved her. Who’d never make her feel like this.”
“She has two parents who love her,” Ember said, her voice gentle. “She does.”
“But what good is that when she goes to Kindergarten and finds out she’s the only one whose parents don’t live together? I don’t want her to be the kid who has to sit alone while everybody else’s father comes to the classroom for donuts with dad’s day. I don’t want her to cry because she feels so left out. I want her to have everything I didn’t have.” She took a deep breath. “And I’ve failed her.”
“No you haven’t,” Ember said firmly. “You haven’t failed her at all. You’ve done nothing but think of her for the past seven months. I’m a first grade teacher, want to know how many of my kids don’t have parents who are together any more? At least half of them. So don’t start beating yourself up over that.” She leaned forward, moving Arthur until he was resting in the crook of her left arm, taking Harper’s hand in her right. “You of all people should know it’s not where you’ve come from that matters, but where you’re going.”
Harper took a ragged breath. “I just thought I’d worked it out this time. I really believed in the fairytale, you know?”
“The fairytale?”
“The one where you meet your Prince Charming, get knocked up by him, and then somehow you both fall in love.” Harper sighed. “I sound like such an idiot. You don’t need to tell me.”
“You’re not an idiot. And for the record, fairytales suck. You ever read a real one? Not the Disney version, but as they were originally written? In Cinderella, the ugly stepsisters chop off their feet and have their eyes pecked out. The Little Mermaid gets left by the prince and pines for him forever in the ocean.” Ember grimaced. “Seriously, don’t ever aim for the fairytale.”
Harper smiled through her tears. “Why doesn’t that make me feel any better?”
“Because you’re hurt and you’re scared, and you’ve forgotten you’re a strong woman who’s going to become an amazing mother to your baby. Maybe you got so entranced by the fairytale you forgot who you are.”
Harper blinked away a stray tear.
“Seriously,” Ember continued. “Look at you. In the past seven months you’ve lost your job and built an empire. You’ve gotten knocked up and somehow managed to not only track down the father but build a friendship with him. And you’ve moved to this beautiful town where you know everybody has your back. You’re winning at life, even if you don’t know it.”
Harper wanted to believe every word. But the voice in her head was too loud. Telling her she was exactly what her grandmother had told her she’d become. What her mother showed her she was by walking out on her time and time again.
Unwanted. Forgotten. A little girl lost.
Her phone buzzed on the arm of her chair. Harper glanced at it to see James’s name lighting up the screen.
“Do you want to get that?” Ember asked her.
Harper shook her head. “I’m not ready to talk to him yet.”
“He probably just wants to explain.” Ember smiled. “Maybe you should let him.”
“I will. Just not right now.” Harper slid her thumb across the screen to reject the call. “I think I’m going to head home and get some sleep. The baby and I have had enough excitement for one day. I’m exhausted.” She slid her phone into her pocket and leaned over to hug her friend, being careful not to squash Arthur. “Thank you,” she whispered. “For being here and letting me talk.”
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like. There’s no rush for you to leave.”
“You’re very sweet.” Harper nodded. “But I should go home. It’s been a hell of a long day.” She thought of those half-finished dresses still hanging in James’s basement. Another reason she’d need to talk to him, if there weren’t a million more important ones.
“Okay. Sleep should help. And hopefully things will look better in the morning.” Ember squeezed her hand. “If you need anything call me. Day or night. The likelihood is I’ll be awake anyway.”
Harper smiled. “Something else for me to look forward to.”
“Being a mom is worth every minute of the sleepless nights.” Ember kissed the top of Arthur’s head. “You’ll find that out, too. Soon enough.”
Yeah, she would, and the thought of it didn’t scare her. Instead it made her feel warm inside. Whatever happened, this baby growing inside her was more important than anything else. Harper was damned sure her child was going to know that.
“Thank you,” she said again, pulling her keys from her purse. “And there’s no need to get up and see me out. Arthur looks way too comfortable right there.”
Ember snuggled him in closer. “If you’re sure you’re okay…”
“I am.” She hugged her one last time. “I’ve got this. Or at least I will after some sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Be sure you do.” Ember winked. “Sweet dreams.”
25
For the first time in days, sleep came easy for Harper. Maybe it was sheer exhaustion, or more likely her mind just didn’t want to think any more. It was like an engine that had been over used and had finally burnt out.
When she woke the next morning, her eyes were stuck together with sleep. She slowly opened them and licked her dry lips, wrinkling her nose at the taste of her own morning breath.
Slowly the memories of yesterday returned. Sara’s sister, James’s denials, her own shocked response. Groaning, she sat up and checked her phone for the first time, pressing her lips together when she saw she had ten missed calls.
Her stomach jumped as the baby kicked her. She rubbed the spot at the top of her belly where a foot was still poking out. “You have big feet,” she whispered, feeling the outline of a heel. “You must take after your daddy with that.”
As if she could hear her, the baby shifted, making the skin on Harper’s abdomen ripple. She was so used to it now, that it was going to be strange after the baby was born and she was no longer sharing space with her tiny body.
That’s when the fun would really begin.
The baby jabbed her again, as if to get her attention, but at the exact same moment her phone began to vibrate. It was James, again. With a deep breath she picked it up and accepted his call.
“Hello.”
“Harper? Are you okay? I’ve been worried about you.”
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls. I’ve been asleep since five last night. I was going to call you as soon as I got up.”
“I’m going into an emergency surgery in half an hour. I just wanted to talk to you. Hear your voice.”
She wasn’t sure what to say to that. It was weird how calming his voice was in her ear. And yet it made her edgy, too. As though she didn’t trust her own responses.
It was crazy how alluring that fairytale could be.
“Good luck with the surgery,” she finally said.
“Are you working in the basement today? Maybe we can talk when I get home.”
“I’m moving my things to my apartment today. I’ll probably be gone by the time you get home. It’s time I gave you your space back and started working from my home.”
“But you haven’t finished decorating.”
“No, but it’ll be fine.”
“What about the space? Won’t you be cramped with everything there? You know you’re welcome to work at my place for as long as you want.”
It felt as though somebody was squeezing her heart so tightly it hurt. He was being kind, she knew he was. But she didn’t want kindness. She wanted love. She wanted him to beg her to stay because he missed her and wante
d her with him. Not because she might run out of space.
“It’s fine,” she said firmly, ignoring the ache in her chest. “I’ve got it covered.”
“Okay.”
There. The voice in her head said. Do you believe me now? He’s not even going to fight for you.
She shook her head to dislodge the thought. She was better than that. “Maybe we can talk on Friday,” she suggested. “If you still want to come for my ultrasound.”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be there.”
That gave her five days to get over herself. To start acting like the mature mother she was supposed to be. “I should get up,” she said. Not knowing how to end the conversation. “Good luck with your surgery.”
“Thanks. Take it easy moving your things. No heavy lifting. I’m happy to help when I get home.”
“Thank you,” she said softly, already knowing she wouldn’t take him up on his offer.
He wanted to be her knight in shining armor. She wanted him to be her Prince Charming. But neither of those things were good for her. Right now all she needed from James Tanner was for him to be the best dad he could ever be to their baby.
She knew from experience he had that handled.
* * *
James stared down at his hands as he scrubbed the antiseptic soap into his skin, being careful to cover every inch. Ten strokes to each side of the thumb, then to each of his fingers with the sterile sponge, before moving up to the base of his hands and his forearms. With a disposable pick he cleaned under his nails, throwing the blue stick into the trash can beside him.
One of the first things they’d taught at medical school was how to wash your hands properly. Now it was second nature, but he still paid attention. His patients’ lives depended on it. Each scrub lasted five minutes – and every member of the surgical team did the same thing. Infection control was key when it came to the operating room.