She stared back, silent.
“What are you thinking?”
Her smile looked forced. “Just wondering how things would have been different if we’d hooked up back then.”
“We’d be miserable.” That’s why he brought it up. For as many times as he had the same what-if thought, he already knew the answer.
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
She wasn’t supposed to question him. He had his reasons. “You don’t feel that way about me. Imagine if we’d indulged a temporary crush and broken up. We wouldn’t be here now.” Not that he knew where here was.
Hurt echoed in her eyes. “I guess.”
He hated the distance between them and that it grew with every passing second. He hated even worse that he was the current source of her gloom. “We didn’t belong together then, and we don’t belong together now.” He shouldn’t have let things go this far. It had been stupid and shortsighted. Destroying what they had, because he was thinking with his dick.
“Do you really feel that way?” She clenched her jaw and narrowed her eyes.
“Of course I do.” Part of him whispered it was a lie, but a louder voice screamed nothing had ever been truer. “That’s the way it is.”
“I see.” She stood, not looking at him. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, then.”
“Me neither.” He forced his hands to stay by his side. Swallowed his call to stop her from walking out the door. This was the way it had to be.
Chapter Fifteen
Riley leaned over the butcher-block countertop, calligraphy pen poised over a place card, waiting for Kenzie to spell out another name. They were seated across from each other on the tall stools bordering the breakfast bar.
Creating the place cards for her sister’s wedding reception should be a distraction, but Kenzie wanted to write them all up, in order to seat all the right people by all the other right people. Every time there was a lull while Kenzie searched for the next name, Riley’s thoughts took over again, dragging her into the frustration and lack of answers that had tormented her since Zane forced her out of his life a few days ago.
Kenzie gave her the next name, and Riley let the letters flow in black script across the card. She blew on the ink for a few seconds, to make sure it dried, and then handed it over.
“You’re quiet tonight.” Kenzie’s attention never left her list of guest names.
“I guess.” Riley didn’t want to talk about it. Rather, the person she wanted to talk about it with was the source of her angst. She knew he didn’t want to bring their friendship to an end, hated the idea as much as she did, and yet he let his past torment him into thinking he didn’t have a choice. Except, every time she honed in on the thought, doubt told her she read the situation wrong. Again. Like she had with every other guy she knew, but with Zane, the consequences were more serious. It wasn’t as simple as a broken heart. His hurt ran deeper.
“No, Stephen with a ph.” Kenzie placed a hand over Riley’s and pulled the misspelled card away.
“Sorry.” Riley sighed and grabbed another piece of decorated stock to write on. She’d lost count of how many times she screwed up that night. She was positive Kenzie knew the exact number, but her sister was kind enough not to call her on it.
Riley should make another effort to make this right with Zane. Make it clear she was taking the sex off the table, and was there for him. But if he pushed her away another time, how many nos would it take for her to get the hint?
“Okay. Just stop.” Kenzie plucked the pen from her hand and capped it. “Stephen also doesn’t have a Z. Or an A. Though at least you got the N and E right.”
Heat flooded Riley’s cheeks. She hadn’t quite written Zane’s name; it was some sort of bizarre hybrid of jumbled letters. “Sorry.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Kenzie studied her, concern heavy in her face.
Yes. “I’ll be fine.”
Kenzie shook her head. “Sure.” She slid another card across the counter. “Keep in mind I only picked up so many of these things.”
“I get it. Stephen then?”
“No. I want him sitting somewhere else.” Kenzie paused longer than she should have. “Archer Yates.”
Riley’s hand froze around the pen, gripping it until her knuckles ached, but unable to let go. “You did that on purpose.”
Kenzie stared back, her face an impassive mask. “You think I’d put my entire reception in disarray, to squeeze information out of you that you don’t want to give me? He’s Jen’s plus one. I want them at this table.”
Riley clenched her jaw. She knew Archer and his sister were attending, had even assured Kenzie several times she was fine with it, but it wasn’t as if she was going to argue. Kenzie and Jen were friends, and it wasn’t Riley’s place to ruin her sister’s wedding plans.
“I’m sorry.” Riley forced her hand to remain steady while she inked in his name. “Except this doesn’t put them at the same table, because there’s only one spot left, and you haven’t split up any of your other guests.”
Kenzie flinched. “This is different. They’re not a couple. They should mingle.”
Riley stared back, her mouth twisted in disbelief. “You’re going to break your own rules? Willingly?”
“What?” Kenzie took the card from her but didn’t place it on top of the stack, as she had all the others. “My rules, my exceptions.”
Kenzie didn’t make exceptions. Riley pursed her lips. “Sure.”
“Fine.” Kenzie’s shoulders slumped. “What’s the deal with you and Zane?”
The deal was she’d made the same mistake she had with Archer—slept with a good friend and confused sex with love. Except it wasn’t that simple, and this wasn’t really about her. Not directly. The deal was she felt more helpless than she ever remembered feeling in her life. She dropped her pen. “I’m done.”
“Riley.”
Riley’s gut turned in on itself. “Nothing.” The single word came out harsher than she expected. “There’s no deal with us.”
