CATASTROPHIZING: This is where parents greatly exaggerate the effect of current behavior on a child’s future well-being (“We’ve resigned ourselves to the fact that Jamie will probably end up in jail someday”).
INTERRUPTING: Don’t forget, the child is probably having trouble sorting through his thoughts in the first place. Your interruptions don’t help.
LECTURING: “How many times do I have to tell you . . .” Well, you’ve probably told them more than enough times, so it’s better to switch gears and try to figure out and resolve whatever is getting in the way of your kid doing what you’ve been telling them to do.
DWELLING ON THE PAST: “Listen, kid, your duck’s been upside down in the water for a long time. You think I’m gonna get all excited just because you’ve put together a few good weeks?” Ouch.
TALKING THROUGH A THIRD PERSON: “You’re not going out with your friends this weekend, and your father is going to tell you why. Isn’t that right, dear?” Whether you’re hiding behind someone else or not, Plan A is not the ideal way to get your concerns addressed.
GRANDPARENTS
At times it’s necessary to bring grandparents into the mix on understanding, and perhaps helping, a kid with concerning behaviors. In many families, grandparents or other relatives function as co-parents, taking care of the children while the parents are at work. Even if grandparents don’t spend much time with the child—but never miss an opportunity to tell the parents what they would do if they were in charge—they need to be enlightened about the lagging skills and unsolved problems that set the stage for their grandchild’s concerning behavior and helped to understand that the way things were done in the “good old days” doesn’t solve any problems durably. By the way, I’ve seen situations in which grandparents played an absolutely indispensable role in helping a kid with concerning behavior, because it was a grandparent who had the best relationship with the kid and was in the best position to begin the process of solving problems collaboratively.
YOU
This is a statement of the obvious, but a child with concerning behaviors can put tremendous pressure on your mental health and on your marriage. In many two-parent families, one parent is primarily disposed toward imposition of adult will (convinced that more authority would get things squared away), and the other is primarily disposed toward just letting things go (having become convinced that more authority is only making things worse and that family peace is more important than compliance). Since neither approach is working, they have little to show for their predispositions. Yet it’s not unusual for the two adults to blame each other for the failure to make much headway on reducing concerning behaviors:
PARENT #1: If you’d just let me deal with her and stop letting her off the hook, things would be different around here!
PARENT #2: I’m not going to stand by and watch you screaming at her and punishing her all the time. Somebody needs to give the kid a break!
While it’s true that kids with concerning behaviors can cause significant tension between caregivers, it’s also true that significant tension between caregivers can make life with a child with concerning behaviors much more difficult. Some partners aren’t even very good at collaboratively solving problems with each other, so working on unsolved problems with a child can represent a radically different skill set. Partners who are drained by their own difficulties often have little energy left for a labor-intensive child. Sometimes one partner feels exhausted and resentful that they have to be the primary parent because the other parent spends a lot of time at work.
It’s hard to work on helping your child if you’re feeling the need to put your own house in order first. Perhaps you’ve come to recognize that you’re lacking some of the same skills as your child with concerning behaviors (this may have become apparent as you were perusing the lagging skills on the ALSUP). Plan B can help you learn new skills right along with your child. Perhaps your child’s concerning behaviors are evoking strong emotions in you because those behaviors are reminiscent of traumatic experiences you’ve endured previously. Plan B can help you reduce those behaviors and feel OK about pursuing expectations and solving problems with your child in a way that is a departure from those abusive experiences. Perhaps you’re so drained by work and schedules and the needs of your other children that you simply have very little energy and patience left for the rigors of helping your child with concerning behaviors. Plan B can help you get your energy back. Solved problems aren’t energy-drainers, only unsolved problems are. Maybe you’re quite bitter about having been dealt a difficult hand. Maybe you’ll feel less bitter if your hand improves. Finally, perhaps you feel that you need to get a better handle on your own emotions so you can help your child do the same. You should find the proactive and collaborative aspects of Plan B to be very helpful.
Make sure you take care of yourself. Work hard at finding or creating a support system for yourself. Seek professional help or other forms of support if you need it. These things don’t change on their own.
Q & A
QUESTION: My spouse won’t use Plan B. They won’t even read this book. Any advice?
ANSWER: Your spouse may not have strong beliefs guiding their use of Plan A, it’s just what they were raised with, or it’s what a lot of books and talk-show hosts and nanny programs tell them to do, and they’ve never given the matter much thought. The goal, of course, is to help them give the matter some thought, beginning with new information about a child’s lagging skills and unsolved problems. Ultimately, the goal is to help them come to the recognition that the child and family will be helped far more if adults view themselves as problem solvers rather than as the swift and unrelenting purveyors of adult-imposed consequences.
For some adults, books aren’t the best way to access new information. Maybe your spouse will listen to a CD in the car? Or access information on a website? You’ll want to check out www.livesinthebalance.org for lots of potential resources.
There are also many adults who use Plan A because they fear that their concerns won’t be heard or addressed if they use any other approach. When did they come to fear that their concerns wouldn’t be heard or addressed? Probably during childhood, when their Plan A parents were neither hearing nor addressing their concerns. These adults need to be reassured that their concerns will be heard and addressed using Plan B as well.
QUESTION: But my husband says Plan A worked for him.
ANSWER: It depends what he means by worked. While it’s true that you can get away with Plan A with a kid who has the skills to adaptively handle imposition of adult will, I don’t think it’s healthy under any circumstances for kids’ concerns to be dismissed or disregarded, whether you can get away with it or not. The fact that Plan A is causing challenging episodes and hostility and misery suggests that clearly it’s not “working” for your child with concerning behaviors.
QUESTION: I’ve been taught that it’s important for parents to be consistent with each other in front of the child so the child can’t do any “splitting.” So, what advice do you give parents if one is using Plan A on an issue and the other disagrees?
ANSWER: That’s worth thinking about a little. Consistency is a bit overrated. I’ve come across no co-parents who were perfectly consistent with each other. And, by and large, their offspring were well-behaved! Parents do need to agree on the expectations their child is having difficulty meeting and do need to agree on the ones that are a high priority. Then they need to agree on how to go about solving those problems. Problems that are solved with Plan A generally aren’t durably solved. It doesn’t matter that one parent can “get away” with Plan A if the other can’t.
QUESTION: My other children are not especially challenging and respond well to Plan A. Am I supposed to have two different types of discipline going on in my household at the same time?
ANSWER: Kids who respond to Plan A respond to Plan B as well, so if you’re determined to be consistent, use Plan B with your not-so-challenging kids, too. While y
our not-so-challenging kids might not react as strongly to Plan A as your kid with concerning behaviors, why would you want to deprive the not-so-challenging kids of the benefits of being involved in the process of solving the problems that affect their lives?
* * *
Sandra had her first meeting with the social worker, Ms. Brennan, on the inpatient unit after work the next day.
“That lip looks pretty bad,” said Ms. Brennan.
“It looks worse than it feels,” said Sandra, lying.
“From what I can gather, you and Frankie have been down this route before,” said Ms. Brennan.
“You mean him hitting me or him being on an inpatient unit?”
“Well, both, I guess.”
“I’ve been hit many times,” said Sandra. “Not usually this bad. He’s always sorry afterward. We don’t really interact with each other much anymore, so I haven’t been getting hit lately. And, yeah, he’s been hospitalized a few times before this. It’s never really accomplished much. To tell you the truth, I think the other inpatient units did more harm than good.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Ms. Brennan. “I thought I’d talk with you for a few minutes before we bring Frankie in on the discussion. From what I can gather, it’s been a long haul for you and Frankie.”
“I think Frankie’s had a hard life. I was sixteen years old when I had him. We lived in a homeless shelter when he was younger. But we did OK back then. Now, like I said, we don’t really communicate much anymore. And when we do, it’s ugly.”
“I understand,” said Ms. Brennan.
No, you don’t, thought Sandra. “All I know is I’ve done my best. I mean, that kid is my life. I just don’t know what to do.”
“You seem to be blaming yourself for Frankie’s difficulties.”
“Well, who the hell else is there to blame?” Sandra asked. “The school blames me, the therapists blame me, his case worker blames me. I’m elected.” Sandra was a little surprised at how angry she was.
“We don’t blame people around here,” said Ms. Brennan. “We assume parents do the best they can.”
Sandra pondered this. “Well, my best clearly wasn’t good enough.”
“We see a lot of that around here,” said Ms. Brennan.
“A lot of what?”
“A lot of parents who’ve tried really hard but don’t have much to show for it.”
“This lip is what I have to show for it,” said Sandra.
“I think that kids like Frankie require a pretty specialized approach,” said Ms. Brennan, “and that a lot of what seems to work for most kids doesn’t work for kids like Frankie.”
“Nothing against you, but we’ve had a lot of people try to help us. And I’m still getting hit. So, I’m kind of skeptical.”
“I don’t blame you. But I think one thing is obvious. We really need to help you and Frankie start talking to each other, but in a way that doesn’t cause you to get hit.”
“That would be good. I just . . . I don’t know if it’s very likely.”
“Well, I’d like to hear a little about what it is that you still try talking with him about, and how you try to do it. Then I might help you do it a different way. What do you try to talk to him about?”
“School mostly,” said Sandra. “I mean, we live in a pretty small apartment, so there’s all the crap that goes along with living in a tight space. How loud he plays his music, how much time he spends playing video games, what video games he’s playing, putting his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. But it’s mostly school. I’m really worried that he’s going to get thrown out of the program he’s in, and I don’t know what we’re going to do if that happens.”
“How do you try talking with him about those things?”
“Well, I mostly try not talking with him about those things,” said Sandra, “because I don’t want it to get ugly. But the more I think about it, the more worried I get, and then I can’t help but talk to him about it, but by then I’m so stressed out about it that I’m probably not very calm when I do it, and then it goes downhill pretty fast.”
“If I was to ask Frankie about why you and he don’t talk anymore, what do you think he’d say?” asked Ms. Brennan.
“He’d say I don’t listen,” said Sandra. “He says that all the time. Maybe he’s right.”
“We’re going to find out,” said Ms. Brennan. “But I’d like to teach you a way to solve those problems with him—school, the loud music, the laundry, the video games—that I’m pretty sure won’t cause him to feel that you’re not listening to him. We’re going to need lots of information from Frankie for those problems to get solved. Once they’re solved—and once you and Frankie are able to solve problems together—I don’t think you’re going to get hit anymore.”
Ms. Brennan explained Plan B and the three steps of Plan B. “So, what I’d like to do is try talking with Frankie about a problem, and I think the fact that he hates his program at school is a good place to start. Not that it’s the only thing that we need to talk with him about, but it sounds like it’s the primary source of conflict for you two. All I’m going to do right now is the Empathy step. You can join in if you’d like, but the main thing is for you to see what the information-gathering process looks like. We really want to understand what’s hard for him about school.”
“OK,” said Sandra.
Frankie shuffled in with a staff member. He meekly said hi to Sandra.
“Hi, Frankie,” said Sandra. “Do you have everything you need here?”
Frankie nodded. “I’m sorry I hit you.”
“I know.”
“I just needed you to stop talking,” said Frankie.
“I think,” said Ms. Brennan, “that I might be able to help you and your mom talk together in a way that works better.”
“I don’t like talking to my mom.”
“How come?” asked Ms. Brennan.
“She’s like . . . she gets too flipped out about everything.”
“Like what?”
Frankie sighed. “She’s always stressed about money, and work . . . and me. It’s just easier if we just don’t talk.”
“From what I can gather, there are a lot of things that you should probably be talking about,” said Ms. Brennan.
“Yeah, but not to her.”
“To whom?”
“I don’t know,” said Frankie. “Not her.”
“So, I heard you say that she’s too stressed out about everything. How does that make it hard for you to talk to her?”
“She doesn’t listen,” said Frankie. “She just kinda barges in my room and goes totally ape on me. It’s not talking . . . it’s just, like, she’s crazed.”
“Shall we see if your mom can listen now while I talk to you about school?” asked Ms. Brennan.
“I don’t really see the point,” said Frankie. He looked at Sandra. “You’re the one who let them put me in that freaking program. You didn’t even freaking ask me.”
Sandra wasn’t sure what to say. She looked to Ms. Brennan for help. “Go ahead,” Ms. Brennan encouraged.
“Frankie, I agreed for you to be in that program because the people at school said it was the best thing for you. I guess it was the wrong decision. But I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve never known what to do.” Sandra started tearing up.
Frankie looked at Ms. Brennan. “I’m not doing this.”
“How come?” Ms. Brennan asked.
“She’s already crying. I don’t wanna have to deal with that crap. That’s why I like talking to the staff here. They listen, they don’t freak out.”
Sandra covered her face.
“See what I mean!” said Frankie, jumping out of his chair. “I don’t want to do this!”
“You don’t have to do it,” said Ms. Brennan. “But hear me out for a second. Then you can decide if you want to stay.”
Frankie stood by the door of Ms. Brennan’s office.
“I could be wrong, but I have a feeling y
our mother is tougher than you think. Her life hasn’t been easy.”
“I know her life hasn’t been easy! I thought we were talking about my life!”
“Let’s do that,” said Ms. Brennan. “All I’m saying is that I think your mom can listen to what you have to say.”
“Without crying? Or yelling?”
“I can’t promise you that she won’t cry. I don’t think she’s going to yell, because you’ll be talking to me. Your mom is just going to listen.”
Frankie was silent.
“Can you talk to me about the things you don’t like about your school?” asked Ms. Brennan.
“Yes.”
“Can your mom stay in the room while we’re talking?”
“If she keeps crying, I’m leaving,” said Frankie.
“That’s fine,” said Ms. Brennan. She turned to Sandra. “Can you listen to what Frankie has to say about his school without crying?”
“I’ll try,” said Sandra.
Frankie sat back down.
“So, tell me about the difficulties you’ve been having at school. What’s going on with that?”
“I want to go back to my regular junior high school,” said Frankie, glancing warily at Sandra.
“That’s good to know,” said Ms. Brennan, immediately recognizing that Frankie had voiced a solution rather than a concern. She steered the discussion back to Frankie’s concerns. “I hear that’s what you want to do, but I don’t understand what it is that’s making you want to do that.”
“The kids in my program are freaks. And the teachers are losers. And I don’t want to be a ‘speddie’ anymore,” said Frankie, using the colloquial term for a child receiving special education services. “I wanna be normal.”
“That’s a lot of reasons,” said Ms. Brennan.
“And I don’t want my mom making decisions about me without me.” Frankie glanced at Sandra again.
“OK,” said Ms. Brennan. “Is there anything else you want to say about any of those things?”
“Not really,” said Frankie.
The Explosive Child Page 14