To the Paris of our dreams

by Tomas Goncalves

  One day the boy met another girl. That had been years now, only making mistake after mistake, because the boy had forgotten how to be just... the boy he'd always been.

  Not only this new girl, but several other people got hurt for being around the boy along the way.

  He just couldn't stand it, being on and off with someone like that. The problem had never being together or not: they seemed to be attracted to each other like magnets.

  She was passionate about music. About life, about her friends, and about her dreams. She was too much alike the young boy.

  She had so much love inside of her. He felt like she needed saving. She needed someone to help her accept the love she had inside of her.

  But soon enough he found out he had screw it up once again.

  Chance after chance, he had blew it. He hadn`t been able to empathize with her, he hadn`t been able to talk to her, he hadn`t been able to make clear to her how bad he cared about her. He hadn't been able to show her how, yes, he was still the boy she had fell in love with.

  Now she was saying she didn't want to be around him anymore.

  Once again, he wasn’t a man. He was a boy. A boy who couldn't understand why we do those things to each other.

  He was especially confused about how he had been able to do all of that to other people: He never meant to hurt anyone like that, he had just tried to stop getting stepped on his head.

  He had gotten better because once again in his life he had felt connected to something. Connected to people around him. Connected to that girl. Something had made sense.

  In a matter of months, that was gone. Now that he had tried to make things right again with that girl, it seemed like he had just messed it up for good. She seemed to have reached her limit.

  He was tired of thinking. He was tired of not being enough. He was tiring of always having to control himself and he had gotten extremely tired at once about being who he was and how that would never let him have some peace.

  After watching that girl leave, all these thoughts flooded his mind and his heart with pain and desperation. The boy felt like he couldn't breathe again.

  He, too, got off the table and left, very slowly. He got on his car and he drove around the city, thinking about his life. Thinking about all their problems.

  He went to the darkest place in that city that he knew. There were a couple of people there who could sell him exactly what his blood had been longing for weeks. All those question, all that pain, all that emptiness would go away again. He would be able to breathe again.

  The boy got out of the car and crossed the street. His head was hurting.

  On the other side of the street he walked for around twenty meters, until someone caught his attention.

  Hi, my friend. Could you help me with some change, please? - It was a homeless, who was sitting on the ground against a building. The boy had almost stepped on him without realizing it.

  Excuse me? - He froze for a second

  I'm hungry, my friend. I'm really hungry… Please...

  Oh... - He looked at the homeless. He was an old Arab, with a white beard.

  In that second, the boy felt extremely ashamed about what he was going to do. So he decided he wouldn't. He decided to do the right thing, no matter what.

  - Sure, my friend … - He got his wallet, and without counting, he gave every single penny he had to that homeless.

  - … Oh my god... Thank you so much, sir - The homeless guy seemed to be in shock. When he spoke again, he had tears in his eyes – God bless you, sir. God bless you...

  - You're welcome. Take care, my friend … God bless you – He was not religious, but somehow he felt it was the right thing to say at that moment.

  When the boy turned around to leave, he still heard the old man saying something to him in Arab, which as far as he could guess/know, meant “God bless” or something pretty similar to that.

  He turned around, smiled at the old man and then he went home.

  Days later at the school, when he was already feeling pretty bad for not having any news from that girl, someone told him that the girl was in the auditorium.

  The auditorium was locked, but there was still one door (for exclusively use of the staff, that almost nobody knew where it was) that was open.

  He walked in in the auditorium pretty slowly and quietly, but the girl wasn't there.

  The boy sat, and resented the fact that he was probably late: she was gone already, although there was a lot of notes and a bag near the piano...

  He sat there and waited for the time to pass.

  Minutes later, the girl with the hair on fire appeared with a bottle of water on stage. She didn’t notice him, far back in the auditorium, without any light to show his presence.

  She was practicing the piano. She sat on the tiny bench, read her notes for a couple of minutes, and then she started to play.

  From the second before she started to play, he knew that that music was going to touch his soul. He just knew it.

  She started to play, and every single atom of his body got hypnotized by that song: It started slowly, very slowly. But soon it got faster, and you could already feel the intensity of that song. How much loneliness and pain was in that.

  Then it got a bit hopeful. A tiny bit contempt, almost happy.

  It soon got lonely again. And confused, slowly, as if she was trying to tell their stories through that song. Her story.

  All the problems they faced, all the tensions, all the intensity. All the love, and all the hope.

  All the fear, and all the magic. All the mistakes and all the sadness.