“You were holding hands half the night at dinner.”
The memory throbbed in Riley’s temple, and an ache settled in her throat. She couldn’t find a response, not that she trusted herself to speak anyway. Silence stretched between them.
“I’ll drop it.” Kenzie turned her attention to the already scripted name cards, straightening and over-straightening them.
“We’re sleeping together.” The words tumbled past Riley’s lips before she could figure out if she wanted to stop them or not. It made her ill to have that out there, but at the same time, it was a relief.
“You should have told me you guys were dating. That’s...” Kenzie trailed off, smile vanishing. “You’re not dating.”
Riley shook her head. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We had some fun while he was deployed. You know. Talking and stuff. When he got back, we agreed it might be even more fun to fool around in person. We promised we could stay friends. Except now I’m falling for him, and I know I wasn’t supposed to, and what if I spend the rest of my life unable to tell when I care about someone and when I’m just lonely?”
That wasn’t actually the problem. Not by a long shot. But she didn’t know how to explain the reality to her sister, and Zane’s story wasn’t her secret to share.
Kenzie covered Riley’s hand again, her tone soft. “You’re wrong.”
Riley’s insides threatened to fold in half. She couldn’t hide her hurt. “I didn’t mean to.”
“That’s not what I mean,” Kenzie said quickly. “I mean you’re wrong about not being able to tell the difference.”
“You’re sweet, but I’m not.” Riley couldn’t swallow. Her throat was too dry and raw from hidden tears.
“Why would you say that? You were the one who told me you wanted that shared look. That respect. That admiration. You have all that and more with Zane.”
Riley hated herself for clinging to the words. False hope would set he
r up for more heartache, but she couldn’t ignore it. “You think?”
“Would I say it if I didn’t believe it?”
Good point. Her sister was diplomatic, but she never outright made things up. “I guess not, but it doesn’t matter, if he doesn’t feel the same.”
“Sorry to interrupt, ladies.” Scott appeared behind Kenzie. He rested his hand at the small of her back. “Caterer is on the phone. Will you talk to him?”
Kenzie rolled her eyes. “You can’t handle it?”
The corner of Scott’s mouth pulled up in a smirk. “I’m about thirty seconds from telling him exactly what I think of his phony French accent and completely inauthentic food.”
“Fine.” Kenzie’s grin defied the irritation in her voice. She looked at Riley. “I’ll be right back, and we’ll figure it out.” She kissed Scott, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away.
Damn it, Riley did want that. And she wanted it with Zane. She didn’t hold his past against him; she only wanted to help him through it. To see him whole again. She dropped her chin into her palm, gaze locked on the countertop. This was such a mess.
The leather on the stool next to her creaked when Scott sat down. “So, this boyfriend of yours...”
Swell. Nine times out of ten, she adored Scott. Right then, she was so very not in the mood for his brand of... him. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Sorry.” He sounded anything but. “This guy you know. Zane, right?”
She glared at the countertop. “What about him?”
Scott grabbed a stack of name cards from the middle of the group, flipping through them, but not reordering them. “Kenzie says he was electronic surveillance in the Air Force for six years.”
God, this was so far from a conversation she wanted to have. “So?”
“Is he any good?”
Riley finally turned her attention to Scott, looking for any hint of what was going on. Scott’s expression was the same as always. Smiling, a little arrogant, unassuming.
“He’s the best,” she said. It didn’t matter what Zane thought of himself, his skills were top notch. “He’d probably hate me for telling you this”—if he doesn’t already—“but so many people already know, it’s not like it’s a big secret. Before he enlisted, he got really good at finding holes in company websites. He never did anything like on the scale of a chaos hacker, but he did manage to snag a couple of games before they were released. He’s only gotten better since.”
Scott’s expression flickered for a moment between surprised, pleased, and irritated before returning to normal. “Where’s he working now?”
She paused, not comfortable spilling that kind of information, and still having no idea why Scott cared. “He’s between contracts. Looking for a company that will challenge him and know how to utilize his skills. Things like that.”
“So he’s unemployed.”
Riley sighed. “Is this going somewhere?”
“You know one of the things I love about Kenzie?”
Riley was caught off guard by the rapid change in subject. Listening to her sister’s love-struck fiancé sing Kenzie’s praises wouldn’t help her mood. “She’s got a nice ass?”
“She’s not you.”
The three words hit Riley hard.
“I’m not done,” Scott said.
She nodded, not able to ignore the sting in her eyes.
“It’s what I adore about you too, baby sister. She’s a brilliant, organized mind, and you’re intelligent and creative, and anyone who thinks she should be more like you or you should be more like her is missing something significant.”
Her hurt vanished. She opened her mouth to thank him for the compliment, but he talked over her. “That includes you.”
“Hey. I’m back,” Kenzie said.
Scott was on his feet again in an instant. He wrapped an arm around Kenzie’s waist, dipped her, and swallowed her laugh with a deep kiss.
“What do you mean?” Riley asked, once her sister was upright again, trying to squelch the pang that wished she could have the easy fun and obvious affection they did.
