by Elks, Carrie
“I do.” He nodded. “I want us to be together. But only if you’re willing to give that to me. And if you can’t, that’s okay, too. You taught me to live again, Harper. But now I’ve had a taste of life, I don’t ever want to go back to the darkness. If you only want to be friends – co-parents – I’ll take it.” He raised a brow. “Even if it’ll kill me.”
She took a moment to absorb his words, feeling hope rise up in her like it never had before. “What about Sara and Jacob?”
“I’ll always love them,” James told her. “How could I not? But another thing I’ve learned is that humans are capable of more love than I ever realized was possible. Sara and Jacob will always be in my heart, but now you and Alyssa are there, too.”
She pressed her lips together in an attempt to stem the tears. She wanted to believe. She did. But there was fear, too. James was a good man, he’d always try to do the right thing. How could she be sure he wasn’t doing that now?
As a child she’d been a burden. To her mother, her grandmother, to anybody who had to take care of her. It had hurt to know she could be left behind so easily by her mom, always in search of the next guy around the corner. But maybe it had been her grandmother who’d done the worst damage by showing her she wasn’t good enough. She needed to work harder, be prettier, to push down her natural ebullience and be quiet and graceful instead. Her grandmother hadn’t wanted Harper. She’d wanted a different child.
Somebody Harper could never be.
“What if I’m not as good as Sara?” she whispered to him. “What if I drive you crazy?”
He grinned at her, rocking Alyssa in a gentle rhythm against his chest. “I love your crazy. I love the way you get so passionate about everything. I even love the way you work yourself to the bone to get things done. I’d never compare you to Sara, or compare this gorgeous girl to Jacob. I don’t need to, because you’re both everything I want, exactly the way you are.”
“What if Alyssa grows up to be like me? Then you’ll be surrounded by crazy.”
“I can’t think of anything I’d love more. I want you with me, Harper. And our baby. I want to be with you in every way. Not because we have a child together, although that’s amazing. But because you’re you. Beautiful, funny, and talented, but most of all, you’re full of love. I can’t imagine life without you and I don’t want to try.”
“You’re making me cry again.”
“I’m hoping this is the last time I make you cry. From now on all I want is your smiles.”
Alyssa let out a wail. It wasn’t loud, the way Harper had expected a baby to sound. More like a tiny bird than a child. But still, her sweet face screwed up as she cried, her hands curling into fists.
“She looks like you when she’s angry,” Harper whispered.
James grinned. “Maybe she’ll be the best of both of us.” He rocked her again, but her crying increased. “I think she wants you,” he said softly. “You ready for her, Mom?”
Harper nodded. He stood and gently lifted Alyssa back into her arms. The baby began to snuffle against her, her mouth sucking against her skin.
“She’s hungry,” James told her. “Maybe we should try feeding her.”
“I’m not sure how.”
“You want me to call in the nurse? Or I can help you? I think I remember the basics from clinical rotations.”
“I’d like you to help,” Harper said firmly.
She looked down at the baby as he positioned Alyssa’s face against her breast. “She might need some extra support, being so tiny,” he whispered. “Wait until she opens her mouth really wide, then gently pull her on to your nipple. Don’t hold her head too close. You might have to work a little to get the right position.”
Harper did as he instructed, watching with wide eyes as Alyssa latched on, her mouth instinctively moving as she suckled against her. James slid a pillow beneath Alyssa to support her body and Harper’s arms. “Are you comfortable?” he asked her.
“Yeah.” She grinned up at him. “Look at me. I’m really doing this. I’m feeding my baby.” She looked up at him. “Our baby,” she corrected herself.
“Yeah, you are,” he said, his voice thick. “And you’re doing it perfectly.”
She took a deep breath, letting the joy fill her up. “I want this,” she told him, ignoring the fear that was trying to overtake her certainty. “I want you, the same way you want me. I want you to be my friend, my partner. My lover.” She smiled at him. “You’re not the only one who’s been brought back to life. Since the day I first met you my life’s changed for the better in every way. Even if I didn’t know it at the time.”
He blinked, hope sparking in his eyes. “You want us?”
She nodded slowly. “I do. I love you, James Tanner. And I want us to be together. A family.” She smiled down at Alyssa. “If you’ll have us.”
He leaned forward, pressing his lips against hers in a soft kiss. “Yes I want you,” he whispered against her mouth. “You and Alyssa. And I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you both by my side.”
30
A little while later, once Alyssa was fast asleep and Harper was taking a shower with the assistance of a nurse, James walked out to the waiting room to see if anybody was still there. As soon as he pushed the door open, he could hear the loud sounds of conversation and laughter, then he could see them – his parents, his friends, Harper’s friends, too. At least twenty people were squeezed into the small room, their faces filled with expectation when they saw him.
“Um hi,” he said, bemused at all the stares.
“Congratulations, sweetheart,” his mom said, walking forward to hug him. “How’re Harper and the baby?”
“Alyssa’s fine. She’s asleep. Maybe you can come in and see her later,” he told her, hugging her back. “And Harper’s taking a shower. When we’re all ready I’ll call you in to see her.”
“Do you have a picture of Alyssa?” His mom’s eyes lit up.
“Uh, yeah.” Harper had insisted on taking one of him as he held his daughter, her tiny body cradled in his big hands. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down, passing his phone to his mom. “There she is.”
“Oh.” Louise clutched the phone to her chest. “She’s so beautiful. Is that blonde hair I see?”
“Yeah, though it’s as fine as anything. It’ll probably fall out before it grows again.”
His mom passed his phone to his dad, who passed it to Deenie. From the corner of his eye he could see everybody squeezing around to take a look. Pride burst out of him at their coos and as they told him how beautiful she was.
His daughter was perfect. The child he’d made with Harper. His heart filled with love for her all over again.
For both of them.
“Congratulations, man,” Lucas said, slapping his shoulder. “She’s gorgeous.”
“How’s Harper feeling?” Ember asked him.
“Sleepy. Painful. But mostly happy.” James grinned. The urge to walk back to her room came over him. To check she was still there, still okay. Would it always be like this? As though he was constantly drawn to her, like a magnet pulling him near.
“And how about you?” Ember asked, her eyes shining. “Are you holding up okay?”
Somebody passed the phone back to him – he had no idea who. There were too many people jostling around. He looked at the image on the screen, and swallowed hard. Alyssa Jay. He could still remember the warmth of her against his skin. “I’m more than okay. I’m damned ecstatic.”
“She’s so beautiful,” Ember said wistfully. “And tiny, too. Look at those little fingers.”
“Maybe she’ll grow up and fall in love with Arthur,” Ally said, leaning to glance at James’s phone. “Wouldn’t that be sweet?”
“No,” James said firmly. “She’s going to stay little forever. No boyfriends, no going out. Nothing.”
Ally laughed. “Oh boy, you have so much to look forward to. Just ask Nate what it’s like having a teenage daughter.�
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The door on the far side of the waiting room opened, and Caitie walked in, carrying a tray of coffees. Dangling from her hand was a bag full of pastries. “I’m going to take one of these in to Harper,” she said. “You guys can fight over the rest.” She grabbed a cup and pastry and walked to where James was standing. “You doing okay, Daddy?”
Ally laughed. “Don’t ever let me hear you call him Daddy again, okay? That’s reserved for couples. Or, you know… kids.”
Caitie wrinkled her nose. “Eww. You know what I meant.”
James shook his head. “I’m good. And Harper’s getting cleaned up. She’ll be glad to see you. And the pastries.” He looked around the room. “She’s going to need the energy to deal with these guys.”
Caitie grinned. “Sadly, they didn’t have any blueberry muffins, but maybe now that she’s not pregnant she won’t like them any more.” Caitie buzzed at the entrance to the maternity ward, walking through once the door automatically opened.
“I should head back, too,” James told them. “Thank you all for being here. I’ll come get you as soon as Harper’s ready.”
“We’re proud of you, son.” His dad shook his hand. “We can’t wait to meet your little girl.”
James felt his body suffuse with warmth as he headed back to the maternity ward. He was looking at his phone again. At Alyssa. Maybe that’s why he didn’t see Rich standing there, and all but bumped into him.
“Hey,” Rich said, slapping him on the back. “I just heard about the baby. Congratulations. Is everything okay?” He pulled at the hem of his scrubs. “I would have checked before but I was in surgery.”
“Everything’s great. Harper’s perfect. Alyssa’s perfect.”
“That’s her name? Pretty.”
“Yeah it is.” James showed Rich his phone. “That’s her. Alyssa Jay.”
Rich leaned forward a huge grin on her face. “You’re a lucky guy.”
“Yeah, I am. The luckiest.” James couldn’t hide the grin on his face. “She’s just so tiny, you know? So perfect. All those itty-bitty fingers and toes. And her lips are just like Harper’s. Her nose, too.”
“Lucky for her.” Rich winked. “But seriously, I’m so happy for you. Enjoy this, you deserve it.” He put his arm around James’s back again, giving him a bro hug. “Don’t mess it up, okay?”
“I don’t intend to. They’re my family. I’m going to take care of them.”
“Both of them?” Rich lifted an eyebrow.
“Yeah. Both of them.” He lifted his hand in goodbye. “I’ll catch you later, okay? Maybe arrange for a time for you to meet the baby?”
“Sounds perfect. And James?”
“Yeah?”
“Sara would be proud of you. And happy for you, too.”
James swallowed hard, unable to dislodge the lump in his throat. “Thanks, that means a lot.”
* * *
Caitie was waiting for her when Harper emerged from the bathroom, her body freshly scrubbed, her hair damp from washing. The aroma of coffee and pastries filled the air and made her stomach gurgle. “Is that what I think it is?” she asked.
“Decaf latte and a pastry. There were no muffins left, so I hope this is okay.”
“It’s perfect.” Harper grabbed the pastry and tore off a chunk with her teeth. “Sorry for being so disgusting,” she said once she swallowed. “But I could eat a damn horse.”
“Haven’t you had anything since I left?”
“Oh, I’ve had loads. James grabbed me some chocolate from the machine outside, and the nurse brought me a sandwich. But my stomach just feels so empty, you know?”
“It is empty.” Caitie grinned. “You haven’t got a baby in there any more. Talking of which…” She looked around. “Where’s Alyssa?”
“They took her to the nursery while I showered. They’ll bring her back in a minute.”
“Are you keeping her with you all the time while you’re here?” Caitie asked.
“Yep. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t.” Harper swallowed a mouthful of coffee.
“I hate to break it to you, but sleep isn’t going to be on your agenda for the next few months if what Ember tells me is true.”
Harper laughed. “So I hear. But I’m hoping Alyssa turns out to be the perfect baby. A really quiet one at night.” She sat on the bed, Caitie beside her.
“I can’t believe you’re a mom,” Caitie told her. “Sometimes I feel like I’m still in college, and here’s you, responsible for another life.”
“It feels weird,” Harper agreed. “But right, too. I’m not scared of the responsibility. I’m glad I’ve got her. I’m so happy to be her mom. It’s like I’ve been waiting for this all my life.”
“You’re a natural.” Caitie smiled. “James is, too. I just saw him in the waiting room showing Alyssa’s picture to everybody.”
“I think he’s fallen for her as much as I have.” Harper traced the pattern on her gown with the pad of her finger. “He told me he loved me. That he wants us to be a couple.”
Caitie caught her eye. “Of course he did. He’d be a fool not to. You should see the way he looks at you every time he thinks nobody’s looking. I know love when I see it.”
“You think he loves me?” Harper grinned widely. “Do you?”
“Yes I do. It’s in his eyes, that’s where you see it. There’s a soft look he only gets when he looks at you.” She pulled her lip between her teeth, remembering. “And I saw it again when Alyssa was born and he was staring at her. He’s got it bad, even if he keeps messing things up.”
“I keep messing them up, too.”
“You just need to believe. Not just in him but in yourself. It’s weird because you’re so certain of yourself in every other aspect than relationships. I’ve never seen anybody more confident about their work than you. But when it comes to love it’s like you have an Achilles’ heel. As if you feel you don’t deserve it or something.”
Harper swallowed at her friend’s words – Caitie had hit the nail on the head. “I don’t feel like that anymore,” she told her. “Or at least I’m trying not to. I’m going to keep working until I never feel like it again. I want Alyssa to grow up being confident in everything, and I’m going to show her how.”
Caitie smiled. “I know you will. She’s going to love you as much as I do. More, maybe. If that’s possible.”
Was it? Harper had no idea, but she couldn’t wait to find out. All she knew was that here in the hospital, with her body full of exhaustion and pain, she’d never felt happier in her life. And she was determined to make it last.
* * *
“Look at her,” Louise said, cradling Alyssa in her arms. “She’s such a beautiful baby.” She looked up at Harper, her face beaming. “You must be so proud.”
Proud didn’t begin to cover it. In awe was closer. Every time she looked at Alyssa she fell even more in love. With her pink skin and blue eyes, and tiny hands that gripped so tightly, she was perfect in every way.
“I am,” Harper said, grinning. “Having her here almost makes up for the painful labor. And the morning sickness. And the cravings…”
James’s mom laughed. “Oh, you’ve got a lifetime of excitement ahead of you. One thing’s for sure, your life will never be the same again.”
“That’s what we’re hoping for,” James said, sitting next to Harper on the bed and sliding his arm around her waist. “I kind of like this new life.”
Harper turned to look at him, her gaze soft. “I do, too,” she whispered. Every word was true. It was already impossible to imagine life without this tiny little human in it. And though she was patiently letting everybody have a cuddle with her baby, Harper was already happiest when Alyssa was in her arms. Asleep and safe, her tiny mouth opening and closing like a sleeping fish.
She was everything.
Louise’s phone buzzed and she rolled her eyes. “I keep getting messages congratulating me, as though I had anything to do with this little angel comi
ng into the world.” She kissed the tip of Alyssa’s nose. “I told them they should be congratulating you, Harper. You did the hard work.” She pulled her lip between her teeth. “Have you heard from your mom?”
Harper swallowed and shook her head. “No. I haven’t told her.” She hadn’t told her grandmother either. Neither of them deserved to know, and she wasn’t ready to spoil this day by talking to them and letting them make her feel small. Better to send a birth announcement the old fashioned way.
“I’m so sorry about your family,” Louise said, carrying Alyssa back over to where Harper was sitting. Louise slid her back into Harper’s waiting arms, and immediately she felt better. “I can’t understand how they could treat you that way.”
“It’s okay,” Harper said. For the first time in her life it really was. “I have Alyssa now.”
“And us. You have us,” Louise told her. “You’re part of our family. And as James will tell you, that means you’ll be spoiled a lot. We take care of our own, and that includes the two of you.” She kissed Harper’s cheek. “I’m not your mother, but I’ll always be here for you.”
Harper blinked back the tears. “Thank you.”
“Hey, did somebody say family?” Caitie asked, standing in the doorway. “Because there’s a huge line of people out here wanting to see you guys. It’s worse than Disney out here.”
Their friends were all crowding in behind her. Ember and Lucas, Ally and Brooke, along with some of the models from the fashion show and James’s doctor friends. Harper turned to James and smiled when she saw his expression. He was staring at Alyssa with a look of wonder.
“Are you ready to see them now?” Caitie asked her, and Harper nodded. She was more than ready. She was surrounded by her family in the small town that she’d come to love, and she couldn’t be happier.
With Alyssa in her arms and James by her side it felt like she’d finally come home.
* * *
“I think that’s everything.” Harper looked around her hospital room as James picked up the car seat. Alyssa was safely strapped in, her eyes wide as James held her mid-air. “Are you sure I need to be wheeled out in that?” she asked, nodding at the wheelchair.