  When she was done, she took a minute to breathe. It was probably the tenth time she was practicing that song, and now it had been perfect. Flawless.

  He couldn't leave that chair for minutes. Even after she left, he was still there, drowning on this exhaustion that seemed to be very peaceful. That seemed to be giving him some perspective.

  He didn't know what to do.

  The boy didn't know what to do.

 

 

  Eric didn't get any sign of Marie in the two weeks that followed. He was feeling dead inside.

  He wanted to see her: He wanted to know if she had meant everything she said. He just felt like … hitting the rock bottom.

  Tell her he would say anything: He just needed her by his side. He needed her. He was sure he could still be that boy he once was. He was sure they could still be happy together.

  He called her a couple of times, but no answer, and in that situation where they all were, people barely speaking to each other, it seemed like she had evaporated in the air, just like Tom and Alice.

  People were vanishing in the air those days.

  He was also barely seeing his brother or even Mike in the apartment, and when they did see each other, everyone was always busy, distracted, quiet, distant, closed or in their phones texting people Eric didn't even know. Nobody seemed to be able to stay away from their phones.

  They were avoiding each other, and what Eric could have said? He probably was the one that started this whole thing of avoiding people anyways. Mike had definitely learned from him, for starters.

  Eric kept doing what he had been doing: working out and trying to create some music.

  Jan was helping him now and besides the hours Eric was training by himself, they were also training for a few hours, several times a week. />
  Eric had one single thought: Music is what would bring them all back together.

  He was trying to train more than what Tom was ordering, and in the beginning it felt impossible. But then he tried an extra walk, a couple of extra push-ups, swimming a bit more, and things finally were starting to evolve.

  He was training and he was listening to more music these days that he had probably listened to his whole life.

  He had also started to read more poetry to try to get some inspiration on how to write his lyrics, in the beginning it also seemed impossible: he didn't understand much, he wouldn't get the point, but as with everything else, he kept going for weeks and eventually it started to get easier.

  Eric had started to try and talk to everyone around him again, trying to understand what was happening and what he could do to help, even though things in that are seemed to be the hardest to deal with.

 

  - What's wrong man? - Jan

  - ….AAAAh –Eric sighed - This music sucks so bad, man – He was frustrated

  - ...Nah, relax, man, it's getting there – Jan

  - … Any ideas? I'm completely stuck.

  - Hmmm, not sure yet... let's try again

  He played the music five times faster, trying to change some chords.

  - No...ahn, noo... maybe....arrg, fuck no...

  He stopped for a minute.

  - Maaaaybe... - He played again – No... You know what, play me the song and I'll follow you...

  - Ok

  Jan tried some other stuff and tried to improvise a bit over what Eric was playing.

  - Hmm...Maybe...go back a bit...

  Eric obeyed.

  - Hmm...Try this... - Jan – Yeah...No...

  - What about this? - Eric tried something different

  - Hmm do it again? - Jan listened closely -That's a bit better, yeah, but then we need to change ...ahn, here, you see?

  - Hmmm yeah...

  - Come on, again...

  - Hey, man – Eric was still reaching for air after finishing his training– I've been meaning to talk to you...

  - Oh, shout it out, Eric – Tom smiled, but he didn't stop his training

  - You know you're like a brother to me, right?

  - Yeah, man. What's up? What's wrong?

  - … How are you, Tom? For real...- He sighed - No one's here, just you and me, man. – Eric smiled – I need to know...

  Tom stopped working out for a few seconds, but he soon started it again.

  - I don't know, Eric... You?

  -.Oh, me? I’m screwed... Marie doesn't wanna see me anymore, my brother and sister are completely distant from me and Mike is getting insane with his school.

  He paused for a second.

  - ...But that doesn't make any less important the fact I have no fucking idea about what’s happening with you. I used to have more news from you when you were still in Montreal, Tom.

  Tom had definitely stopped working out now.

  - What's happening, man? - Eric

  - … I don't know....I'm just not okay in this point of my life.

  Eric starred at him as he kept talking:

  - I'm in Paris for what? More than six months now. And I'm not able to do shit with my life. Things were not perfect in Montreal, but I had a life there... I mean, almost ten years of my life....And the worse is... Ah – He shook his head - it doesn't even matter....

  Eric took a deep breath.

  - You're really having problems letting her go, aren't you? - Eric

  Tom gave him a sad smirk.

  - ...Yeah... She was always the only one for me, Eric, and I thought that after everything we've been through...we'd find a way to get back together – He paused – But... I guess our moment just passed and... And I just let it pass. It fucking vanished in the air.