Scott kissed her on the cheek. “Ask Zane. He knows.” With that, he was gone, vanished back into the living room or wherever he was hiding.
“What was that about?” Kenzie dropped back into her seat.
Riley shook her head. Scott was bizarrely cryptic sometimes, she suspected because he didn’t think the same way as most people, not as an attempt to be obtuse. Even if she couldn’t translate the conversation, it cemented for her the need to approach Zane at least one more time.
“Anyway...” Kenzie frowned when she saw a stack of name cards out of line, and squared them all up again before setting them back in their proper spot. “Whatever you decide about Zane, keep in mind that the rift is already there. It’s obvious. Repair it or lose him.”
Riley let the words roll around in her head. It sounded so simple. Repair it or lose him. If only it were that easy.
Chapter Sixteen
Zane was on his feet in an instant at the knock on the door. He growled at his anticipation. He didn’t want it to be Riley, regardless of what the hollow pit behind his ribs insisted.
His heart sank against his will when he saw who it was. He didn’t bother with a smile as he yanked the door open. He wasn’t in the mood for Sabrina. Her dark brown hair was pulled into a thick braid that draped her shoulder, drawing the eye to a low-cut T-shirt that toed the line between too tight and just right. Regardless of how much he didn’t want to see her, he still couldn’t defy propriety. He kept his attention on her face. “Can I help you?”
Sabrina lounged against the doorframe, a smirk dancing on full, too-red lips. She stepped closer, nudging him with her frame. “Invite me in?”
Fuck. He hadn’t seen this behavior since they were first assigned to work together. Back then, his dick controlled the conversations when she did this. Today, he wasn’t in the mood. He put more distance between them. “Do you want to sit?”
She ducked her head and looked up at him through heavy black lashes. “Only if you’re the seat.”
He didn’t try to hide his irritation. “There’s no need, really. I’m standing, so there’s plenty of room on the couch.”
She traced a finger along the edge of her T-shirt, pausing at her cleavage. “It looks lonely over there.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “What do you want?”
“You.”
“No, really.”
She crossed her arms, pushing her tits together and up. “So blondes are more your thing?”
His veins filled with ice. She knew about Riley. “Can’t say I have a preference.”
“You know what I do for a living, right?” Sabrina raised an eyebrow, studying him with disbelief.
Zane struggled to hold back his creeping dread. “She was a friend before I deployed. That’s all.”
“Really?” Her laugh chilled him further. “Okay. Let’s play this game. Please, Ms. Spy, leave her out of this. She doesn’t know. It doesn’t have anything to do with her.”
Zane clenched his jaw and his fists, and let a growl escape her chest. “So you’re here to... threaten the people I know? That won’t end well for you.”
“Oh, so cute. But that’s not your line. Now you say, I’ll do anything you want. Just leave them alone.”
He took a step toward her, and then another, twisted satisfaction growing inside when she moved back. “No.” He kept his voice low and even. “Now I tell you, if you’re here to threaten me—directly or otherwise—you won’t like the results. I can destroy you digitally, and you know it.”
“There’s the man I adore.” Her smile unnerved him more than the innuendo about Riley. “I’m not here to threaten anyone. Nothing bad is going to happen to your playmate. We don’t work like that.”
“You work exactly like that.”
She shrugged. “Busted. But not when it comes to her. She’s a blip. Doesn’t know anything. Doesn’t mean a
nything. Which is why I don’t understand your infatuation with her. What are you doing, Sergeant? Playing house? Pretending you’re normal? Convincing yourself this lifestyle is going to make you happy? I’m not threatening you, because we both know torture doesn’t work. Especially long term. This is motivation. You want this job. You were made for this type of work.”
He tried to hide his cringe at how close to home her words hit. “You need to leave.”
She stood her ground. “You come work with me again, and it’s not about clinging to some past that was never real—unlike the life you’re trying to live now. I don’t care that you were an okay lay. Though, God, some of the emails the two of you shared... Wow, she thinks you’re all that.”
He should have known his exchanges with Riley weren’t private. “This conversation is over.”
“Ditch the blonde, come work for us. The money is good. You’ll never stop growing. Right now, you’re just a hack who can’t keep up. And really, do you think she’s going to want you once she figures out who you are? We already know, and that’s why you’re so valuable to us.”
“Get out.” Zane couldn’t find more words in the midst of his anger.
“Sergeant Petrov.” Her voice was gentle. Coaxing. Condescending. “You’re going to regret this”—she finally reached for the doorknob—“but I won’t ask again.” She didn’t wait for a response but slipped out and tugged the door shut behind her.
Zane sank back against a nearby wall, shaking with anger and trying to ignore the thread of creeping sick about the exchange. Riley might not mean anything to the CIA, but she was his world.
He’d do absolutely anything for her, including making sure she ended up with a good guy. Someone who wasn’t him. He didn’t think he could ever atone for his sins, but if it was possible, he’d start here.
RILEY COULD DO THIS. She could talk to Zane, figure out what was going on, and convince him she was there for him. She repeated the reassurances, trying to make herself believe them. Relief and nausea flooded her when she saw Zane’s car. So he was home. Good. Perfect. Right?
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