I tried one last time to run away from the truth.
“Agnes can’t have told you anything, Sebastian. She died more than a hundred years ago, and you’re here with me now. It’s all in the past. It’s all over. You’re just confused; you’re not well.”
Sebastian shook his head. “It’s no use, Evie. Think about what you’ve just read. What did Agnes warn her friend, her beloved, about? What did she tell him would poison his very existence?”
The sky seemed to press down on me, and the hills were watching, waiting for some catastrophe to happen. I didn’t want to speak the words. But I had to. “She told him not to seek eternal life.”
“And he ignored her. He went down those dark paths as far as he could without her help. Not far enough to achieve true immortality, but enough to live a hundred years, two hundred maybe. Enough to be able to talk to Agnes and then to you, five generations later.”
“I have to go.” I began to walk away. All I wanted to do was get back to the school, crawl into bed, and shut this insanity out of my head.
“Evie, wait—I can prove it. Wait!”
I turned unwillingly and saw Sebastian take something from his pocket. It flashed silver-gray in the moonlight as he raised it to his head.
“Watch me, Evie.”
“No!” The noise of the shot echoed across the moors, magnified a hundred times in the still night. Birds screeched and flapped up from the trees. I hurtled over to Sebastian’s slumped body. An old-fashioned silver pistol had fallen from his hand. Blood ran down the side of his face, and his eyes were staring up at the stars. I covered my face in horror, shaking and terrified. A few minutes later, a low voice mingled with the wind.
“Don’t cry, Evie. I just had to prove I was telling the truth.”
I looked up and screamed. Sebastian was kneeling by my side, trying to comfort me. Where that dreadful hole at the side of his head had been, there was no mark at all, as if it had never happened.
“You see? I can’t die. I never died. I am Sebastian Fairfax. Do you believe me now?”
I couldn’t answer. I got up and staggered away, then bent over the grass and was violently sick.
“Feeling better?”
I couldn’t answer. Sebastian had wiped my face and wrapped me in his coat, but I was still shaking.
“I’m sorry I shocked you like that. It was the only way I had of convincing you.”
“I know.”
Finally I knew the impossible truth. Sebastian had known Agnes. He had been alive for almost a hundred and fifty years, yet he was still nineteen…. He could never die…. I needed to keep saying it to myself over and over again. I pulled the newspaper clipping from my pocket and gave it to him.
“You stole the painting from Fairfax Hall, didn’t you, so that I wouldn’t guess who you were?”
“Yes. I thought it would finish everything between us. And I couldn’t bear not to see you again. I know it was selfish. But you were the only good thing I had, the only light in the terrible darkness all around me. I’m so sorry.”
“Tell me everything, Sebastian. I want to understand.”
He hesitated. “There’s so much that I wish you didn’t have to know. And when I have told you, you’ll understand why we can never meet again.”
“But if we love each other—” I began.
“Love can be destroyed, Evie,” he replied grimly. “I don’t think you’ll have any love left for me when I have told you everything.”
I didn’t think anything else would ever shock me again. “I just want the truth.”
“Everything Agnes wrote in the journal is true,” Sebastian began. “How I found the Book, how we started to follow the Mystic Way. At first it seemed like a game, but Agnes had an extraordinary gift. She was right: I was jealous of her. I was accustomed to being the adored one, older, wiser, more knowledgeable—or so I thought. I worked furiously hard to keep up with her, straining myself to learn more and go deeper, but she was a natural.
“You know now what happened next. My insane ambition took over. I bullied her again and again to give me what I wanted. I knew she loved me, but I was too selfish to feel real love in return. I wanted power, not love. I wanted to live forever. Agnes could have found a way to achieve what I asked, but she knew it would be wrong. It would have distorted her powers and taken her into dangerous realms. And yet it was a torment to her not to be able to give me what I craved, so she ran away from me.
“When she had gone, I was furious. My pride forced me to prove that I could achieve my dreams without her, without even telling her. Oh, Evie, I can’t describe what dreadful paths I went down! But I was pleased with myself; I thought I was doing something daring and brave and magnificent. Eventually I learned how to extend my life beyond the dreams of men. I would live for many generations, but one day my time would run out. True immortality eluded me. I still need the touch of the eternal Fire, which Agnes reached so easily with her incorruptible mind.
“Agnes had hidden herself away in the stinking streets of London, while her parents pretended that she was in Europe on some pleasure tour. They were terrified of the possible scandal, and filled themselves with the hope that their darling girl would walk through the door one day, as though nothing had happened. I tried desperately to find Agnes, with no success. But when she finally dared to come back to Wyldcliffe, my spies found her easily enough. She walked every night in the shadows of the Abbey’s walls, plucking up the courage to return to her home. I waited for her, and one night we met again at last.”
He groaned and covered his face with his hands.
“Oh, Evie, tell me you love me now, for the last time.”
I took his hands in mine and looked straight at him. His beauty was clouded by fear and pain and exhaustion, but that didn’t matter.
“I love you, Sebastian. I always will.”
He kissed my hands and forced himself to continue.
“Agnes was more beautiful than ever, though thin and tired. After the first shock she was overjoyed to see me again. But I was unkind, as always. She told me about her marriage, and the baby. I accused her of debasing herself by marrying anyone but me. I made insane threats against her husband and her child. Then she told me that her husband—Francis—had died, and that the child was dead too. I believed her, so I begged her to come away with me, to start again. She refused, and said she could no longer love me as a husband, only as a brother. I got angry. I told her that I loved her, which was a lie. I told her that I needed her, which was true.
“You see, Evie, I still dreamed about gaining perfect immortality. Living for two hundred years, or even five hundred years, wouldn’t be enough for me. I begged Agnes once again for her help. But she told me she had given up her powers and hidden them away in a secret Talisman that I would never find. My temper flared up, and I shook her roughly, demanding to know where this hiding place was. She tried to break free, but a blind, furious madness came over me. I wouldn’t let her go. I wanted to hurt her for the pain she was causing me. I threw her down angrily, and she…she…”
He stopped.
“What happened? Tell me!”
“She hit her head against the wall as she fell. It happened so quickly, just one tiny moment. Her body lay on the ground, as still as a flower in the moonlight. I started to weep, asking her forgiveness, begging her to speak to me. There was nothing she could say.” He looked at me with shame and misery burning in his face. “Agnes was dead. I had destroyed her.”
Forty-one
A
bird had begun to sing, far off over the moor. The sky was starting to get light. The night would soon be over, but the dawn would bring no hope or comfort. Sebastian had killed Agnes, and we were left to carry on with the weary confusion of life.
“I hate and despise myself.”
“Don’t,” I said. “You mustn’t say that.”
“Why not, when it’s true?”
I didn’t reply. I was incredibly tired. Nothing seemed quite
real.
“So, what’s going to happen now?” I asked, forcing myself to speak.
“I want you to leave Wyldcliffe as soon as you can,” Sebastian said. “It’s your only hope of getting safely out of all this.”
“I’ve nowhere to go. And I want to be near you.”
“Evie, that’s the last thing you should want! I’m a freak and a murderer.”
“You’re not! It was an accident. You never meant to hurt Agnes; I know you didn’t.”
“Dear Evie. You’re always so good, so trusting.” He sighed. “But there’s more. You haven’t heard the whole story yet. I have to tell you now, while I have the courage. But let’s get out of here.”
We began to walk slowly in the direction of the distant Abbey, leading the horse over the rough grass. I was glad to leave the dark monument under the thorn trees. I glanced at Sebastian’s tormented face. At that moment I couldn’t tell whether I loved him or pitied him, but I knew that my heart was breaking.
“So what do you want to tell me? Is it something to do with Agnes?”
He nodded. “When I realized that Agnes was…that it was over…I couldn’t leave her lying there. I lifted her up and carried her through a little gate in the Abbey walls, into the gardens. No one was around. I walked to the old chapel ruins and laid her on the green bed of grass where the holy altar had once stood. Even then I was more concerned about myself than her, worrying about my grief and my shame and my fears. It occurred to me that this Talisman she had talked about might be around her neck, and that I might be able to use the powers she had sealed within it to revive her. At least, that was what I told myself. She wasn’t wearing it, though, so I searched her pockets. There was nothing in them except a scrap of ribbon. A memento of her baby, I guessed.
“Then I heard a noise in the trees. The night watchman had roused himself from his stove in the gatehouse to make an inspection of the grounds. He must have seen Agnes’s dress fluttering on the grass, and me crouching next to her. He came rushing at me with a pair of silver pistols, calling for help. I knocked him down and grabbed one of the pistols, held it against his head, and threatened to shoot him. But I was sickened by the thought of taking another life. I let him go and turned and ran. By now the alarm had been raised. Servants were running out in their nightshirts. I dodged to avoid them, but the watchman aimed his pistol and shot. The bullet went straight through my heart.”
He laughed suddenly, an odd, discordant sound.
“It was so strange, Evie. I was glad to die. After everything I had done to avoid death, I would have finally welcomed it. But it didn’t work out that like that. I felt the blood spurting down my chest. I collapsed on the ground and then…I can’t describe it…I was still conscious, but transformed. I had passed into a world of shadows. The pain left me and I stood up. The servants were running past me, shouting out, ‘Where is he? Has he gotten away?”
“‘I’m here, you fools!’ I screamed. ‘Come and get me.’ But they didn’t seem to hear or see me. I wasn’t dead, but I wasn’t alive. I felt no hunger or thirst or pain. The secret potions I had taken, the evil rites I had endured in pursuit of immortality had left me with this: I no longer lived, but I couldn’t truly die.”
He looked down over the valley.
“I would have accepted that, Evie, as a just punishment for what I had done. Endless existence without meaning or joy. Later, when I had fled the Abbey, it soon became clear to me that what I faced was even worse than that.” A tremor ran through his body like a spasm of pain. “The dark masters I had served in my search for forbidden knowledge told me that a choice lay before me in the Shadow world that I now inhabited. I had one last chance to become one of the Unconquered like them, existing forever out of the reach of time and space and the rules of God and man. For that, I needed the Talisman.”
“Why? What was so special about it?”
“Agnes had sealed not only her powers, but her love for me inside the sacred object. Nothing else could help me.”
“But what if you couldn’t find it?”
Sebastian grimaced, as though flinching from some dreadful memory. “Without the Talisman, I would not be permitted to stay as I was. I could no longer be killed by a pistol shot or the thrust of a knife, but without the Talisman I would eventually fade.”
“Fade? I don’t understand.” I didn’t think I would ever understand.
“To fade is to wither and decay, hour by hour and minute by minute, until one becomes an evil spirit of darkness, a slave, a torment to oneself and others. In other words,” he said, “a demon. To fade is to lose any last spark of humanity, yet to be eternally aware of one’s own degradation. And that is what would happen to me. Oh, it might take many years, more than a hundred, but it would happen in the end.”
He shuddered. I felt sick at the idea of Sebastian—so beautiful, so full of life—turning into some hideous specter. I kept thinking, This can’t be true; it can’t be happening. But it was. The earth was under my feet, and the sky was above me. I was awake. And Sebastian’s voice went on remorselessly, spilling out his dreadful secrets.
“I was afraid of such a fate. I had desired life, not a living death. I swore I would do everything I could to find the Talisman and unlock its powers. I gathered my coven of followers around me and commanded them to help me keep my tormented hopes alive. I tried to convince myself that if only I could find the Talisman, I would live not as one of the dread Unconquered, but as a man again; I would become the person Agnes would have wanted me to be; I would have hundreds of lifetimes to make up for the mistakes I had made. And so I searched for it for many empty, dreary years. And then something happened…something so awful…”
“What?” I asked, horrified. “What happened?”
“I…I can’t bear to tell you. But I swear that it made me face my crimes at last. I gave up the fight for the Talisman. I turned my back on what had been…feeding me. I accepted my final destiny. To become a foul demon was no more than I deserved. And at that precise point, when I was weak and beginning to fade, that was when I met you.”
Sebastian turned my hand over in his. He traced the faint scar where I had cut myself on the glass the night we had met. Now I knew how he had been able to mend it, and why he had looked so ill and pale when we had first met. Sebastian wasn’t sick; he was fading out of existence, leaving me behind, leaving this world and heading for the dark….
“That first night I was astonished that you could see me,” he said. “I usually conceal myself from the innocent.”
“How? And where did you live all that time? Where do you go when I’m not with you? How do you live?” There were a thousand things I wanted to ask.
“I walk in the Shadows—caught between life and death. I still have powers enough. I have learned how to show myself to the living, or I can choose to be hidden. At times I have entered life again to try to forget everything. I have been a laborer, a shepherd, a traveler. For a while I lived with some Romany wanderers. They were good to me, like brothers. But I could never stay too long in one place or with one set of people. A nineteen-year-old who never got any older, who didn’t seem to eat, or sleep, or have any family connections? It was impossible to belong anywhere. So I always came back to Wyldcliffe.
“The night we met I knew there was something special about you, Evie. I had concealed myself and my horse through some simple charms, as usual. And yet you saw me. I no longer knew how to be kind, or even scarcely human, when I first spoke to you, but something in you made me feel alive, and it wasn’t just because you reminded me of Agnes. I was desperate, so wretched and lonely that I couldn’t resist the temptation of seeing you again. After all, I was doomed, so what difference did one last piece of self-indulgence matter? But you were young and trusting and good—everything that I had lost—so after a while I told myself I had to stop seeing you, for your sake. For the first time in my whole existence I truly knew what it was to care for someone. I had been obsessed with Agnes, bound to her i
n ways I barely understood, but with you it was different.” His blue eyes met mine. “For me, there is only you. You taught me how to love.”
“I’m glad,” I said fiercely.
“So am I.” A faint smile softened his face; then he sighed. “But I was too weak to carry out my resolution. I let myself keep seeing you. And the supreme irony was that it was you who led me to the Talisman.”
“How?”
“It was so simple, but so like Agnes. There had been all sorts of rumors about both of us after Agnes’s death and my disappearance, which her parents tried to crush. They said she had died in an accident. They wanted to believe it, and they wanted everyone else to believe it too. The stories persisted, though. The local people gossiped that Agnes had brought a great treasure with her from London before she died. Oh, they said all sorts of crazy things: that secret papers had been buried next to her tomb, that her ghost had been seen down by the old chapel, and that she would return one day as an angel of light to save Wyldcliffe from some dreadful doom. They even claimed that touching her grave could heal sick people.”
Sebastian reached out to touch my hair. “When I met you, I thought you could heal me, girl from the sea.” He smiled sadly. “Sane, sensible Evie, you wouldn’t have listened to all that nonsense, would you? But I latched on to the story about the treasure. I was sure it meant the Talisman, and like an arrogant fool I gave no thought to her real treasure—her child. A little girl growing up unnoticed on a local farm with a pretty trinket around her neck was enough to trick the deep and cunning magician that I imagined myself to be. But last night I touched your necklace, and I realized how I had been deceived. In desperation I went over all the old stories again, scratching in the dirt for more clues. I forced myself to do the one thing I had been decent enough to resist: I recovered those secret papers from where her friends had hidden them on hallowed ground. And her journal told me everything.”
Now I understood. It was hanging around my neck, this precious Talisman, passed down from each mother to her daughter, the descendants of Evelyn Frances Smith, the secret heirloom: May it never fall into darkness. All I had to do was to give it to Sebastian, to give him what he had always wanted, and save him from his terrible fate. Perhaps these “Unconquered” would let him be, I thought desperately, perhaps it really would be possible for Sebastian to be restored to human life with my immortal gift; we could be together….
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