  Silence. Tom finally spoke:

  - I’m sorry I’ve been distant... I just can't deal with people right now. Besides, once in my life I have absolutely no clue on what I’m gonna do next, you know? ...Should I go after a good job here? Start my own company? Truth is, I don't feel like doing any of those things...except, working out and reading and you know...watching life go by for a while...

  Eric nodded.

  - I'm fucking hurt too, you know – Eric paused for a while – I guess I never said that to anyone... “Hurt”

  Tom eventually nodded back. Eric started talking again.

  -You're one of the few people, probably, that I would ever put my pride aside for. You deserve the world, brother, because you are the most awesome guy I've ever had the pleasure to meet, and you understand things and you always been loyal to me... But you have to pull yourself together. Not for me, not for Katherine. For you, ok? For the guy you are. - Eric paused - … I don't wanna bother you anymore... I just wanted to tell you I wanna try and fix things. And it's clear as hell we could be helping each other a hell of a lot more than what we've been doing in the past months... I am here for you dude, and I want you to know that...

  They starred at each other.

  - I'm all screwed up, but I'm here if you need me... I have no idea what to do either, Tom. But I know for sure I can't just stand and watch anymore while my family is disappearing in the air.

  Tom never said anything, so Eric just decided to go.

  - ... I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Tom.

  - Sure... Hey, good luck with your siblings tonight, hun?

  Eric smiled and nodded.

  Jan and Eric spent the whole day training, until probably two hours after exhaustion. At some point Eric was simply forced to finish the training session because he was going to have a dinner with Gustavo and Isadora that night. And so he went:

  - Hey, Eric

  - Hey, guys

  They tried to have a casual talk, eating and drinking a bit, and for a good while everything seemed to be ok. Gustavo kept looking at his phone.

  After they were done with the food, Eric decided to try and have a conversation about everything that was bothering them, at once.

  - Hey guys, I called you here tonight because I wanted to talk to you guys... It's been a while that I'm feeling ...that everyone is drifting apart, getting distant from each other. And I honestly have no idea what to do about that... I know most of the fault is probably mine, and I know it's been pretty sucky to you guys too... But still... I miss you guys, and I know my communication skills sometimes are...you know, limited... I just wanted to talk to you both about what’s been happening and...Hmmm... And see what we...what I can do to help with this situation... I just...- He cleared his throat - I really miss having you guys around...

  Both Isa and Gustavo went silent for a moment. They exchange some looks between them, but it seemed as no one was going to say anything.

  - I just...I just don't know what we could say, Eric - Isa

  - Yeah, apart from the fact that your speech sucked... And that it's not like it actually matters much...

  - Gustavo! - Isadora

  - What do you mean, Gustavo? … You think I don't care about you guys? - Eric

  - I didn't mean that...

  - So what did you mean? - He sighed
– Could you please put your phone down for a second?

  Gustavo put his phone on the table and stopped to think for a second, looking for the right words.

  - Dude, living in Paris has been cool and all... the festival was a lot of fun... And we know you care, we know you like our company around and all....

  - But...?

  - … We've been in the middle of all these problems....and we just can't help you guys, dude. Especially because you guys just shut us away in a very mean and inconsiderate way.

  - In which sense?

  - All of them.... we struggle sometimes to have money to do stuff, you know... We don't need anything, that’s not what I’m saying, I'm not complaining – Gustavo tried to explain himself before Eric could react to what he had said - ... I’m just saying that we are just freaking students...and you guys, have problems that we can't do anything about it, directly. But we could try to help, being here for you guys, to talk and whatnot, and honestly do anything we could do to help if we knew what... But it's like no one wants to talk...or do anything anymore. You guys never even bothered to ask our help, or actually sit down with us and see... what we would be able to do... You, specially. - He sighed - No one wants to ask for company or help or to do anything together anymore, because … you know, it’s been a fucking torture to everyone. And especially in my and Isa's case, you guys treated us like kids these last months... I'm not saying we had the worse from it all, jeez, you know it's not that... But come on, man...

  … Half of ours friends that were here for the festival already left France, and the few that stayed... I guess didn't think about keeping people close.... And this country, this city… Is pretty messed up around these days if you haven`t notice it…

  Silence. Gustavo started to talk again.

  - … In life, we need a lot of effort to keep people close, Eric, especially during crisis as big as the ones we've been facing, bro - Gustavo

  Silence

  - Uaau... - Eric – … How old are you again? - He smirked

  They finally smiled. Isa eventually agreed with her little brother: